Break Me Down

by Jennifer Domenico

  “I promise,” I whisper.

  “We’ll figure this out together. The future is whatever we want it to be. As long as you’re in my life, I know that everything’s going to be fine.”

  I nod, laying my head against his chest. Everything is going to be fine.

  “SO,” SHE SAYS AFTER SEVERAL minutes, lying on my chest. “I have things to tell you.”

  “Anything.”

  “I ran into Kyle. The guy from the plane. You remember him?”

  I feel my body tense. “I do. What happened?”

  “It was so weird. It was like remembering something that happened to someone else.”

  “Were you attracted to him?”

  “Not at all. He asked me if we could hang out, and I told him I was in love with someone.”

  I relax and drag my fingers through her hair. “What did that feel like for you?”

  “I knew in that moment that no matter what happened between you and me, that I was gonna be okay. I wasn’t gonna fall back into my old patterns. You did that for me.”

  “You did it, Kaia. You always had it in you. I’m proud of you.” I kiss her hand. “How’s your sex drive been?”

  She looks up at me with a quizzical expression. “What do you mean?”

  “We’ve been apart for a couple of weeks. How have you managed it?”

  She sits up and looks ahead with a blank expression and then smiles. “Oh my god, Oliver.”

  “What?”

  “I haven’t even thought about sex.” She rubs her forehead then shifts to look at me. “It hasn’t been on my mind at all. I’ve just been thinking about how to get back to New York and when I was gonna see you again.”

  “You didn’t need to masturbate or anything?”

  Her face reflects pure awe as she shakes her head. “No. Oh my God,” she repeats.

  I smile and pull her close. “That’s wonderful.”

  “It’s so much more than that. Now I know for sure that I’m better. I’ll never go back to how I was. Is it because I’m in love or is it because I know better?”

  “It’s both, Kaia. You can focus on a healthy relationship, but you also know that the way you did things before wasn’t working for you.”

  “I’m blown away.”

  “I’m happy for you, even if I wasn’t madly in love, this is what I wanted for you. You were without me or any man for two weeks and you were fine.”

  “More than fine. Other than missing you, I was just doing my thing.”

  “The break was good for me too. It made me see that I would do anything, give up everything, just to love you. Now I know that no matter what life dishes out, I can handle it as long as you're by my side.”

  “That makes me happy. You didn’t get over me while I gone.”

  “That’s impossible. Sitting on the plane, I thought about what I would say to you when I saw your sweet face again.” I lean forward kissing her softly. “It was the first time in my life that I considered what the future would be like. I closed my eyes and imagined kneeling down in front of you and committing my life to you. I envisioned standing somewhere beautiful and speaking vows to you. I saw you lying in bed, while I put my head on your tummy and felt our baby kick for the first time.”

  “Oh, Oliver,” she whispers.

  “It was the most perfect fantasy I’ve ever had. I want to make it real, Kaia. I want that life with you.”

  “I do too.”

  “I know you do.” I caress her cheek. “I can’t believe sometimes that you exist and that you were sent to me. I never thought I could be happy. Now, I barely remember what misery feels like. You brushed it all away with your love.”

  She smiles. “Don’t you see that you did the same thing for me?”

  I nod. “I do.”

  “If I’m the sun, Oliver, you’re the moon. Neither one of us can exist without the other.”

  “I love you, Kaia London.”

  “I love you too, Oliver Scott,” she replies, laughing. “Now, let’s get some dinner. Lina will be very disappointed if we skip a meal.”

  “Very true. She’ll be so happy to see you again.”

  “I look forward to that.”

  We stand and walk into her kitchen as she starts taking items from the fridge.

  “I was thinking,” I start. “Maybe we can remodel the guest suite and really keep it for that use. You know, if your parents want to visit some day. Once they get used to us.”

  “That room’s for your special cases.”

  “I’m not going to take those on anymore. I don’t have the energy for it.”

  “That’s not true. You have a gift. You can’t keep it to yourself.”

  “I’ve given it a lot of thought. I could never let another client be in that room. You were the last.” I smile. “Plus, I haven’t told you about this yet, but I was offered my own weekly talk show. I’m thinking about taking it.”

  “But that work isn’t fulfilling for you.”

  “No, it’s not, but it allows me to do work that is.”

  She nods. “I remember that.”

  “I just want to be able to spend time with you, loving you, bowing at your feet.”

  She smiles, as she chops lettuce. “What about your fetish for domination, Doctor? Bowing at my feet sounds awfully submissive.”

  “Figuratively speaking, Miss London. I assure you my fetish is alive and well. We’ve only just begun.”

  “Oh, I know that was just a prelude. I know you’re capable of so much more. I’d like to see what you’re really made of.”

  I smile, holding her gaze. “I would like that very much.”

  “Not as much as I will.”

  I step closer, gripping her chin. “God, you’re fucking perfect.”

  “For you, Oliver. Only you.”

  AFTER DINNER, WE LIE on the couch together. “I have something else to tell you,” I say as I cuddle her closer. “Before I came here, I saw my dad.”

  “What?” She looks up at me. “Seriously?”

  “Yeah. Denise told me he was in California so I looked him up. Turns out he lives just north of Los Angeles. I knew it was the last step I needed in dealing with the past.”

  “How did it go?”

  “Really good. He was happy to see me. We’re gonna work on having a relationship again.”

  “Oh, baby, I’m so happy for you.”

  “I knew you would be. I did it for us. I want to be healthy in all parts of my life so I can be good to you.” I brush my fingers over her cheek. “So I can be a good father someday.”

  “Thank you.”

  “No, Kaia. Thank you.”

  IN THE MORNING, I STAND in my bedroom looking out the window with my arms crossed. I’m so nervous I can hardly stand it. I glance back at Oliver sleeping peacefully. God, he’s so handsome.

  Turning back towards the window, I just can’t stop thinking of the best way to handle this. Part of me just wants to tell dad that he can suck it and I can live my own life, but I don’t want to risk anything bad happening to Oliver because of me.

  A smile settles over my lips as an idea comes to me. It’s so crazy it just might work.

  “Oliver?” I say softly so as not to startle him awake.

  He stirs, rolling towards me, and finally opening his eyes. “Hey, beautiful,” he says, smiling. “Everything okay?”

  “Yep.” I climb back in bed and cuddle close as he wraps his arms around me. “I have an idea on how to handle my dad.”

  “I’m listening.”

  “Remember how he gave me an ultimatum? Spend thirty days with you or lose everything?”

  “I do.”

  “Well, I think it’s time he got a taste of his own medicine. I’m gonna go see him today and tell him he has two choices.”

  “Uh, okay. Let me hear it.”

  “His celebrity trial starts next week. Either he acquiesces and I go to New York quietly, or I hold a press conference and spill all the gory details of my sex addictio
n.”

  Oliver’s brow furrows. “Would you want to do that?”

  “No.” I smile. “I won’t have to. I know for a fact that it won’t come to that. He’d be mortified. It would stir things all over again. He doesn’t want it personally or professionally. It’s simple really.”

  “You know him better than anyone. If you think that’s the way to go, then I support it.”

  “I’ll tell him that I already have a place to stay, and if he wants any semblance of a future relationship with me, he’ll let me go.”

  Oliver nods. “And then how will we handle us?”

  “Easy. Eventually, after an acceptable amount of time, I’ll tell him that we met up as friends and over time, we fell in love. He’ll never be the wiser. He’ll have no ammunition towards us. There’s nothing scandalous about having dinner with a former client.”

  “It’s sounds easy. I hope it really goes that way.”

  “I got this.” I take a deep breath. “I’ll go visit them today and just get it over with. First, I’ll pack and you just be ready to go to the airport.”

  “I’m ready.”

  I kiss his lips softly. “Nothing, not even Christopher London, will keep me from you.”

  He smiles. “I see that. I knew you had this strength in you all along to stand up to him.”

  “It’s time I took back my life. A lot of it’s my fault too. I allowed this to happen with my wild behavior and expensive lifestyle. He knew he had me cornered.” I chuckle softly. “It’s ironic that his attempt to control me is exactly what ended up freeing me.”

  “Very ironic.”

  I pull myself away. “I’ll leave you a key in case you want to go out.”

  “Not necessary. I’ll be fine here until you get back.” He lifts my hand and kisses it. “Remember, Kaia, I love you, and I will take care of you. No matter what your dad does.”

  “I already know that.”

  I walk into the bathroom to prepare for the day. All I can do at this point is hope my calculated risk pays off.

  I KNOCK ON THE DOOR, waiting for Lewis the butler to answer.

  “Hello, Kaia,” he says, smiling. “Good to see you again.”

  “You too, Lewis. Mom and Dad are waiting for me?”

  “In the study.”

  “Thank you.”

  I walk down the long narrow hallway, the sound of my shoes clanking on the hardwood feels unusually loud. I step inside as my parents look up at me.

  Mom smiles as Dad gives me his usual tense head nod.

  “What is this about?” he asks.

  “Hello to you too,” I say, shaking my head. “Would it kill you to be nice?”

  Dad sighs. “Hello.”

  I roll my eyes and sit in the seat next to my mother. “I’ll just get to the point. I came here to give you a choice about how you want to handle the next chapter in my life.”

  “A choice?” he questions.

  “Yep. Here’s the deal. I did what you wanted. I came back to LA, and I sat pretty in front of the press. Everyone knows I’m fine.”

  “Okay,” he says.

  “I’m going back to New York.”

  “Oh really?”

  “Yes, really. I’ve thought about this a lot. You know that from when you visited me. It’s what I want.” He opens his mouth to protest, but I raise my hand to halt him. “Let me finish please.”

  He’s silent as he crosses his arms. “Fine.”

  “I’m going, and I want your support on this.”

  “What’s in New York that is so important to you?”

  “It isn’t LA. I’ve been here my whole life and there’s a lot of baggage here. You think I’ll ever be left alone? Any time I go out, they’ll be watching me, waiting for me to put on a show.”

  “And once you don’t, they’ll move on.”

  “But why should I have to live with that? I made mistakes and I paid for them. I shouldn’t have to for the rest of my life.”

  “And if I don’t support this?” he asks, gritting his teeth. “If I cut you off?”

  “I don’t care about your money. You can keep it. I just want to be free to do whatever I want.” I take a deep breath. “But to answer your question, if you don’t support me, emotionally on this, then…” I pause, unsure if I can follow through on my threat.

  “Then what?”

  I glance at Mom before I answer. “Then I’ll come out with the truth of where I was. I’ll tell them all about my sex addiction. I’ll get interviews and book deals and they’ll ask me questions about you. I’ll tell them about Jim. I’ll tell all of it.”

  Dad pulls his head back, glaring at me. His face turns red with anger. “You wouldn’t. You’d be humiliated.”

  “You forget that I already have been. I’ll be redeemed. Everyone loves a good sob story. Then you’ll be bombarded with questions about me, just like you never wanted. You want me to fade into the background of your life, not making any noise, not drawing any attention. Just like Mom.”

  As I speak, she dabs her teary eyes with a tissue. She won’t say a word, and I know it.

  “So you think you’ve backed me into a corner, don’t you? You think you have the upper hand?”

  “Yes, I do, but isn’t it disgusting that this is how we navigate our relationship? It is to me.”

  “That’s the real reason you want to leave? To get away from me?”

  “It’s certainly on the list.”

  “So the meeting we had in New York, that didn’t mean anything to you?”

  “It did until you showed up and dragged me away, exerting your will over me. I wouldn’t even be here if Oli…” I stop myself from using his first name. “If Dr. Scott hadn’t encouraged me to come back.”

  Dad tilts his head at me, studying my face. “Where do you plan to live?”

  “Dr. Scott extended his guest suite for me until I get a job and get my bearings of the city.”

  “I see.” He clasps his hands together, and I glance at my mom. It’s never good when he does that. “Is that normal? For a doctor to allow a former client to live with him?”

  I sigh. “It’s a guest suite that’s bigger than my current apartment. I have my own kitchen, bathroom, everything.”

  “And what does the good doctor expect in return for his hospitality?”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “Do you think I’m stupid, Kaia? I cross examine people for a living. I have a very strong bullshit meter and it’s going off right now.”

  “I don’t know what you mean.”

  “You have some kind of thing going with him? Or is this whole moving to New York an attempt to start something?”

  “I don’t have to answer you.”

  “Yes, you do.”

  “Why?” I finally stand and pace in front of him for a minute, thinking of what to say next to me. “Why don’t you want me to be happy? What kind of pleasure does it provide you to withhold mine? Do you even know?”

  “Of course I want you to be happy.”

  “On your terms! No one can exist in your world unless they live their life the way you want it. Don’t you see that? Doesn’t it affect you at all that I’m willing to walk away from all of this?” I wave my arms around the room. “I’m willing to leave your life, Dad. I’m willing to struggle financially and figure things out just so I can do it my way. But you can’t stand it. I don’t get it.”

  Dad stares at me with a blank expression. After a moment, he bows his head, looking down at his hands. Mom and I exchange glances, neither of us having any idea how he’s going to react.

  “Go then,” he says, softly. “Leave. I don’t give a fuck.”

  My eyes open wide as I shake my head. “Fine.”

  I rush out of the study and head for the door when I hear my mother’s voice behind me.

  “Kaia, wait.”

  I stop, taking a deep breath, and wait for her to catch up.

  “Can you give me a minute with him before you go?”
/>
  “Why?”

  “Can you just?” Mom takes my hand in hers, rubbing the back of it. “He does want you to be happy, but he’s having a hard time letting you go.”

  “Clearly. I feel like he doesn’t really want a daughter. He wants a puppet.”

  She nods, fighting back tears. “I know.” We sit on the bench in the foyer. “He’s been working on it. We’ve been going to therapy since we left our meeting with you in New York. We both have a lot of guilt and obviously he has control issues.” She pats my hand. “But if you could just let me reason with him for a moment, I’m sure he doesn’t want it to end this way.”

  “Okay, Mom. I’ll wait.”

  “Thank you.” She smiles. “I wish we had been closer when you were young. I feel like I missed so much.”

  I squeeze her hand. “There’s still time, Mom. All you missed were my dark times. Now, you can get to know me for who I am. Dr. Scott helped me see that I was only hurting myself. He taught me that the only path to sanity was forgiveness. The hardest person to forgive was myself. Not you. Not Dad. Not Jim. Me.”

  “But you didn’t do anything wrong.”

  “I didn’t see it that way. I thought I allowed it, encouraged it. Wanted it even. I felt like it was my fault it continued, because I stayed silent. I thought I deserved it.” I smile. “I didn’t see that I was just a child who didn’t understand. Now I do. Once my eyes were opened to the truth, it was easy to forgive. Jim was sick. Dad was hurt. You felt guilty, and I was just a baby that got caught up in it all. I grew up more in the few weeks I was in New York than I did in all my twenty-four years on this planet. I want to move on now, all of us, but I can’t if Dad can’t learn to let me go.” I look up and blink away tears. “I need him to understand.”

  “I’ll do my best. Be right back.”

  I nod as she walks away, sitting on the foyer in the hall. I have no idea what she could say to him that’s going to change this. After what seems like an eternity, Mom walks out.