If I Never Went Home

by Ingrid Persaud

  Her due date come and gone. You never see a belly so humungous and her feet swell up like two tree trunks. The only thing still fitting them hooves is cheap rubber slippers. But the girl have hard ears and she not going to stop work till the very end. If she doesn’t watch out the baby will be born right here in Clark’s Hardware. I’m worried about her not taking it easy and she’s worried about me managing on my own. I’m going to be cool. I might not be able to do everything as fast as she does, but I will get it done, and I promised her that I will check and double-check everything. It’s not that Mr. Robin is a horrible boss, but he doesn’t have a lot of time for liming and chitchat. He wants his work done and he wants it done now without any big set of drama. I respect that about him and the fact that he always treats me like a grown-up.

  And another nice thing about working here is that Granny Gwen always spoiling me and Margaret. Only yesterday she made cupcakes for her church group meeting and dropped by with some for us. It’s the little things like that I appreciate. I don’t miss the café. That was hard work and it’s true Mr. Morris was taking me for granted. When I said I was quitting he didn’t pretend to want me to stay. He said my job would be filled by the next day, so that was that. I saw the girls for a while and then – you know how things go. You don’t see each other and eventually you stop calling. Whatever. That is what life seems to be like, for me at least.

  I keep thinking about Margaret and her husband having a new baby any day now and I know it shouldn’t but it gives me a pain inside. That baby will grow up knowing exactly who its parents are. Why I had to be different? Margaret has heard all about my invisible father and doesn’t have any time for my talk. According to her I had best forget about finding him because he could be living in Timbuktu for all we know. If no one will talk, and there is a blank on my birth certificate next to ‘father’s name’, there isn’t much that I can do. So why can’t I give up hoping? I know there is someone who does not know he has a daughter, and when we finally find each other both our lives will be complete. Until then we are coasting along, though of course he don’t actually know that he missing a daughter.

  This morning when I came to work Mr. Robin announced that Margaret went into labour and they are in the hospital. I wanted to go straight away but of course I have to stay and keep the office going. And even though I see her every day I must remember that she has her own sisters who are probably with her. Besides, I can’t let Margaret down on the first day she isn’t in the office.

  Whole day half of me excited to know when the baby coming, and the other bigger half worried that I’m not going to manage the office by myself. I don’t know how I end up running the people office and I’m not even nineteen properly. How they expect me to do this? But I hardly finish thinking like that when the phone start ringing and it never stop for most of the day. And touch wood – everything get done properly. Mr. Robin checked my work and he said he was impressed. I don’t touch the biggest clients but if an ordinary body can’t find what they need I can check stock and place orders up to a certain amount without Mr. Robin’s approval.

  Around lunchtime Granny Gwen reach by the office with a big plate of food for me. I told her thanks and that she mustn’t do this too often. You could smell the yummy food before she even open the office door. Is one set of macaroni pie and baked chicken with her juicy gravy that going to stay on my hips and behind. I can’t afford to lose my figure or I will end up a spinster living with Nanny till one of us drop down and dead.

  By the time we ready to close there was still no word about the baby so Mr. Robin phoned Margaret’s husband. Seems they did go to the hospital but then they were sent back home and now she is ready to go in again. I thought when you get labour pains that was it. You push and push and you get your baby. Yikes. Poor Margaret’s been in pain since about four o’clock this morning. When I am having my baby I going to do like them celebrities and get cut. And I hear that if you and the doctor agree he could take out a little of the extra fat while you already cut open. If you want to keep your man you better be able to make baby and look hot before the baby is three months, six tops. Come to think of it maybe I won’t have kids. I don’t want to end up with a hanging belly like Aunty Indra.

  Well. Margaret’s baby is a real Trini because it wasn’t going to let nobody hurry it up to be born. It was around nine o’clock in the night that I got a text to say Margaret and the baby fine. They’ve called him Karim and visiting is tomorrow after four. It was such good news I even forget me and Nanny are not talking and I went to tell her.

  ‘I glad for she, but don’t let this give you any ideas. Margaret is a grown woman with a proper husband. She waited till she had everything line up before she make a child.’

  Nanny can bitch as much as she likes because nothing is going to stop me from smiling. If you check I might even be smiling in my sleep tonight.

  This morning Mr. Robin tell me we could go see the baby as soon as the hardware closed. Granny Gwen said she leg paining so it end up being only the two of us representing the hardware. Margaret is not a big lady normally but she make one hefty little pumpkin – a whole nine pounds. He’s not wrinkle-up like how some babies come out, but you can’t pretend that this baby is anything but ugly. Karim has one big head and it covered in fine-fine black hair. Of course you can’t tell the mother her baby’s not going to win any of those cute baby contests that they carry in the papers. And Karim did have that pure new-baby smell and soft-soft skin. I’m sure as he grows he will get better-looking. Well, I hope so for the child’s sake.

  But the biggest surprise was Mr. Robin. You would never tell from his businesslike face in the office that he would be such a softie when it comes to babies. Once he had the baby in his arms nobody else get a hug-up. Only when the child started to bawl for his Mummy that Mr. Robin finally let go of Karim.

  On the way back to the car park I had to say something.

  ‘Mr. Robin, I never put you down for liking babies so much.’

  ‘I can’t help it. Something about a new baby always makes my eyes water.’

  ‘How many children you have?’

  ‘One son. We lucky to have him. My wife could get pregnant but she couldn’t keep the baby so easily.’

  ‘Still you got one.’

  ‘I’m not complaining. My mother had the same problem. Apparently I would have had a lot more brothers and sisters if she didn’t miscarry.’

  ‘What’s your son’s name?’

  ‘Charles. He’s my eyeball. But I always wanted another child or even two more.’

  I had to laugh. I have never heard a man talk like this before.

  ‘You laughing at me, Miss Ramlogan?’ he asked and put his arm around me tight. He didn’t let go. We were almost by the car and he was still holding me and walking. I could barely breathe but when I did inhale my nostrils were full of his aftershave. My brain went dizzy.

  He opened the passenger door and let me go as he walked around to his side. Thankfully he put on the radio because I didn’t know what to say or where to look.

  ‘I sure you hungry,’ he said after a few minutes. ‘Let me buy KFC before I drop you home.’

  ‘You don’t have to do that, Mr. Robin,’ I said. ‘It will have food home.’

  ‘No, man. It late. You must be hungry and you can’t say no to a box of chicken and chips.’

  And that is the truth. I could eat KFC every day. You see how I going to end up fat if I don’t check myself.

  Nothing else happen. Well, not much. We got the KFC. I ate it in the car. He saved his for later. When he dropped me out he leant over and gave my hand a little squeeze and I could feel his pants brush up against my leg. I’m going straight to hell because my heart started beating hard-hard in my chest and all I wanted was for him to kiss me. Don’t ask me to explain because I don’t understand it either. How you can see somebody day in, day out and never feel anything for them and in one evening all of that could change?

  As soon as I
reach inside the house I went straight in the bathroom. My panty was soaking. I put my hand down there. Oh God, I have never wanted a man this much. I have to have him. I bite down on the hand towel in case Nanny hear anything or get suspicious. Then I flush to make sure she don’t come by the bathroom door. When I got into my bed a little later I was shattered. I wanted to dream about him but I never remember my dreams in the morning.

  To be honest, I was a little frightened about going into work this morning. I mean he only gave me a hug-up and bought me a box of chicken and chips. The whole thing is in my mind alone. He’s my boss. And Granny Gwen’s son. And he has a ring on his finger. And he has a son. He not young. Lord Jesus, you and I both know he’s not interested in a silly young girl that his mother took pity on and forced him to hire. Is a good thing I figured all that out in my head before I reached the office because when I got there he was normal Mr. Robin, busy-busy and hardly noticing me. I felt shame about the way I got so hot last night in the bathroom. Lucky thing he’s not a mind reader or I would have to take my handbag and head out to look for a new job pronto.

  Everything was normal that day and the next day and the next, but I felt more and more shame that I ever had those feelings even for one evening. Somebody up there saved me from making a complete jackass of myself. I don’t know how old Mr. Robin is but he old. Look how I throwing myself at a man old enough to be my father. In fact he might even be older than I think because someone pointed out his son the other day and is a boy bigger than me. I’ve seen the wife a few times, but now whenever I see her I look at the woman differently. I imagine them doing it and what that must be like. She’s not good-looking but she not ugly either. You would pass she straight. But you can’t know what does go on when the lights go off. She could be one porn star in the bedroom, pole dancing on top Mr. Robin. I better start going back to church yes – if only to stop thinking about this man and he wife doing the dog.

  One way I am hoping to get my mind off lusting after Mr. Robin is by meeting someone else tonight at Charmaine’s birthday party. If the sweet sixteen was the warm-up then this is going to be a fantastic fete. I bought a gorgeous silky halter top, white jeans and red heels that I not even sure I can walk in much more dance down the place in. But they looking super cool and that’s why I buy the last size eight in the shop. Nanny took one look and pronounced them ungodly shoes that only ladies of the night wear. She need to get out more and see that anybody with good legs sporting six-inch heels these days.

  And the party was worth all the dressing up and the hairdo and the makeup. The music was rocking, the food was good, and they had magical white lights in all the trees and in the ceiling of the dance section. And I swear that more than one man had his beady eye on my skinny white jeans. I even catch Charmaine’s old half-dead uncle checking me out. But these young boys here are just that – boys. I plan to only give the goods to a real man and nobody who rubbing up on me tonight qualify.

  So having failed to get a man I best be concentrating on doing a good job so I don’t give Mr. Robin a reason not to like me. After work I try to spend time with Margaret to help out with the baby. Most days she is knackered, and because she’s breastfeeding there isn’t much I can do with Karim. What she really appreciates is if I do a little cooking or wash some of the baby clothes as they don’t go in the washing machine. She’s so grateful for the little help and company that I try to go at least twice a week. I take pictures of the baby on my phone to show the rest of the staff. Nobody else mention Karim’s big head, so is best if I keep my mouth shut. How a nice-looking girl like Margaret and a reasonable-looking father make one ugly baby so?

  One evening I was getting ready to dash out to Margaret’s after work when Mr. Robin stop me. ‘If you rushing to go by Margaret, let me give you a lift. I going that way myself.’

  ‘I not going to turn down a ride in a car with AC to hustle up in a maxi-taxi,’ I said. ‘You sure is not out of your way, Mr. Robin?’

  ‘No, man. Give me five minutes and then come outside. I will pull up in front,’ he said with a big smile.

  ‘I could come with you now.’

  ‘No. Give me five minutes and I’ll meet you in front.’

  Whatever. I used the time to run in the bathroom, wash my face and fix my lipstick.

  He was waiting outside. I got in the front seat of my fancy ride. I wonder if people thought that I was stepping out with my boyfriend or if they thought he must be my father? It wasn’t a long trip but we had a good talk. When he dropped me off he said he would be finished what he had to do in about two hours, and if I want he will come back for me. Well, I wasn’t going to refuse. He is not going to blow the horn or anything. I must come outside around seven-thirty and he will be park up on the street. And he said not to mention to Margaret he dropped me. He doesn’t want her to feel that since I started working she is any less important or that he likes her less. I understand that and I am the last person who would want Margaret to feel bad. She is like my sister.

  That was Tuesday. Now every Tuesday I get a lift to Margaret’s house and then a ride home later. First week he asked if I wanted to stop by the Savannah for coconut water. We park up right there and had a nut each. I like the jelly inside as well and he made the man chop it open for me. He’s a perfect gentleman. He ain’t try nothing on me. And he asked a lot of questions about what I like to do and my friends and stuff like that. One time he asked if I liked Chinese food. I love sweet-and-sour shrimp and fried rice so he buy some. Another time he asked me if my boyfriend would get vex with me for getting a ride home with him and I told him straight – I don’t have anyone. Mr. Robin say he doesn’t want any man coming to beat him up when all he doing is buying a little Chinese food for their woman. I kept telling him – I don’t have a man.

  Each Tuesday we have done something different. We might stop for a roti or just go for a drive. And we never actually said anything but he always stops at the end of my street and I walk the last piece to my house. I don’t need Nanny putting her mouth in things and then get Granny Gwen vex. Me and Mr. Robin never so much as hold hands, but people like to talk your business even if nothing going on. He’s such a sweet man. Sometimes he has a big Cadbury’s chocolate or a piece of cake waiting for me in the car. But Margaret’s maternity leave is ending, so today is my last Tuesday ride in Mr. Robin’s car. I have been living from Tuesday to Tuesday and now it’s almost over. I wanted to say something but I didn’t know how or what exactly. When he picked me up after seeing Margaret and the baby he asked what I wanted to do.

  ‘Let’s go for a drive.’

  He moved his hand from the gear stick and took my hand in his so both our hands were together on the gear and that is how we drove. My heart was beating so loud I felt I couldn’t hear anything else. Then he moved his hand and put it on my thigh and started to rub it. Every time he rubbed he pushed my skirt up a tiny bit more. I was afraid to move a muscle in case he stopped. I didn’t want him to stop. Ever.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO

  It was an unusually warm October day and there didn’t seem to be a free table outside, but Bea insisted. She had been clear when booking that she wanted to make the most of the exceptional weather during this birthday lunch for Nick Payne. A group of them would be meeting for drinks later, but she wanted to do something special for his sixtieth. Rialto Bridge near Harvard Square was his favourite Italian restaurant.

  Her determination paid off, and five minutes later they were sipping prosecco in unexpected sunshine. She asked what he was doing to mark this watershed.

  He hesitated, slowly sipping his wine. ‘Well, I’m making some overdue changes. Straightening things.’

  ‘Doesn’t sound like a lot of fun.’

  ‘It’s kind of now or forever hold your peace.’

  Bea leaned towards him smiling.

  ‘Tell Aunty Bea what you’re doing.’

  He laughed.

  ‘I’m serious,’ she said. ‘Tell me.’

  ‘We
’re having a good time. I don’t want to spoil it.’

  Bea sat back and drained her flute.

  ‘I think I need another drink,’ she said. ‘You ready for a refill? It’s your birthday, it’s Friday, and neither of us has to go back to work.’

  A waitress took their food order and promised to be back with more prosecco.

  ‘On the house,’ said the server. ‘Somebody has a big birthday today.’

  They thanked her and clinked glasses.

  Nick sighed deeply. ‘You’re going to find out soon anyway.’ He paused. ‘I’ve resigned and I’m moving to LA. It’s past time I settled down. You know my partner lives there and he can’t move, so I’m taking a leap of faith.’

  Bea stared at him. ‘Wow.’

  ‘Yup. We’re buying a place together.’

  ‘Well, this is a lot of straightening out for someone who’s avoided commitment this long.’

  He laughed.

  ‘I think we have to toast to this,’ said Bea raising her glass. ‘Congratulations, Nick!’

  They clinked again and then sat back enjoying the midday sun.

  ‘This is a shocker,’ said Bea. ‘I thought you were comfortable with the way things were. You have a great job. You guys see each other often for people on opposite sides of the country.’

  ‘Sometimes you have to stop running away,’ he said with a smile. ‘I’m getting old. It’s time.’

  As lunch progressed they tried to keep the conversation light-hearted, but Bea could not banish a gnawing sadness that her mentor and sometime doctor would be gone. It was incomprehensible that in three more months there would be no more Nick. He had helped her and shown faith in her. Who else had ever believed in her like this? She ordered another drink.