The Balance Project

by Susie Orman Schnall

  “Well, you can tell Daniel there’s no way that I’m going to be his source. Why would he want to do such a mean piece anyway?” I ask.

  “Probably because it sells newspapers. But also because he said he went out with his sister later that night, who is a working mom, and she said that she gets so annoyed when women go all public, preaching how easy it all is when it’s not. She has two kids and she’s always saying how hard it is to balance it all. So she got kind of worked up when Daniel was telling her all that he heard and saw, and she was like ‘See, see. It’s not so easy. Even Katherine Whitney loses her shit.’ She made him feel like he had some sort of responsibility to American women to expose Katherine to stop her from making other women feel badly about themselves. I don’t know. It sounds a little ridiculous, but I’m just telling you what he told me. He was all fired up to write this article.”

  This balance-is-impossible argument is becoming a regular refrain. First my sister-in-law Kelly. Then Grace. Then Katherine essentially said it herself. And now Daniel’s sister.

  “No way, Ava. There’s absolutely no way. I would never be so unethical and disloyal. And you should tell your little friend Daniel and his sister that there are hundreds of thousands, maybe millions, of women who look up to Katherine, who write her e-mails telling her how much her book is helping them.”

  “Sorry, Luce. I didn’t mean to make you upset. I’m sorry I asked you. Please don’t shoot the messenger,” she says and gives me a don’t-be-mad smile. I’ve seen that smile before. And, as usual, I can’t stay mad at Ava for that long.

  “Not to give you any ideas or anything, but why does he need information from me anyway?” I ask.

  “Because he wants to have a legitimate source from Green Goddess.”

  “Oh, shit!” I say, realizing I told Ava about Theo.

  “What?” Ava asks.

  “I told you about Theo. Don’t you dare. I mean it, Ava. Don’t you dare tell Daniel or any of the people at your magazine or at any other magazine or newspaper what I told you. I never should have told anyone about that,” I say and I so regret that I ever opened my mouth about it. Ava is very trustworthy and I’m not concerned she’ll tell anyone but in light of this whole Post thing, I’m starting to regret telling her. And I feel badly because it’s none of my business what happened in the first place.

  “I won’t tell anyone, Lucy. I promise.”

  “You better not, Ava. It would be so wrong.”

  “Okay, I get it, Lucy. You don’t have to explain that to me. I know it would be wrong. Plus, I know if I did mention it to him, he would go off and write a story about it. So you have my word.”

  “So what have we accomplished in this most intriguing and eventful dinner so far?” I ask sarcastically. “Hmmm, you want me to reconsider my, ahem, self-righteous thoughts on marriage and accept my boyfriend’s proposal, if he’ll still have me.”

  “Right,” Ava says.

  “You want me to tell my boss that her husband is moonlighting.”

  “Yes,” Ava says.

  “And you want me to pull a Benedict Arnold so your friend can sensationalize Katherine, sell lots of newspapers, and make a name for himself as the next Woodward and Bernstein.”

  “Well, no. Not really anymore. I see your point on that one, and I’ll tell Daniel to abort mission.”

  “Thank you,” I say as we finish our dinner and pass on dessert.

  “What did you think of my quote post today, by the way?” Ava asks, smirking at me.

  “I didn’t see it. What did it say?”

  “The people you fight with most are the people worth fighting for.”

  Chapter Eleven

  The next morning, Wednesday, I get to my desk and am relieved to find Katherine’s office still empty. When nine o’clock comes and goes, I become concerned about Katherine. She’s usually in by eight, there’s nothing on her calendar—no breakfast out of the office that she is supposed to be at eating egg whites and blueberries—and she’s not answering my texts.

  By nine thirty, I’ve taken sixteen phone messages, four from Nigel alone, and dodged no fewer than five coworkers looking for Katherine to approve this, sign that, do this very thing this very second to keep Green Goddess in operation. She’s about to miss a very important status meeting about London. And I’m trying, once again, to keep all of Katherine’s balls in the air.

  A little after ten, Maggie marches to my desk demanding to know where Katherine is and why she wasn’t in the meeting.

  “I don’t know, Maggie.”

  “I don’t buy it, Lucy. How can you not know?”

  “I don’t. Really. She doesn’t have anything on her calendar, besides that London meeting, which I now realize by your presence at my desk, she didn’t slip into without my knowledge. And she’s not answering my texts. But I’ll let her know that you came by.”

  Maggie stands there staring at me for a second, maybe deciding which kind of witch she’s choosing to be. Ah, it appears she’s chosen Glinda. Lucky me. “Okay, Lucy. Please do let her know that. I really need to speak with her about London like an hour ago.”

  “Will do,” I say and give her a smile.

  Maggie and Katherine would not, shall we say, be finalists in the Green Goddess BFF category. No love lost there. Katherine doesn’t have anything against Maggie, she actually thinks she’s incredibly smart and great at her job, but Maggie has always been a thorn in her side. Like she’s got it out for Katherine. Damn woman makes me nervous.

  Around eleven, with still no word from Katherine, I’m wondering if I should be taking this more seriously. What if something happened to her? I’m about to call Theo, which I really do not want to do, when Katherine comes strolling in.

  “Hey,” she says nonchalantly, stopping at my desk.

  “Hey,” I say, stunned by the nonchalance.

  “Anything I need to know?” she asks, looking at her phone.

  “Tons, actually,” I say.

  “Okay, come on in. I just need to answer an e-mail and then you can fill me in.”

  I give her a minute to get settled and send that e-mail and then I sit quietly on a Kelly chair waiting for her to finish what she’s doing.

  When she finally looks at me, I notice a small Band-Aid on her forehead.

  “I’ve got lots of people looking for you, Katherine,” I say. “I didn’t know where you were this morning.”

  “Sorry, Lucy. Theo was giving me a hard time last night about that biopsy, so I called Dr. Browning’s office first thing and he was able to see me. Things kind of got carried away and then I had to wait forever, and it all took a lot longer than I thought it would.”

  “Did you see all my e-mails and texts?”

  “For some reason I couldn’t get any cell service in the office, and when I finally got back in the car, I saw them but I knew I’d be in shortly and I had to get on the phone with Nigel on my way here. Sorry I left you hanging all morning with these sharks circling.”

  I follow up with Katherine on all her messages, including the lovely visit Maggie paid, and I get back to my desk.

  We each work quietly for the next couple hours. I hear Katherine typing away and making phone calls. Around one thirty, Katherine intercoms me and asks if I’ve had lunch. I go into her office.

  “I haven’t and I was actually going to go down and grab something because I’m starving. Do you want me to get you something?” I ask.

  “Yes, please. Can you get me a veggie wrap and a cup of whatever the soup is today? Here’s some money, use it for your lunch, too,” Katherine says.

  “Okay, thanks,” I say and head down to the cafeteria.

  “So did you apply for my job yet?” Kyle asks. He’s just come up behind me in the soup line.

  “Not yet.”

  “Why not?”

  “Things are so busy with Katherine right now. It’s not good timing,” I say, ladling soup into a small container.

  “I love the lentil, too,” he sa
ys when I hand him the ladle.

  “It’s actually for Katherine.”

  “You have to get her lunch?”

  “I don’t have to. I was heading down anyway, and I asked her if she wanted anything.”

  “I thought you always wanted to do digital media. Getting soup for your boss is not exactly living the dream, is it?” He laughs condescendingly.

  “There are different roads, Kyle. And you don’t have to be such a dick about it. Right now this is my road, and I’m okay with it. Eventually, if it’s meant to be, the timing will be right and then I’ll move into digital media.”

  “Oh, so you’re one of those meant-to-be girls?” he asks, as we both move to the cashier line.

  “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “It means you don’t take charge of your life and make things happen. You just wait for fate to take over and let things happen when they’re all destined to and shit?”

  “No. I don’t do that,” I say indignantly. “I don’t like how you’re making all these assumptions about me, Kyle. We’re work friends and all, but you don’t know anything about me.”

  “Oh, I know girls like you, Lucy,” Kyle says arrogantly, waving his hand in the air like an idiot. “You’re the type of girl who loses jobs to guys like me because you’re too scared to make shit happen in your life.”

  “Jesus, Kyle. That’s a little out of line, isn’t it?” I ask completely annoyed at this point. We’ve both paid, and we’re heading toward the elevator together.

  “Is it, Lucy? Is it out of line?” Kyle asks. “Or am I dead right about you?” He winks at me.

  The elevator door opens and we start to walk inside. I raise my fist to punch him in the face, but think better of it at the last second. As I’m about to say something both brilliantly articulate and sufficiently insulting to shut this whole thing down, Kyle turns around and heads back to the cafeteria.

  “I forgot my crackers. Catch you later, Lucy.”

  The elevator doors close and I want to punch the wall. But as I stand there stewing, watching the floor numbers light up one by one as I pass them by, I realize that he’s not so off target with me. I certainly don’t like being characterized that way by someone who barely knows me, but isn’t what he said a little bit true? I am too scared to make shit happen in my life. I am waiting for the right time, waiting for things to change in Katherine’s life so I can make changes in my own. But isn’t that a completely backward way to look at it? Man, Kyle Jackson, you are an asshole but you pegged me on this one. Rather than thinking only of how my applying for the digital-media job will affect Katherine, I really need to think about how not applying for the job will affect me.

  Right then something comes over me and I have a moment of clarity. And courage.

  “Katherine, there’s actually something I want to talk to you about,” I say as I hand her her lunch and the change from the twenty-dollar bill.

  “What’s up?” she asks, eyes back on her computer monitor.

  “You know Kyle Jackson who works for Ash in digital media?”

  “Yeah,” she says half paying attention and half typing an e-mail.

  I decide to speed things up. “Well, he’s leaving and they’re looking to fill his job and I know how busy things are right now and I know it’s not the best timing but you know how badly I’ve always wanted to do digital media and I’ve been thinking about it a lot and I don’t know when there will be another opening in that department and I don’t think I can pass this opportunity up.” I exhale. I have Katherine’s full attention now.

  “Wow. Okay. Wow,” Katherine says. It appears I’ve rendered her speechless. The phone rings. We both ignore it and allow it to go to voice mail.

  I wait for Katherine to speak. My stomach is churning. I can’t actually believe I said something. You go, Lucy!

  “I didn’t know you were unhappy,” she finally says.

  “That’s not it. It’s not that I’m unhappy. But when I think of my career and what I want for myself long term, I know that I want to be doing digital media. Working for you is great. You’ve given me so many opportunities, but I don’t want to be an assistant forever.”

  “I don’t know what I’d do without you, Lucy,” Katherine says.

  This is not about our close relationship. This is about Katherine knowing that I am clearly holding it all together for her. That my all-encompassing devotion to her career allows her to maintain this illusion that she is, indeed, America’s Darling of Balance. And now that I’ve gone all bold, I’m starting to admit to myself that even though I want to apply for Kyle’s job because I want to be in the digital-media department, a big part of me also doesn’t want to work for Katherine anymore. That’s it, hot damn. I’m tired of this shit. I want to work hard to further my own career, not someone else’s.

  “Oh, you’ll be fine Katherine. There are a million people who could do my job.”

  “I don’t know about that,” she says, opening the bag and starting to take out her lunch. “I am devastated to think of not having you here. But that’s totally selfish, and I respect the fact that you want to go in a different direction. What do you need me to do?”

  I realize I’ve been holding my breath, and I let out a big exhale. “Thank you so much, Katherine. I really appreciate it,” I say giddily. “I’m going to submit an official application for the job through HR, but I think if you could call Joan and Ash and let them know that you’ve given me your blessing that would be great. And a couple words of recommendation wouldn’t hurt either,” I say, enjoying this rush of courage I’m feeling. Joan is the head of HR and Ash is the head of the digital-media department. Katherine is the COO of the company, but she doesn’t make hiring decisions at the level I’m applying for. With a good recommendation from her, however, it should be no problem at all for me to get that job. I’ve read the job requirements and I’m definitely qualified, my work over the past couple years on different web projects for Katherine and my most recent work on The Balance Project website giving me the experience I need in all the systems Green Goddess uses.

  I practically do a heel click in the air walking out of her office. Good girl, Lucy! I feel so proud of myself.

  I go online to the Green Goddess career opportunities web page and I submit an official application and my résumé, which I had updated the other night when I applied for the Hearst jobs. Then I send Katherine a quick e-mail thanking her for giving me her blessing and reminding her to give Ash and Joan a call. When I click send, I feel a rush at the same time a pit starts to form in my stomach. I can’t believe what I’ve done. But I’m thrilled I did.

  Sometimes that happens to me. When there’s something that I really want to do, even though the rational part of my brain tells me not to do it, sometimes something will come over me and I’ll do it. It’s like the irrational, or impulsive, part of my brain takes a stun gun to the rational part and tells it to stand down for a moment while it takes over and gets shit done. I silently thank the impulsive brain cells and carry on. And I silently thank Kyle, begrudgingly, for lighting a fire under my ass.

  I text Nick, whom I still haven’t heard from, and tell him the good news. Hopefully, hearing that I’m making a change might make him realize that I’m starting to take control of this overworking situation. I miss him so much. I am trying to keep busy, to distract myself with work, but every time my brain senses an opening, in comes a thought of Nick. The whole thing makes me so sad.

  A little while later, and still no response from Nick, Katherine calls me into her office to go over her schedule. Before we start, she tells me she spoke to Joan and Ash, and I thank her. I realize from her perspective this all really does suck. It’s another wrench thrown into her life. Things are crazy with the book and London. Her husband, for God’s sake, is cheating on her, something I have not yet told her. And now I’ve given her the unwelcome news that I want to find a new job. It’s like an awful game show where they keep loading the contestant down with mor
e and more burdens and then wait to see how long it will take her to crack.

  Katherine’s phone rings and she picks it up on speaker.

  “Katherine Whitney.”

  “Hi, Katherine! It’s Brooke!”

  Damn woman and her exclamatory phrases.

  “Hey, Brooke. What’s up? I have Lucy here,” Katherine says.

  “Hi, Lucy!”

  “Hi, Brooke,” I say.

  “Listen, Katherine, great news!”

  Katherine and I give each other a look.

  “What?” Katherine asks.

  “Oprah Winfrey has pneumonia!”

  “That’s not great,” Katherine says, smiling at me.

  “No, you’re right. That’s not great. But she’s going to be okay. She’ll be fine. She just has to rest and can’t fly.”

  “Okay . . . ,” Katherine says, clearly not understanding what this has to do with her.

  “Oprah Winfrey was supposed to receive the Working Woman of the Year Award from Ellevate on Saturday night but now she can’t be there to speak and they need a speaker and another recipient so they want you to come! Isn’t that fabulous?!”

  “Not for Oprah,” Katherine says.

  “I know not for Oprah, but for you! It’s fabulous!”

  “What’s Ellevate?” I ask.

  “It’s the new name for 85 Broads, that organization that’s all about professional women, supporting them, creating networking and educational events, you know!” says Brooke.

  “I know 85 Broads,” Katherine says. “It’s a great organization. I’m a member. Sallie Krawcheck runs it. I love Sallie. I didn’t know they had changed their name,” Katherine says.

  “So what do you think? Saturday night?”

  “What do they need me to do?”

  “They’re giving you a table of ten to fill and they need you to speak about your book and how professional women can do it all, and balance it all, and all that stuff that you’re so good at!”

  “Wow. That’s great. I’d love to. Thanks, Brooke.”