The Cost of Love

by Parke, Nerika

  “Damn, you feel good,” he said, nuzzling his face into her neck and pushing the dress from her shoulders.

  Charlotte had been afraid she would feel self-conscious, but thoughts of what she looked like or what Jason would think of her were nowhere near her mind. As her dress slid to the floor, all she could do was feel his hands on her, his skin under her lips, his breath on her body. She’d never wanted anything as much as she wanted him on her.

  He stepped back, his heated gaze sliding down her body encased only in the black, lacy lingerie she’d bought earlier in the day. Then he lifted her into his arms, wrapping her legs around his waist, and lowered her onto the bed beneath him.

  “You have the most amazing skin,” he murmured, his mouth making its way down her chest.

  Her breathing deepened as each tiny kiss buzzed into her, setting her on fire.

  Through the fog of arousal, it all suddenly became real. This was happening. They were about to make love.

  She had to tell him now, before they went any further.

  “Jason?” His name came out as a moan.

  “Mm hmm?”

  “I need to tell you something.”

  His lips reached her bra and he pushed one hand beneath her, feeling for the clasp. “Mm hmm?”

  “Don’t freak out.”

  To her intense disappointment, he stopped everything he was doing and raised his head to look at her. Maybe she should have chosen her words better.

  He moved up to lie next to her, propping himself up on one elbow to look down at her as he caressed her face with his hand. “What’s wrong?”

  From the look in his eyes, she could almost believe what was between them was real, that he cared for her. It was a stupid idea, she knew, but the fantasy was worth it, just to pretend that he loved her the same way she loved him.

  She touched her hand to his face. “I need to tell you why I wanted it to be you.”

  His brow furrowed ever so slightly. “Why you wanted what to be me?”

  Tears were suddenly burning at her eyes. “I trust you. You make me feel safe and happy and like I can do anything and I’ve never felt that with anyone else before. So I want it to be you.” She dropped her gaze, afraid to see his reaction. “I want my first time to be with you.”

  Jason froze. Charlotte couldn’t even feel him breathing. She looked up to see his eyes wide.

  “You’re... you’ve never...?”

  She shook her head.

  A look of panic gripped his features. He sat up abruptly, turning away from her and pulling his knees up to his chest. One hand ran over his hair.

  Charlotte sat up, her heart clenching. “Jason?”

  He turned to face her, grasping her hands. “It shouldn’t be like this,” he said, his voice filled with urgency. “You’re too good for this. The first time you make love it should be with someone you love and who loves you. Someone you can imagine spending the rest of your life with. Someone who means everything to you. It shouldn’t be with someone who was bought.” He let go and turned away. “You deserve so much more than a whore like me.”

  Charlotte watched in shock as he stood and grabbed his clothes.

  “Please don’t leave,” she whispered.

  He glanced back at her. “I’m sorry.”

  A few seconds after he’d left the room, the front door opened and closed, then a car drove away.

  For a while Charlotte stared at the bedroom door in shock.

  Then she broke down into tears.

  _ _ _

  After leaving Charlotte, Jason drove around for over an hour before he went home. A couple of times he almost went back to her.

  He had no idea what he was doing. His emotions were in freefall. He’d never been in love before. Oh, there were a couple of times when he’d thought he was, back in university, but he had never felt like this. Charlotte hadn’t just sneaked into his heart, she’d marched up to it, split it wide open and wrapped herself in it like a cocoon. Or a pink fluffy dressing gown.

  He smiled at the thought. What he wouldn’t give to hold her, cuddled up in that dressing gown, nestled against him.

  The smile melted from his face. But that wasn’t going to happen. He wouldn’t ever see Charlotte again. Couldn’t. It was too complicated. And it was far too painful, being with her and knowing she couldn’t be his.

  The way she’d felt in his arms, her skin pressed against his, her hands on his body, it was so much more than he’d felt in a long time. He wanted to go back to when being inside a woman meant something. And he knew that being inside Charlotte would mean everything.

  But it was too much to deal with. He had responsibilities. What he wanted was no longer the most important thing to him. What had he been thinking, letting things get that far?

  But never seeing her face again, never holding her hand, kissing her lips, hearing her laugh, holding her in his arms... it felt like dying, like his heart was being ripped from his chest.

  What had happened to him? He’d known this woman five days and she’d turned his world upside down.

  What was he supposed to do?

  “How’d it go on your last date?”

  Jason dropped onto the sofa, lowering his head into his hands. He drew in a shuddering breath. “I have no idea what to do.”

  Rob closed his laptop. “About what? What happened?”

  “She wanted to make love.”

  “Isn’t that what you wanted? Why do you look like someone just died?”

  He sighed. “We were on her bed, about to, you know, and she told me it was her first time.”

  Rob’s eyes widened. “You mean she’s...?”

  Jason nodded.

  “What did you do?”

  He sighed again. “I left.”

  “You what?”

  “I told her her first time should be special, with someone she loved. Then I left.”

  “You idiot! Why on earth did you do that?”

  Jason grabbed a cushion and buried his face in it, groaning. “I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. And I didn’t trust myself to not make love to her if I stayed. I swear I haven’t ever wanted another woman the way I want her.”

  “Why didn’t you just tell her how you feel?”

  Jason lifted his head to stare at his brother. “Are you kidding me? How could I do that? Women pay me to have sex with them. How could I possibly expect her to want to be with me? She deserves better than that.”

  Rob was silent for a while before speaking again. “What I’m about to say will never go beyond this room, and if you ever tell anyone else I said it, I will deny it to the grave and never speak to you again.” He huffed out a breath. “Jason, you are the strongest man I know and I am amazed every day at what you’ve done these past three years, the way you’ve given up everything to do what you needed to. I can’t imagine anyone else doing that and I’m proud to be your brother. I can’t imagine any man on earth Charlotte deserves more than you. There could be no better man for her or any other woman. You deserve to be happy. She makes you happy, so don’t let her go without even trying. If she’s everything you say she is, you‘ll find a way.”

  He lapsed into silence and stared at the TV, which was off.

  Jason stared at his brother in astonishment, not knowing what to say.

  A noise from behind the white door was followed by a small voice. “Daddy?”

  Jason stood, blinking a few times before wiping at his eyes. He walked around the back of the sofa, leaned down and kissed the top of Rob’s head.

  “I love you too, little brother,” he said.

  Rob waved him away. “Stop it, you wuss.”

  Chuckling, Jason headed for the white door.

  DAY 6

  Charlotte peered through the spyhole in the front door and gasped.

  She stepped back, wiping frantically at her wet eyes, then made the mistake of looking in the mirror. No make-up, her eyes red and puffy from all the crying she’d been doing since the night before. It wa
sn’t a pretty sight. She looked down at the blue velour trousers and white t-shirt she had thrown on.

  It was at that point she began to consider that throwing herself on her sword would be preferable to being seen as she was. Except she didn’t have a sword.

  The knock sounded again. Heaving a resigned sigh, she opened the door.

  Jason drew in a breath when he saw her. He, of course, looked like he’d just stepped from a photoshoot for World’s Sexiest Men Digest.

  “Sorry,” she said, looking down, “I wasn’t expecting anyone.”

  “You’ve been crying,” he said softly.

  She shrugged and didn’t say anything.

  “Because of last night?”

  Tears burned at the back of her eyes again and she looked away.

  He reached one hand towards her. “I’m sorry. Charlie, please don’t...”

  She pulled the collar of her t-shirt up, using it to wipe her eyes, but stopping short of blowing her nose on it. She needed to maintain some tiny amount of decorum.

  “Why are you here?”

  His arm dropped back down. “I wanted to introduce you to someone, but if you don’t feel up to it...”

  She bit her lip and looked up at him. He looked nervous. Scared, even. She was so used to his unwavering self-assurance that it was like looking at a different man. Her gaze went to the car parked on the road behind him. Someone moved inside.

  He had come back. That was something, wasn’t it?

  “I’m okay,” she said.

  Jason beckoned to whoever was in the car. “Thank you for not telling me to get lost,” he said, turning back. “After how stupid I was last night, you’d have every right to.”

  Her reply caught in her throat as she watched a man lead a little girl in a pink dress towards them. The girl let go of the man’s hand to run to Jason and he picked her up as if it was the most natural thing in the world, settling her onto his hip. She fastened her dark blue eyes on Charlotte then pressed her face into Jason’s jacket.

  “Charlie,” he said, “I’d like you to meet my daughter, Trina.”

  To say she was stunned would have been a vast understatement. He’d never once even hinted he had a daughter. Why was he bringing her to meet Charlotte? Where was the little girl’s mother? Charlotte’s stomach dropped as a terrible thought came to her; was Jason married?

  She looked at him for clues, but all his expression betrayed as he gazed at the little girl was a deep love. Charlotte tried not to allow the thousand different emotions whirling around in her head to show on her face.

  “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Trina,” she said. “I like your dress. It’s so pretty.”

  Trina twisted her face so she could look at Charlotte while still staying pressed against her father and gave a shy smile.

  “Pink’s my favourite,” she said.

  Charlotte smiled. “Mine too.”

  Jason glanced at the man standing behind them. “And this is my brother, Rob.”

  If she hadn’t been so shocked by the whole thing, Charlotte would have guessed at the relationship. Rob shared Jason’s dark blond hair, blue eyes and good looks. They were a pair of heartbreakers. But only one of them had broken hers.

  “It’s nice to finally meet you, Charlie,” Rob said, smiling.

  Trina lifted her head and leaned forward in Jason’s arms. “Why do you have a boy’s name?”

  “Well, my name is really Charlotte, but people call me Charlie for short.”

  She nodded in understanding, her small face serious. “My name’s Katrina, but everyone calls me Trina.”

  “I think Katrina and Trina both sound very pretty.”

  The little girl leaned back into her father, smiling at Charlotte.

  Jason kissed her temple. “Sweetheart, Uncle Rob’s going to take you home now, but I’ll be back to tuck you in later. Okay?”

  She nodded. “’Kay. Can I have ice-cream?”

  He glanced at Rob who smiled and nodded. “If Uncle Rob says it’s okay, then you can have ice-cream.”

  Trina smiled and wrapped her short arms around Jason’s neck, burying her face in his shoulder. He held her tight, closing his eyes and whispering, “I love, love, love you,” before kissing her forehead and putting her down.

  She looked up at Charlotte and waved. “Bye.”

  Charlotte’s heart had melted into a puddle in her feet. She waved back. “Bye, Trina. It was nice to meet you.”

  Trina ran back to Rob, taking the hand he reached down to her and chatting about what flavour of ice-cream she wanted all the way back to the car and as he strapped her into her child safety seat. She’d narrowed it down to chocolate or mint. Rob suggested she could go with mint with chocolate chips which Trina thought was the best idea in the world.

  Jason watched them leave, waving to Trina as they drove away, then turned back to Charlotte. “May I come in?”

  Not being in any kind of emotional condition to say no, she nodded and led the way inside. He looked at the tissues scattered over the floor around one end of the sofa, but didn’t comment.

  “Would you like something to drink?” she said, more for something to say than because she wanted anything for herself.

  “No, thank you,” he said.

  She sat in the epicentre of the tissue explosion and he took the other end of the sofa, leaning his elbows on his knees and staring at the floor.

  He looked so different to the sleek, sophisticated, confident man she’d met six days ago. That was the professional Jason, the persona he projected for clients. The man in front of her now wore jeans and a blue t-shirt, hair left messy. This was the man she’d come to know, the real Jason.

  The Jason she’d fallen in love with.

  He took a deep breath and let it out slowly before speaking. “Four years ago, I went out with a girl called Sandy. It didn’t work out. She was kind of self-obsessed and flighty and I broke up with her after three weeks. We didn’t see each other again until nine months later when she turned up on my doorstep with a two week old baby girl telling me she was mine. She hadn’t exactly regarded us as exclusive and there were three possible fathers. I was the last she’d gone to. As you can imagine, I was in shock, but I had my DNA tested and it turned out she was telling the truth.

  “As soon as we found out, Sandy told me she was too young to be a mother and if I didn’t want our daughter she was going to give her up for adoption. At first, I didn’t know what to do. I was in a panic. I’d just graduated with a law degree, I was about to start the next phase of my training.

  “Sandy suggested I took the baby for twenty-four hours to help me decide. So I did. I looked after this tiny baby girl for a whole day. I bathed her and changed her and fed her and played with her and tried to get her to sleep while I got no sleep whatsoever. By the end of it I was completely frazzled and had no idea how I would cope. But I knew I couldn’t let her go. In my heart, she was mine. So Sandy signed away her parental rights, I got custody, and I was suddenly a father.

  “Trina changed everything. I had to put the training on hold, but I still needed a way to make money. My brother was amazing. He was twenty, in his second year of uni. We shared a flat and he said he’d help out as much as he could. Without him there, I don’t know what I would have done. I could have gone home, to our parents, but I didn’t want to burden them because of my mistake. But money was a problem.”

  “That was the family emergency you said led to you becoming an escort,” Charlotte said, understanding.

  He nodded. “My daughter needed me, so I did what I had to. A friend told me about his cousin who was a male escort. At first I thought the whole idea was insane, but the money he told me I could make was too good to pass up, and I could work it around when Rob could look after Trina.” He laughed softly. “The first time, I was so nervous it’s a wonder I could do anything at all. But I got used to it. I’m not going to lie, I never really disliked doing it. It’s not like I wasn’t with my fair share of girls anywa
y, just now I was getting paid for it. Although I wasn’t proud of myself either. But for Trina, I carried on. She’s my world and I would do anything to make her life the best it can be.

  “And that’s how things have been for the last three years and I’d got used to it. Until I met you.”

  He pulled an envelope from his back pocket and handed it to her. To her shock, it was full of money, it looked like hundreds, or even thousands, all in fifty pound notes.

  “That’s the money Tiffany paid me to spend time with you,” he said.

  Charlotte hadn’t realised her friend had spent so much, although Tiffany was loaded, thanks to her family. But why was he giving it all back?

  “I don’t understand,” she said, still staring into the envelope.

  “I don’t want it,” he said. “Keep it, give it to charity, return it to Tiffany, I don’t care. I don’t want money to be with you.”

  The tears she’d been battling since the previous night were suddenly burning her eyes again. “Is this because of last night? Do you regret the last five days with me?”

  “No!” He leaned towards her and took hold of her hands. “I don’t want you to think that I would need to be paid to be with you. I don’t want this,” he touched the envelope, “to have anything to do with you and me. Money is why I’m with the others. But from the first night, it was never that way with you.” He looked into her eyes. “Other women had my body, but you’re the only one who took my heart.”

  Charlotte couldn’t quite believe what was happening. “W-what?”

  “Charlie, last night, I didn’t walk out because I didn’t want you. I left because I wanted you too much. But the first time you make love shouldn’t be a business transaction. It should be something beautiful and natural, with someone you love, and someone who loves you back with all his heart.” He looked down. “And maybe, one day, if you can accept what I’ve done and what I am, I could be the one you give your heart to and it could be me.”