Wolf's-own: Koan

by Carole Cummings

  "Ha!” Rihansei slapped at his knee, amused. “In the strictest sense, I'm not quite certain."

  "It's better off,” Leu put in, eyeing Rihansei with blatant mistrust. “Ari would have killed him. It's too obvious she knew."

  "Hm,” Rihansei said. He tilted his head. “How did you come here, little Catalyst?"

  Why did people keep calling Jacin “little,” anyway? He was taller than... well, he was tall. Maybe not taller than this man, but even Samin wasn't taller than this man.

  Jacin's mouth pinched. “I've no idea how I came here,” he snapped. He lifted one arm and let the chain clank loudly. “Why don't you tell me?"

  "I give no answers a man can find for himself,” Rihansei retorted serenely.

  Leu rolled her eyes, but didn't say anything. Though she watched Rihansei warily when he lowered his hand and three of the lizards hopped up to curl around his fingers.

  "Who sent you to my Gate, little vagary?"

  Jacin paused, watching the tiny creatures climb over the back of the wide, bone-white hand and curl into the ink and color, almost blending right into the intricate design of the tattoo. He tried to look closer—without looking like he was looking—but it was almost as though the pattern shifted with the writhing of the lizards, and he couldn't tell what the tattoo was supposed to represent.

  Old magic, that was what it meant to have one's body adorned with ink, at least here in Tambalon, but Jacin didn't really know more than that. He didn't even really know how he knew that much. Absorbed from Malick's random chatter, probably, hitting on one topic after another, trying to get Jacin to take an interest in something, and it made Jacin's throat close up, because if he'd asked about the tattoos, Malick would've told him. And now Malick wasn't here, and Jacin didn't know.

  "Come now, little firebrand—who sent you?"

  Jacin's teeth clenched. “The name is—"

  "Insignificant,” Rihansei cut in, “as most names are. What a man is is hardly ever what he calls himself.” He paused, eyes slightly narrowed. “And, I think, your father's name is not a thing you value so much as you think you should. You spend a lot of time thinking about and being what you think you should think and be, don't you, little vagary?” He chuckled a little when Jacin merely glared. “Answer the question.” Stern, but the red eyes were almost twinkling, like Jacin amused him. “Who sent you to me?"

  "A man at a stall,” Jacin answered, dull and sullen, and too pissed off and thrown to care. “He tried to.... He gave me your name and told me where to find you. Told me I needed you."

  Rihansei's eyebrows rose. “And who told him, I wonder?"

  "What difference does it make?” Jacin glared up through the hair hanging lank over his eyes. He rattled the chains again. “I'm pretty sure I didn't need this."

  Leu sighed. “Fen-seyh, this is not what you think it is. You are not a prisoner.” She reached toward the chains, but when Jacin tensed and took a swipe at her, she moved back again. She shook her head and waved at them instead. “For your protection. Until Kamen gets back."

  Jacin had no idea how she thought he was supposed to feel about that. “So, you think M— Kamen will thank you for keeping me chained up in... wherever the fuck this is until... when?"

  "Kamen will probably send me to spirit again, but he'll at least do it painlessly if you're still alive when he gets back. And you'll stay here until I think I can unlock you without you killing me or bolting. The Patrol were called out, Fen-seyh. You're wanted now. You can't leave here or they'll find you and arrest you, and then we'll have no control over what happens to you.” Leu cut a steady look at Rihansei. “He is Kamen's. When Kamen gets back, he'll—"

  "When Kamen gets back he will, perhaps, find that what is ‘his’ is, in fact, Wolf's. And what is Wolf's has, in fact, never truly been."

  "Don't give me your riddles!"

  "Life is a riddle, Wolf's-own.” Rihansei wiggled his fingers and lowered his hand; the lizards all trooped obediently down to the stone and scuttered off to lounge at the pool. “When Fate places a man at the Gate, it is not ours to close it in his face. He is here so that he might—"

  "We are here because Kamen trusts you, and because you happen to have the"—Leu flipped a disdainful wave over the chains—"facilities necessary."

  "Kamen trusts no one,” Rihansei answered with a smirk. “Except for, perhaps, the one who holds his heart and soul in a bloody fist.” He eyed Malick's ring on Jacin's finger for a moment then turned a sly glance up at Jacin. “Why are you here, little Catalyst?"

  Jacin swallowed and sent an uncomfortable glance at Leu. Whatever was going on here, she obviously didn't like it. Not that Jacin did, either, but still.

  "Kamen talked about The Gates of Rapture just... just before he....” He couldn't make himself say it.

  "Ah,” said Rihansei, nodding slowly and stroking at the straight, silky length of white beard. “You're very angry with him."

  Jacin looked away. “He's Temshiel,” he said hoarsely. “He should've... he was foolish to let his guard down."

  And he promised.

  "Kamen now and then plays the fool, but he is never foolish—not even for love. I think he sees more in you than you would like, though I doubt he knows truly what it is he sees. And you cannot bring yourself to look, though that fault, I think, lies not entirely with you.” Rihansei pushed his bulk slowly upright and lumbered over to the little fire. “It is time to wake up, little firebrand,” he said as he bent over the scuttle and ladled out a bowl of... well, it looked and smelled like tea when he brought it back over and held it out to Jacin. “I haven't much in the way of hospitality,” he said with what looked like a kind smile. “But since you are already prepared, I expect we might as well take advantage."

  "No,” Leu snapped and made a grab at the bowl. Jacin didn't know what to make of it. She seemed... protective. “Give me the damned key, Rihansei.” She held out her hand, demanding. “I'll take him....” Her hand closed into a fist, and she looked at Jacin, anxious. “Fen-seyh, I'm sorry. I didn't know what else to do, where else might be safe.” She glared at Rihansei. “He is of the gods, you don't know what your kind of magic might do to him, and if Kamen—"

  "Do not play at ignorance with me, Wolf's-own,” Rihansei said calmly. “He is not of the gods. Wolf has perhaps claimed him, but Fate made him. And now the Incendiary has found his way to the Gate. You would take away a man's choices?"

  "Damn it, we've got him chained to a wall—you're not handing him a choice, you're giving him an ultimatum.” Leu clenched her teeth and stepped between Jacin and Rihansei, threatening. “Wait until Kamen gets back, Rihansei. The servants of all the gods have respected your ‘sovereignty', but don't forget it sits in the heart of the gods’ purview."

  All Jacin could do was stare. And then he just continued to stare when Leu gasped as though struck and went sailing back into the stone of the wall behind her.

  Rihansei merely turned back and patiently held the bowl once again in front of Jacin.

  "Don't drink that,” Leu told Jacin, breathless. She tried to get up, but it seemed like she was being held down by an invisible weight. “Damn it, Rihansei, this was not what—” And then she was just gone. Not to shadow—Jacin would have recognized that. Just there one second and—blip—gone the next.

  Jacin continued to stare where Leu had been, no real opinion on the matter, except maybe a little shock and a great deal of confusion. What the hell was going on here? Leu had seemed like she was trying to protect Jacin—for Malick?—and yet she was apparently the one who'd brought him here and had him chained up like an animal. And intended to keep him here until Malick got back. And what was in that bloody tea that she was so adamant Jacin not drink?

  And where the fuck had she gone?

  Rihansei was just staring at Jacin, unaffected, with the bowl still extended. “It is not poison, little Catalyst. Merely a pathway to a long-delayed journey.” He waved at the chains. “This was once a place of sacrifice. In som
e ways, it still is. I think this does not appall you as it would some.” He paused with a smile, his red eyes sharp. “You will, however, be allowed no such... satisfaction here. Leu is perhaps misguided, but she sees clearly in this—Kamen would be displeased upon his return to find that I have allowed you to take matters into your own hands, as it were. The chains remain. I think you have labored for perfection long enough."

  Jacin's eyes snapped down to slits and his hands fisted. “You can't see in me. You don't know—"

  "You have no idea what I can and cannot know, little agitator. Nor can you know what I've seen until I show you. Only a fool would spurn what he most needs in his haste not to know it.” Rihansei's eyes glittered like rubies in the wavering light. “Only a fool would chase the impossible, honestly hoping to catch it."

  He leaned in, extending his other hand; there wasn't even time to flinch before one of the little lizards skittered from beneath Rihansei's sleeve and sailed toward Jacin. It latched onto his finger, sinking tiny stinging teeth in deep. Jacin had to shake quite harshly before the little thing let go and went flying from the end of his finger.

  "What the fuck!” Jacin snarled. It stung. And then it burned. Shit, did the damned things have venom? Poisonous venom? Jacin hadn't even suspected they had teeth. “What—?"

  "You are, perhaps, Fate's Fool, but a fool in truth you are not,” Rihansei said, as if nothing had even happened. “You've always known perfection is hopeless, even for gods. Was the torment of reaching for it imposed by Asai?” He paused and narrowed those freaky eyes. “Or by you?"

  You are a sigh's breadth from perfection, Ghost. So little have I seen for the Untouchable, but this... I saved you for this, Jacin-rei. I made you for this. Do it now and save your family, save your people.

  Not a voice in his head—a whisper in his ear. Beishin's voice with Beishin's hands reaching out for him.

  Jacin was starting to feel dizzy.

  You did this, little Ghost.

  Everything was going foggy, and a strange sense of displacement settled over Jacin, like he was seeing two realities at once. The close little chamber, Rihansei's bulk settled in front of him, just out of reach, and a back alley hundreds of miles away, where Jacin's world had ended not once but twice; the bowl of whatever it was taking up far too much space in Jacin's vision, and Caidi falling silently from the sky, and the not-sound of her silence—

  "Stop it,” Jacin breathed, choked and thin, and he put his hands to his ears.

  There'd been something in that lizard's bite. Had to be. Everything was turning cottony and too slow.

  Not perfect, never be perfect, could've saved them and failed, walked away from the ones you had left, and what do you suppose is happening to them right now, since the little Ghost left them for—

  "STOP!” Panting, shaking, and he couldn't stop it any more than he could stop the voices. No, not voices, only one, the only one that had mattered then, and damn it, why did it still matter now?

  Hardly perfect, is it, Jacin-rei?

  Damn it, he'd tried, he'd tried so hard, but he couldn't save... anyone.

  You have not yet attained perfection, little Ghost. How it must pain you, knowing they all look to you, and knowing you can never make the measure.

  "Stop,” Jacin wheezed, breathless, “please, just...stop, I can't—"

  A harsh grip settled over the shackles around his wrists and wrenched his hands away from his ears. “They will not stop, little Catalyst. They will never stop, until you silence them yourself. Even Kamen cannot take this magic away, for it is not magic at all, and nothing of the gods.” The grip relaxed, and Rihansei placed the bowl in Jacin's shaking hand. “This journey can be forced.” He held up a dart between his white fingers.

  The small sting at the back of Jacin's neck flared, and he thought of Malick and fire that came out of nowhere and black ash on his tongue. It made him want to howl.

  "But I think, perhaps, force has been too much a part of your life, no?"

  Jacin glowered at the tea and tried not to actually snuffle. His head was spinning, and nausea crawled up the back of his throat. He was far too vulnerable here. He couldn't just sit here and accept it.

  He lifted his free hand, the chain clanking heavily as he twitched and shook. “Then remove these and the question of force can be settled altogether."

  Or come a little closer so I can get my hands on you, because I know you must have a key somewhere on that massive heap of muscle and ink. Bloody hell, it would probably take Jacin hours to search the man. He wondered how long Leu would be gone, if she was going to stage an unlikely rescue, or maybe she was dead, and then he wondered why he was wondering. He wondered if he could actually take Rihansei if he tried, or if moving too fast would make him pass out.

  "I think releasing you now would do me very little good.” Rihansei chuckled. “When your journey is complete and your head is your own, then we shall remove all question. I have grown too old to chase novices through their own minds, and far too old to chase you through the streets of Mitsu before your journey's end. The chains are as much for your protection as mine, little troublemaker."

  Jacin looked down at his hand, at the rust-brown stains caking the creases. “You're afraid I'll get... violent?” That shouldn't be so funny. He shouldn't be stifling a snort. It shouldn't be so hard to think.

  "This can be an easy thing, or it can be the end of you,” Rihansei said, still smiling, his red eyes... Jacin couldn't tell. Kind, perhaps, but he'd mistaken that look before. “Perfection is not a thing to be attained; merely an unreachable goal to guide one toward enlightenment. Not everything you did not attain was a failure, little vagary. Your Asai twisted your goals and sent you to darkness, but only because he saw the darkness gathered already within you, the echoes of too many lives to count. Such an old soul you are, and yet even I cannot breach the murk that obscures what you were.” He nodded at the bowl. “It is yours to reach for the light."

  Sweat was springing out all over Jacin, slick and chilled. Somewhere in the back of his head, he wanted to demand that Rihansei give him the antidote to whatever poison was in that lizard's bite, but it seemed so much less important than what Rihansei had just said.

  "What do you know about Asai?” Jacin demanded, though it came out somewhat slurred.

  "Questions, questions,” Rihansei said, chuckling, “and the answers are right in your hand.” He leaned forward. Jacin couldn't even make himself lunge. “Would you not like to know, little Catalyst, what you were before you became what you are?"

  Thick, hot tears burned behind the bridge of Jacin's nose. He looked away and blinked them back. “I was Untouchable."

  "But never untouched,” Rihansei said softly. “And were you nothing before that?"

  Nothing, you're nothing.

  Jacin kept his mouth shut and glared blearily up through his fringe.

  Rihansei sighed. “You are far too resistant to those things that you need.” He leaned in and tapped at the bite on Jacin's finger. “You should already have your feet on the path, and yet here you sit.” He shook his head and tsked.

  "I'm... I....” Jacin lost the thread entirely. Whatever he'd meant to say just slipped out of reach, and his tongue settled in his mouth like a dead weight. He was drifting away while sitting right where he was.

  "What does Kamen see in you that touches his mortal heart so?” Rihansei stood and strode slowly around the small pool, retrieving the water pipe from beside the cushions. “What holds his Wolf's heart so enthralled that he would wrap his soul around your finger and rest a trust he would give to none other, not even his own blood, upon your choices?” He nodded to the ring on Jacin's hand as he lowered himself back down to the floor. He lit the pipe and took a long, heavy drag, blowing out a thick puff into Jacin's face; Jacin couldn't stir himself enough to lift a hand and wave it away. “Would you not—finally—like to believe what he tells you when you writhe together like snakes?"

  Say you love me. You don't have t
o mean it. You can lie.

  ... I fucking love you. Deal with it.

  Jacin flinched a little. He could feel his cheeks flame, and he hated it.

  "Is it not your deepest, most secret wish?” Rihansei whispered on a slow, heavy curl of smoke that twisted into Jacin's nostrils and singed his eyes.

  "I wish....” It just fell out of Jacin's mouth. He didn't know if he was more disturbed that it had done so against his will, or that he had no idea how to complete the sentence.

  "Drink the tea, little firebrand.” Soft. Compelling.

  More smoke wafted and settled heavily at the back of Jacin's throat. It coiled into his nose, clouding around him in heavy, sticky strands, and he breathed it in deep, even though he had a vague, slippery idea that he shouldn't. Between the bite and the smoke, his head was humming with a gluey, distracting buzz, and his limbs felt abruptly like they didn't belong to him. Red eyes flayed him through the haze, and he couldn't look away.

  "What...?” Jacin's mouth didn't want to work properly, his tongue a thick lump inside of it. “What are you... doing...?"

  Rihansei smiled, his red eyes burning above it, closing in, growing, swallowing Jacin up. The bowl was at Jacin's mouth, and he merely opened obediently and let the tea pour into him.

  "Setting you on the path,” Rihansei said then took the empty bowl and dipped it into the pool before setting it back in Jacin's hands. “You fight this too hard.” It sounded slightly annoyed. Disappointed, maybe. “And you are far too resistant to my persuasions. Look into the bowl, little Catalyst."

  So compelling. So... not seductive, but Jacin kind of wished it was. He knew what to do with seduction. And killing. He knew how to fuck and how to kill. A matched set of skills. No wonder Malick liked him. He tried to stifle the giddy laugh, but it slithered out anyway. And then it turned into a weak little sob, and fuck, he wanted Malick. Not that he could actually ever tell Malick that. But still. Malick would know what to do with all of... this. This was.... What was this? Where was this? Jacin didn't want to be here.