The Bonds Within

by Megs Pritchard

  How would he be able to answer that? At times, he was beyond happy, when Josh was just Josh with no hang-ups or anger clouding him. But the times when Josh couldn't move past everything that was going on, he hated those times. When Josh belittled him or goaded him or spoke to him like he was shit. It was for the good times that he stayed because the good times were amazing.

  The door was open when he arrived at Josh's, and he shouted Josh's name as he walked in and closed the door behind him.

  "In the bedroom."

  Matt stopped when he saw Josh naked on the bed, stroking his dick. He inhaled sharply as he looked over Josh's body. The way his muscles tightened as he squeezed the head of his dick before relaxing. He rubbed a hand down his dick as he felt it harden and moaned softly.

  "Couldn't wait for you. Get naked and over here. I need to fuck you."

  Matt dropped his bag to the floor and took his coat off. He walked over to the bed, discarding his clothes on the way. By the time Matt crawled across the bed towards Josh, he was naked. He straddled Josh's hips and wrapped his hand around Josh's dick and stroked it with him, watching it move through his fist. Stroking was good, but Matt wanted to taste.

  Moving back, Matt bent down to take the head in his mouth and sucked it, moaning as he tasted the precome oozing from the slit. Josh raised his hips up off the bed, and Matt relaxed his throat so he could take more of Josh's dick into his mouth. Nothing was better than tasting Josh.

  After a few seconds, Josh muttered, "Fuck... Don't wanna come like this." Josh pulled out and sat up, reaching for a condom and lube. He threw the lube to Matt and opened the packet before rolling the condom down his dick.

  Matt opened the bottle of lube and poured some on his fingers then rubbed them together. He reached behind him and was about start fingering his arse when Josh spoke. "No, just ride me."

  Matt paused, staring at Josh. "Josh –"

  "Now, Matt. I need you now."

  Matt hovered above Josh and stared down at him. It would hurt with no prep involved, but he didn't want to keep Josh waiting. How fucked up was that? He was willing to endure pain to keep Josh happy. He started to shake his head when he was rolled over onto his back with Josh raised above him.

  "You know you love it rough. The harder I fuck you, the more you like it. You've done it without prep before. What's one more time?"

  "Josh, don't –"

  "Please," Josh muttered, leaning over Matt and kissing his neck. "Just this time."

  Matt could feel Josh's dick sliding along his crease and moaned, clenching his arse in anticipation. He nodded briefly and felt Josh smile against his skin. He winced and gasped as Josh pushed in and squeezed his eyes shut. It burned. Fuck, did it burn. He pushed out to try and ease the pain as Josh continued to push in, biting his lip hard in the process and tasting blood on his tongue. Once Josh was fully in, he paused, and Matt exhaled as some of the pain started to ease.

  Josh sat back and grabbed Matt's legs, moving them up over his shoulders, then leant over him again. "Gonna fuck you hard."

  Matt grunted, eyes shooting open when Josh slammed into him. No slow build up, just Josh fucking him hard. Josh changed the angle and Matt cried out as he hit his hot spot. He held on to Josh's thighs, squeezing them, moaning as pleasure flowed over him. His dick bounced on his abdomen, and Matt reached for it. He gripped it tight, stroking it hard and fast. Moaning, Matt raised his hips, deepening Josh's penetration, loving the fullness. Matt squeezed his eyes shut, as Josh continued to pound into him.

  He could feel the pleasure building in his balls as they tightened, and his neck arched back as his body tensed. Ecstasy. Matt shouted as his orgasm flowed over him, ribbons of come spurting from his dick and coating his chest and abdomen.

  Josh groaned above him, and Matt opened his eyes to look at him. He felt him slam into him and grind his hips as his movements stuttered. Josh's head arched back, and Matt watched the tendons in his neck stand out as he groaned and shuddered above him.

  When Josh finished, he pushed Matt's legs from his shoulders and pulled out, dropping down next to Matt on the bed. Josh had his eyes closed as he panted and Matt leant over to lick some of the sweat from Josh's chest. He felt Josh's arm come around his shoulders and pull him in close.

  Matt lay listening to Josh's heart beat quickly in his chest. He took a deep breath in, the tension releasing from his muscles, and relaxed next to Josh. He breathed Josh in, closing his eyes and savouring Josh's scent. There was nothing about Josh Matt didn't love, well, apart from the obvious, but that was something Matt was willing to help Josh face. But, he didn't think that would be happening anytime soon.

  Where did that leave them? If Josh wasn't willing to try and be open about their relationship, what could he do? Matt loved him. He ached to be with him. He wanted to spend all his time with Josh and not be just some fuck buddy. He wasn't even sure if they were friends. No, they did seem to have some form of friendship; he just wasn't sure exactly what it was.

  He sat up when he felt Josh stir and watched him stand and walk from the room. A minute later he heard the toilet flush and Josh walked back in carrying a wet washcloth.

  Matt took it from him and cleaned up as Josh dropped back onto the bed. Matt threw it to the floor and curled back into Josh.

  "I have to go out soon. I'm meeting some friends later."

  Matt blinked. What? Why hadn't he told him this earlier? "When do you have to leave?"

  "'Bout thirty minutes. I need to shower and get dressed."

  "Oh. Do you want me to leave?"

  "Could you?"

  Matt didn't reply as he watched Josh stand, walk over to his wardrobe and start pulling out clothes. He rubbed his chest as it tightened and glanced away, lowering his head. Josh had needed a fuck before going out, and of course, he'd come running. He really was nothing but a fuck to him.

  "Yeah," he muttered. He stood and remembered Luke saying he was going out later as well. "Luke asked me to go out, so we might see each other."

  "What?" Josh stared over at Matt with his eyebrows raised. He shook his head, staring at him. "Don't come over if you see me. I'll be out with my mates."

  "What? You don't want them to know about us? That you fuck me? That you've been doing it for almost six months? What do you tell them about, Seb?"

  "Fuck all. My mates don't need to know anything, and that's the way it'll stay."

  Josh turned his back to Matt as he continued rummaging for clothes. Matt nodded, glancing at the floor until he found his clothes. Putting them on, he grabbed his bag and left the room.

  As he reached the front door, he heard the shower come on. He stopped, squeezing his eyes shut when they itched and burned. His chest was tight, and he struggled to breathe. He fisted his hands trying to stay calm, but it was a vain attempt.

  He opened them and blinked, feeling the tears seep over. He opened the door, stepped through it and closed it quietly behind him. He walked slowly from Josh's apartment and, keeping his head down, he walked over to a nearby park.

  Sitting on a bench, he dropped his bag to the floor and slumped forward, covering his face with his hands, his shoulders shaking as he cried quietly. Hadn't he known this would happen? Hadn't he known that Josh would never want him for more than what he could get from him? Matt was someone Josh could fuck. He was still a whore, but now he wasn't getting paid. How was this any different to selling his body on the streets?

  Matt leant back on the bench and took a shaky breath in. He needed to break this...addiction. Yeah, addiction was the right word. He was addicted to Josh and how he made him feel. Matt snorted. Made him feel. Right now he felt used.

  Grabbing his bag, he stood and pulled out his phone. He should text Josh and tell him it was over. He gripped the phone tight in his hand feeling the plastic dig into his palm when it suddenly beeped, causing Matt to jump.

  Putting his code on the phone, Matt stared at the screen when it revealed who the message was from. Josh. Why was he texting him
now? He'd just left, and that was because Josh had pretty much thrown him out.

  'Come 'round tomorrow night and stay.'

  Matt grunted as he read the message. Not bothering to reply, Matt put the phone in his pocket and walked back home.

  Chapter Seven

  Luke was on the dance floor, throwing his arms up in the air, and Matt laughed. He watched Sarah move in front of Luke and fling her arms around his neck. Matt shook his head. He hadn't seen that one coming. Luke with a girl. He was sure Luke was gay, but it would seem he was bi instead.

  He looked back at the other couple, Jesse and Beth, and smiled at them. He'd only met them a couple of times, but they seemed nice enough. He knew they'd been together since the start of the year, and it looked like things were going well for them. He watched Beth lean into Jesse as he wrapped his arms around her, smiling down at her.

  Matt turned away, his stomach turning to lead and his chest tightening. He inhaled deeply then stood up. He waved his bottle at them, and when they both shook their heads, he headed towards the bar.

  Standing in the crowd, he scanned the club, stopping when he spotted Josh in the corner. Matt swore. There was more than one club in Manchester, but it would have to be this one that Josh was in.

  Josh raised his head and their eyes locked across the dance floor. Matt watched as a girl sat in Josh's lap and threw her arms around him. He laughed at something she said and bent to kiss her, all the while maintaining eye contact with Matt.

  Matt sucked in a breath, watching Josh let the girl kiss him. It had been a matter of hours since they'd fucked and here he was with a girl. He shook his head and started to walk to the exit. He wasn't going to be in the same club as Josh and watch him get off with some girl knowing he was there and could see it. Fuck, Matt did mean that little to Josh.

  As he reached the exit, he was grabbed from behind and spun around. His breath rushed out as he was pushed up against a wall and he narrowed his eyes looking up to find Josh stood in front of him.

  "Where are you going?"

  "What the fuck has it got to do with you?"

  Josh leant into him, and their chests touched. "I thought it had a lot to do with me. I mean, we fucked a couple of hours ago. Forgotten?"

  Matt gaped at him. "Forgotten? I'm not the one with some cow sat in my lap kissing her. Leave me the fuck alone and go back to your bitch."

  Josh smiled, but there was no warmth in it. "I thought you were my bitch, Matt."

  "Fuck off." Matt pushed against Josh's chest, but he didn't move.

  "You're mine." Josh practically snarled in Matt's face.

  "What? So I have to watch you get off with someone else and pretend I'm not bothered? I'm sick of you making me feel like this. Like I mean nothing to you."

  Josh gripped Matt's hair and pushed his head back into the wall. "What did you expect? I'm not gay, and you are. You don't have to come when I call you, do you? But you do. Can't keep away, can you?" He leant in close to Matt's mouth. "If I said we'd go back to mine, you'd come, wouldn't you? And you'd let me do whatever I wanted with you. Once a whore –"

  Matt screamed as he threw his body into Josh, causing Josh to stumble back. "Fuck you. Don't call me again. It's over. I'm sick of letting you use me. God, how stupid was I? I love you, and this is where –"

  Josh stepped back, sneering down at Matt. "You love me? Fuck that. I don't want a fucking whore. The only thing you love is having a big fat dick in your –"

  Matt never heard what Josh was going to say as Josh spun away from him and the next second was on the floor, hand held to his face. Matt looked down at him, his mouth hanging open before he slowly looked up to see who had punched him. Luke.

  Luke's chest was heaving as he panted. "What the fuck did he say to you? I saw him pushing you around, and I'm not having that useless piece of shit lay his hands on you." Luke leant over Josh. "Get the fuck up and get gone. Cunt."

  "I'm going, Luke," Matt told him, pushing away from the wall.

  "No, don't go. Don't let that piece of shit ruin your night out. Fucking prick."

  "No, I need to go." He gave Josh one last look, but all Josh did was glare at him. How could he have ever loved him?

  He spun away, pushing his way through the crowd towards the exit. Once he was out, he scanned the area looking for a taxi, but he couldn't find one. Wasn't that just his luck. He wrapped his arms around his chest as he started the long walk back home.

  Every step was hard, his body heavy, and he struggled to walk. Matt's phone rang, and he ignored it. It was Josh's ringtone, the one he'd recently put in, and he didn't want to talk to him. He wasn't sure if he would ever speak to him again. Josh had caused enough damage, and Matt needed to end it and walk away.

  Realising he'd walked into a park, Matt stopped and stared at the trees and bushes around him, then slumped back against the trunk of a tree. He slid down, dropping his head to his knees as his stomach churned. Matt tried to breathe but couldn't, his chest too tight. He squeezed his eyes closed and choked out a sob.

  Josh. He loved him so much. Why him? Why did it have to be him? Of all the people he could give his heart to...

  Matt slumped forward, his vision blurring as the first tears fell. His limbs were heavy, and he dropped his head to the ground as sobs wracked his body. He struggled to breathe as he heaved through his tears and his stomach lurched. He wanted to be sick. The thought of not having Josh in his life...what was he going to do? How could Matt stay away from the one person he loved? The one person who didn't love or want him in return.

  He choked as more tears flowed down his cheeks, and he rubbed at his itchy face. He wiped his nose on his sleeve, and he lifted his head, looking around. He tried to breathe but struggled. His chest was tight, and he closed his eyes as another wave of anguish and hurt flooded through him.

  His body was heavy, and he struggled to contain the emotions that seemed to be taking over him. He didn't want to be alone. He wanted Josh. Why didn't Josh want him? Was he that stained? Matt shook his head as more tears escaped. His phone rang again, and he switched it off, knowing that Josh was trying to contact him. Why? What would he say this time? Hadn't he hurt him enough?

  He wasn't sure how long he sat on the ground by the tree. He stared at his surroundings, not really absorbing them. His mind was blank. He only felt. He closed his eyes and he sighed as he pushed up. He glanced up at the sky and could see the beginnings of dawn and realised he'd spent most of the night sat on the ground crying.

  Now? Now he was just numb. He walked out of the park and headed home, his eyes itchy and sore.

  The sun had broken over the horizon by the time he made it home. He opened the door and stood listening to the sounds of the house. Silence. Pushing the door closed, he went up the stairs and entered his room, stopping when he saw Luke asleep on his bed.

  Running his hand through his hair, Matt sighed and sat on his bed next to Luke. He stroked his hand over Luke's fair hair and then gently nudged him awake.

  Luke stared up at him, blinking sleepily, and Matt watched him rub the sleep from his eyes. Yawning, Luke pushed himself up and sat back, leaning against the headboard.

  Glancing over Matt's face, Luke shook his head slowly. Matt turned away, avoiding Luke's gaze. He knew he looked a mess.

  "What happened? Where did you go?" Luke asked, reaching out to touch Matt's hand. "I tried calling you, but it kept going through to voicemail. I've been worried about you." Luke looked at Matt's face again. "Have you been crying? Tell me what's going on?"

  Matt shrugged. "Nothing. Nothing now."

  "Nothing now? So there was? Who?"

  Matt shook his head. "Doesn't matter now. It's over. I've finished it."

  "Matt –"

  Matt rubbed his forehead. "Please, Luke. I can't talk about it. I just want to have a shower and then go to bed."

  Luke was silent for a few seconds, and then asked, "Where have you been?"

  Matt looked away from Luke's probing stare as
he shrugged. "Nowhere really."

  "Nowhere? I waited for you. I was worried for –"

  "Luke, stop. Just drop it. Please. We'll talk later, I promise. I just need to go to bed."

  Luke stared at him before nodding and moving off his bed. "I'm not gonna drop this. We've been through too much together for me to walk away when I can see you've been hurt. I'll talk to you later about it. Do you need anything?"

  Matt shook his head. "Thanks, though."

  Luke looked at him one last time before walking from his room and shutting the door behind him.

  Matt lay on his bed and stared up at the ceiling. He felt like shit. He had a blocked nose and his face felt itchy and sticky. His throat hurt and his chest ached. He rolled onto his side and stared out of the window. He wanted to be anywhere but here. He wanted to run away and not have to face this. He pictured Josh's face and cleared his throat to stop himself from crying again. The emotions were overwhelming.

  He knew when he finally finished his exams he would go away somewhere. He needed to leave and get his head together. Fuck. Was he even in the right place to do his exams?

  He rubbed a hand over his face. He couldn't fuck up now. He'd worked too hard to get where he was. If only he'd never met Josh. But then he would never have felt the way he did when he was with him.

  But, was the high worth the low?

  Chapter Eight

  Josh threw his phone against the wall. Why the fuck wasn't Matt answering? Who did he think he was, not taking his calls? Matt should know by now that he never meant half the shit that came out of his mouth. This was because he wouldn't tell people he was with Matt. Matt was punishing him because he wanted to keep this between them.