Tarnished

by Erica Chilson

  “And how do you figure that?” Arnold spits, face flushing red with anger.

  Kade goes on the attack. “If your client is doing jail time, obviously he’s in need of positive change. Most of what you do are divorces, DUIs, and homeowners fighting with the bank to keep their homes. I’d think that is self-explanatory.”

  Ignoring the snide battle Kade and Arnold engage in, I turn to Carol and Karen Jacobs, a pair of sisters who run our local H&R Block branch. “I’d appreciate it if you’d pass out our business card when your clients do their income taxes. You’d know whether they needed us by their lack of yearly income.”

  “Oh, Royce,” Carol cries as she reaches across the table to snare my hand. “This is needed. Badly. I can’t make it through tax season without breaking down from the harrowing stories my clients tell me. So needed.”

  “Some of their stories…” Karen shakes her head sadly. “The shit they deal with would have never happened if they knew better. The elderly folks get taken advantage of, and the young’uns make more mistakes than good choices.” She releases a bitter laugh. “Last week, I could have used a class in Television Installation. It took three minutes for the tech guru to hook my TV to the DVR and DVD player. When he handed me a bill for a hundred and fifty bucks, I wanted to puke.”

  “Exactly!” Kade shouts excitedly. “Jack or Duane would have done that for free, and shown you how to do it yourself next time. Hell, it took Wynn two minutes to fix the riser to my back steps, and Lord knows how much that would have cost me.”

  “Well,” I stand from the table, effectively ending the meeting because Copper is starting to get fussy. “I guess Community Growth: Life Skills Center is a go. We’ll proceed forward, and I’ll be in touch with what I need from each of you on your end. I need everything ready for our grand opening on August eighth.”

  “Why that date?” Carol asks, causing Warren, Willa, Kade, and me to flinch.

  In a stiff voice, I force the words out between quivering lips. “I felt it only fitting to open on the anniversary of Don and Annie Kennedy’s deaths, since it’s the settlement for their accident backing this endeavor.”

  “I’m so sorry.” Karen’s voice is so sympathetic that I find myself spilling the rest of it.

  “It’s also the fifth anniversary of Willa’s attack.” I gaze at Willa to center myself, leaving out how I was the one violated and left for dead. I see the questions spinning in the townsfolk’s heads, so I head them off at the pass. “Donny and I always spent the anniversary together, as we have every year since. No son should be alone on the day his father died… I just happened to walk into a nightmare five years ago.”

  “What happened to–” Willa censors herself, and only Warren and Kade catch on. “Me is why we need this program. Domestic violence. Alcoholism. Poverty. Ignorance. I was in an impossible situation, and I barely survived it.” Her final words croak out. Emotions getting the best of her, Willa covers her mouth with the back of her hand and makes a run for it.

  I move to follow, but a chubby baby is pressed into my arms. “Sometimes you make it more real. You feel me?” and then Warren is chasing after his sister.

  I know everything

  “Hi,” I whisper to Copper, looking straight into his bright, blue eyes. I turn my back to everyone so they can’t see the expression on my face. “I hope you recognize my voice, because this is the first time I’ve held you and I promise I’m not a stranger.”

  Finding me nonthreatening, Copper shoves his pink thumb into his mouth and starts gumming it and making spit bubbles, curious eyes never leaving mine.

  “Thank you for coming,” Kade takes over like I hoped he would. “I hope y’all will keep in touch. I’d like to have a meeting a week from Monday. So if any of you have any suggestions, email me and I’ll mull them over. If you’re not interested in our program, don’t let the door hit you on the ass on your way out.”

  I press my cheek against the top of the boy’s baby-fine coppery hair and ignore everyone as they leave. “You’re such a good baby. So patient. So unlike your parents. I hope they don’t drive you insane, little feller.” Copper makes a cooing sound and snuggles deeper against me. “Aww… you like me.”

  “That baby is a flirt,” Kade walks up behind me. “Give him a bit of attention and he owns you. He already has my dog wrapped around his tiny finger.” Kade settles his palm in the center of my back, and I stiffen. “I don’t know why you continue to lie to me, Dad. I lost an entire semester of my sophomore year at Penn State because I had to take care of Bren while you were in the hospital and then while you healed at home.”

  “I wasn’t in the hospital. I was just there for Willa.” I barely breathe as the lie lands, not daring to move. Kade’s fingertips curl into my back, like he’s furious and trying to make a fist. “There are some things a son should never know about his father. Let’s leave it at that.”

  “There are times when a father shouldn’t underestimate his son.” Kade’s voice is so quiet I have to strain to hear him. “The courtroom may have been closed to the public. The case files may have been sealed to protect the identity of the victims. But to think my own father thinks me stupid hurts the worst.”

  “It wasn’t about you, Kade.” My words are cold, and I regret them instantly.

  “I know,” Kade grits back. “But to be frozen out, to have read the transcripts and know what had happened to you. You of all people refused to get help, refused to let me in, when you expect me to accept your help and give you total access to my private thoughts… I was twenty during the trial, and I took care of Bren while you were with your lawyers, and you froze me out.”

  “Kaden?” I turn around, Copper clutched to my chest.

  Hands spread out to stop me, “Don’t!” Kade looks me straight in the eyes, more defiant than ever. “You always wanted to know why I acted like I resented you… well, there ya go. That’s why.” He walks backward toward the exit. “Maybe if you’d let me in, I’d do the same.”

  “I–” my eyes flick to the baby’s, like he can tell me what I should say to make Kaden feel better.

  “Ya know what?” Clearly fed up with my shit, Kade flings his hands in the air. “You’re thirty-nine. Warren and I are twenty-four with Willa joining us soon, and the boys are eighteen. But do you know what we all have in common?”

  “We’re all adults,” I blurt out.

  “Yeah, that.” Kade rolls his eyes. “We’ve all made mistakes and you helped us deal with them. Maybe we feel worthless because you won’t let us return the favor.”

  I’m walking forward before I realize it, but my son is turning away from me. “Kaden.”

  “You’re a human being, Royce. It’s time you accepted that fact.” Kade leaves me standing alone, and all I can do is follow. I catch the last of what he’s saying. “You need to take a few of your own classes.”

  Hackles rising, I hate how Kade manipulates the ever-loving fuck out of me. “Seriously? What do you expect?” I snarl as I stalk after him. “We split a six-pack while I spill the grisly details about being raped while my hysterically crying brother beat his wife so she’d pass out and not have to witness it? That sound like a fun time to you?”

  Kade turns on his heel, glare lasering through me. “How about you explain why such a good guy cracked in the first place? Hmm? Sean? What the fuck happened to Sean? One week we were eating Sunday dinner, and the next you and Willa are half dead, Sean is dead, and Donny won’t be out of prison for another nine years… but you still visit him once a month.”

  I turn belligerent because I do not want to have this conversation right now. Ever. “You guilt-trip worse than a grandmother– always trying to cut my balls off. I’ll die before I answer any of that,” I mutter defiantly as I step onto the sidewalk.

  “I’m not stupid!” Kade shouts, sound splitting my ears. I curl my arm over Copper’s head, never wanting him to hear raised voices. “And neither is he!” Kade points at Warren.

  Having a face
off similar to ours, Warren is leaning over Willa, whose arms are crossed over her chest and her lips are drawn into a tight line of defiance. No doubt they are having a similar interrogation.

  “I don’t know about that,” I grumble. “Warren can act pretty stupid. Nice try, but he ain’t getting shit out of Willa. Out of the two of us, she’s less likely to tell the truth.”

  Kade reaches over, taking Copper from my arms. The baby fusses for a second, but settles down immediately against Kade’s broad chest. His, “When Willa’s sober,” has my knees buckling. My arm is braced in Kade’s unforgiving fist to keep me upright. “And Willa wasn’t sober for nearly four years. I know everything, Royce. Every-fucking-thing.”

  Eyes bulging out of my skull, body weak like I’m going to pass out, I mutter listlessly, “Then why are you doing this to us? Leave well enough alone.”

  “Well enough? Because it’s time,” Kaden whispers with tears glinting in his eyes.

  “I’ve had a rough day, son.” I take a deep breath, and then start for Willa. “Can I have the rest of the day without being emotionally tortured?”

  “Dad?” Kade grips my bicep lightly to stay me, while clutching Copper to his chest with his other arm. “It’s time. You and Willa have been dancing around this for eleven months.” He releases a bitter laugh. “Make that eight? No, almost nine years. I’m going to put one-hundred-percent of my focus into the Life Skills Center because I believe in it. Wynn’s going away to school, and I want him to experience it without having half his heart and soul back here worried about you… and Bren. Bren’s got his own shit going down, and he can’t handle yours.”

  “What do you want me to do?” Warren steps away as I stand at Willa’s side. She looks less worse for wear than I do. She’s used to her brother’s tactics, whereas I’m not used to Kade reaching the end of his rope.

  “Gimme my boy,” Warren orders, reaching to take Copper from Kade. “If you ever yell while holding him again, I’ll kick your teeth in. Got it?”

  “Got it.” Kade glances away in shame. “Dad– Willa? Ya gotta move on. Get some help. You can’t keep this lie going.”

  “I don’t see how not giving the violent details is lying,” I burst out, flabbergasted. “We have the right to privacy.”

  Kade points at Willa and me, fury etched across his features. “They have a right to not live a lie. Tell the truth and be done with it.”

  Willa and I are both stunned stupid. She reaches for my hand, never before initiating that small gesture of comfort. I wrap my hand around hers and squeeze tightly to center myself.

  “We’re walking home,” Kade orders Warren. “You’re not getting in that car with my godson ever again. I’m calling the junkyard to tow it away.”

  “What the fuck am I supposed to drive, asshole?” Warren keeps snarling underneath his breath, but he’s removing Copper’s car seat while he’s doing it. “Penny is gonna shit a brick if I can’t drive Jeb and the girls back up to Franklin Holler every evening.”

  “I’ll drive you tonight.” Kade takes the car seat so Warren can carry Copper. “Penny’s getting a graduation gift. Look for a hefty deposit into your account come tomorrow morning.”

  “What the fuck?” It’s my turn to snarl. “Stop accessing the fund, or I’ll remove your name from it! Are you bastards blackmailing me now?” Willa tugs on my hand to keep me from committing homicide in front of my new center promoting survival.

  “Royce,” Kade talks down to me like I’m an idiot. “When you’re upset, it makes you feel good to give things to people in need. I saw you eyeing this car, and I heard you bitching about it. You’re really, really upset right now, so you need to give a big gift.”

  “Thanks!” Warren says enthusiastically as he carries his son down the street toward my house. “I’m glad Willa hasn’t convinced you to go into therapy yet, or I might have missed out on a new car.”

  My glare is piercing, but it only makes Kade laugh. “Hey, don’t shoot the messenger. I’m just doing your work for you, cutting out the middle man. I promise not to go overboard at the center.”

  “I’m telling Wynn,” I threaten, and I only succeed in making Kade’s grin larger. He walks away from me after detonating a bomb and then leaving me to do the cleanup. “He hates it when you spend my money.” I turn to Willa. “Did that actually just happen?”

  “Welcome to my world,” she mutters sarcastically. “They tag-team you by making you feel like shit. Then when you’re at your weakest, they go in for the kill. It’s classic Warren and Kade. They planned this, no doubt.”

  Dumbfounded, I just stare after my son, finally seeing him clearly. Kade always said I wouldn’t want to hear his private thoughts. Now I’m terrified.

  “You know, I hate Kade’s guts,” Willa admits.

  “Really?” I squint, just making out Kade blowing kisses to Copper.

  “I mean, I love him like a brother.” Willa sighs, seeing the sweetness I’m seeing. “But sometimes I want to punch him in his fucking face.”

  “I bet Wynn feels the same way most days, aside from the brother part… Therapy?” I prompt. “What was Warren talking about?”

  “Lunch?” Willa evades.

  “Therapy?” I try again.

  Willa proves she can’t be swayed while sober. “Lunch. Driving lesson. Be home before the kids get out of school. I’m cooking dinner while you’re in your office. We’re having pulled pork and baked potatoes. Strawberry shortcake. Dishes and homework. Sit around the bonfire. Then sleep. Nowhere in there is talk of therapy.”

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  Depraved

  “I’m really proud of you, you know?” I murmur to Willa as we all sit around the bonfire. Hayden’s curled up in my lap, softly sleeping. When he begins to stir, I skim my fingertips down my boy’s cheek, trying to coax him back to sleep.

  “I should have learned to drive almost eight years ago,” Willa replies flippantly. She gazes down at Hayley’s head resting on her lap. “Our daughter will never have to go through this. This sick feeling of learning things kids do when you’re a grown woman with half-grown kids. Do you have any idea how embarrassing it was when Wynn was driving and I couldn’t? He’s five years younger than me.”

  “That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be proud, just the same.” This time I skim my fingertip down Willa’s arm, then Hayley’s pink cheek. “No one has ever thought any less of you.”

  “I don’t want a handicap because of what happened.” Willa’s words are soft and quiet, but for the first time I can hear the underlying anger. “I’ve thought less of me. I can’t be proud of myself for learning something I should’ve known already. I can’t keep blaming Donny and Momma and Daddy, either.”

  “You better not be blaming yourself,” I order in a commanding tone. I stroke the back of her hand to lessen the punch of my words.

  “I don’t want to have this conversation right now. Dr. Cassidy is helping me work through this.”

  My eyes flick over to rest on Kaden, and now I understand how he feels with me. If Willa doesn’t want to talk, she shuts down. Nothing will force her to open up. I never realized I do this to my kids, and I have no buddies to open up to. Donny was my best friend, with Corbin and Sean as his buddies. Once they were gone, I was too terrified to connect with anyone else.

  Kade’s being an asshole because of me– I just know it. I want him to treat me as he did his father, but I’m not treating him as his father did. The connection flows both ways.

  Willa catches me watching Kade while he scribbles furiously into a notebook using the firelight to see. “Hey, Wynn?” She calls out. “Did Kade tell you Warren’s getting a new car tomorrow?”

  “Huh?” Wynn’s chisel slips and he curses underneath his breath. “Since when? They ain’t got no money.” Wynn hands Kade the director’s nameplate he’s crafting. “This what you had in mind?”

  “Yeah…” Kade’s fingertip glides over the letters as he gazes down reverently. His eyes flick up to
Willa’s, pleading with her not to start any shit. In Willa’s own way, she’s defending me. “It’s perfect, Wynn. I love it.”

  Wynn takes the nameplate back, and his chisel goes back to work. “Car?”

  “I… um…” Kade stumbles over his words, so I protect the tranquility of our bonfire time.

  “I didn’t like Copper riding around in that deathtrap, so they’re getting a new family car as a wedding-baby-graduation present,” I say on the fly.

  “Oh, that’s so sweet, Royce.” Wynn looks at me like I rise and set the sun. Kade snorts, but he flashes me a relieved smile.

  “Nice,” Willa drawls. Hayley wiggles in her sleep, hand slapping her momma in the chest. “Now I see why Penny calls you Rocky,” Willa says with a girlish giggle.

  We all go back to what we were doing: Willa and I gazing down at the children in our laps, Kade working on something for the center, Wynn crafting the nameplates, and my first born is gazing into the fire like it holds the secrets of the universe.

  Bren feels my gaze, and it breaks him out of his trance. He looks terrified, lost, and alone. I move to go to him, but he shakes his head no. “I need to take a walk– gotta get out of here so I can think straight.”

  “Hide-a-key is by Suicidal Tendencies’ foot,” Kade mutters, never looking up from his notebook. “Either hook Pervert on his run or take him for a walk. His food is in the pantry. Don’t let the fat hog fool ya– he only gets a cup and a half of dry food. Sleep on the couch ‘cuz my sheets need washed and you don’t wanna know what’s on ‘em. Perty has to sleep with you, or else he shits on the floor out of spite. Beware, he snores and kicks in his sleep.”

  “Brennan?” My voice wavers. “You don’t have to go. We won’t bother you in the house.”

  Bren’s, “I need a change of scenery,” is cut off by Kade’s, “Let him go, Dad.”