We Were Memories

by Brandi Aga

  “Preachin’ to the choir, sister,” I say in agreement. We sit there together on the couch staring at Roman and his stupid slide. “I’m just going to call him. This is dumb.”

  He picks up on the third ring. “Hey.” There’s a lot of background noise, and it’s hard to hear him.

  “Hey. What are you doing?”

  “Nothing, hangin’ at a buddy’s house.”

  “Oh. You’re done with the bike build today?”

  Roman yells something at someone in the background, but I can’t make out what he says, like he put his hand over the receiver. “Yeah, havin’ a beer.”

  “Okay … Well, I guess I’ll let you go then. Call me later?”

  “All right. Later.”

  “Bye.”

  I look over at Erin on the verge of tears. “This is such bullshit.” She lays her head on my shoulder and doesn’t say a word.

  What can she say?

  I can’t hide my crazy any longer. Not after that conversation.

  Me: I thought you said you were working today?

  Roman: ? I did work.

  Me: Oh. On a slide?

  Me: Saw the pics

  No response. I’m going to bed.

  I’ve been ridin’ for two days. Stopped off last night and got some shut-eye. I didn’t tell Leylah I was on my way. Honestly, I’m not sure how she would react if I did. She’s not my biggest fan right now. It’s been over a month since we’ve really talked. I know I’m a dick, but things have been hard lately with all this Armillio shit goin’ down. I can’t put her in harm’s way. Knowing me, talking to me, or having anything to do with me does exactly that.

  But fuck if I can’t stop goin’ in her direction. Hands on the handlebars and music in my ears.

  Soon as I pull in and shut the engine off, I look up to her apartment and the door swings open. I haven’t gotten off my bike yet, and she makes no move to greet me. I know she’s pissed, hurtin’ inside ’cause of what I’m doing to her. But what Armillio does… he ruins lives. He’d ruin hers too. He already is. Just look at us.

  Leylah looks beautiful in her tight black T-shirt with my daughter growin’ under it. She starts down the stairs at the same time as I sling my leg over my bike. Still tingling from ridin’ so long.

  “Hey, beautiful.” She stares back at me, searching for answers, no doubt. Answers for where I’ve been, what I’m doing.

  “I heard your bike, but I was just about to leave. Supposed to be meeting Erin.” She tries to be strong, but I can see right through it. I’m hurting my girl, and it kills me. She looks up at me, squintin’ from the sun in her eyes. I pull her closer to me, grabbing on to the holes in her shorts, lacin’ my fingers through the rips at her thighs. “Roman.”

  “Don’t, babe,” I say in warning. I take the risk and lean down to kiss her. She doesn’t fight me long before her lips are moving against mine. Her belly touches my stomach during our kiss, and I can feel the baby movin’. I put my hand to it, one last time. My baby girl kicks me, right where my hand is. I should be happy, but it’s just a reminder of all the havoc comin’. All the things I have to lose are standing right in front of me.

  She takes a step back like she’s about to run the hell away from me.

  If only she would, this wouldn’t be so hard.

  Standing over the bathroom sink, dry heaving, I feel like I might faint. I was getting ready to meet Erin for dinner when I heard Roman’s bike outside. I know that bike. Knew it as soon as it turned into the parking lot. Surprised the hell out of me when I opened the door, and there he sat. Scruffy, dirty, dark circles under his eyes—he’s not my Roman I saw a few months ago. This Roman looks haunted, hurt all the way down to his soul.

  Now I’m hiding out in my bathroom. I told Erin I would be a little late to dinner, and she said to just bring him along. I don’t know if I’m ready to face him just yet, especially in public, not after he practically abandoned me and our daughter with nothing more than a text message.

  There’s a quiet rap of his rings knocking against the door. That sound, his rings on his pretty fingers… I could puke. “Leylah.”

  “Yeah?” I answer, trying to steady my voice so he doesn’t know how shaken I am.

  “You okay?” I don’t say anything. He tries to open the door, but it’s locked. “Leylah, let me in.”

  I flip the lock, and he pushes right in. He stands behind me, matching my stare in the mirror. His large frame crowds the small space, and I feel like I can’t breathe.

  “You hungry?” he asks.

  I nod, and he walks into the living room.

  “Where're your keys?” He’s looking around the living room, inspecting it, for what, I don’t know. “Probably shouldn’t take the bike,” he says with a grin on his face, nodding toward my belly.

  I walk over to the bar behind him, feeling his stare on me, and dig my keys out of my purse. It’s going to be a long night.

  On the way to dinner, Erin sent me a text saying she was going to sit this one out and let us have our alone time. I could kill her for bailing on me, but she’s probably got a point. This is something we should do in private.

  I’m not trying to be a huge bitch. I love this man sitting in front of me, but I can’t begin to describe what’s happening or how it got to this point.

  “I miss you,” I say. I’m slowly softening, trying to get a feel for what he’s doing here.

  “I miss you, babe. More than you know.” He looks away, everywhere but at me.

  “Then what’s going on? Why the silent treatment? You’ve been avoiding my phone calls, and I haven’t seen you in such a long time. Now you just show up here unannounced and everything’s supposed to be okay?” He takes a sip of his beer and leans back in the booth. He’s still quiet, so I continue. “This is exactly what I freaked out about when I was told I couldn’t fly anymore. I should have just fucking done it anyway.”

  “It has nothing to do with you not flying, Leylah.”

  “Bullshit it doesn’t!” My voice hitches, louder than it should in the middle of a restaurant.

  Roman runs his hand across his beard. “Just trust me, okay? Even if you don’t like it.”

  I’m so frustrated. “Trust you? For what? You lied to me and won’t even talk to me half the time. I feel like I’m bothering you when I keep sending text after text and get nothing from you in response. Our baby isn’t even born yet. How am I supposed to do this with you if you won’t even give me something now?”

  “I didn’t lie, Leylah. Why are you checkin’ up on me anyway? I haven’t done shit wrong. You know I love you and that baby.”

  “Do I?” It’s a low blow and I know it, but I say it anyway.

  Roman snorts. “You fuckin’ should. I didn’t lie to you. I did work. I worked with my buddy on his bike at his house. He didn’t tell me before that he was having a party later, invited me to stay.”

  “And that would have been so hard to tell me? Instead you just say you’re working all the time! That’s all I get from you, Roman.”

  “You’re pissed off ’cause of a picture of me on Facebook, you realize that, right?”

  “It’s not just a picture to me.”

  “Okay, it won’t happen again.”

  Our waiter brings our food, and I don’t even know if I can eat at this point.

  After dinner, Roman brought me back to the apartment. I didn’t even ask if he was staying or not. Walked right in the house, straight to my bedroom, took my clothes off, and got in bed. I guess he got the point, seeing as he followed me in.

  He doesn’t get under the covers yet, though. He’s still lying on top, fully clothed.

  I look over at the clock shining brightly in the dark. We’ve been talking for two hours, about the baby, Blaze, Woodzy, just life. The more we talk, the more my heart thaws out. God, I missed him so much.

  He leans over and kisses me in a deep, slow kiss—hands in the hair with tongue down the throat kind of kiss. He pulls me over on top of him e
ffortlessly, but I don’t like it, not with this belly in the way. “You’re beautiful. Let me look.” I’m completely naked and thirtysomething pounds heavier, sitting on his chest. I feel vulnerable, but he won’t let me pull away. “Look at you. How perfect you are.” He rubs his hands up and down my thighs, making me shiver. I lean down and kiss him, urging him on. He holds us both up as he pulls his pants down with the other hand, trying not to break our kiss.

  I admire him for that, loving me and making me feel like the prettiest girl in the world, even when I feel like a beached whale.

  He whispers in my ear, “Let me love you, babe.”

  And he does.

  It’s not rushed or angry. Just… special.

  The next morning, Roman’s alarm goes off at 10:55 a.m. I really need to pee, so I give him a quick shove to turn off the alarm and climb over him to go to the bathroom. When I come out, he’s sitting on the edge of the bed putting his T-shirt back on and lacing up his boots. I stop dead in my tracks and lean against the doorframe. “Going somewhere?”

  He pauses before continuing to lace his other boot. “Gotta get back to the shop. Takes a couple days on the road. I shoulda flown, but I had to make a couple stops before I left.” He leans back on his elbows on the bed. “I’m sorry I couldn’t stay longer. Come here.” He stretches his arm out, reaching for me. I don’t want to. I don’t want to do anything but keep him here forever. I walk over to the bed and stand between his legs. He sits up and wraps his arms around my ass, looking up at me with those haunted eyes.

  “I love you,” I say, feeling weak. I can’t stay mad at him with him looking at me like that.

  “I know.” Smiling that cocky smile, he stands up, and we hug for a long time.

  If he’s just going home for work, why does this feel like goodbye?

  “Where?”

  “Phoenix, boss.” Fuck. Blaze brought me some more news about Armillio. Sat and watched him for two hours the other night. Could’ve took him out right then and there, but Blaze was with me, and I’m not gonna put that on him. Armillio’s all mine.

  He’s movin’ all over the place, unpredictable. We followed him when we got word how close he was to the border. How close he was to her.

  After seeing Leylah this last time, I absolutely know what I gotta do to end all of this. I’m obsessed over it. I eat, breathe, and sleep justice for what that fucker did to my baby sister, and I will end him. It’s like having Leylah, someone I care about so much, has brought back all those feelings from when it first happened. It’s getting closer; it just has to be perfect. I can’t risk it, not this time.

  Leylah’s havin’ the baby next month, and that changes everything. Risks are even higher. I haven’t been to see her, and I know she’s tired. So am I. But it’ll all be over soon.

  “Yo, you good?” I didn’t hear Blaze walk out and back in. I feel guilty as hell lying to my brother too. This whole thing’s got me fucked up.

  “Yeah. Got anything else on the husband?” I can’t bring myself to say his name.

  “Nah. Nothing else since they signed divorce papers. Looked at his phone records. Nothing outta the ordinary.”

  “Does he talk to her?” I feel like a pussy asking, but Blaze doesn’t call me out on it. I close my eyes, afraid to know the truth. “Just tell me, man.”

  “He texts her sometimes. They go back and forth.” I look over at him, scratching his head, lookin’ awkward as hell for having to have this conversation with me.

  “Sometimes? That’s all you got?”

  “I mean, I could get the texts if you want them bad enough. It’s not consistent. Couple times every few days maybe.”

  I nod. “All right, thanks. Don’t worry about the texts.”

  Everything is falling into place, slowly but surely.

  I’m dizzy and keep getting these blinding pains in my back. If I wasn’t already sitting, I would definitely have to. I pull over in the mall parking lot and take a few deep breaths. Shit, it hurts, and I’m not so sure I can make the drive to the hospital on my own with it being another forty-five minutes away. Shit, shit, shit.

  Erin is supposed to be on baby duty, but she’s out on a date, and I don’t want to call her yet. I know how long labor can be. Some babies are stubborn. I don’t want to call off her date if this is going to take a while.

  That leaves Ryan, and I feel like the biggest jackass calling him, but you gotta do what you gotta do. The line keeps ringing, but I let it go a few more times just in case, and by the grace of the phone gods, he answers.

  “Hey,” he says, out of breath, “I was just coming out of the gym. Almost missed you.”

  “Ryan, I’m sorry to call you, but I think I’m in labor, and I need your help. Erin’s out, and I could really use a ride.”

  “What? Are you at home? I can be there in about fifteen minutes.”

  “No, I was on the way home, and I started having pains. I got dizzy, so I pulled over at the mall. I’m at the main entrance facing Parker Road.”

  “Even closer. I’ll be there in a few.”

  It feels like a lifetime has passed when I see his truck turn down the entrance to the parking lot. I’m out of the car and walking toward him before he can even put it in park. He hops out and opens the passenger door for me. I don’t know if it’s because a human being is threatening to come out of me or if I’m just having an off day, but I’m hit with a huge wave of emotions that I don’t know what to do with.

  “You okay? Come on, I got you.” I’m guessing he’s sensing my fragile state of mind by the look on my face. He’s being weirdly calm and sensible about this whole situation. “Which hospital?” He looks over at me, and I swear I just want to jump out on the interstate. This man used to be mine, and I ruined everything.

  “Baylor. It’s far.”

  He reaches over, grabs my hand, and kisses my knuckles. “I’ll get you there, you trust me?”

  “I trust you.” It’s extremely intimate, and I force myself to look away before I completely lose it. It feels like we’ve been driving for hours, even though he keeps telling me we’re almost there. We’re ten minutes out, and I’m trying not to puke all over his truck.

  “Where’s Roman?” The million-dollar question. I’m embarrassed to tell the truth, that I don’t know, that he’s a thousand miles away not giving a shit about me or his daughter. So, I say nothing, and I’m pretty sure that answers everything.

  Thirteen hours. Thirteen long, scary, unmedicated hours. That’s how long it took me to bring my beautiful 6lb 7oz baby girl, Maddilyn, into this world. Through the hand squeezing, the crying, the attitude, and all, Ryan never once left my side. He pushed me through it when all I wanted to do was quit. Erin stood right there with him after we finally got ahold of her. The two of them took turns bearing the brunt of everything I threw at them.

  The nurses got us moved and settled into my private recovery room, and Ryan’s still crashed on the pull-out couch. I decided to take advantage of the quiet when the nurses whisked Maddilyn away to the nursery to get cleaned up and chart all her vitals, and take a nap. Whatever they put in my IV is working nicely, and for a moment, I’m about to forget about the pain—the pain of the last twenty-four hours, the pain of the last year. All of it.

  I close my eyes and drift off to sleep, but the feeling is only temporary. When I wake up, the pain comes rushing back. He’s not asleep on the couch anymore. He’s gone, and I’m completely alone.

  The door slowly opens, and Erin pokes her head around the door. “Are you awake?” she whisper-yells in questioning.

  I grin and nod.

  Erin tiptoes over to the bed, and I scoot over so she can sit next to me. Her arms go around me. “I’m so sorry I left you alone last night. I’m pissed I let you talk me into leaving the house.”

  I laugh. “Shut up. I should be pissed at you. I called Ryan.”

  She groans.

  “You know I’m kidding. You were on a date. You came straight after and I’ll love
you forever for it. Thank you.”

  “Leylah! Look at her!”

  I was admiring my baby, all sprawled out on my lap when Erin came in. “I know, it’s so surreal. Touching her, smelling her. I waited so long, and it’s actually happening. It still feels like a dream.” We’re both leaned over Maddilyn like we’ve never seen a tiny human before. Erin’s inspecting each one of her toes, and we can’t stop grinning like idiots.

  “So, Ryan. He brought you here?” She waggles her eyebrows.

  I throw a hand over my face, embarrassed. “Yes! He saw everything. I’m still impressed with how mean I can get. I wanted to slap myself a few times. Things got dark in here long before you showed up. Murder dark.”

  We share belly laughs that have my insides hurting, and then it gets quiet. I love that about her. We can sit and laugh, talk shit, but the silence—she gets me, gets when I need it and when I don’t.

  “She’s beautiful. I’m so happy for you.”

  I’m happy too. I just wish her daddy was here with us.

  Spending Christmas alone with Erin and a newborn baby is not exactly how I pictured this would happen. She’s away from her family too, but we’re making the best of it. Erin is cooking all the food today, and I couldn’t love her more for it. I haven’t slept much since we’ve been home from the hospital. Eat, feed baby, change baby, rock baby to sleep, and repeat.

  “You should invite him over, Ley. You know he’s not seeing anyone.”

  “No, I don’t know that. Thank you very much.”

  She scoffs so loud it can be heard over the mashed potato mixer. I ignore her and roll my eyes right back.

  “Just text him. You know you’re going to end up doing it anyway.”

  Sighhh. She’s right, and I feel bad that he’s alone on Christmas too. We haven’t spoken much since Maddy was born, but it’s our first real Christmas apart. If he really is alone, I mean. I guess I can find out.