Instead of You

by Anie Michaels

  But for some reason, Hayes and I spending this one night in different cities felt more important than it should have. It was foreboding. It was a bigger divide than even I was comfortable with, but I thought it was important, for so many reasons.

  When Holly came to pick me up, I’d replaced all my homework in my bag with an extra change of clothes, and I’d managed to find our two-person tent in the garage, along with a sleeping bag. I didn’t know if Becca would be sharing my tent or not, so I brought an extra bag just in case. We loaded Holly’s car—lucky for us her parents had gotten her a small SUV when she turned seventeen—and we headed to Becca’s, where we spent more time than we should have getting her ready for her party date.

  “You look great,” I said for the millionth time, with forced enthusiasm. The truth was, she looked amazing, but she always did. The last ten outfits she’d put on had looked awesome, but she and Holly hadn’t been satisfied. She was wearing black leggings with a short denim skirt, and a loose purple sweater that hung off one of her shoulders. They’d originally tried the outfit without the leggings, but then I reminded them that we were, indeed, going to be outside all night, sitting on low logs, climbing in and out of tents. So, they’d added the leggings even though it covered up what Becca thought was her best asset.

  Holly and I were in traditional campout wardrobe: Jeans, t-shirts, and hoodies. I had no one to impress and Todd would take Holly in a paper sack, so she wasn’t worried about her outfit either.

  “Are you sure?” Becca asked, her voice nervous.

  “Becca, he’s going to think you look awesome. And you don’t want to look out of place, you know, like you’re trying too hard. You can’t exactly wear a clubbing dress to a campout,” I offered, trying to make her see reason.

  “She’s right,” Holly agreed. “Plus, if you take too long getting ready, we’ll be more than fashionably late.”

  “Okay, okay,” Becca said, convincing herself she looked all right. She was crazy. Jacob would lose his mind when he saw her hair and the way the loose sweater draped over her frame, hinting at what lay beneath without being revealing or scandalous. I thought her outfit was perfect.

  “Time to go,” I shouted.

  We grabbed all our belongings and headed downstairs and out the door.

  I sat on a log taking a wide sweep of my surroundings. The Holstater compound was enormous, and essentially out in the middle of nowhere. There was no cell service, no electricity, and no bathrooms. If you were looking for a four-star resort, the Holstater compound was not your place. But, for a bunch of teenagers, it was perfect. Ryan had met us at his house, where there were no less than thirty cars parked in the field right next door, and pointed us toward the path leading down to the campsite.

  It was about a half-mile hike, all downhill, only accessible by the quads Ryan and his friend were operating, hauling down everyone’s belongings. At the bottom of the trail was a large open area, almost like a sandy meadow, surrounded by trees on three sides, the fourth side being a river. Swimming wasn’t really a thing, because, well, gators, but it was always nice to listen to the rushing of the water when you were trying to fall asleep in your tent.

  The warmth of the fire kept me content on the log, watching as my friends enjoyed themselves. Becca and Jacob were on the other side of the fire, sitting close on a log, knees touching, their faces smiling and animated as they laughed with Holly and Todd. Holly was sitting on Todd’s lap, and he was in heaven. Holly carried Todd’s world in the palm of her hand, and he didn’t want it any other way. I watched as he would absentmindedly run his hand down her back, wrap a hand around her waist, touching her without thinking about it. It was sweet and I smiled knowing Holly had a true kind of love, something tangible, something fulfilling.

  I felt the log shake and dip, then heard the grunt of someone landing next to me.

  “Hey, McKenzie, glad you could make it.”

  Nathan’s words were delivered with a slimy tone, as if I were there for some reason besides to hang out with my friends. I chose not to respond and instead, brought the red plastic cup in my hand to my mouth, taking a long, slow, drink.

  “Whatcha drinking?” His words were slurred slightly, which made me want to roll my eyes.

  “The same thing everyone else with a red cup is drinking.”

  “You mean that jungle juice shit?” He scoffed. “I’ve got some good stuff in my tent if you’d rather drink something that doesn’t taste like lighter fluid.”

  “I’m fine.”

  “Why the hell did you even come if you’re just going to sit around by yourself and be a bitch?”

  I finally turned my head and looked at him, noticing the bottle in his hand covered with a brown paper bag. “I’m not sitting here by myself,” I said, motioning to the fifteen people sitting around the big bonfire. “But I definitely didn’t come to the party to be hauled off to your date rape tent.”

  “You’ve always been a stuck-up bitch. I thought, maybe, since your boyfriend got shot, you’d be looking to relax a little.”

  His words caught me completely off guard, shocked me like a bomb had gone off right in my face, I nearly fell backward from the force of his words. Before I could recover, I heard Todd’s angry voice from right beside me.

  “Leave her alone, Nathan.”

  I was being pulled to my feet by Holly and Becca, while Jacob went to stand beside Todd.

  “Oh, you guys are going to come to her rescue? Good luck, she’s a frigid tease. Everyone knows Cory never got anything from you. He was probably glad to be killed to get out of having to put up with your shit.”

  “What’s your problem, man? You got nothing better to do than harass girls at a party? Go back to your booze tent and get bent.” Jacob’s voice was just as angry as Todd’s. I was on the other side of the bonfire, watching as the orange flames licked the images of all three boys. Then Ryan walked into the scene, taking sides with Todd and Jacob.

  “Man, I let you come because I didn’t want to deal with keeping you away, but you can’t be a dick. Either shut up, or we’ll drive your ass back up the hill.”

  I watched as Nathan stared down the trio of guys. Then, in a literal flash, he threw his bottle of liquor into the fire. The loud explosion and burst of flames made Holly, Becca, and I scream, clinging to each other, and everyone else around the fire scattered. Without even a moment’s hesitation, Ryan and the other two guys grabbed Nathan and dragged him back to where the quads were waiting. We could hear Nathan yelling and swearing all the way up the hill.

  I collapsed back onto the log, hands covering my face, trying to hide the tears that had escaped and were trailing down my cheeks. Holly and Becca both took seats on either side of me, one of them with her arm around me, the other rubbing my knee tenderly. I wasn’t sure which was which, but it didn’t matter. They were there, trying to comfort me.

  “Kenzie, don’t let that asshole get into your head. Cory loved you. He would have kicked his ass if he were here.”

  Those words were true. Cory never would have let anyone talk to me that way, say those horrible things about me. He’d always protected me. Even back in third grade when Ray Samuels would chase me around the playground and pull my pigtails. Cory pushed him down and told him to leave me alone. He’d always looked out for me.

  “I know,” I said through a sniffle.

  “And don’t believe what he said about you. Just because you never had sex with him doesn’t mean you’re frigid or a tease.”

  “Holly!” Becca exclaimed. “Damn it, don’t say shit like that to her right now.”

  “I’m just trying to help.”

  “Guys, I’m fine,” I said, wiping my cheeks with the palm of my hand. “Nathan is a jerk. And he doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I was just caught off guard by his words. I didn’t expect to be verbally assaulted around the campfire.”

  “Kenz,” Becca said softly, her hand rubbing a small circle near the top of my back. “It’s okay if you�
��re not fine. He said some pretty horrible shit.”

  “Listen, Cory was a normal seventeen-year-old guy. He wanted to have sex,” I said, my voice dropping to a whisper at the end of the sentence. “But he never pressured me, and he never expected it. Can we just drop it now?”

  “Sure,” Holly said.

  “I’m going to go for a walk.”

  “We’ll come with you,” Becca said, standing with me and Holly following suit. I sighed, really wanting to be alone, but I knew the woods at night in the middle of nowhere wasn’t a smart place to find some alone time.

  We walked down the riverbed, keeping about ten feet between us and the water because, gators, and also we didn’t want our feet getting wet. Holly and Becca were talking, dissecting every word Jacob had said to Becca, every move he made, and searching for evidence to substantiate the fact that he was totally crazy for her. I heard their words, their voices floating over the sounds of the water rushing by, and let myself get a little lost in the darkness of my mind.

  My thoughts were centered on Cory. Nathan’s words had stirred a proverbial pot I’d been happy to let rest for the last two weeks, but I couldn’t ignore the wave of thoughts and emotions that were flowing through me.

  If Cory and his father hadn’t been killed that night, my life would be so different in that moment. I couldn’t help but think about what would have happened that night, that week, the rest of the year, if Cory were still here. All of it was good, I wanted a life for Cory, wanted him here with me, but now, looking back, I don’t want him in that same capacity. I wanted to grab a hold of aspects of him, tiny slivers of the friend I had in him, and remember those parts best. But he was also my boyfriend. That part caused me the most trouble.

  It was late, the moon was hiding behind some clouds and trees, and there were no lights besides the sparkling stars that managed to peek out from behind those clouds. Darkness was simply everywhere. I could hardly see the ground in front of me, and that notion was mirrored in my mind—darkness. My life with Cory would have been dark in some ways, in the best ways and the worst. I didn’t want to live in that world, and I would never know if I would have had the courage to end it, to tell Cory I wasn’t in love with him and would never be.

  The weight of my thoughts pressed down on me, slowed me down, and I heard my friends’ voices drifting farther and farther away.

  With troubling thoughts trampling through my brain, heartbeat racing and pounding through me, hands shaking, breath hitching, I finally just collapsed to the ground, panic taking over. I pulled up my knees, wrapped my arms around them, and dropped my head into the crook created there. I focused on breathing, trying to tame the flow of thoughts.

  It only took a few moments for Holly and Becca to realize I wasn’t with them anymore, and I heard them coming back.

  “McKenzie, what is it?” Becca asked, kneeling down next to me. “Holly, call someone.”

  “I don’t have any service,” she replied frantically.

  “Kenz, what’s wrong?” Now Becca sounded scared too.

  “I’m okay, I just need a minute,” I managed, a hoarse whisper croaking from me.

  “Are you freaking out because Nate wanted to get you drunk and molest you?”

  Becca screamed, “Holly!” and the very same time I let out an enormous laugh. I laughed until I cried. Holly was a handful sometimes, but I never wanted her to have a filter installed. The thoughts and words that came out of her sometimes were the best parts of my day. Like right then.

  “Holly, oh my God, you’re just so wacked,” I said through the sputtering end of my laughter.

  “What?” she asked innocently, because she had no idea why her question was inappropriate. “Besides, you’re the one on the ground having a breakdown.”

  Her words weren’t as unkind as they seemed, I knew her well enough to realize she wasn’t trying to be rude. And anyway, she had a point.

  “Why are you on the ground having a breakdown?” Becca asked, sitting down next to me, probably ruining her favorite denim skirt.

  I didn’t know what to tell them. My heart was telling me to just be honest. Or, as honest as I could be.

  “What would you guys say if I told you….” My heart thundered in my chest.

  “Whatever it is, Kenz, you can tell us,” Holly said softly from her seat next to me on the ground, redeeming herself.

  “Yeah, you’re scaring me. Just spit it out,” Becca demanded.

  “I was never in love with Cory.” I said the words, finally said the words to someone besides Hayes. The truth was heavy when you tried to keep it inside. And although I wasn’t completely weightless, the words definitely took some pressure off. I let out a loud sigh, immediately glad I’d let the truth out.

  “Wait. What?” Becca asked.

  “I was never in love with him. I had nothing beyond really affectionate, friendly feelings toward him. He was my very, very best friend, but I wasn’t in love with him.”

  “But…,” Becca stammered. “But you were with him for two years. You guys, like, did stuff.”

  I shrugged, even though I knew they couldn’t see me very well. “I know. I’ll probably never be able to fully explain our relationship, but I never wanted to hurt him, and I thought maybe, someday, I’d fall in love with him. I thought maybe I was a late bloomer.”

  “You were just going to be with him until, when? Forever? Because you hoped you’d one day, maybe, eventually fall in love with him?” This came from Becca, and I was a little surprised at how upset she sounded.

  “I wasn’t 100 percent aware of how I felt until he was gone, Becca. I loved him, I did. So much. More than anything. But I can’t explain the amount of relief that came with his death. I’ll never be able to forgive myself for that, but it happened.”

  “Wow,” Holly whispered. “That must be really hard for you.”

  I nodded, once again wiping away a tear rolling over my cheek. “I was never untrue to him, and I never stayed with him for any reason other than, well, because I wanted to be in love with him. I hoped every day that I would wake up and that one piece that was missing would just fall into place. But it never did.” A sob broke free and my head dropped back into my little hiding spot. “I would never have hurt him on purpose.”

  “God, Kenz, this is crazy. We all thought you guys were the real deal. Like, house, kids, dogs. The forever kind of thing.”

  “I know.” Everything she said was everything I’d tried to give Cory. I’d wanted him to have whatever he wanted, even if I couldn’t love him the way he loved me. I’d have done anything for him. “If he hadn’t died, that’s what would have happened, Becca. I would have been with him forever. Half of me thinks I would have been okay with that. But now, the other part of me who realizes fully what was going on, the terrible part of my brain, is actually thankful he died.” I let out a cry as more sobs broke free. I hadn’t cried this hard since the first night we lost him.

  “Oh, Kenzie,” Holly said, wrapping her arm around me and putting her mouth right next to my ear. “You’re not thankful he died, that’s ridiculous. You’re thankful that you don’t have to force yourself to live a lie anymore, and that’s understandable. You loved Cory, we all know that. No one could deny that. But just because you can imagine a life without him doesn’t mean you’re glad he’s gone.”

  “I’m not glad he’s gone,” I said quietly, knowing it was the truth. But I couldn’t help but question whether I wanted to go back to how it was before. Knowing what life could be like with Hayes, what just a glance from him could make me feel, I wasn’t sure I could have gone back to the life I had with Cory. I was also glad, in a terrible, terrible way, that I didn’t have that choice. I didn’t have to choose between Cory and Hayes and I would probably forever be grateful for that.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Hayes

  The meeting with my cohorts was exactly as I expected, and was very similar to all the meetings we’d had since the beginning of the program. The only
difference was, this was the first one I’d been able to attend since Cory and my father were killed. I’d missed a couple and thankfully my advisor was very accommodating, but it was nice to have something to do back in Bellingham, nice to go back to a physical place that didn’t hold any bad or confusing memories.

  As I’d expected, my advisor, Donna Hunter, had explained my situation to the other cohorts, so when I approached the table at the café we always met at, I was received with a lot of sympathetic expressions. Everyone expressed their condolences, and once they were convinced I wasn’t going to break down and cry, the meeting moved along as all the others had before it.

  Aside from Donna, there were five other students in my group, all of us at the same point in the process of obtaining our master’s in education and our teaching license. The meetings served as a way for us students to talk about our in-classroom experiences, bounce ideas off each other, and decompress if needed. I’d been pretty lucky to be grouped with five pretty awesome students, and Donna was probably the best advisor I could have asked for.

  After the official meeting was over, Donna asked me to stay behind. I said good-bye to all my fellow students and waited for Donna to dive into whatever she wanted to discuss.

  “I hope you didn’t mind me telling the others about your situation.” Her words were compassionate and worried.

  “It’s fine. I’m sure everyone was wondering why I’d been gone for so long, missed so many meetings.”

  She nodded. “They were. But they were also glad when I told them you wanted to continue with the program despite the tragedy. How is your classroom going? Are you handling everything all right?”