Tarnished

by Erica Chilson

  “I’m fine, Dad.” Bren leans down to flutter Hayden’s hair. “Nobody is dying. No one is sick. I’m still graduating. But I’m trying to figure out what I’m supposed to do with the rest of my life. So don’t worry about me.” He gives a tug to Hayley’s fauxhawk. “I’ll be back before breakfast.”

  We all stare after Bren as he crosses the yard. Watching my son walk away tears my heart out. Kade yelling startles all of us. “If you have anyone over to– talk –Perty has to stay in the room with you.”

  Bren’s laugh is dark and pain-filled. “Or else he shits on the floor? Got it. Good night.”

  Wynn, Willa, and I turn on Kade as soon as Bren is out of sight. “You know?”

  “I’m being a big brother,” is all Kade says. He picks up his pen again, and begins scratching out words in his notebook. I’m stunned speechless and Willa is making odd, flabbergasted noises.

  “You either tell me, or I’m gonna rip your dick off.” Wynn grabs the pen out of Kade’s hand, and then points at him with it. “Bren has been a lunatic for the past two weeks. Our friends won’t speak to each other. We only have a few days left and should be together. I need to fix it.”

  “You can’t fix it.” Kade calmly reclaims his pen. “No one can.” He leans forward to write in his notebook. “Bren has to figure out what he wants to do, and the people he loves are going to have their feelings hurt. But the choice is his.”

  “I can help!” Wynn cries. “Dammit, Kaden!”

  “You can’t,” he stresses with finality, causing my guts to twist in on themselves. “Bren can’t talk to you or Royce because you’ll try to fix it for him, or tell him what you think he should do. With something like this, only Bren can decide. I’m not influencing him, that’s why he came to me. And I’m not going to break his confidence, because then no one would trust me to keep my word again.”

  “If my son needs me–” I grit out between clenched teeth, feeling utterly helpless.

  “Then he’ll come to you.” Kade is firm with me and I oddly take comfort in it. “Bren was telling the truth; no one is in mortal danger. He’s just… conflicted.”

  “I’m tired.” Wynn hops up from the ground and begins gathering his supplies. “I’m going to bed.”

  “I’ll go with.” Kade makes it two feet before three people glare at him for different reasons.

  “Unless you’re going to tell me what’s up, you can keep your ass out of my bedroom,” Wynn snarls.

  “No,” I bark out, startling Hayden awake. “Remember the house rules?”

  “I’m tired.” Kade rolls his eyes at me. “It’s been a shitty day. I want to shower and go to sleep. I’m not up for that. Besides, look at him.” He points at Wynn’s furious expression. “He’s not gonna let me sleep until he bitches at me.”

  “Yeah, but in the morning…”

  “What?” Willa looks around, confused. “Morning what?”

  “A pissed off hormonal teenager in bed with–” I shudder at the thought.

  Kade flashes me the naughtiest smirk I’ve ever seen, and then releases an evil cackle. “Two hormonal guys.”

  “Gross,” Willa and I grumble at the same time. “No, follow the rules,” I warn.

  “Royce,” Wynn sounds exasperated. “Like either one of us have followed your rules at all. I’ve slept with Kade four times in the past week. Only this is the first time we’re letting you know it’s happening beforehand.”

  Impersonating her brother, “But I’m eighteen and a half!” Willa stops me from murdering my sons by mocking Wynn’s favorite saying. “If you still add that half year, you’re too young to share a bed.”

  “Bitch,” Wynn says with affection. Sour mood broken, Wynn’s laughter floats after him as he crosses to the back porch.

  “I promise to be as quiet as a church mouse,” Kade taunts us. “It’s not like you heard us this morning, or last night, or yesterday afternoon. Seriously, I’d suggest hiring a cleaning service to fumigate Wynn’s room of the sex stench when he moves to the dorm.”

  “Good night, Kade,” I say none too kindly, but then I crack a grin.

  “Good riddance, Kade,” Willa mumbles beneath her breath. “Do you think we’ll get rid of him once Wynn moves?”

  “Nah, he’s here to stay.” My smile is genuine as I revel in having Kade all to myself, getting to know him on a different level without him being distracted by Wynn.

  “Drat,” Willa teases me. “You have some work you need to do on that boy before my brother graduates from college. I don’t want Wynn spending his life with that man-child.”

  “I think the center will take care of that.” I hope and pray. “They’re good for each other. They balance each other out.”

  “Yeah, but there is something seriously naughty about the pair, like they could get into some trouble if they’re not careful.”

  “Trouble?” My head tilts back as I release a deep laugh to the sky. I can practically feel my eyes glinting with amusement. “Wynn is your baby brother, Willa. I’m the only person on this planet who knows just how naughty you can get. Mixing Kade and Wynn equals depraved.”

  I lean back against the log, hugging a sleeping Hayden to my chest. Bubbles of laughter keep spilling from my lips, but they get cut off when a pair of soft lips press against mine. I still, breath hitching in my lungs, unsure what to do as I allow Willa the freedom of choice.

  The tentative kiss lasts all of two seconds, but it rocks me to my core. Willa leans away, lips still parted from our kiss yet smiling blindingly. Both of us are blushing in the firelight like innocent teenagers.

  “Now that I’m proud of.” Standing, Willa hoists Hayley up against her chest, and the little one wraps her arms around her momma’s neck and hooks her legs around momma’s hips. “Naughty? Pretty sure I was depraved with you…”

  Nocturnal Visitor

  Warm and comfy, I have to be dreaming. Giving me a bit of a chill, sneaky fingertips tug at my sheet, lowering it until my thighs are bare. “I thought men slept naked,” Willa’s disappointed, pouting words swirl around inside my head.

  I bolt upright in bed, heart beating out of control from the shock. “Christ!” I clutch my chest, fearing a heart attack. “Dang it! I’m getting too old for this shit. I’m not dreaming, am I?” I reach blindly to switch on my lamp. In the process, my hand knocks a glass of water off the nightstand to land on the floor with a piercing smash. Soft light spearing the darkness, Willa cringes, hand covering her face.

  “What are you doing in here?” I demand of the young woman sitting on the edge of my bed. “How did you get here?”

  Scrubbing at her filthy face, Willa’s finger snags in her uncombed hair. “I wal–ked,” she slurs, yanking her finger free from her rat’s nest.

  “You what?” I squawk, not fearing Bren will hear me since he’s staying over at Franny’s house. “Willa, are you high? What did you take? How did you get here? Why are you here? Are Wynn and the kids alright?”

  “I’m so sorry.” Willa bends at the waist, sobbing into her hands. I take a good look at her– a good look. She’s destroyed herself. Ruined. Flashes of the young girl I met years ago play out in my mind, and it makes me sick.

  I did this to Willa. Me.

  My hands flutter around, unsure of what to do with Willa after so long of trying to reclaim her. I have no idea how to help her since she’s sunk so deep. Her feet are bare, black as soot but not marred in anyway. So she didn’t walk from Gillette Holler. Her skin looks thin and yellowed. Her body is shrinking away, not the vitality a twenty-two-year-old woman should have. Her silky blonde curls are ratted and snarled, not seeing a drop of water and soap or a brush in more than a month. Tears make tracks in the caked-on dirt on her cheeks. She stinks. A vile scent of sickness and drugs, and misery and regret.

  My fists clench in my sheets, not knowing what to do but knowing I need to do something. This is the end– Willa can’t go on living like this. I can’t go on living in this stasis, waiting and wonder
ing, fearing for the twins’ lives at the same time as watching Warren, Willa, and Wynn suffer so.

  Willa’s eyes connect with mine, and for the first time in a long time, they hold clarity. She’s ready. “War’s at Kade’s place, figuring out what we need to do. He told me to stay in the car, but I couldn’t.”

  “So you came to me,” I mutter underneath my breath, stunned. “What’s going on?”

  “Wynn–” my cellphone interrupts Willa.

  I blindly reach to silence it. “What about Wynn?” I look to see who’s calling and my heart sinks. With the flick of my finger, the phone is answered and pressed to my ear. “Wynn? It’s two in the morning. Did something happen?”

  I hold an entire conversation on autopilot, nothing sinking in, as Willa stares at me with eyes filled with a wealth of guilt and shame. Call ended, my cellphone lands on my mattress, forgotten.

  Rage spikes my blood. Pure, unadulterated rage fuels my courage. I don’t walk on eggshells. I lose every ounce of patience I possess. I blink, only to find my fists clenched around Willa’s bony arms, when I haven’t initiated touching her in years, hating how she would shrink back and cry out. I always waited for Willa to touch me first. But not tonight. I squeeze this side of breaking bone and she doesn’t fight me.

  I snarl into Willa’s face, spittle flying. “What did Wynn do?” Grimacing, she shakes her head no, matted hair flopping into her face. I squeeze tighter, until her face contorts in agony. “What. Did. Wynn. Do?”

  “Dad?” Bren’s bellow hits my ears just as my door is swinging open. “Fran and I were taking a walk and Kade and Warren were running down the street calling out for–” My son finally registers the tableau happening on my bed. “Oh…”

  My hands release Willa, not giving a fuck that she lands on the floor in a pile of filthy skin and bones. I step over her wailing body and grab a pair of jeans out of my dresser drawer. My mind spins with solutions. Fury making me only see red. I slip my jeans over my boxers and abandon looking for a shirt.

  “Call your brother and tell him I have Willa. Make sure he gets Warren’s ass in this house in the next three minutes or I’m cutting him off financially for life.” I stare my stunned son down. “You repeat that word for word. Go!” I don’t bother making sure Brennan follows through. The kid always does as he’s told.

  No longer gentle and kind, I reach down to grip Willa’s arm. Hauling her to her feet, I drag her to my bathroom. Propelling her forward, I toss Willa into the bathtub, not giving a shit when she releases a pain-filled grunt.

  “I’m sorry,” she mutters on repeat, every few words slurring together. I can tell this is as sober as she’s been in years and it won’t be long until the effects of detox set in.

  Voice laced with fury and sarcasm, “I’m glad to see you love Wynn more than you love your own kids.” I jerk the faucet handle to the hottest setting. Instantly a spray of scalding water descends on Willa. She hovers in the bottom of my bathtub with her hands over her head like I’m going to kick her.

  Even seeing Willa in a position my brother used to put her into way too often, when I was the one she ran to for help, doesn’t lessen my anger. I know I’m breaking our bond of trust and comfort, but we’re way past easing Willa into anything.

  As I’m dumping the contents of a bottle of shampoo on her head, she sputters up at me. “It wasn’t Wynn… When Momma slapped Hayley, I–I– I snapped. I couldn’t take it no more. I got into a fight with Momma, and Daddy had to tear us apart.”

  My eyes zero in on Willa’s bloodied lip, and I swear once again how I’m going to kill Corbin Gillette one day. But then I remember why he still breathes. I want that man to suffer until his dying breath. I’ll take every fucking Gillette from him if I have to. I’ll make them happy and flaunt them in his face, showing him how he is a pathetic, worthless excuse for a human being who couldn’t take care of his own flesh and blood. But I could.

  Corbin had no right to take from me what he did. To take from Donny and me. To take from Willa. Justice. I might not be putting a bullet in Corbin’s head, but I’ve been plying him with beer just so I can watch his body cannibalize itself. I derive sick enjoyment out of watching him deteriorate.

  “It took Wynn trying to blow his own brains out for War to finally snap.” Willa’s still blubbering as my mind takes a vengeful vacation up to Gillette Holler, where I see Corbin looking confused over the loss of every one of his children. To me. They are all mine now. He has no one except for his toxic Cora.

  Evil exists, and it’s only human nature for me to want to witness my revenge.

  But I’m not evil, only human. “I’m going to take your clothes off you,” I warn Willa to steel herself. Her big blue eyes pop wide open, filled with terror. “I have never hurt you. I will never hurt you. All I’ve ever done is save you at the risk of ruining everyone else, even if I couldn’t save you from yourself.”

  Courageously, Willa begins unbuttoning her stained blouse with shaking fingertips. I stand over her, half leaning into the bathtub as the shower rains down on us. I watch, noticing how time, age, children, and drugs have taken their toll on Willa’s body. She’s no longer the curious child I laid with. She’s a grown woman who is going to take my help, even if I have to force her.

  “You’re incapable of making the decisions I’ve allowed you to make, Willamina.” I take her blouse from her, and toss it onto the tile floor. “I promised I’d never force you to do anything. But maybe if I loved you more than fearing you’d hate me if I broke my promise, I would have. Because there are some things you have to do, whether you want to or not.”

  “Dad?” Bren calls from my bedroom, knowing better than to enter my bathroom. “Warren and Kade are with me.”

  I look down at Willa. “Are you okay with your brother helping you wash and dress, or do you want me to do it?”

  “Where will you be?” Her voice quivers as if she’s cold, but she’s sitting in sweltering water.

  “Kade and I have some arrangements to make, and I have to put Bren into action.” I reach down to help Willa struggle out of her soaked jeans, stretched out underwear pulling away with them. There’s a bruise blooming on her hip, and I want to kill myself knowing it was from when I tossed her into the bathtub.

  I hate myself even more when Willa takes off her bra. I notice she’s fuller, more womanly. I remember how her breasts fit directly in my palms and how they swelled when she was pregnant– the satisfaction I felt as the twins suckled at her nipples. Sick in the head and heart, I turn from Willa.

  “I’ll give you some privacy and send Warren in.” I grab a towel to dry my back and chest off. “Don’t worry, Willa. I promise I will put your welfare above any promises I made in the past.”

  “That’s what I’m terrified of but am counting on,” she whispers as I leave the room.

  Warren brushes past me in a rush to get at his sister, nearly knocking me off my feet. “What did you do?” Warren bellows. “Why did you run from me? Why did you come here?”

  Willa’s, “We need help,” breaks me.

  Suffocating, choking on a sob, I bolt past my sons, fist landing in the center of my bedroom door. The force propelling my hand all the way through it.

  “Hey… hey… hey…” Willa’s worried voice draws me awake. “Shh… it’s okay. It’s gonna be okay, Royce. I promise.”

  It takes me a moment to blink off the delirium. I wake in the same way my nightmare began. “I’m not dreaming, am I?” Willa’s leaning over me, curls loose and clean, skin fragrant and healthy. An innocent white nightgown made seductive with its transparency. “What are you doing in here?”

  One corner of Willa’s lips curves up into a sardonic smirk. “Is this where I’m to ask you if you sleep in the nude?” She pats her hand in the center of my chest, directly over my heart, the only thing separating our skin is the thin sheet. “I could feel you were hurting. I can tell the memories are riding you more now that I’m letting them go. It’s time we talk about thera
py.”

  “Willa?” I roll my eyes, but I reach up to rest my hand over hers– the comforting warmth seeping into my bones. “I thought you said we weren’t going to talk about therapy?”

  “That was yesterday.” The other side of her lips curves up to widen her smirk. “The last thing on my list was sleep. It’s morning. A new day. I’m stronger now, and it’s my turn to help you.”

  Therapy

  “Please, take a seat,” Dr. Cassidy gestures to the leather sofa as she slowly lowers herself into a matching chair. Willa sits next to me, pulling a pillow from behind her back to clasp to her chest like a teddy bear. “First, Mr. Kennedy– may I call you Royce?” I nod my head in a quick jerk yes. “Are you okay with Mrs. Kennedy joining us?”

  Eyes narrowed, I turn to Willa. “Why didn’t you let the doctor call you Willa?”

  Dr. Cassidy covers her mouth with the back of her hand, a trilling laugh slipping out. “No, Royce, I call Mrs. Kennedy Willa. I’m just getting the formalities out of the way.”

  “Oh,” I mutter, eyes still on Willa. She’s comfortable here, and I can tell she trusts the doctor. I kept envisioning a mother or grandmother looking woman, who I’d never want to know my dark secrets. But Dr. Cassidy is in her late forties, very professional with her bifocals and clinical air. She’s what comes to mind when you think doctor.

  “Willa said she couldn’t progress any further in her therapy unless I came. Something about how she can’t fill you in on my memories.”

  “That is very true.” Dr. Cassidy shifts in her chair, picking up a tablet and pen. “Frankly, I’m surprised you’re joining us today. For the past year, you’ve sat in my parking lot four times a week. I was beginning to wonder if you wanted me to go out and drag you in here for a session.” Dr. Cassidy has a sarcastic, evil edge about her that puts me at ease. “Maybe an engraved invitation?”

  Willa leans forward. “That’s my fault. I–I–I didn’t think Royce was ready yet, so I didn’t ask him to join us.”