Break Me Down

by Jennifer Domenico

  “Miss London?” Oliver says.

  I clear my throat. “Okay, so um, I’ll start with uh, what I learned recently. About myself.”

  Oliver leans against his desk, out of view of my parents, but in mine. He nods to encourage me.

  “I learned,” I continue slowly, “That what happened to me, what Jim did, wasn’t my fault. No matter what anyone says otherwise.” I look up and finally make eye contact with my Dad. His glare makes me want to look away, but I stay strong. “It’s not my fault even though I didn’t tell anyone. Even though I didn’t think it was wrong. I know why I responded to Jim, the way I did.”

  “Why?” Mom asks.

  “Because something was lacking in my life that Jim provided.”

  My dad scoffs, but I ignore it, remembering what Oliver taught me.

  “He told me things that made me feel good. Like I was smart and he loved me. He said I was perfect. At the age of ten, I believed it. No one else ever said those things to me.”

  “So it’s our fault?” Dad yells. “It’s our fault because we didn’t tell you you were perfect?”

  I sigh and glance at Oliver, who nods. “It’s not your fault that it happened to me either. What is your fault is how you handled it. Both of you.” My voice shakes as I get the words out.

  Mom’s eyes fill with tears, but I keep going.

  “I am not a whore. I am not damaged.” I stand up, setting my coffee cup down, as my anger rises to the surface. “How could you say that to me, Dad? How could you look a tiny girl in the face and tell her she liked the abuse, tell her she wanted it? What the hell is wrong with you?”

  “Stop it right now,” he mumbles.

  “No! I’ve held this in for so long. I acted like a whore because that’s what you expected and that’s what I came to believe.”

  “Kaia,” Mom interjects.

  “And you! You're just as bad as he is. You just sat back and let him say those things to me. You never once asked me if I was okay. You never asked me if I understand what happened. All you cared about was that I was still a damn virgin, ‘cuz that’s what matters when your daughter was molested for years!”

  “Kaia!” Dad yells. “That’s enough!”

  “It’s not! Don’t you see?” The tears start to flow as I sink back into the seat. “Don’t you see why this happened? You don’t love me. You’ve never loved me.”

  “What?” Dad says, standing and walking towards me. “You think I don’t love you?”

  I nod, sobbing and burying my face in my hands.

  “That’s ridiculous!” I look up to see him swing around towards Oliver. “Did you put this shit in her head?”

  Before Oliver can answer, I jump up and get between them, shoving my dad in the chest. “He has nothing to do with this and you know it! Admit it! You don’t love me!”

  “This is bullshit!” Dad stomps out of the room as my mom stands shocked.

  I cross my arms, glaring at her. “What are you gonna do, Mom? Run after him catering to his precious ego or stay here and support me?”

  “This is a difficult situation,” she says, quietly.

  “Is it? You’ve always chosen him. Should be pretty easy for you.”

  “I’m sorry you feel that way.”

  “Why wouldn’t I?”

  Mom looks at Oliver for help, but he remains quiet.

  “I don’t know what to do,” she says, as her eyes fill with tears.

  “Decide!” I yell. “For once in your life, make your own decision instead of letting him make them all for you.”

  She looks at me for a moment, then walks past me to sit in the armchair. “You’re right, Kaia. I’ll stay.”

  I look at Oliver, not knowing how to handle this. He nods towards the chairs so I sit too, lowering my head.

  “Where do you think he went?” I ask.

  “He’ll be back,” Mom says. “He’s embarrassed, but he’ll be back.”

  We sit silently for what feels like an eternity. Oliver looks out the windows and my mom and I sit in tense silence. Finally I hear steps that I know are my dad’s.

  He appears in the doorway as we all turn to look at him. “I take it you have more to say.”

  I nod. “Are you willing to listen?”

  He sits across from me. “I’m here, aren’t I?”

  I nod, taking a deep breath. “I just need to understand why you’ve never been able to tell me that you love me. When you found out what happened to me why didn’t you just hold me and tell me you were sorry I got hurt? Why couldn't you do that? Instead you both shut me out. It's like you hated me for getting molested.”

  Dad looks up at Oliver. “I don’t know what to say.”

  “Just tell her how you feel about her,” Oliver says. “Tell her how finding out what happened to her made you feel.”

  He nods, looking at me. “It killed me. Absolutely ripped my heart out. My little girl was forced to do such horrible, dirty things, and she lived with it. She didn’t trust us to tell us. She didn’t feel like she could.” He looks at Oliver. “How does a father deal with that?”

  “Can you tell her why you said the things you did?”

  He shakes his head. “I was angry. I didn’t understand why she didn't tell us.”

  “Tell Kaia,” Oliver says softly.

  “I got this letter in the mail, telling me in painstaking detail the things he did to you and the things he made you do. It was a confession and a suicide note. I was furious that he took his own life, and I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t call the police. I couldn’t go to his house and beat the shit out of him. I couldn’t do anything, Kaia. Not one damn thing to fix it.” He reaches for my mother’s hand, and she takes it. “Your mother didn’t eat for a week until she was so dehydrated she had to stay overnight in the hospital.” He shakes his head. “No one tells you how to deal with this, Kaia. No one says, hey if you ever find out a family member did the worst thing imaginable, here’s what you do. We didn’t know how to handle it.”

  I keep my arms crossed, avoiding his eyes. “Why did you say such mean things to me? Why did you say I liked what he did? Why did you call me a whore?”

  Dad’s eyes fill with tears. “I don’t have a good explanation for that. I guess I just couldn’t cope with it, so I lashed out at you.”

  “In my opinion,” Oliver says, softly, “Kaia represented the tragedy for you and since Jim took his own life, you didn’t have anywhere else to direct your pain.”

  Dad nods. “I was awful. Over the years, you just kept rebelling and fighting us, and I never understood it was because of me. And now you hate me.”

  I say nothing, staring at the floor.

  “Do you hate your father, Kaia?” Oliver asks. “Tell him the truth.”

  I examine my feelings for a minute. “No.”

  “Do you hate your mother?”

  I shake my head. “No.”

  “What do you want to happen after this?”

  “I want,” I pause as my voice cracks. “I want us to be a normal family. I want us to celebrate holidays together and hug and laugh. I want you to forgive me for the things I’ve done and said.” I look at my Dad. “I want to know that you love me exactly as I am today.”

  “I do, Kaia. I love you. I tried to show you with material possessions, but now I know that wasn’t what you needed. You’re my baby girl, and I failed you. Instead of protecting you from harm, I added to it. I’m so sorry.”

  “Kaia,” Mom says, softly. “I love you, too. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you enough or show you how much. Can you forgive me?”

  I look up at Oliver who smiles.

  “I already have. You came here and that showed me a lot. I don’t remember if you ever told me you loved me before what happened, but I know you haven’t since then. Thank you for giving me that today.”

  My parents hug me, and I cry as Oliver winks and leaves the room.

  LOTS OF LAUGHING AND CRYING later, we finish our conversation. I can’t believe I�
��m enjoying the company of the two people I’ve avoided being alone with most of my life. Oliver peeks in, tapping on the door, and I motion for him to come in.

  “How are we doing?” he asks.

  “Good,” I reply, smiling. “Really good.”

  “So what happens now, Doctor?” Dad asks.

  “Well, Kaia still has some things to work through relating to her personal healing. This was a big step in that process. Before she could make sense of her own thoughts and actions, she had to remove any obstacles. Her feelings about the past were roadblocks.”

  He nods. “So you’re staying here?”

  I nod. “I am.”

  “It’s helping?” Mom asks.

  “A lot,” I say. “I’ve never been able to articulate how I felt about what Jim did to me. Now I can. It sucked, but there was so much clarity when it was over.”

  Dad squeezes my hand. “We’re glad you’re here and getting good help.”

  “Me too, Dad.” I hug him again.

  “Why aren’t we allowed to take you out for dinner?” he asks.

  “It’s not in my program.”

  “But we’re your parents. You’re safe with us.”

  “Of course I am, but I’m in full immersion detox.”

  “Detox?” Dad asks.

  “Oh, yeah, um, I’m um,” I stumble over my words looking to Oliver for support.

  “You can do it,” he says.

  “So, it turns out, my problem is a little deeper than just being a party girl.”

  “Okay,” Dad says slowly.

  “I’m, uh,” I close my eyes briefly. “I’m a sex addict.”

  “I’m sorry?” he says.

  “A sex addict, Dad. It means I’ve lost control over the things that I do. I’ve done a lot of things you and Mom don’t know about that I’d really rather not tell you, but it’s over now. I’m learning how to cope with my urges and what caused them.”

  “I didn’t think that was a real thing,” Dad says.

  “It gets sensationalized in the media,” Oliver explains. “But I assure you, it’s a real thing.” He smiles. “I will tell you though, that Kaia came here at a good time. She wasn’t in too deep yet. It hasn’t ruined her life.”

  “I see,” Dad says. “What is detox like?”

  “I don’t go out unattended. I don’t have access to my phone or a computer or even television. I journal and sit quietly in my thoughts every day.”

  “That’s why she stays with you?” he asks Oliver.

  “In the guest suite. She has everything she needs there.”

  He nods. “I guess I didn’t know it was so bad.”

  “Neither did I,” I say.

  “I suggested Dr. Scott because of his discretion,” Dad continues. “I thought the shock of coming to New York would be enough for you to see you were out of control, but I guess you really were.”

  “Yeah, day one was pretty rough. Nothing like finding out you’re an addict when all you think you are is a slut.”

  Oliver’s jaw twitches. “We’re also working on her self-perception.”

  “Right,” I say, smiling sheepishly.

  “So, you’re happy here?” Mom asks.

  “I am. I feel good and safe and like everything’s gonna be okay now. I might even want to live here for a while.”

  “In New York?” Dad questions.

  “I’ve lived in LA my whole life and everyone knows me there.” I smile. “Or rather they know the old me. New York is a place where I could reinvent myself.”

  “We’ll talk about that later,” he says. “After you come home.”

  “I don’t need your permission.”

  “You do if you want me to pay for it.”

  I clench my jaw. “Maybe I don’t. Maybe I need to grow up in more ways than one and get a job.”

  “A job?” He rolls his eyes. “Doing what?”

  I glance at my mother who looks really uncomfortable, as usual. “I don’t know.”

  “So you think I’m gonna let you move here and live in some closet of an apartment in a bad neighborhood so you can be independent?”

  I glance at Oliver before responding. “One of the things I’ve learned here is that I’m stronger than I give myself credit for. I don’t want to rely on anyone to get through life. Even you, Dad. I realize how blessed I’ve been from a financial standpoint, but I can’t live the rest of my life living off an allowance you give me. That would be such a waste.”

  “You can do that in California.”

  “Okay, well, no decisions have to be made now,” I say, just wanting to end this debate. “It’s gonna take you some time to see me in a different light, but just know that I’m not the same as I was. And I’m really happy about that.”

  Dad squeezes my hand and looks up at Oliver. “Thank you for taking care of her. I feel like you put my family back together.”

  Oliver smiles. “I didn’t. You all did the work. I’m just here to facilitate. Coming here to talk with her was a big step. You all should be proud of what you’ve done today.”

  Dad looks at me and caresses my cheek. “I admire what you’re going through to get better. I know it was a big deal for you to confront me.”

  “Thanks, Dad.”

  “Well,” he says, standing. “Can you recommend any good restaurants, Dr. Scott? We don’t leave again until later tonight.”

  “Certainly.”

  AFTER SAYING GOODBYE to my parents, I sit on the couch in Oliver’s office sipping water. He enters the office after walking them out. Sitting in the arm chair across from me, he smiles.

  “You did great today. How do you feel?”

  “Good. Better than good. I feel like I can do anything if I can stand up to my dad.”

  “How did you feel about his reasoning?”

  I shrug. “It was okay. I guess it just comes down to him not knowing to handle it, so he covered it with shame and anger.”

  “Exactly. And your mother?”

  “She followed his lead because she had no idea what to do, either.”

  “Right. While I don’t make excuses for how they handled it, you can see that they’re just humans too. They messed up and they’re sorry.”

  “I see that.”

  He smiles. “I think you’ve earned the rest of the day off.”

  “Good. I’m all talked out.”

  “I’m really proud of you, Kaia. You were fantastic. No matter what he said, even when he walked out, you stuck to what you needed to say. That takes a lot of courage.”

  “Your encouragement gave me a lot of strength. Thank you for being here for me.”

  “That’s what I do.”

  “Yeah.”

  “Go home. I’ll be there in a few hours.”

  “Can we have dinner together? I just don’t want to be alone tonight.”

  He smiles, slightly. “We can do that.”

  “Thank you.”

  HOURS LATER, I OPEN the door to my home, looking around. Lina comes out from the kitchen a few minutes later.

  “Hello,” she says, brightly. “Dinner is in the oven. I made enchiladas for you.”

  “Really? Special occasion?”

  “I just wanted to. There’s enough to share with Miss Kaia.”

  I tilt my head. “Are you up to something?”

  She shakes her head, grinning. “No, Dr. Scott.”

  “Good. Because she’s a client.”

  “I know.” She pats my chest. “But someday, she won’t be.”

  I roll my eyes, but smile. “Have a good evening, Lina.”

  “Bye.”

  I laugh as I walk down the hall to my bedroom, peeling off my suit. I take a quick shower and throw on a pair of sweats and a t-shirt. After heading to the kitchen, I dish up two plates of steaming hot chicken enchiladas. I pour two glasses of beer, put it all on the tray, and walk down to Kaia’s room.

  Leaning against the door for balance, I tap softly.

  “It’s locked,” she says,
from the other side.

  “Right. Um, do you see the plant in the green vase sitting on the shelf by the door?”

  “Yes.”

  “Look under it.”

  A moment later the door opens. “You put a key in my room?”

  “Just in case we lose one.” I carry the meal over to the table and set it down. “Hungry? Lina made enchiladas.”

  “Ooh, yummy.”

  She follows me to the table and sits down. It’s hard not to look at her tits straining against the material of the flimsy white tank top she wears, her pierced nipple clearly visible. I turn my attention to my food, taking a bite.

  She blows on her fork and then eats. “Mmm, very good.”

  “I agree.” I look up at her, watching her eat. “How was the rest of your day?”

  “Good. I napped and then I swam a few laps.”

  “I’m sorry I missed that.”

  She smiles. “Me too.”

  I watch as she takes a swig of beer, following the liquid down her throat with my eyes.

  “It’s weird what happens when I’m alone with you,” I observe.

  “What do you mean?”

  “It’s so easy to forget. To cross the line.”

  “It’s an imaginary line, Doctor.”

  “It’s not. I would lose my practice if I took you to bed.”

  “Only if I reported you. Only if I didn’t want it.”

  “No, I couldn’t continue to help people when I can’t even control myself.”

  “I want to tell you that I’m sorry for making you feel bad, but at the same time, what can I do about it? We’re attracted to each other and there’s nothing really wrong about that.”

  I stare at my plate for a moment. “I don’t feel bad around you, Kaia.” I look up at her. “I feel amazing around you. And the only thing wrong about it is that you’re my client. My patient.”

  “I can find a new doctor, Oliver. If it’s easier.”

  I shake my head. “See, that’s where it gets hard for me. The logical part knows that’s what I should do. I should end your program with me and recommend you to a colleague.”

  “But?”

  “I can’t let you go. I want you here, and I want to help you. I want to help you as your doctor, but my god, Kaia, as a man, I want you all to myself.”