I Like You

by Amy Sedaris

  Use the extra batter to make a variety of cupcakes and frost as desired.

  CHOCOLATE CAKE

  Follow recipe for Parent/Teacher Yellow Cake. Add 2 melted squares of baking chocolate to the butter and sugar mixture.

  SPICE CAKE

  Follow recipe for Parent/Teacher Yellow Cake. Add 1 teaspoon of cinnamon, ½ teaspoon of cloves, and ½ teaspoon of nutmeg to the flour mixture.

  When You Get to Play Nurse

  I wanted to be a nurse because I liked the TV show Julia and I also liked how black nurses got to dress. Growing up, our next-door neighbor was a roaming nurse, and she would go into old people’s homes and give pelvic exams because they had a hard time getting to the doctor’s office. She would gather all the children in the neighborhood and show us educational sex education film-strips. She always had these plastic see-through round stackable containers the size of crab cakes in her refrigerator to keep patients’ throat cultures in (see What Not to Put in Your Refrigerator). She had a habit of putting her hands on her hips and wiggling them around. It was fun to imitate her and it felt good to know that a nurse lived next door. Maybe this is why I like to play nurse. And nothing gives you a better opportunity to play nurse than entertaining for sick people.

  At first thought, it might seem like a difficult challenge entertaining sick people, and this is confirmed with a second and even third thought. But in my eyes it’s an opportunity to play nurse. I’ll even go as far as to wear my nurse outfit, just to lighten things up. Anybody could entertain a room full of young, attractive, healthy people, but get a room full of sick people together and you’ve got a tough audience. We all know someone who’s ill. Whether the illness is mental, emotional, physical, or psychosomatic, these fun-starved undesirables have as much right to entertainment as the healthy.

  Before your festively frail guest or guests arrive, make sure you create an environment that feels warm and safe, almost womb-like. Turn down the phone, cover your clocks, and keep the lights dim. Put away your Judy Collins tape, razor blades, and rainstorm sound machines. Get yourself in the proper mood. Accept that this party is over before it even begins, because when you are dealing with sick people seldom does the evening ever gel into anything that could even remotely be called a party. Make sure you have a complete first-aid kit in your home. Make sure the address to your home is visible from the street so the ambulance can find it easily (also good for the elderly).

  I recently stabbed myself in the nose with a 3-in-1 tool and I didn’t have an ice bag. I was forced to quickly create one by filling a dish towel with ice, cutting up a pair of pantyhose and tying together the loose ends to secure the ice on my face, bandit style. The one plus of my makeshift ice bag was that because it was fastened to my head, I could walk around with it and finish my scraping. If you do find you are in a situation where you need an ice bag and you’ve neglected to make sure one was in your kit, a frozen bag of peas will do in a pinch. This is also good to cradle between your legs for soreness.

  Most importantly, when entertaining the infirm, be prepared to listen. Whether your guest had a relationship that has just gone south or a recent cranioplasty, they’re going to want to talk about it. Take advantage of this time to do your own thinking. Sharpen your ability to look concerned while thinking of other things.

  Steer away from jolly drinks, such as Singapore Slings, Daiquiris, or Mai Tais. You don’t want anything too playful. Often these people want to spend some quality time dwelling on their problems and don’t want to be reminded that there are happier things in life. You’re gonna have to go to their side of the room, the basement.

  It’s good to serve comfort food, like Rice Krispies Treats. Leave them on a table and don’t push them too hard. They’re there if your guests want them.

  Nonny’s Rice is another good food suggestion. This recipe is perfect for comforting someone who doesn’t feel safe (see page 240).

  I will have my peanut bowl full, 25-cent cup-cakes on the table, a nice jar of colorful candy, especially for ex-heroin addicts and alcoholics (they love colorful candy), and I’ll put out lots of ashtrays. Keep a pack of cigarettes in your freezer, because these are the type of guests that will get even more depressed when they run out and there is no backup. They’re apt to jump out a window. Avoid asking your guests a lot of questions, such as: “Do you want another drink?” or “Are you hungry?” The last thing these people want to do is make decisions or be interrupted during the story you’ve heard for the fifth time. Food and beverages should just appear.

  Smell sells. I’ll bake cupcakes an hour before my sick guests arrive so the house smells familiar and comforting, unless they’ve just broken up with a pastry chef. In that case either serve flammable food, or none at all. I also have a lot of fake meat displayed in my apartment. I find placing a sheet of tin foil on top is a good trick because they’ll think it just came from the oven and it will give them a cozy home feeling. Have plenty of tissues nearby, but don’t make it obvious. Never encourage tears. One time, I was in a car with a girl who was crying and driving at the same time. It was like driving in a rainstorm without wipers.

  Never steal a sick person’s pills. Apparently, it agitates the sick when their limited stash of doctor-prescribed narcotics is missing. Even though you’d been a gracious host, listened to their endless droning, and allowed them to stay way past an appropriate time, they scream at you over a few lousy pills. Granted, you never asked for any compensation for putting up with them for a whole evening, but I think it’s understood that there should be some. Hell, what psychiatrist is going to accept four or five hydrocodone as payment for an eight and a half hour session? I was offering them a bargain.

  If a person has a serious illness and cannot function without your help it will be necessary to prepare a sick room (see “Long-Term Care,” page 161).

  It is important to remember that most people feel uneasy spending time with someone they know is sick, especially if the person’s illness is a mental illness, and this is unfortunate because sick people often feel abandoned and neglected. Once you yourself have experienced being sick and know what it’s like to depend on someone’s help, you’ll know exactly what to do when you get to play nurse.

  RICE KRISPIES TREATS

  1½ bags of small marshmallows

  4 tablespoons margarine

  6 cups Rice Krispies Cereal

  Melt margarine and marshmallows (1 bag). Add cereal and remaining marshmallows and form in a 9 x 13 inch greased pan. (Use greased waxed paper to help form mixture into pan.) Pat the mixture so it is good and tight. Let it cool and cut into squares or diamond shapes.

  Long-Term Care

  How to Fix a Sick Room

  When playing nurse to a long-term patient, you will want to set up a sick room. The sick room should be clean, attractive, and empty of small accessories that are distracting. If the room has a fan, attach colorful streamers to it so your patient can see them come alive. If you have a plant or flowers in the room, remove them at night so you can freshen them up for the morning. You don’t want anything dying in the sick room. If you have a TV set, don’t put it high up in the corner like a hospital. Make sure the TV has a remote. On the bedside table, there should be a bell to summon help. You can make your own bedside tea bell (see page 162). Your goal is to make your patient as comfortable as possible and you can do that without draining your jars of money.

  You need fresh pillowcases every day because they can get soiled (also applies to alcoholics, see page 86). The bed may need extra protection so you might want to use a plastic or a rubber sheet (also applies to alcoholics, see page 86). It might be a good idea to make a waste disposal bag that you can hang on the side of the bed for used tissues, banana peels, or other disposables. The bag should be taken away every day and set on fire. If you don’t have a bed tray and you want to feed your patient in bed, you can make one. Find a cardboard box that looks like it would be big enough to cover their hips. Cut out sections allowing the tab
le to fit over the patient’s body. Cut small holes on the sides for handles. You can decorate the box by painting it or covering it in sticky shelf paper or cotton balls. You can make a footrest by taking that same box and putting it at the end of the bed so they can rest their feet against it. When I see those little white paper cups for ketchup in fast-food restaurants, I take a few. They’re free. Next time you need an aspirin try putting it in a small white cup before you ingest it; this will really make you feel like a sick person. Also, next time you’re in a doctor’s office, snag a few urine sample cups. They make great gifts and are fun to have on display in your bathroom.

  As far as food goes, you might be following doctor’s orders, but regardless, try to make the food colorful and as easy to eat in bed as possible. Put something attractive on the tray, like a flower with googly eyes on it or a pinecone that’s been dipped in glitter.

  Try to be as entertaining as possible because if a sick person gets bored they might try to entertain themselves and often they don’t have the strength to do this. Read to them, give them books on tape, sharpen pencils, decorate clothespins, make jewelry out of potatoes and carrots (see “Jewelry Making,” pages 280–281), toss a balloon back and forth. If your patient is a sick woman, you can boost her morale with lipstick and colorful nails. If your patient is a man, try a shave and a new hairstyle.

  When you are going to see a doctor, wear loose-fitting clothes so it’s easy to roll up your sleeves.

  When going to see a dentist, remove your lipstick.

  A nurse told me once that patients tend to do better around the same time they were born, so if you were born at night chances are you will feel better at night.

  Pez holders are great for holding hydrocodone, just pull back the head and take what is being presented to you.

  THE TEA BELL

  Find a metal can with a tight lid. Put a tooth in it. Cover the can back up and shake it when you need something or when you need help. You can make the can pretty by painting it, or use sticky shelf paper. Other suggestions for the contents are: dice, dried beans, marbles, dimes, or buttons.

  To feel how frustrating it must feel to not be heard when needing help, take the contents out of the can and shake it. It’s a horrible feeling.

  Gift Suggestions for the Bedridden

  Stamps

  Sack of oranges

  Change your medicine chest from herbal remedies to something that works—fast-acting, no-nonsense pharmaceuticals.

  SLEEP AIDS

  Exchange valerian root for BENZODIAZEPINES.

  ENERGY AIDS

  Exchange ginseng for AMPHETAMINES.

  MUSCLE RELAXANTS

  Exchange lobelia for DIAZEPAM.

  ANTIANXIETY

  Exchange skullcap or kava root for ALPRAZOLAM.

  Gypsy

  It’s easy to admire the lifestyle of gypsies, a colorful and spirited people with the ability to pull up stakes and hit the road at a moment’s notice. Usually that notice is served by either the authorities or angry townspeople, for gypsies also tend to be a filthy, dirty, thieving people. That’s the word on the street, anyway. When you are called upon to take your party on the road, be it to a picnic, a friend’s house or a relative stuck in bed, it helps to think like a gypsy. You must pack lightly, but efficiently. Just like a hobo, another lovable scamp, you’ll need a completely portable party that can be wrapped in a handkerchief and tied to the end of a stick. You can never count on finding what you need once you arrive at your destination, so you must be covered. One time I lugged everything needed to prepare a three-course meal to a friend’s house, with the exception of cinnamon. She assured me that she had some. Soon after I arrived and started cooking I discovered that what she thought was cinnamon was actually cayenne pepper. My rice pudding tasted like a sweet Spanish risotto. We still aren’t speaking. Many times I go to people’s homes to cook for them because they seldom cook for themselves. I never expect these people to have the things they say they have. They could confuse a bay leaf with a vanilla bean only because they both come in jars. They might mistake shaved wax for coconut, or mashed potatoes with ice cream. The list goes on. They are often clueless about the kitchen, so when cooking in others’ homes, be sure to bring knives, pans, ladles, cutting boards, foil, Saran Wrap, paper towels, and dish soap. Don’t assume the butter they have in their refrigerator is fresh or actually butter. Bring your own fresh ingredients. Also think about the containers you’re using. You might not want to put potato salad in a sandwich bag or use film canisters for ketchup and mustard; this will make the food less desirable. Respect your food. Also, respect your containers: you don’t want to put a stool sample in a coffee cup.

  If you are one of the people who doesn’t know how to cook, and someone is coming over to your house to cook for you, be courteous enough to empty your sink of dirty dishes. Maybe straighten up the house a bit, and check that you have toilet paper. Gypsies and hobos don’t ask for much.

  Because gypsies are known to have tin cups and cans hanging off their belts I have included some simple outdoor recipes you can make using these rustic utensils.

  When hand-washing the delicates, add a ½ cap of chlorine bleach to a basin full of creek water to keep the whites white.

  BILLY GOAT TIN CAN POTATO STEW

  First thing you want to do is put your name on the can so you don’t confuse it with somebody else’s can.

  Find two zipper-size pieces of bacon to line the bottom of the can. On top of the bacon, layer all the vegetables you can gather, like onions, tomatoes, carrots, celery, potatoes, and green beans. If you are fortunate enough to come across ground beef you’ll want to add this as well.

  Place can on an open fire and cook for 25 minutes, adding a little water or wine if it’s cooking too fast. This works best when the can has some sort of lid, so look for a can that has its lid still connected.

  POTATOES COOKED IN A TIN CAN

  Take one of the larger cans offyour belt and fi ll it with some dirt. Find a potato and bury it in that dirt so the potato doesn’t touch the sides of the can. Place on top of an open fire and cook for 45–55 minutes. This also works best when the can has a lid or some tin foil placed on top.

  PICKPOCKET’S POCKET STEW

  Take a piece of foil and wrap it around beef, potatoes, onions, and carrots and place in the embers of a campfire. Cook for 25 minutes. This is good for other combinations as well, like hot dogs and onions, and hot dogs and hot dogs.

  TOAST ON A STICK

  Place a piece of bread on the end of your stick and hold it over an open fire until it looks tanned.

  “HIT THE TRAIL” TRAIL MIX

  Mix any combinations of nuts, berries, and seeds to take on your journey. Place in bandana and tie to a stick. May also include chocolate morsels.

  GIMME SOMEMORES

  You’ll need chocolate bars, graham crackers, and marshmallows. Make a sandwich with the chocolate and graham crackers. Toast a marshmallow. Put it in the sandwich on top of the chocolate and press.

  SALAD ON THE RUN WHEN RIDING THE RAILS

  Steal an apple off a tree, cut the top off and core it. Fill the hole with nuts and raisins and chocolate morsels and then replace the top.

  If you are going to be traveling with a large group, it is best to meet up at dinner so you have something to talk about. Skip breakfast; you’ll just get roped into touring caves and shallow-water snorkeling.

  The Nature Trail

  Vodka is distilled from potatoes.

  Sassafras plant is used in making root beer.

  Mushrooms don’t need sun to grow.

  The Spanish Lady mushroom is called such because it resembles a flamingo skirt. It grows like a counter on trees.

  Snakes can’t hear.

  Black snakes are nice—they eat rats and keep copperheads away.

  Worms don’t have legs.

  Only female wasps can sting.

  Bears walk on their toes and heel.

  Moss always grow
s on the north side of a tree.

  Maple wood doesn’t splinter.

  Rhubarb leaves make a light-green-colored dye.

  Saffron makes the brightest of golds.

  Dandelion greens make magenta.

  THE GYPSY (BANDIT STYLE, ON THE ROCKS)

  1½ jiggers of vodka

  1½ teaspoons of orange juice

  1½ teaspoons of fresh lemon juice

  ½ jigger of Bénédictine liqueur

  Shake with ice and strain. Pour over rocks. Garnish a chilled glass with an orange slice.

  If you form a teepee with your hands over your nose, you’ll block your view and simulate the perspective of a prey animal’s eyesight, kind of.

  Actors and gypsies are a lot alike. They always come sniffing around at dinnertime for a free meal or a glass of wine.

  Poison ivy—leaves of 3 let it be, leaves of 5 will get you high.

  Gift Ideas for Gypsies

  Compass

  Can opener

  Shoe inlays

  Hairpins

  Waterproof matches

  Trail mix

  Corkscrew

  “It’s not your fault” lice comb

  For more of a gourmet gypsy recipe, see Oxtail Ragout on page 256.

  Price Chompers

  Growing up, every fall my brothers and sisters and I would turn the basement into a movie theater and charge the children in the neighborhood 25 cents to watch the Wizard of Oz or To Kill a Mockingbird when they would be shown on television. We’d serve simple snacks and beverages, and then kick everybody out once the movie ended. This laid the groundwork for what was eventually to become Price Chompers, a discount in-home movie theater experience.