The Bonds Within

by Megs Pritchard

  Tom, Seb, Luke and Matt had been invited to Geoff and Bens' for dinner. It was something they often did, and Matt enjoyed being with his friends. It reminded him of how far they'd all come from the damp, cold, abandoned house they'd all lived. It had been over three years ago now, but Matt could still remember the smell and coldness that seemed to permeate the building as if it was yesterday.

  "I'm looking forward to starting," Tom told them, smiling.

  "Just wait, Tom. That will all change." Ben smiled back at him.

  "Well, maybe you should have chosen a different degree. Cognitive neuroscience?" Tom shook his head.

  "Says the man who will be doing a Law with Criminology degree," Matt muttered.

  "I think it's great that Tom wants to work in that field," Geoff told them. "Your experience will help a lot of people."

  Tom nodded, looking away and avoiding Geoff's gaze. Matt knew Tom didn't like to talk about his past, but Geoff was right. Tom's experience would be beneficial in the future. He would be able to see situations in a different way to most people.

  "Luke, have you asked Sarah out yet?" Matt asked, changing the subject.

  "What? You're asking a girl out?" Ben asked, eyes almost popping out.

  Luke shrugged. "Yeah. She's nice. I like her."

  "Wow," Ben muttered as he arched his eyebrows. "I never would have thought you'd be interested in girls."

  Luke shrugged again. "I've always been interested in both sexes but when we were on the streets..." Luke trailed off, looking uncomfortable.

  "It's okay, Luke. I'm just a bit shocked," Ben told him.

  "So was I when he first told me, but he likes her, don't you?" Matt asked Luke.

  "Yeah, like I said she's nice, and we get on great. So I'm gonna ask her out."

  "When?" Matt was curious. Knowing Luke the way he did, it would probably take him a while to work up the courage before he'd ask her out. After everything Luke had experienced, he still had a shyness to him.

  "Well, before the end of Uni. Sarah doesn't live too far away, so I'll be able to see her over the summer break."

  Matt's phone rang, and he pulled it out from his pocket to see who it was. He was surprised that it was Josh. Josh had told him that he would be at his parents' house and then was going out with friends because he would need a drink.

  Pointing at his phone, Matt stood and walked away from the table as he answered it. "Hey." He walked out into the hallway and closed the door behind him.

  "I need to see you. What time can you get here?"

  Matt sighed, rubbing his forehead. "I can't. I'm at Ben and Geoff's' tonight. I told you this."

  "What? Are they more important than me? I need to see you. My parents are fuckin' cunts. Seb this and Seb that. Again. That's all I ever fuckin' hear from them."

  Matt heard the door open behind him and watched Tom step through, closing it quietly behind him. "Look, I have to go. I'll come over as soon as I can."

  Matt hung up and pocketed his phone as he turned to face Tom. Tom was staring intently at him, and Matt looked away from his probing gaze.

  "What's going on, Matt?"

  Matt shrugged, continuing to avoid Tom's probing stare. "Nothing much."

  "Doesn't seem like it. I've noticed the changes in you."

  "What changes?" Matt demanded. Yes, he was going out more, but he had told everyone it was because he was studying. So what else was there?

  "Goin' out more. Leaving the room when your phone rings. Not talking like you used to. Avoiding us."

  "Ever heard of privacy?" Matt snapped at Tom.

  "Privacy? Yeah, I know all about that. But what you're doing isn't just privacy. The look on your face when you check to see who's calling tells me something's going on."

  Matt snorted. He would love to talk to someone about what was going on. Maybe they could help him sort out his fucked up head. 'Cause he certainly couldn't. "There's nothing going on, Tom," Matt lied, hating himself.

  "Lie to yourself all you want, Matt, but don't fuckin' lie to me. We've known each other far too long for this shit." Tom took a step closer to Matt and Matt had to fight his instinct to step back. He lifted his head and stared defiantly at Tom. "What's going on?"

  "Or what? You'll kick me out? Leave me homeless?" Matt clenched his jaw, waiting for Tom to answer.

  Tom stared at him, mouth falling open, shaking his head. "I would never ask you to fuckin' leave. I would never put you in that position. I can't believe you even said that to me. Is that what you fuckin' think? That we'll ask you to leave if you don't do what we want?"

  Matt shook his head, glancing away. "I'm sorry, Tom. I shouldn't have said that."

  Slashing his hand through the air, Tom growled. "Damn right you shouldn't have. After everything we've fuckin' been through, how dare you say that shit to me!"

  "Look, I'm sorry. You're right. I had no right to say that. Please forget it."

  Tom shook his head and turned back to the door. He glared over his shoulder at Matt. "Whatever shit you're going through, sort it out."

  Tom opened the door, stepped through and closed it behind him. Matt sagged back against the wall and dropped his head, closing his eyes. His phone beeped, and Matt groaned, knowing it would be a message from Josh. He opened his eyes and looked up at the ceiling as he inhaled deeply. He couldn't keep going on like this. The secrecy and the lies. They were tearing him apart. But he didn't know what else to do. He wanted to be with Josh, and he knew the others wouldn't accept it.

  Pushing off the wall, Matt walked back into the dining room, smiling when everyone looked over at him. Making his excuses, he left, but not before noticing the dark glare from Tom, and began the long walk to Josh's.

  He was a fool. No doubt about it. Josh demanded something from him, and he dropped everything to do it. He hated the fact that he loved him. It was breaking something inside of him. But he couldn't walk away. No matter what Josh said or did, Matt would always go back to him.

  Was he that needy after everything he'd been through that he would allow Josh to treat him like this? He shook his head, not understanding his need to be with Josh.

  When he reached Josh's, Matt stood outside contemplating whether he should knock on the door or walk away. The apartment block door had been open, so he hadn't had to get Josh to buzz him in, but now as he was stood there, he was questioning his decision to come. He always questioned his decisions when it came to Josh because Josh always made him feel confused.

  The door opened, and Josh stood there bare-chested. Matt swallowed staring at Josh, his body reacting to the sight of him, his dick hardening. Josh made him feel things he hadn't felt before. The butterflies in his stomach, the hot flush that would encapsulate him, the way his palms sweat, the tightness in his chest as he panted for air. Fuck, Matt couldn't walk away from him. He couldn't walk away from this.

  Josh grunted. "'Bout time you got here."

  Josh grabbed Matt's arm and pulled him into the apartment, slamming the door shut behind him. Matt followed Josh into the living room and frowned when he saw the condition it was in. Cushions had been pulled off the sofa and thrown across the room. The table had been thrown over, and there was glass smashed all over the floor.

  "What's going on?" Matt asked Josh carefully in as calm a voice as he could manage. Josh was a mess. He was pacing the floor, running his hands repeatedly through his hair, muttering to himself.

  "Those bastards, that's what's going on. They're gonna invite Seb over for lunch on Sunday. After everything they've said about him, they want him to come over so they can talk." Josh continued to pace the room as he talked.

  "Isn't that a good thing? I mean, Seb hasn't done anything wrong. He just fell in love."

  "With a man!" Josh shouted at Matt.

  Matt took a step back, glancing towards the front door behind him before he faced Josh. "Yeah, a man. Tom, my friend. Seb is a good guy. You know this, he's your brother."

  Josh snorted. "Yeah, I fuckin' know. Wonde
rboy Seb. Can't do anything wrong. Oops, but he did, didn't he? Hmm. Went with a man, that's what. And now? Now, they want to talk, mend fences, rebuild bridges. Stupid fuckers."

  "This isn't Seb's fault. Whatever is going on with your parents has nothing to do with him," Matt pleaded with Josh.

  "It has everything to do with him!" Josh shouted. "You don't understand. All my life I've had to live up to him. No matter what I did, they barely fuckin' noticed me. It has always been Seb."

  "Seb doesn't know this."

  Josh laughed, but it sounded humourless. "He doesn't want to know, though, does he?"

  "Talk to him, Josh. Maybe you could work this out."

  "Did it work for you?"

  "What do you mean?" Matt asked him, stomach-turning, thinking about what Josh was referring to.

  "When you were letting every dick fuck you. Did talking work for you? What did you say? Harder? Faster?"

  "Don't do this, Josh. Don't take your anger out on me." Matt shook his head swallowing hard. "Don't do this again."

  Josh cocked his head to the side as he stared at Matt. "No wonder you're so easy to fuck..."

  Matt practically ran to the door and went to open it when his body was slammed into it from behind by Josh who held him pushed up against it. Matt squirmed and pushed back, trying to dislodge Josh's hold on him, but Josh wasn't moving. He could feel Josh breath against the back of his neck as he panted.

  "I'm sorry, Matt."

  "No." Matt shook his head vigorously. "You're always sorry. You always do this; take your anger out on me. I can't keep doing this. Let me go, Josh. I want to leave." Matt squeezed his eyes shut as tears gathered in them and he tried to breathe through the tightness in his chest.

  "I know, and I'm sorry. You're right. I shouldn't speak to you like that. I'm sorry."

  "Just let me go," Matt grunted as he tried to push back away from the door.

  Matt was suddenly spun around, his back hitting the door hard as Josh leant his body weight into him. Matt brought his hands up and held them against Josh's chest, attempting to push him away, but Josh wasn't going anywhere. Matt's head dropped back onto the door when Josh inserted a leg in between his and rubbed his dick with it.

  "Stop, Josh. Please," he whispered, even as his body responded.

  "You don't like the things I do to you?"

  "Not like this."

  Josh grabbed Matt by the hair and leant in close to his face. "Why can't I let you walk away, Matt?" he whispered. "Why can't I let you go?"

  Matt stared into Josh's hazel eyes and watched as the pupils widened and his cheeks flushed. Matt moaned when he saw Josh's gaze drop to his lips, and he closed his eyes, so he didn't have to see the look on Josh's face. Matt knew he was going to give in. Knowing that Josh felt as trapped as he did somehow made him feel better, knowing he wasn't alone with these emotions.

  He closed his eyes when Josh kissed his neck, pulling Matt's hair to move his head so he would have more access. Matt shivered when Josh's tongue licked down his neck, biting his collarbone when he reached it.

  "Why? Why can't I let you go?" Josh whispered against Matt's skin, his grip tightening on Matt's hair.

  Matt took a shaky breath in as Josh moved closer to him and moved his leg against Matt's groin. Matt moaned, his dick hardening more as Josh continued to rub and bite him. He knew they were going to have sex. Matt never said no to Josh and he never would. The way Josh made him feel when they were together like this, he had never known before. Matt didn't want to lose that feeling. No matter how Josh treated him, he knew he wouldn't let him go, even though he should.

  This relationship was destructive. It made Matt question himself, but knowing that Josh was in the same position...

  Matt lifted his hands from Josh's chest and tunnelled them into his hair. He pulled Josh's head up and kissed him, forcing his tongue into Josh's mouth. He heard Josh groan and then Josh's hands were on his jeans unfastening them. Josh pushed them down along with his boxers and started to stroke his hard cock as Josh's other hand undid his own jeans.

  Matt was turned around to face the door, and he cried out when Josh's hands parted his arse cheeks, and he felt Josh's tongue start to rim him. "Oh, fuck, Josh..." he stuttered out as Josh fucked him with his tongue. Josh wasn't soft or slow. He moved his tongue fast and hard, in and out of Matt's arse.

  Matt pushed his arse out as Josh pulled his cheeks further apart wanting to feel more of Josh's tongue when he suddenly cried out as Josh thrust his dick into him.

  He bit his lip, squeezing his eyes shut at the sudden flare of pain, but he didn't have time to adjust to Josh's invasion as Josh fucked him hard against the door. He groaned when Josh reached around, stroking his now soft dick in time with his thrusts. It wasn't long before Matt was hard again, thrusting his hips back.

  When Josh changed the angle of his thrusts, Matt cried out. Josh was hitting his prostate, and Matt's body quivered as electricity raced through it. He trembled, hands sliding on the door as he attempted to hold his body up as Josh pounded into him. Josh grunted in time with his thrusts, gripping Matt's hard dick in his hand, pumping it.

  Matt's balls tensed up, a tingling sensation rolling through them and along his shaft to cover his entire groin. He stood on tiptoe as he came, crying out as his hips jerked wildly. He was vaguely aware of Josh gripping his hips tightly from behind, but he didn't stop fucking him. A few seconds later, he heard Josh groan, and Matt felt an unfamiliar warmth spread through his arse, but didn't take any real notice of it. Josh rested his head on Matt's shoulder, panting harshly in his ear, and they stayed like that for a minute or so.

  Eventually, Josh pulled out, and Matt became aware of how wet he was and glanced down behind him, seeing that Josh didn't have a condom on.

  His gaze shot up to Josh's as Josh stood staring down at his arse. Josh's mouth fell open, but nothing came out. "You didn't use anything!" Matt shouted, stunned that Josh would have unsafe sex.

  Josh didn't respond, but continued to look at him. Matt turned and grimaced as Josh's come leaked from his arse and ran down his thighs. He pulled up his boxers trying to clean himself before he finally yanked his jeans up and stormed to the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.

  In all the time he had been on the streets, he had always used condoms. He had always been careful because he hadn't wanted to catch anything.

  "Fuck," he muttered as he reached for a washcloth. Wetting it, Matt attempted to clean his thighs and arse but knew it was useless, his boxers were covered in Josh's come. He undressed and took his boxers off before putting his jeans back on. He would have to throw his underwear out; he wasn't keeping them.

  He left the bathroom to find Josh still stood at the door. "I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking," Josh told him, turning around to look at him.

  "I'm clean. I get tested regularly," Matt muttered, glaring at him. How could Josh have been so stupid?

  Josh nodded, glancing away. "I'll get tested as soon as I can."

  Matt looked away, also nodding, then sighed. "I need to go. I've got revision to do."

  Josh nodded again, stepping away from the door. Matt walked past him and opened it before stepping out. He was about to close the door when he heard Josh speak. "I'll call you soon."

  "Yeah," Matt muttered, closing the door behind him.

  Chapter Six

  A week had passed before Matt heard from Josh again asking him to come over that night. He was in the middle of revising for his exams and contemplated telling Josh no because he needed to study. Matt really should tell Josh no, but as he sat back in his chair, he knew he wouldn't. He wanted to see Josh. Sighing, Matt marked where he was up to and closed his books.

  Stretching his arms up over his head, Matt groaned, shrugging his shoulders and trying to work the kinks out of them. He'd spent the best part of the day going over coursework for his exams, and he blinked several times trying to moisten his eyes. They were gritty and dry from all the time he had spent staring at his work. />
  He stood stretching again, trying to lengthen his spine, looking up at the ceiling and groaning loudly. He hated revising, but it was a necessary evil if he wanted to pass his degree.

  Picking up his phone, he reread the message Josh had sent. He wanted Matt to come over, which meant sex and the possibility that he would spend the night. Even after almost six months together, Matt never took it for granted that Josh would want him to stay.

  Sighing, Matt packed his bag just in case and grabbed his coat before leaving his room and going downstairs. He walked into the living room to find Tom and Seb cuddled together on the sofa, and he watched them for a few seconds. He was slightly envious at the ease in their relationship. The ease that they had with one another. Something that he and Josh didn't have. Not that there weren't times when it felt like there could be, but Josh had a massive brick wall built around that part of himself.

  He stepped into the room and made some noise to attract their attention. "Hey, I'm off out, so I'll see you guys tomorrow."

  "How's the revising going?" Seb asked as he sat up from where he had been leaning against Tom.

  "Going," Matt grunted. "Need a break. Starting to get a headache."

  Seb nodded. "It's a good thing you're taking a break. Sometimes you can revise too much, and you get to the point where nothing sinks in."

  "Tell me about it." Tom groaned. "Can't wait for these exams to be over with."

  Matt smiled as he looked over at them. "Anyway, I'll probably see you tomorrow."

  Tom squinted at him. "You sure everything's okay?"

  "Yeah, just done too much. Need a break and some fresh air."

  Tom nodded, but the look on his face didn't change. Matt knew at some point Tom would be speaking to him. Even though they weren't on the streets anymore, Tom still watched out for him and Luke. On the one hand, it was annoying as fuck, but on the other, it was comforting to know that someone cared. He waved as he left the room and within minutes was sat on the bus on his way to Josh's.

  He thought about what Tom and Seb would say if they knew he was seeing Josh. Tom would be pissed, Matt had no doubt about that. After everything Tom had been through because of Josh and the way Josh still behaved toward him and Seb, yeah, Tom wouldn't be happy. Seb, however, would probably think about it and then ask how he was. Ask how Josh was treating him and if he was happy.