The Balance Project

by Susie Orman Schnall

  “I admire Katherine Whitney so much,” Melissa Donaldson, a mother of two and advertising executive, said. “She is living proof that women these days can have it all. That we can be successful in our careers and be great moms and wives. She has given me the confidence to make the most out of my life, and my family and I are all the better for it.”

  Not everyone, though, is a Katherine Whitney fan. There are women who believe that her declarations set women back. They say that there aren’t enough hours in the day to have a full-time traditional job (meaning one without flexible hours, work-share programs, or the opportunity to work from home), commute, provide meals for your family, be available to your children and your spouse, and also take care of yourself. Or at least not enough hours to do all those things well.

  It’s a popular debate around the watercooler, the playground, and even in corporate boardrooms as the situation for working mothers continues to be hotly contested.

  So what does Katherine Whitney say to that backlash?

  “I would say women just aren’t giving it a chance. They’re giving up before they do all they can to make it work. I would tell them to be more thoughtful and strategic about how they structure their days, to put time in on the weekends to prepare healthy meals for the week, to delegate at home and at work, and to ask for help when they need it. Women today are so strong and in such a good position to get what they want. They just have to make it a priority.”

  I finish the article and roll my eyes. Katherine sure is pulling the wool over everyone’s eyes, I’m realizing more and more each day. Oh, my life is so perfect. Oh, I’ve got this balance thing under control. Oh, you can do it too. Barf. Barf. Barf. It’s very clear to me that Katherine’s life, as evidenced by her meltdown the other day and Theo’s romp with Red, is far from perfect. And it’s clear that this balance thing is far from under control. In fact, right now, the only reason it is under any control at all is because I’m making it that way. And she knows it. She most definitely knows it or she wouldn’t have had that conversation with Ash.

  I should quit right now. Just walk in there and confront her about what I heard. But I can’t do that to Sera and there’s no other explanation as to where I would have heard that information. I can’t tell Katherine that Ash told me himself. I could tell her that I spoke to Joan and she said she hadn’t heard from her, but Katherine could make something up about having left Joan a voice mail and she must not have gotten it yet.

  I certainly couldn’t challenge her on that without any sort of proof, at least proof that I could reveal, to the contrary. I guess I could say that I overheard Ash talking about it and that I can’t work for anyone who would betray me like that. That I trusted her implicitly and what she did is unacceptable and I can’t in good conscience continue to work for someone who has so little respect for me that she would blatantly lie to my face. That would certainly be giving her what she deserves.

  I muster my courage. I stand up. Take a deep breath. Roll my shoulders back. And push my chin up. Then, I march toward Katherine’s office, all two steps of it, and stand in her doorway.

  Katherine looks up. “Did you need something, Lucy?” she asks.

  “Um, no. I was going to get a coffee. Do you want anything?”

  So I lost my nerve. Big deal. I realized in that split second that by saying my piece, I’d be out of a job. And I certainly would have a hard time getting any sort of recommendation from Katherine for any other job. Quitting now would just be screwing myself over and that would be idiotic. All I know is I’m getting angrier by the minute.

  “No, thanks. Did you see the Huffington Post piece?” she asks, smiling widely and taking a sip of her Glow juice.

  “Yeah, it was really good,” I say.

  “I think so. I liked how it turned out. So, Lucy, I’m going to need you to help me out on Saturday night at the Ellevate dinner. Brooke unfortunately has another event she’s committed to. This did come about last minute. She offered one of the girls from her office to come, but I feel much more comfortable with you. You know this whole operation. So, black tie, Saturday night, seven o’clock at the Waldorf Astoria. We’ll probably have to get there a little early. And if you want, you can come by my apartment and go with us. You can even borrow a dress if you’d like.”

  Spare me the best friend act, Katherine. I consider telling her that I can’t come on Saturday night, that I already have plans, but as I’m opening my mouth to say that, I decide otherwise. It’ll give me a chance to see Theo and Katherine together and maybe give me a chance to get Theo alone and tell him that I’m planning on telling Katherine about Red. Plus, what else do I have going on this Saturday night? Ava has a date. And my boyfriend, if I can even call him that anymore, will most likely be out with Cosmo Girl. At least if I go to Katherine’s event, I’ll get a good meal, a few free drinks, and a nice outfit out of it.

  “Sure. No problem,” I say and turn to leave.

  “Lucy, one more thing. Do you mind starting a draft of my speech for Saturday night? I’m so busy with London. I don’t have time to work on the speech right now, and I don’t want to wait till the last minute. If you could get some thoughts down, maybe an outline, then I can fill it in if I get some free time over the next couple of days.”

  “On it,” I say and walk back to my desk.

  It’s at that very minute that I make a decision that might change the course of my life and will certainly change the course of Katherine’s.

  Chapter Thirteen

  I text Ava and ask her if she’s free for dinner. She says yes and that she’ll meet me outside my office building at six thirty and we’ll walk somewhere for dinner near Lincoln Center. I tell her that’s perfect, and then I start on Katherine’s speech.

  As I’m working, I try to think about whether I’ve ever done anything that’s truly mean. I come up with pranks on my brothers, telling Ava once in high school that I thought she was acting slutty with a particular David Hingham, and being so angry at my boss at Longford’s (the ice cream store in Rye that I worked at a few summers) after she wrongly accused me of stealing that I told her she was the ugliest person I had ever met and she should go bury herself in a hole to save the entire human race from ever having to look at her butt-ugly face. But I don’t consider any of those as truly mean. The last one might qualify, but I was provoked.

  What I’m contemplating doing, as I flip through The Balance Project to come up with talking points for her speech, is truly mean. Positively, downright, unequivocally, unmistakably, emphatically, decisively mean. (I just looked in the thesaurus for all those words to make sure I was making myself clear.)

  “Hey, don’t you look supercool!” I say to Ava when she approaches me later outside my office building.

  “Why, thank you,” she says tipping her fedora at me. She’s got her hair in two long braids sticking out from the aforementioned fedora, heavy eye makeup, and pale-pink lipstick. Supercool.

  “What do you feel like eating?” I ask as we lock arms and start walking up Broadway.

  “Sushi?”

  “Sushi sounds perfect. How about Haru?” Haru is a great sushi bar on Amsterdam, a couple blocks from my apartment. It’s always busy and has a fun vibe that Ava and I like.

  “Haru it is,” Ava says.

  “How was your day?” I ask Ava.

  “Oh, well, the life of an associate features editor at Cosmopolitan magazine is so glamorous and exciting. I started my day with an editorial meeting where all of the ideas I pitched were looked upon favorably by the powers that be. I had lunch with a very famous and talented journalist who we’re hoping will become a regular contributor. And then the girls in the beauty department gave me an entire tote bag filled with free, full-size makeup and skincare products,” Ava says.

  “Wow, Ava. That’s amazing!”

  “Really? Really, Lucy? Are you even paying attention?”

  “Sorry, I’m a little distracted.”

  “Well, that is so not how my
day went. But a girl can dream. A girl can dream!” Ava says putting her arms in the air triumphantly. “What are you so distracted about?”

  “Let’s start with the fact that Nick might be cheating on me,” I say, looking at her with my eyebrows raised.

  “What?” Ava asks, stopping in the middle of the sidewalk to stare at me.

  “I said ‘maybe.’ I’m trying not to jump to conclusions.”

  “How do you know?”

  “I saw them,” I say.

  “Okay, enough of this cryptic bullshit. What the hell are you talking about?” Ava asks, so I tell her the whole story.

  “Wow. Do you think he was actually on a date?” Ava asks.

  “It sure looked like it,” I say.

  “Are you guys technically broken up?”

  “Broken up?” I ask annoyed. “I have no idea. I haven’t heard from him in—what is it now?—six days! But even if he thinks we’re broken up, I still don’t think it’s appropriate that he should already be dating girls with long blonde hair who drink cosmos.”

  “She was drinking a cosmo?” Ava asks.

  “I know. Can you believe it?”

  “So what are you going to do?”

  “Well, there’s not much I can do. I’m not sure if you’re hearing what I’m saying. He. Won’t. Call. Me. Back. I can’t very well accuse him of cheating on me if he won’t even talk to me.”

  “Yeah, I see your point there. Man, this sucks. I’m sorry you had to see that.”

  “It’s better that I saw it and know what’s going on than to not know at all.”

  “I guess so. Speaking of not knowing at all, did you ever say anything to Katherine about Theo?” She whispers when she says “Theo.”

  “No,” I laugh at her whisper. “And thank you for not saying it loudly. Did you say anything to anyone about Theo?” I ask, also whispering “Theo.”

  “No. C’mon Lucy. You know I wouldn’t do that.”

  “I know.”

  Eventually we get to Haru and settle into a table. We order sushi and drinks, and talk about the guy she just started dating. After the waiter sets down our drinks, I look Ava squarely in the eyes with a serious expression. “So.”

  “So, what?” she asks, looking at me curiously.

  “So, you can tell your little friend Daniel yes.” I say, taking a sip of my Kirin.

  “Yes, what?” Ava asks, taking a sip of her sake.

  “Yes, I’ll give him information on Katherine.”

  “What?” Ava says, choking on her sake and spitting it out all over the table.

  “Ava!”

  “Sorry! But it’s your fault,” she says as we use our napkins to mop up the sake.

  “You sound surprised,” I say.

  “Of course, I’m surprised. Why the change of heart?”

  “I found out today that Katherine did something to me that I find inexcusable and reprehensible.” I tell her about Kyle’s job, Joan and Ash, and what Sera told me.

  “Maybe this Sera is making it up,” Ava says.

  “No. No way. I’ve known her for a long time. She wouldn’t do that.”

  “But you’ve known Katherine for a long time, and I can’t imagine you’d think she’d do what Sera says she did.”

  “Actually, I can imagine it. I mean I’m completely surprised, but when I think about it, that’s how Katherine operates. She does what she needs to do to keep her life moving along.”

  “Do you think you should approach her to confirm it was her?” Ava asks.

  “No. There are so many lies being told. Joan told me she never heard from her and Katherine told me she spoke to her. And when I think about the conversation with Ash, he did seem a little sketchy, like there was something else going on. Katherine flat out said she’d support me. She looked me straight in the eye and told me she spoke with them. Sera has zero motivation to lie to me and every motivation to tell me the truth. I believe her story.”

  “So you’re pissed.”

  “Damn straight, I’m pissed!” I say. “I have done so much for that woman. Yes, it’s my job and you could say I was just doing my job, but I have gone above and beyond what I should do in that job, and Katherine has told me that time and time again. So for her to sabotage my career, to betray me the way she did, hell, yeah, I’m pissed. Never been more pissed if you want to know the truth.”

  “Not even about Nick and that girl with the cosmo?” Ava asks warily.

  “Did you have to go there, Ava?” I ask. “Sure I’m pissed about Nick, but for some reason I feel, despite what I saw going on at Nobu, that there’s some reasonable explanation. Although I’m not even sure I’m entitled to one. And the main difference between the two is that I implicitly trust Nick. Well, I did. No, I still do. But I don’t trust Katherine. I might have thought I did, but when I think about what she did, I can’t say I’m all that surprised.”

  “Huh. Got it,” Ava says as the waiter sets down our edamame. “So, what do you want to do?”

  “I want to screw her over the way she’s screwing me over,” I say.

  “Are you sure, Lucy? I mean, don’t you think that’s a little harsh?”

  “No, Ava. I do not. Well I do think it’s harsh and if you try to talk me out of it, I might crumble, but don’t talk me out of it because I’m angry as hell and I want to knock her down a rung and pay her back for what she’s doing to me. Plus, I have a few other reasons why I’m willing to do this,” I say.

  “And they are . . . ?” Ava asks, waving an edamame shell.

  “Well, for one thing, she’s a complete fraud and she knows it. She even admitted that to me. And I think she’s doing a disservice to all those women out there who hang on her every word. These women are busting their asses trying to do it all, trying to be great at everything. They think it’s possible because Katherine Whitney goes on television and writes a book saying it is, and they believe her. These women want to believe they can do it all and do it all well. But, you know what I’ve learned over the past weeks?” I ask, getting more and more agitated.

  “What?”

  “I’ve learned that it’s impossible. That what Katherine is preaching is impossible and you want to know how I know that?” I ask, expectantly. Maybe a little crazily.

  “How?” Ava is starting to look worried that I might lose it.

  “Because for one thing there are not enough hours in the day to do your job really well, to bring up your kids really well, to handle your relationship really well, to take care of yourself really well, and then have time to actually sleep. And, also, and this will really get your goat,” I say speaking more rapidly, getting more excited. “Katherine herself, America’s fucking Darling of Balance, isn’t even doing it. She’s completely overwhelmed and miserable at work. She told me herself that her workload is insane. She has a nanny, soon-to-be two nannies, taking care of her children most of their waking hours, and her husband is fucking a redhead. She is, in her own words, a mess. So I feel it is my duty to save all the other women out there from killing themselves trying to do something that’s impossible. Because all they’re ultimately doing is making themselves feel terrible when they fail.”

  “Okay,” Ava says, slowly.

  “The other reason I want to do this is I feel like I would be doing Katherine a favor.”

  “How so?” Ava asks skeptically.

  “She told me the other day that she wishes someone would blow her cover,” I say, popping an edamame in my mouth.

  “Really?”

  “Well, no, not entirely. But she implied it. She said it wouldn’t be possible for her to blow the cover off herself. I think she secretly hopes someone else will.”

  “C’mon, Lucy. That’s ridiculous and you know it,” Ava says.

  “She said there are too many people invested in this whole facade of hers. That she’s too far down the road. Sounded to me like she wished someone would pull the plug on the operation and save her from herself,” I say.

  “Put her
out of her misery, so to speak?” Ava asks, grinning at me.

  “Exactly,” I say. I sit back in my chair, breathe deeply, and take a long slow sip of my beer.

  “Well, it sounds like you’ve made up your mind.”

  “I have. And please don’t try to discourage me.”

  “Me? Never. I’ll support you in anything you do, Luce. Well, almost anything.”

  “So what do we do from here?” I ask.

  Ava pulls out her phone and starts texting. I peer over the table.

  “What are you doing?” I ask.

  “Texting Daniel.”

  I drink my beer and sit quietly as Ava types and waits. Reads, types back, and waits. Reads, types back, and waits.

  “Okay, here’s the deal,” Ava says. “Daniel has already started writing the piece and he’s really excited that you’re going to give him the office perspective. He says you can be anonymous, and he wants to know if he can call you tonight.”

  “Yes,” I say.

  “What time can he call you?”

  “Jeez, Ava. I don’t know. But I’m so fired up about this that I just want to down this sushi, finish this beer, and go home to talk to him. How does that sound?” I ask.

  “Check!”

  Twenty minutes later I’m sitting on my bed, drinking a cup of terrible instant coffee, and staring at the phone in my hand. I’m waiting for Daniel to call.

  When the phone rings, I startle and spill a couple drops of coffee on my comforter.

  “This is Lucy,” I say.

  “Hi, Lucy. It’s Daniel,” he says.

  “Hi.”

  “Thanks so much for doing this.”

  “Yeah, and I’m starting to have second thoughts, so let’s do this before my conscience catches up with me. While I’m still feeling like this is the right thing to do.”