We Were Memories

by Brandi Aga

  Me: Hey… you up for some Christmas food?

  Me: Don’t worry… Erin’s cooking… not me. Lol

  Ryan: Really?

  Me: Sure. If you don’t have plans. There’s plenty…

  Ryan: Cool. Do I have time to take a shower? Just got home from the gym.

  Me: You went to the gym on Christmas? Lame.

  Ryan: Lol. Be there in 30.

  Since it’s Christmas, I feel like I should text Roman. I don’t know if I’ll hear from him, but at least I won’t be the one to not speak on a holiday. I don’t tell Erin, though; she’d lecture me up this street and down the other if she even knew how much Roman still consumes my thoughts.

  Think about it, the one person you give up everything for falls in love with you and throws a brick wall up in your face with no warning. It’s hard to let go with no explanation, only little bits here and there. The sad thing is, I’d rather have those little bits back than nothing at all.

  Me: Merry Christmas.

  Maddy starts crying. She must be hungry. I put my phone away for now; it’s Christmas, after all. I refuse to spend the day obsessing over him when he doesn’t want me. I’m going to try to live in the present and enjoy the day with the ones who actually want to spend it with me.

  I tried my best to clean up and look presentable. Baby puke and pajamas aren’t exactly festive. I threw on a red plaid sweater and black leather leggings. No shoes. Not getting that fancy.

  Once I get Maddy settled, I lay her in her swing to nap and help Erin in the kitchen. I’m no chef, everybody knows this, and I try to stay out of her way, but pulling rolls out of the oven seems like an easy task. I managed not to burn them so I’m kind of feeling like Chef Emeril. I take a chance and press my luck with the sweet potato casserole and put the marshmallows on top like Erin instructed, while she gets changed into something more appropriate for our company coming over.

  There’s a knock at the door at the same time the oven starts beeping. Shit.

  “Come in!” I yell, flustered. This is why I don’t cook.

  Ryan walks around the bar looking amused. “I thought you said Erin was cooking?” He laughs, and it makes me laugh too. I’ve got a million things going at once, and I only know how to do one of them. Maybe two.

  “Here, let me get it.” Ryan takes the pot holders and gets the pans out of the oven.

  “Thanks.” He smiles back at my response, knowingly. “No, I still don’t cook.”

  He stands there next to me, and I’m suddenly feeling like this is too much. I couldn’t even share a lunch with him before, but then he was thrown into the birth of my daughter, and now he’s here, spending Christmas with me.

  Maddy chooses that exact moment to start fussing. I’m thankful for the distraction. Erin walks down the hall at all the commotion. I widen my eyes at her, signaling for help. She looks into the kitchen and understands my plea.

  “Hey, Ryan. Merry Christmas.” They hug and carry on small talk while Erin cleans up my mess in the kitchen. I can’t hear a word they’re saying. Can’t hear anything except my anxiety. And Maddy. I pick her up and look around for her bottle, not sure where I left it. Did I mention I haven’t slept much lately?

  “Need some help?” Ryan asks, sneaking up behind me and grabbing me by the arm.

  “Um, yeah. I can’t find her bottle…” I pick her blanket up off the floor and look under it for the damn bottle. “Will you look beside my bed? On the nightstand?” Maddy’s crying so loud, and I’m flustered from Ryan and the way he still makes me feel with such a simple touch. I’m going to lose my shit in 2.5 seconds.

  Ryan walks back down the hall and straight into the kitchen. I follow with a cranky baby. He’s putting a new liner in her bottle and my heart melts a little, seeing this side of him that I’ve never got to see before.

  “Here you go, Ley,” he says, handing me the bottle.

  “Thanks.” I’m in a trance. Ryan, my ex-husband, is in my kitchen helping me feed my baby. This is so fucked up.

  “I hope y’all are hungry!” Erin says, clapping her hands. She carries bowls out to the bar for us to eat buffet style.

  “Starved,” Ryan says, looking at me.

  “Want me to feed her so you can eat?” Erin asks.

  “No, I’m fine. Eat.” I wave her off. She busted her ass all morning cooking; she should be the first one to eat. Ryan sits down next to her, and I take the opportunity to get my plate. I never thought I’d be able to do so many things one handed until I became a mom. Now, I feel like I could take over the world with just a few fingers if I had to.

  Joining them makes me happy. Seeing the four of us around the same small circle together on such an important day means a lot to me. “Thanks for coming, Ryan.”

  He takes his last big bite of turkey. “Thanks for the invite. And for cooking.” With a wink at Erin, he stands up and clears the table as we all finish.

  Erin goes to take a nap, she ate herself straight into a turkey coma, which leaves me alone with Ryan.

  “How are you, Ley?”

  “I’m fine. Tired.”

  He clears his throat. “No, Leylah. I mean how are you really?”

  I glance over at him sitting on the couch, legs sprawled out in his fancy jeans and cowboy boots. He looks back at me with hooded eyes, full of questions and curiosity. Neither one of us know how to do this, step around these invisible boundaries without hurting each other in the process.

  I know what he means. He’s asking about Roman without directly asking.

  I tell him the truth. “I don’t know.”

  “You don’t know.” It’s not a question.

  I laugh, not because it’s funny, but because it’s like my life is one continuous joke. One big mistake after another being repeatedly thrown into my face. “I don’t know. We don’t talk.”

  Ryan sits forward and puts his elbows on his knees, his hands in a fist, covering his mouth. “You know, I was married to you for a long time, Ley. I know when you’re hurting.”

  I shake my head. “You don’t know anything about it, Ryan.”

  “No?” He cocks his head. “Who was there when you gave birth to that baby girl?” he asks, nodding in Maddilyn’s direction. “And who the fuck came over to spend Christmas with his ex-wife just because he didn’t want her to spend it alone?”

  Guilt hits me like a wet blanket.

  “That’s right, Leylah. I did. So don’t sit there and tell me I don’t know a damn thing about it. If I’m way off, fucking tell me, ’cause I’m trying here.”

  I stand up, frustrated. “You want to know? Okay, here goes… Since I couldn’t fly out, Roman came to see me one time. And you know what he did? He told me to fucking trust him. So, what do I do? I spend the rest of my pregnancy here alone. Holding out hope that he’ll text me tomorrow or the next day or the next. And then he does, and it’s all but two words. He hasn’t even seen his daughter.” I’m so worked up in my rant that I don’t realize I’m yelling and crying.

  Somehow, by the grace of God, I don’t wake the baby. Ryan’s on his feet, shushing me. It feels like it used to feel.

  It feels like home.

  I catch my breath and force myself to calm down. I’m embarrassed that I just spilled the last year of my life to him. “I’m sorry, you didn’t deserve all that. I know I brought all of this on all on my own, way before it ever got started.”

  There. I admitted it. That’s a start.

  He doesn’t say anything else. We just stand there in the middle of the living room, holding each other.

  After the fiasco at Christmas, I’ve been trying to put as much space between me and Ryan as possible. It’s not easy though when he keeps doing nice things for me. I’m not sure what you call what happened that day, but it took a toll on everyone. I know it wasn’t fair for me to lay all of that on him; hell, he shouldn’t have even come in the first place.

  It’s New Year’s Day. Erin and I are buying fireworks at a local fireworks stand at the fa
rmer’s market. Usually, they close on major holidays, but today, they have a large selection of independent shops set up like trade days.

  There’s a chill in the air that makes it just cold enough for a long-sleeve shirt but a jacket is slightly too warm. It’s the worst. I wish it would snow.

  Maddy is bundled up, sleeping and strapped to my chest. Inconveniently, my phone starts ringing as soon as I have my arms full of shopping bags. I hand the majority of them off to Erin and dig my phone out of my backpack I carry the baby stuff in.

  It’s Roman. FaceTime calling.

  “Hey,” I answer. I don’t have much else to say besides a ton of words I can’t say here in public.

  “Sup,” he responds nonchalantly, like there’s not this huge elephant in the room. Like he didn’t completely skip out on the birth of his daughter, or how he abandoned her mother way before that. I’m grateful that I cleaned up today, so I don’t have to face him looking like a complete drag.

  I’m lame, so I reply by holding up my hand full of sparklers we just bought. “Getting fireworks for tonight with Erin.” I’ve stopped moving the sway that lulled Maddy to sleep, which causes her to stir.

  “Cool. Got any big plans?”

  I lean down to pick up the rest of the bags Erin didn’t take with her. “Just a party at the house, nothing big.”

  His eyebrows are knitted together like he wants to say something else, but he doesn’t. Maddy is getting squirmier the longer time passes. It’s awkward because he hasn’t even acknowledged her. He looks away and over his phone, like someone’s talking to him from the other side. “Sorry, guys are heading out.”

  I don’t say anything. I bite my lip and look around for Erin. She must have walked back to the car. This is painful.

  “Leylah.” I don’t have the guts to answer him, so I raise my eyebrows and wait for his response. “I do miss you.”

  “Right. Well, can we talk later? I have my hands full right now. Literally.” Be strong, be strong, be strong.

  “All right. I may not be able to catch ya. Gonna ride later, but… be safe.”

  “You too.” I hang up and squat down right there in the middle of the market. I balance myself with one hand plastered to the concrete, the other on Maddy. I take a few deep breaths, and for once, I don’t shed a tear for Roman.

  “It was the weirdest thing.” I ended up waiting until we got back to the apartment to tell her about our little phone chat. I wasn’t going to tell her at all, but you know me. I couldn’t hold this in.

  “You cannot talk to him again, Leylah.”

  “He’s Maddilyn’s dad. It’s not just me. What am I supposed to do?”

  “So fucking what! He hasn’t even met her. That’s not a dad. You ought to be getting child support from his ass!” Sighing, I regret getting her all riled up. I force myself to end the conversation there and go on to bed. I’m not going to argue with her over Roman. No one is ever going to understand him. Myself included.

  I can’t get her out of my head. I don’t know what I was thinkin’ hitting her up through FaceTime. She’s still as beautiful as ever. Had our baby girl sleepin’ on her chest. Took all I had in me not to get on the next flight out.

  But I can’t do that. All of this would be for nothing.

  I’ve been working all day; it’s late as hell, but I’ve got one more stop to make before I head to the house.

  I leave my bike at the shop, wanna lay low and not call any extra attention to myself than necessary. Pulling up to the club, I park in the back far corner so I can scope out the area before I go in, see what kind of scumbags we’re dealing with tonight.

  At the door, security is no joke. I hesitate. This could ruin everything if Armillio’s guys catch wind of who I am. Not ready for that just yet. But fuck it, I’m feelin’ lucky.

  When I walk inside, I’m not gonna lie, I’m impressed—for what it is. Armillio knows his shit. But what can I say, when you sell humans for fuckloads of money and have more than you can spend in this lifetime, you have nice establishments for the sick fucks just like you.

  I take a left where I’m obviously not supposed to be, but no one notices. Every girl has their own room from the looks of it, containing a small bed with a connected bathroom, not many personal belongings. It’s not as nice as the main area back here, and it smells like a whorehouse.

  “Excuse me? Can I help you find something?” A sad, used-up lookin’ woman, probably in her early twenties, steps out of a room down the hall. Her bleached-blonde hair and big fake tits tell me I can probably handle her without even causing a scene.

  “Yeah, I think you can. What’s your name, babe?”

  She twirls her hair on her stupid fuckin’ finger. “Meka. You?”

  “Meka. Right. Can we go somewhere? I’ve never been here before, not sure how it all works. Maybe you could show me.”

  She looks over her shoulder like she has somewhere else to be, but the risk doesn’t outweigh her need to get what she wants.

  She takes hold of my hand and leads me back through the main room to a private one that looks much like a small hotel room. She lays out four lines of what looks like cocaine on the table. She snorts two of ’em and looks to me. I’m assuming I’m gonna be snortin’ the rest. I don’t wanna throw up any suspicions, so I do the same. There’s a tiny bit of residue left on the table where she made the first lines. She cleans it up and manages to make another line out of it.

  She thinks she’s cute, but she has coke nose.

  Fuckin’ nasty bitch.

  There’s a small minibar full of liquor. Choosing my favorite man, Jack, I pour us both a shot. It burns goin’ down, following the burn in my nose from the drugs. It’s been so long since I’ve dabbled in this shit.

  I put my poker face back on and have a seat on the leather couch. The room is bright, and it’s hot, makin’ me sweat. Or maybe that’s the cocaine. She hits a button on the wall and takes her top off. Nine Inch Nails blares through the speakers, and Meka starts pulling the rest of her clothes off. I don’t even care what’s there. My thoughts go straight to Leylah. Her round tits fit perfectly in my hands.

  This bitch is climbing on my lap, pushin’ her tits in my face. “Turn around,” I bite out, not even trying to sound the least bit nice. But who am I kiddin’? These girls don’t care anything about nice. They just want their drugs and will happily do whatever it takes to get them.

  She turns around and leans her back against my chest, feet propped up on the couch on both sides of me. Running her hand down her chest and stomach, she keeps going past her pussy straight to my cock below her. As soon as she touches me, I grab her wrist and push her off me. “You wanna get outta here? Make something of yourself? Instead of suckin’ dick the rest of your life? Only a matter of time before they’re done with you. Ship you off somewhere else. Kill you…” She stares at me wide-eyed, chest heaving up and down. The cocky little temptress act is long gone.

  “I’m not gonna hurt you, not like these motherfuckers do every day,” I reassure, her, waving my hand around the room, motioning to this hellhole she calls home. She makes no move to get up. I hold my hand out, trying to earn some trust. Reluctantly, she takes it. She’s shaky on her feet, a combination of the drugs, alcohol, and adrenaline. Being scared shitless will do that to ya. “You like what you do here?” I ask.

  She shakes her head no. “Who are you exactly?” she manages to whisper past her trembling lips.

  “I’m gonna need a favor first.”

  “I need a favor.” I cringe as I ask this because I know how she’s going to react. She just walked through the door from work, and she’s tired. Best chance is to face my fears and ask her while she’s weak.

  She untucks her shirt and throws her keys over to the bar. The loud thump makes Maddy jolt. “Sorry,” she whispers. I got home from work an hour earlier. The baby was out like a light when I came in. Since I started back to work this month, I found a girl fresh out of college, Sidney, to help me out on the d
ays I work. Lexie pointed me in her direction, and I feel so blessed to have found someone who’s so good with her so I could bypass daycare.

  “What favor?” She sips her peach-flavored wine cooler she grabbed out of the fridge and sprawls out on the couch.

  “I was wondering if you would mind watching Cloud for a day or two? Just change her food and water. Maybe tell her how pretty she is every now and then?” I smile, trying to make light of what I’m asking. She is not amused.

  “Where are you going?”

  I switch arms and lay Maddy over my shoulder, patting her little footie-pajama-covered butt.

  “Newport.”

  “What! You’re fucking kidding me, right?”

  “Erin, you have to understand. And I’m sorry if you don’t. I have to go there and figure out what the hell is going on. If anything, it’ll give me the closure I need to move on. Just when my heart finally stops feeling like it’s being stabbed repeatedly, he calls or texts, and it starts all over again. I can’t just sit around here every day wondering.”

  She shakes her head in disapproval and stalks off to her bedroom. She shuts the door but yells out a second later. “Fine, I’ll watch your damn cat!”

  I smile. She took that much better than I expected.

  After spending an ungodly amount of time getting a rental car and a hotel just in case, I finally get it sorted out. No one ever told me everything takes ten times longer with a baby in tow, but I’m quickly learning. The car rental attendant sends someone out to help me latch the car seat, and thank goodness because I’m exhausted. I forgot to bring the baby wrap, so I can’t wear her, and I don’t have enough hands. I almost contemplate going to the hotel and doing this tomorrow, but if I don’t do it now, I might not be able to.

  Everything is in the car, and Maddy is still sleeping, even through all the ruckus at the airport. Taking a few deep breaths, I pull out of the parking lot and hit the highway to figure out our future.