If I Never Went Home

by Ingrid Persaud

  Bea never made it to his birthday party that evening because she was passed out on her sofa with the television blaring. Too many glasses of wine at lunch, then back home she had mixed a couple of the vodka-and-soda-with-lemon combination she called a ‘skinny bitch’. At least she thought it was only a couple. The way her head hurt it might have been three. Could it have been four?

  She pulled the window blind slightly open and sunshine whacked her eyes. Outside, Saturday morning was in full swing, pavements bustling with people and children in prams and dogs being walked. She jerked the blind closed. Coffee. She needed coffee. And a glass of water. And where were the painkillers? Her head was pounding. She nestled back down on the sofa, a blanket around her shoulders, and realised she was still in yesterday’s clothes. The odd thing was that, terrible as her dry mouth and throbbing head felt, she was perfectly clear about what had to be done.

  It had been so long she wasn’t sure she still had a valid number. They might have changed it years ago. On the third ring it picked up. A mellow rasping voice said good morning. She recognised it instantly.

  ‘Granny Gwen? It’s Bea.’

  ‘Bea? Oh Jesus Christ! Child, is you?’

  ‘Hi, Granny Gwen.’

  ‘Darling, how you going? You don’t call me or write me. If you know how I does think about you and I always praying for you.’

  ‘You doing okay, Granny Gwen? You been keeping well?’

  ‘You know I always had a little trouble with my pressure, but the doctor have me on tablet. Otherwise I going strong. If God willing just now I go see ninety years. Imagine that.’

  ‘That’s why I’m calling. I want to come to your birthday party if that’s okay.’

  ‘How you mean if is okay? Bea, you is my granddaughter. You is the first person who should be there.’

  ‘Thanks. I’ll book my flight today.’

  ‘And I hope you staying by me. I have a set of empty rooms here.’

  ‘I don’t want to put you out, Granny Gwen. Let me stay in a hotel and come see you.’

  ‘Bea, I don’t ask for much. Come stay by your grandmother. I have a girl does come in every day to help clean and cook a little food. I won’t get in your business and anywhere you want to go the driver will carry you. It don’t have no fancy hotel go treat you good so.’

  ‘Okay, Granny Gwen. If you’re sure.’

  ‘When was the last time you get hot sada roti and tomatoes choka for breakfast?’

  ‘You’ve convinced me. I’m holding you to that roti.’

  ‘Child, you don’t know how glad you make me heart to know you coming. You tell your mother?’

  ‘No.’

  She could hear the old lady exhale.

  ‘Wait a minute, Bea. I want to get a chair to sit down.’

  Bea could hear furniture being dragged across the wooden floor.

  ‘Bea, you still there?’

  ‘Yes, Granny Gwen.’

  ‘Bea, is time you forget all them problem that you had with your mother years back.’

  ‘Granny Gwen –’

  She cut Bea off sharply. ‘Don’t feel because I’m an old lady I don’t know what happening. I know all about the confusion with your father cufflinks and that stupid little boy. Mira had him in she house and parade up and down the town with him as if she was a young thing. I don’t know what she was thinking but I know she paid a price. The boy stay must be six months and then he gone he way and is she left looking like an ass. Is Kevin who tell me everything.’

  ‘Well, Mira never tried to contact me once in all this time.’

  ‘Is shame she shame. Everybody does make mistake, child. Everybody. She is your mother.’

  Bea rubbed her temples.

  ‘I guess I’ll see her.’

  ‘For your grandmother’s sake, darling. Don’t hold on to a grudge so long. Things like that does eat up your inside and you go end up getting heart attack.’

  Granny Gwen was almost right. It wasn’t her heart she was protecting but her sanity. The conversation wasn’t supposed to be like this. Bea rubbed her temples with her free hand.

  ‘I’ll call again and let you know my flight.’

  ‘I love you, Bea. God bless you.’

  ‘Love you too. Bye, Granny Gwen.’

  *

  Two weeks later she was in the gold-and-black dining room of the Royal Savannah Hotel with over a hundred people honouring Granny Gwen in speeches and prayers. It was the first time she was seeing Mira again. They were seated next to each other at dinner and managed a stilted conversation about family and what had been happening in the country in the intervening decade. Bea was grateful for the lively chatter of other guests at their table. There was an old friend of Granny Gwen’s, Mrs. Ramlogan, with her daughter Indra, son-in-law Ricky and granddaughter Tina, a beautiful slim mixed-race girl with long slightly wild hair.

  ‘Bea, you know we met a long time ago at your father’s funeral,’ said Tina.

  ‘I’m sorry. I met so many people that day,’ Bea apologised.

  ‘It’s okay. I was little. I was there with my Nanny and Aunty Indra. My mom died when I was ten.’

  ‘I’m sorry to hear that.’

  ‘It’s okay. I’m just saying because you lost your dad. At least you still have Miss Mira.’

  Bea forced a small, awkward smile.

  ‘And what about your dad?’ asked Bea.

  The look on Tina’s face made her regret asking.

  ‘I don’t know who he is. My mom never said before she passed away and it seems no one else knows.’

  ‘That must be difficult for you,’ said Bea in her professional voice.

  Tina shrugged. ‘I haven’t given up hope.’

  They were interrupted by a call for Granny Gwen to cut her birthday cake, and she in turn wanted Uncle Kevin, Uncle Robin, Bea and her cousin Charles to come up and assist. The DJ played the Stevie Wonder hits ‘Happy Birthday’ and ‘Isn’t She Lovely’ while Granny Gwen beamed with the joy and lightness of a girl of nineteen rather than ninety. Bea wondered how she could even have thought of missing this moment. How many other wonderful family events had she deprived herself of with her self-imposed exile?

  After the cake-cutting Bea avoided returning to the table where Mira sat. She went over to Aunty Doris, Uncle Robin’s wife, who seemed less buoyant than she remembered, and was immediately treated to a litany of complaints. Charles was busy with his career and Uncle Robin was working harder than ever to keep the hardware going, which left her alone most evenings.

  ‘Bea, if I didn’t know better I would say your Uncle Robin have a deputy,’ moaned Aunty Doris. ‘That man don’t stay home like long time.’

  ‘I think Uncle Robin’s past that kind of nonsense.’

  Aunty Doris laughed. ‘Is true. Who go want a balding old man like he?’

  Bea took her hand. ‘Aunty Doris, you need to have something that is your own.’

  ‘We have a little group of ladies that does meet up once a week. Sometimes we go cinema or we might go for dinner. We even went to a casino one time. Otherwise I don’t really get out.’

  Aunty Doris patted Bea’s hand. ‘But what about you, child? I know you not married, but you have somebody up there?’

  ‘No. Nobody I see a future with.’

  ‘Well, you can’t be looking hard enough. If you come back and live here we would be having big wedding in no time.’

  ‘And how come you haven’t married off Charles, then?’

  ‘He have a mind of he own. We introduce him to some nice girls from good families but he always finding fault with them. One too skinny, another one too quiet, a next one he don’t like how she laugh. That boy so fussy I don’t think he will find anybody that good enough.’

  ‘Charlie will be fine,’ said Bea smiling. ‘I wouldn’t worry about him.’

  A waiter stopped and offered them drinks from a tray. They both took glasses of white wine.

  ‘I see you staying by Granny Gwen,’ said Au
nty Doris. ‘What your mother have to say about that?’

  Bea sighed. ‘Tonight was the first time I saw her. I don’t think we have too much to say to each other.’

  ‘How you would feel if Mira drop down and dead tomorrow and you didn’t fix things between all you? You have to think about that, Bea. I know she want to make up with you bad.’

  ‘How you know that?’ asked Bea, surprised.

  ‘I see she now and then. She didn’t have things easy. I know is your father, God rest his soul, but Alan didn’t treat her good. She sacrificed plenty for you.’

  ‘I know,’ said Bea quietly.

  ‘Then you will make time and go talk properly?’

  Bea’s eyes filled with tears. She took a sip of her wine and looked away.

  ‘I can’t,’ she said, wiping her eyes discreetly. ‘I thought I could but I can’t.’

  Aunty Doris held Bea’s hand tight.

  ‘Say your prayers and God will give you strength.’

  ‘Aunty Doris, I don’t pray.’

  Aunty Doris smiled. ‘Don’t worry. I will pray enough for both of us.’

  Bea kissed her cheek, then went outside, past the dance floor where sweaty bodies were getting down to popular soca music she did not know. Beneath the night sky she found a spot – a small bench hidden between palm trees – where her black maxi dress helped her melt into the darkness. She sat down with her head in her hands and cried tears that gushed from deep inside. She had come here to straighten out her life; to do the right thing. Instead she would be leaving more alone than ever, and this time there was no one to share the blame.

  As she sat crying and wiping her face on her dress, she gradually became aware of the lyrics of the chutney soca tune blasting out. It was something about a girl named Radica who had left her man, and he keep asking, pleading, why she “leave and go, oh, oh, oh”. The tears turned into a broad smile as she got sucked into the easy melody. Why yuh leave and go? Oh, oh, oh, Radica why yuh leave and go?

  Even the music would not dignify her lack of courage. She got up. A short walk to clear her head and she could go back to the celebrations. It was almost eleven, and surely Granny Gwen would not last much longer. As she neared the swimming pool she bumped into Indra, whom she had sat with at dinner. They were ready to leave and couldn’t find Tina.

  ‘I haven’t seen her out here,’ said Bea. ‘But I was going to walk a little before going back inside. I’ll keep an eye out for her.’

  ‘Let me walk with you,’ said Indra.

  They sauntered slowly around the grounds, saw no one, and were heading back to the dining room when Bea thought she saw Tina in the shadows of a bougainvillea bush.

  ‘Isn’t Tina wearing a gold top?’ Bea asked, nodding at a gold shimmer in the dark.

  ‘Yes,’ said Indra. ‘That’s her over there?’

  They both recognised her at the same time. She was not alone.

  CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE

  When Mummy died I felt my life ended too. No joke – it was the absolute worst moment of my life. And I never thought anything else could top that. It’s like I had two lives – the one before with Mummy and the hell it’s been since then. Robin was the first piece of happiness I had in years. Now I wish I never met him.

  In fact I wish he was dead. I wish I was dead. When Aunty Indra told me who he was, I literally vomited right there by the pool where we were sitting. She had to hold on to me because I was sure I was going to collapse. Oh God, I want to die. Nothing, nothing, nothing will make this right. Even thinking about it now, days later, makes me want to throw up. The day after I was so sick I must have vomited at least five times.

  I took to my bed for three days straight. Aunty Indra told Nanny that I eat something bad at Granny Gwen party and to leave me in peace to get better. Aunty Indra must have sounded concerned because Nanny didn’t bother me except to ask if I wanted anything. I wanted to die. I can’t scrub myself clean enough. I showered three times today and my skin’s still dirty. Soiled and stained. How do you get pure again? To think I loved that man all this time and wanted him to leave his wife. I want to kill myself every time I think of us. It’s the most sickening, disgusting thing ever. I never want to have sex with anybody again.

  Aunty Indra panicking and want us to keep it from Nanny, but I have no idea how we going to manage that. Of course Bea knows because she was there when Aunty Indra told me. If a brown person could look white she looked white when she heard that news. One good thing is his wife Doris seems clueless. She might have had suspicions but she don’t have no proof. We used to be careful like that. Now he better go home with he tail between he leg and make up with his wife or she go leave his flat hairy ass and take half of everything he worked for.

  Bea called a meeting in Granny Gwen good sitting room that nobody does ever go in. Madam Bea announced that before she leave we going to have a “come to Jesus” talk. Maybe she’s planning to pray on us. All I know for sure is me, Bea, Aunty Indra and Granny Gwen going be there. Bea wanted to have Mr. Robin too but I put my foot down. I don’t want to see that man as long as I live. I don’t care what we have to say to Granny Gwen, but I am not going back to work there. Margaret can manage easy, and in five minutes they will get a girl to replace me. Lord have mercy, what will Margaret think of me? That’s another friend I going to lose.

  When Granny Gwen first heard she take a minute then she look at me straight.

  ‘I don’t know what it is, but something tell me you had a special place in my family. And now I know.’

  She gave me a hug and I started to cry. Poor old lady – she don’t know why I really crying. But things was only beginning to hot up. Granny Gwen turn on Aunty Indra wanting to know why is only now she see fit to open she big mouth. Alan had a right to know and once Nalini had passed she should have told him. It was his child too.

  ‘I mean I don’t know what it would have been like for poor Tina to know him then lose him the same way her mother dead. Everything in this situation is wrong to me. All the time I seeing Tina my heart take to the girl. It never once cross my mind that is my own flesh and blood.’

  Bea told Granny Gwen not to come down too hard on Aunty Indra because it was a solemn promise she made. But Granny Gwen was not about to let Aunty Indra go just so.

  ‘So Indra, what make you change you mind now, eh? Tell me that? Why you want to go and confuse people brain now when the child done gone and loss she mother and she father?’

  Everybody stayed quiet. Something in the way Granny Gwen was talking you know that she mad vex.

  ‘The thing is Tina don’t want to work here again,’ said Indra.

  Now Granny Gwen get even more vex. She stopped hugging me.

  ‘But why, Tina? Young lady, is partly your hardware too now.’

  Aunty Indra tried again.

  ‘Granny Gwen, she want to move on and better herself. She might do a course.’

  ‘Well, if she want to do a course, then fine. But she have to know more about the business so she should work here Saturdays at least.’

  ‘No. She don’t want to work here again. Leave it. Is her choice.’

  ‘But that don’t make no sense, especially now she is family. Of course she should be working in the business. She could go and do whatever course she want but eventually she go have to run the place. I don’t know how much more years the Heavenly Father will grant me on this earth. And Robin will want to retire one day. Charles and Bea have they own thing doing. So Tina, is you will have the store to run.’

  I couldn’t look at her.

  ‘I’m not coming back to work in the hardware ever, so please stop saying that,’ I said as firmly as I could.

  Granny Gwen rock back in she chair. She face look hard like rock cake. Then she decide to take a turn in my tail.

  ‘Tina, you think I born yesterday? Tell me the truth. What going here? Somebody better start talking real fast.’

  Well, I started to bawl. That look she gave me is like she know e
verything already.

  Aunty Indra still trying to keep the peace.

  ‘Look Granny Gwen, nothing happen. But you see Tina and Robin was getting a little too friendly. Is best if things cool off after all this news that he is her uncle.’

  Granny Gwen eye open big, big.

  ‘What?’ she bellowed.

  She took out the handkerchief that was tucked in her bra and mopped her face. ‘Let me hear that again? Tina was carrying on with my son Robin? Right here under my nose?’

  I don’t know why Aunty Indra suddenly being my defender, but she tell Granny Gwen not to let her pressure go up because nothing actually happened. We only making sure nothing ever could happen.

  ‘You damn right about that,’ said Granny Gwen.

  That is the first time I ever hear a curse word pass Granny Gwen’s lips. Imagine if she knew what was actually going on.

  ‘By the grace of God I live to see ninety years and I never imagine I would hear a shameful thing like this happen in my family. Uncle and niece together. Heavenly father. It have no forgiveness for a grave sin like that.’

  I didn’t plan to speak. It just come out and I said that I didn’t know he was my uncle. Granny Gwen gave me a nasty look.

  ‘Lord, the man even older than your father.’

  By now the neighbours must be hearing Granny Gwen but she going strong.

  ‘He is a married man. That alone should’ve been enough tell you to conduct yourself like a decent Christian, not some she-dog in heat.’ She looked out towards the window.

  Well, is then I started screaming down the place.

  ‘So what about Robin? Like he ain’t have no part in this thing? He pushed himself on me. He wanted me first.’

  ‘You must have pushed youself up on him. Always wearing them tight-tight pants and top that showing your bra clear as day.’

  ‘Well, he is the one make the first move.’

  ‘Never. You little whore. My Robin wouldn’t do nothing so.’

  ‘Your Robin is no saint, okay? He is the one who feel me up and tell me all kind of lie how he wife don’t want him no more and how he feel like a man again with me.’