The Balance Project

by Susie Orman Schnall

  I shift uncomfortably in my Kelly chair and tell Katherine that I’m so sorry for her that she feels that way. “I didn’t realize it had gotten so bad,” I say. “For whatever it’s worth, Katherine, I am totally here for you. For whatever you need. You may not be, as you say, perfect at being balanced or whatever, but you’re pretty damn good at it. And you’re inspiring so many women. You heard them all at Barnes & Noble.”

  I’m not sure I completely believe everything I’m saying, but I feel badly for Katherine so I want to comfort her. It sounds like she has no idea about Theo. Thank God because, at this point, that would completely put her over the edge, although she might be over it already.

  “Thanks, Lucy. Thanks for being supportive. You know I could never in a million years do any of this without you,” she says wistfully and looks at her computer screen. “Well, that’s been a nice little shit show, but I don’t have time for any more histrionics. I have a book to sell, a restaurant to launch, and a million other things to deal with. Thanks for hearing me out, Lucy. Let’s keep this between the two of us, okay? I trust you with this private stuff, but I don’t trust anyone else with it.”

  “Of course,” I say and get up to open the door and go to my desk. I stop and turn around, “Do you need anything right now, Katherine?” I ask.

  “Nothing that you can give me,” she says sadly not even looking up from her computer. I close the door softly behind me.

  When I get back to my desk, there’s an e-mail in my inbox from Jonathan from the HR department at Hearst asking me to come in for an interview this week. Ava must have put in a good word on my behalf to get them to respond to me so quickly. I write Jonathan back and tell him thanks but I’ve rethought my current job situation and I’m going to stay where I am. There’s no way I could desert Katherine right now.

  Just then, Maggie Stern, the Green Goddess director of restaurant operations, marches up to my desk demanding to see Katherine. Maggie is the Hillary Clinton of Green Goddess. She’s smart as hell, everyone’s afraid of her, she wears outdated matronly suits, and if she gets her way, she just might run the place one day.

  “She’s on a call right now, Maggie. Sorry. But I can have her call you when she gets off,” I say politely.

  Maggie looks down at my phone console. “Then why isn’t one of the lines lit up?” She raises her eyebrows and nods rapidly.

  “Oh,” I scramble. “She must have just gotten off. Hold on a sec,” I say. I get up, knock gently at Katherine’s door, and open it up.

  One second later I’m back at my desk staring at a very impatient Maggie.

  “Sorry, Maggie. She said she’s in the middle of something and she’ll call you in a half hour or so.”

  “Seriously, Lucy? Seriously?” she asks sarcastically.

  “Yeah, seriously, Maggie. Sorry, but she’s been really busy.”

  “We’ve all been really busy, Lucy,” Maggie says condescendingly. “But we’ve got a restaurant to launch. Please tell her that I need to speak with her ASAP. Nigel is up my ass and we need to figure some things out.” She doesn’t wait for me to say anything. She turns around on her sensible loafers and marches back toward the cave from whence she came.

  I e-mail Katherine (I don’t think the tinny intercom would be a welcome addition to her office ambience right now) the gist of Maggie’s request and hold back from telling her that the request was actually a demand.

  I’m getting coffee in the kitchen a little while later when Kyle Jackson, who works in the digital-media department, comes in.

  “Now, this is someone I’m really going to miss,” Kyle says, looking at me with sad eyes when I turn around. Kyle is wearing skinny black jeans, a Green Day concert T-shirt, a grey zip-up hoodie, and black Converse: the height of techie fashion.

  “I’m not going anywhere,” I say, smiling. “At least not that I know of. Is there something I should know about my job, Kyle?” We’re friends, but he’s known to be kind of a jerk.

  “I’m moving on, Lucy,” Kyle says looking melodramatically into the distance with a smirk on his face. “Greener pastures.”

  “Oh, no, say it isn’t so. Where are you going?”

  “I got a job at a company called Gotham Web. They’re doing some really cutting-edge shit. It’s a great job.”

  “That’s amazing. Congratulations.”

  “Thanks,” he says. “I think you should apply for my job, Lucy. I know how much you want to do digital stuff. You’ve been bugging me with all those questions of yours for years. I can put in a good word for you with Ash if you want.”

  I can’t very well tell him that there’s no way I could leave Katherine right now. That, in fact, she just had a complete meltdown and might still actually be crying in her office. It would be heartless for me to leave Katherine knowing how intense everything is with the book and London. And with Theo. Oh, Theo. No, there’s no way I could leave Katherine. Not that I’m someone irreplaceable. That’s not it at all. I know someone else could do my job. It’s just the timing right now isn’t good. Maybe in a few weeks. But I can’t tell Kyle any of that.

  “Huh. Interesting,” I say to Kyle. “Yeah, please, if you don’t mind. That would be great. Thanks.”

  Kyle grabs his coffee and heads out of the kitchen. I stir some extra sugar into mine and hurry back to my desk.

  There’s a text from Ava waiting for me on my phone when I get back to my desk. I respond right away.

  Ava: Dinner tonight? xA

  Lucy: YES!

  Dinner with Ava is exactly what I need.

  Chapter Ten

  I meet Ava at Isabella’s on Columbus and Seventy-Seventh Street at eight. Isabella’s is on the expensive side, but we love it there so much that sometimes we splurge. Ava and I used to get together once a week for dinner. Lately, that hasn’t entirely been the case, and it’s more because of my schedule than Ava’s. Ava is certainly busy at Cosmo, but normal New York City busy. There’s usually time for dinner once a week when you’re normal New York City busy.

  Ava and I have been best friends since high school, and we stayed best friends throughout college. I would visit her in Boston (she went to Boston University) and she would grace me with her adorable presence in Durham. I never know what I’m gonna get when I see Ava. Tonight, she’s pretty subdued with her hair in a big messy bun on the top of her head, bright-red lipstick, and a ring on every finger. Including her thumbs.

  “Been too long since we did this, Luce,” Ava says giving me a kiss, her armful of bracelets clinking loudly.

  “I know. I’m sorry,” I say as we sit at a table for two. Unfortunately, it’s too cold to sit outside on the large and lively patio at Isabella’s, one of its biggest draws.

  “So did you hear anything back from Hearst about the job?” Ava asks once we’ve settled in and ordered. We’re splitting the fried calamari. Then Ava’s getting the kale salad (to make up for the calamari) and I’m getting the bacon cheeseburger (to make up for my job and love life).

  “Jobs, actually. I applied for a few. And they asked me, well Jonathan from HR asked me, to come in for an interview.”

  “That’s great! Toast!” Ava says, lifting her glass of pinot grigio.

  “Hold up, skippy. Not so fast,” I say as she looks at me with questioning eyes and sets down her glass. “I wrote him back and told him I had rethought my application and was going to actually stay in my current position.”

  “Why, Luce? Why did you do that? That job sounded perfect for you. And you’ve been with Katherine for so long,” Ava says, looking concerned.

  “I know. And that job and the other ones they’re looking to fill are perfect for me. But things are crazy busy at work, and I feel too badly leaving Katherine right now. She’s not having the easiest time with everything that’s on her plate. All that balance stuff, if you know what I mean.” I give a fake laugh. “But things will calm down soon, and then I can start a proper job search,” I say taking a sip of my lager.

  We b
oth start talking again at the same time. It seems as if Ava is going to ask me something, but she tells me to continue. So I do.

  “Well, there are two big things that I need to get your opinion on,” I say to her.

  The first is Nick and I fill her in on everything that happened since she and I spoke Friday night after Nick presented me with his list at Carlo’s. I tell her about Nick’s two-word “love” letter delivered by the bartender at Union Square Cafe, my family’s not-so-subtle push toward marriage, and the constant and low-grade ache all over my body.

  “What are you going to do?” Ava asks as the waiter delivers our calamari.

  “I’m still having a hard time getting comfortable with this whole marriage thing. However, I haven’t heard from Nick and that is pure torture. So I am also having a hard time getting comfortable with not having Nick in my life at all. That is completely out of the question,” I start to get emotional. “I’m willing to do the things on the list because they’re things I really need to do, but after my no-show on Saturday night, and his efficiently worded missive, I have no idea what he’s even thinking.”

  “I think you should call him and tell him you’ve been an idiot, and you’ve reconsidered, and you would love to marry him.”

  “Ava!”

  “What? I’m serious.”

  “I can’t do that. I’m not sure I believe that.”

  “Oh, please, Lucy. Get over it. Get over your whole poorly argued, long-held, self-righteous assertion that marriage is the devil. Yes, your parents made a terrible mess of things. Yes, they’re horrible examples. But there are loads of good examples. I want to get married and look what happened to my parents. Marriage might be the devil and it might not. But what do you have to lose? Just go for it. For all you know it could be the best decision you ever make.”

  As I think about what she says, she changes the subject.

  “Not to gloss over your fear of white dresses,” Ava says, and I give her a dirty look. “Sorry. But what’s the other thing you wanted to talk to me about? You know I have no patience when it comes to big news.”

  “I wouldn’t say this is big news exactly but it is a big deal, and I need your guidance. But first, you have to swear on your own life and the life of your parents and the lives of your future children, actually, just swear on your job, that you will not tell anyone, and I mean anyone, what I’m about to tell you,” I say, getting a little intense.

  “Okay, jeez. I won’t tell anyone,” Ava says, rolling her eyes.

  “This is about someone else’s private life and I probably shouldn’t tell you, but it’s eating me up, and I don’t know what to do.”

  “Enough with the drama, Lucy. Spill it!”

  “I walked in on Katherine’s husband having an affair,” I whisper.

  Ava’s jaw drops and she looks at me in disbelief as she moves her head closer toward mine. “Where were you?” she finally asks, also in a whisper.

  “Katherine asked me to pick something up at her apartment in the middle of the day yesterday. She gave me a key so I walked right into the apartment. I went into her bedroom to get what she needed and there he was. In the bed.”

  “Holy shit,” Ava says.

  “I know. It’s awful. And I don’t know if I’m supposed to tell Katherine. Or tell Theo that I’m going to tell her so he can tell her first. But I really want to do the right thing here. What should I do?”

  “Oh, man, Lucy. I have no idea. But I wouldn’t give that bastard the luxury of a warning. No way. He does not deserve that,” Ava says emphatically. Her last two boyfriends cheated on her, and her dad cheated on her mom, so Ava is not a fan of the cheater.

  “So you think I should tell her?” I ask.

  “Maybe. One of my mom’s friends told my mom about my dad, because apparently everyone knew but my mom, and my mom was so thankful her friend told her. Don’t you think Katherine deserves to know? I don’t know why you’re protecting Theo.”

  “I’m not protecting Theo. I’m protecting Katherine. She’s got a lot on her plate right now, and I don’t feel the need to burden her with something else. And you never know the whole story. Maybe it wasn’t what it looked like.”

  “Were they in bed together?” Ava asks me flatly.

  “Yes.”

  “Were their clothes on?”

  “No. Not exactly.”

  “Then, c’mon Lucy. What else could it have been?” Ava tilts her head and looks at me expectantly.

  “I don’t know. It’s just that Theo is so great. And I can’t believe he would do this to Katherine.”

  “Yeah, everyone thought my dad was so great, too. But great guys do shitty things. They don’t always think with the right part of their bodies. But when they do these shitty things, they should have to deal with the consequences. Could you live with yourself if you didn’t tell her and she went on not knowing?

  “Could I live with myself? Isn’t that a little dramatic, Ava?” I ask.

  “Well, maybe a little. Anyway, I think I would tell her.”

  “Really?” I let out a deep exhale. Telling Katherine about Theo is so not something I’m prepared to do. But if it’s the right thing to do, then I guess I should do it.

  “Sorry, babe, but it’s kind of woman code, and I know you like Katherine, so you pretty much have to tell her.”

  The busboy clears our calamari plate and we sit staring at each other in silence for a minute. I look around at the other people in the restaurant. They look so unburdened. I envy these strangers. It looks like Ava is preparing herself to say something. She finally does.

  “So, I realize from the last two topics of conversation that this might not be the best time for what I’m about to ask you, but I told my friend I would, so here goes.”

  “Your friend? What friend?” I ask and make a face at her.

  “Hmmm, where do I start?” Ava asks. It doesn’t seem like she’s taunting me by delaying. It genuinely seems as if she doesn’t know where to start.

  “Just start!”

  “Okay, okay. So you know how I talk a lot about my friend Daniel who used to work at Cosmo with me?” Ava asks.

  “Yes.”

  “Well, apparently he met you on Saturday.”

  “Saturday?” I ask, trying to think of where I was on Saturday.

  “At Katherine’s. He was working on the interview for People.”

  “Oh, yeah. I met him.”

  “Well, this is a long story so bear with me. As I said, Daniel used to work at Cosmo but now he works at the New York Post. His uncle Logan works for People, that’s who he was with that day, and sometimes Daniel helps him on the weekends with projects to get more experience.”

  “Okay,” I say. “I’m following.”

  “Daniel knows that I have a best friend named Lucy but he doesn’t know what you do, or at least, didn’t know before today what you do. So today, I had lunch with Daniel, who’s a total gossip, and he started telling me about the interview he did on Saturday with his uncle. And he said the interview was with Katherine Whitney. And then he said that he kept overhearing, sometimes innocently and sometimes shamelessly eavesdropping, Katherine being a complete asshole to her assistant. So I described what you look like and he said it was definitely you. Was it you?”

  “Yes,” I say hesitantly. “I was at Katherine’s on Saturday helping her out.”

  “Anyway, Daniel was basically saying Katherine seemed like a complete bitch and he thought the whole thing was, in his words, completely fucking ironic, because they were there to interview someone who’s all about preaching balance and he said her life did not seem to appear that way. Although he did say that when she was with him and his uncle, she was like a complete angel.”

  “Katherine’s going through a lot right now, Ava. She’s got a lot on her plate. She got a little frustrated with everything that was going on on Saturday and she hadn’t slept a lot the night before, but it wasn’t a big deal. Sounds like your friend Daniel is getting a lit
tle carried away.”

  “Really, Lucy?” Ava asks.

  “Really, Ava,” I say, a little annoyed and unsure where she’s going with all this.

  “Because I heard some of the things she said.”

  “What are you talking about?” I’m starting to feel like I’m being put on the defensive.

  “Daniel recorded her.”

  “What?” I ask, completely shocked.

  “Every time he heard Katherine start up with you, he recorded it on his phone.”

  “Jesus, Ava. He must have been lurking around corners. I didn’t even see the guy near us.”

  “He’s a little sneaky.”

  “I hope you told him to erase it. That’s just lame that he goes around recording people like that. And isn’t that illegal?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “So what does this all have to do with me?” I ask as our dinners arrive.

  Ava pauses. She seems to be mustering courage. “Well, I told him I didn’t want to ask you this, but he thinks it’s a really important piece, so I told him I would.”

  “What? Told him you would what?” Now I’m starting to feel uncomfortable.

  “Okay.” She takes a deep breath. “Daniel is planning on writing an exposé for the Post about Katherine, about how she’s out there talking all about balance and that it’s not all what it seems. And he wants you to give him information as an inside source from her office.”

  “Are you on drugs, Ava?” I ask. “No fucking way. That’s disgusting.”

  “You said it yourself, Lucy. You said she isn’t exactly killing it in this whole balance thing.”

  “That’s not what I said, Ava. And even if she wasn’t, as you say, exactly killing it in this whole balance thing, why do you think for a second I’d betray her and go behind her back feeding information to your little friend for some salacious tell-all?” I’m pissed now.

  “Sorry, Luce. I’m not trying to make you angry. This is why I didn’t want to ask you at all because I knew you’d react this way. But Daniel begged me.”