I Like You

by Amy Sedaris

As far as I’m concerned, entertaining and television never go together. I immediately shut down if I’m at someone’s house and a guest flips on the TV “to catch the score” or to see a favorite celebrity on a talk show. If the television is going to be on, then that should be the focus of the evening. The best part of Price Chompers is it’s a wonderful way to entertain if you’re not in the mood to talk. If you know a lot of people that you like but have a hard time finding something in common with, then watching a movie is perfect because it gives you something to talk about afterward.

  I like to have Price Chompers in the fall when the weather starts to change. This is the perfect time to turn my home into a discount movie theater. I always have a theme and plan to show at least a couple of films. If it’s the month of October and Halloween is near, I pick scary movies. Or maybe I’ll have a special selection of Jane Fonda movies and call it “Jane Fondling Nights.” I may even serve fondu.

  To prepare for Price Chompers, I set up my living room with comfortable chairs and get out my TV dinner trays. If you have a pull-down movie screen that is great because it really gives the room a movie theater feel. I like to make my own movie tickets to sell to my friends at discount prices. Admission is open to all, although I do ask ticket buyers to arrive freshly shampooed because it’s my experience that most discount venues tend to smell like dirty hair.

  As guests arrive, I dim the lights and play organ music to make their entrance seem dramatic. I set up an easel announcing what films will be screened and use my ironing board as a concession stand where I sell budget candy, popcorn, and drinks.

  Before the feature starts, I show “appeteasers” to warm up the audience. This can be anything you’ve collected that can be projected and is only a few minutes long. It could be highlights from a family vacation, a clip from a favorite TV show, footage of an in-home operation, or something educational like propaganda fi lms. After the “appeteasers” program, I have a five-minute intermission where I serve the type of meal that doesn’t require one to see it to eat it. Remember, your guests will be eating in the dark. At the climax of the movie, just before the important facts are revealed, I like to start vacuuming just to remind the audience that this is, after all, a discount theater.

  Meat Loaf

  Corn on the Cob

  Pumpkin Pie Or Icy Dessert

  CORN ON THE COB

  Boil corn in water for just 2 minutes or so. Roll in stick of butter. If you boil with a little sugar the corn won’t be tough.

  MEAT LOAF

  Meat loaf has a lot of variations so be creative and change it up.

  1-½ pounds of beef

  3 tablespoons of Parmesan cheese

  2 eggs

  Parsley

  Salt and pepper

  Worcestershire sauce

  1 onion, chopped

  1 garlic clove, crushed

  Mix about 2 cups of breadcrumbs with ¾ cups of milk

  Ketchup

  Slices of red onion (keep intact so they are large disks)

  Red wine, eyeball it, about ½ cup (optional)

  Mix everything together in one big bowl. Mix it really well using your hands. Add as much ketchup as desired to this mixture. Form into a loaf or ring pan, or make a shape and bake it in a large pan. Top meat loaf with the red onions and bake for 45 minutes at 350 degrees F. You can substitute bacon slices for the onion. All ingredients can vary.

  ICY DESSERT

  Cut an orange in half, scoop out the insides and replace with your favorite ice cream or sherbet. You can’t put it down . . . literally.

  These Are a Few of My Favorite Moments in Movies that Involve Food

  In ~e Autobiography of Miss Jane Pittman when Jane and her family are eating rice pudding out of bowls using wooden spoons, the sound the spoon makes against that bowl is one of my favorite sounds. I like to recreate it when I make my rice pudding (see page 52).

  In the movie Trilogy of Terror it’s obvious Karen Black’s character knows nothing about cooking when she goes into the kitchen, takes out that cookie sheet, places some chicken on the sheet and cuts it up, and then puts the sheet in the oven and turns it on.

  Best example of preplanning a meal is in Coming Home when Jane Fonda has Jon Voight over for dinner. The minute she walks in she takes a blender of margaritas out of the freezer, blends it some more, pours it in pre-prepared chilled glasses, explains the device that has been cooking the meal all day (Crock-Pot), and walks into another room where the table has been preset.

  A perfect example of what 15 minutes before a party is like for a hostess is in the opening of Mike Leigh’s episode “Abigail’s Party” for the British TV show Play for Today. A perfect example of unexpected guest is in the Cassavetes movie, A Woman Under the Influence when Gena Rowlands entertains a table of firemen.

  Meat Loaf Wreath

  Clubs

  I love clubs. Well, mostly I like starting them up. I am currently the president of four clubs. As president, I’ve discovered one must be very selective when accepting members. Attempting to join one of my clubs is no different than trying to join a private country club. Sometimes there is a long waiting list. Occasionally it’s restricted. If you fail to get into one of my clubs, don’t try to force your way in, start your own club. If I am confident you are not going to be accepted into my club you can be sure I am going to subject you to a lengthy and complicated application process, because the only thing I like as much as starting up a club is sending encouraging rejection letters. Here is a sampling of rules a member of one of my clubs might have to adhere to:

  • Nonrefundable initiation fee

  • Regular and generous contributions to my “vacation fund jar” (see page 187)

  • No pets, unless it’s mine

  • No running unless you have scissors in your mouth

  • No horseplay

  • Must show pass

  • No radios, TV, or lyrics to listen to

  • Bring your own towels

  • No guests, unless it’s been okayed

  • No instruments

  • Bookshelf-building ability

  • All long hair must be worn under a cap, especially if it’s gray What happens in the club must stay in the club

  ARNOLD PALMER

  ½ cup iced tea ½ cup lemonade

  Chipped ice

  A lemon wedge really drives it home.

  When I was younger, my clubs were a good place to learn how a true democracy worked (see “The Money Jar,” page 32). Everyone in the club had the freedom to voice an opinion and the majority ruled. Now, I don’t have time for democracy. The only way for a club to achieve anything is through a strict dictatorship. When the goal for the group is to create “felt woodland creatures,” an iron fist produces the quickest results.

  Clubs are a good way to help strengthen weaknesses. If you are shy, join a club. If you want to read more, join a book club. If you want to manipulate people into doing free work and give you money towards your vacation fund, start a club, or in my case, a lot of them.

  One of my oldest current clubs is called the Crafty Beavers. We mostly spend time “herbally enhancing our moods” and then making things out of pinecones. Because the Crafty Beavers has a closed membership, I started a splinter club called Creative Daze. It is similar to the Crafty Beavers in that we spend a lot of time enhancing our moods and then making stuff out of pinecones.

  Anyone can start up a club. You need a president, a treasurer, refreshments, a space, and of course, members. It’s also nice to have a mascot. The mascot for Creative Daze is a worm named Montgomery (see “Montgomery’s Disguise Kit,” page 112). You also need bylaws and rules so you know how to punish those members who don’t follow rules. Excommunication is often effective. Try to avoid starting clubs that are essentially just a hangout for divorced bitter people. Let these people start their own club. I tried starting a sad sack club where members sat around discussing how sad they were feeling. The club was a huge success until othe
r people started talking. I quickly dissolved this club. Sad.

  If your club is meeting at your home, it’s important to provide some nourishment. I try to serve dishes that are simple to prepare, don’t take a lot of time to serve, and are easy to eat, so you can quickly get back to the club activity. For this reason, I like to prepare a meal that doesn’t require knives and can be served entirely in individual large bowls.

  Menu Suggestions

  Rigatoni with Pesto

  Baked Chicken Thighs or Quarters The Club Club Salad

  Aunt Joyce’s Brownies (see page 224)

  PESTO SAUCE

  2 cups of fresh basil leaves

  3 minced garlic cloves

  2/3 cup of grated Parmigiano-Reggiano

  ¼ cup of pine nuts

  Salt and pepper to taste

  2/3 cup of olive oil

  Place all these ingredients into a food processor (I use a small one). Blend until thoroughly mixed. Makes one cup.

  BAKED CHICKEN THIGHS OR QUARTERS

  Coat a baking pan with oil. Coat the chicken thighs or quarters (legs with thigh) with some olive oil, a little lemon, salt, and pepper and lay in the bottom of the pan. Sprinkle with oregano and dot with butter. Bake at 400 degrees F for about an hour depending on how much chicken you have. Serve it in a bowl with a salad and maybe some small roasted potatoes.

  Start a fake cake (see page 279) decorating club—either make your fake cake at the meeting or bring it with you and sit around and decorate it.

  or

  Start a pinecone club. Decorate pinecones and drop them off at your local nursing home so nurses can decorate bed trays with them.

  THE CLUB CLUB SALAD

  Arugala, romain, or just red leaf lettuce

  Sliced red onion

  Sliced cherry tomatoes

  Roasted pine nuts

  Salt and pepper

  A little crumbled French feta

  Olive oil and red wine vinegar dressing

  Sometimes I put in julienned carrots. If serving pesto, I omit the pine nuts.

  Brownies

  And Rabbits

  I have a rabbit. I don’t want to say too much about it because talking about your pet is like talking about what you were doing at the age of seven, or your spiritual trip to India. No one really cares. It’s like speaking on the phone with somebody while they are describing what their cat is doing. My rabbit is a big part of my life, and I like to include her at all my get-togethers. I know, for people who don’t have a pet, lavishing large amounts of time and energy on our four-legged friends might seem ridiculous. That doesn’t stop me from making my rabbit the center of my focus. In fact, my apartment is completely designed around my rabbit. I have chosen paint colors based on their names alone: straw, dandelion green, carrot orange, leaf grass, marsh brown. My couch is covered with a cloverleaf print. My liquor cabinet was built to resemble a small tree so that my apartment has a woodsy feel to it. My rabbit Dusty loves being scratched, so much so, that for Valentine’s Day I went and had acrylic nails put on just so I could give her the ultimate massage. For Easter, she gets overflowing vegetable baskets and a tray of wheat grass. For her birthday she got wall-to-wall mushroom-cap-colored carpet in our bedroom. I even became an honorary rabbit educator. I have a badge and everything. This allows me to go to schools, sanatoriums, and homes to teach people about rabbits.

  If you have a pet and are going to entertain, it’s important to make sure your home is free of that scent that sometimes accompanies our pets. Nobody wants to deal with an overbearing odor of a litter box just as they sit down to enjoy a Fudgsicle. Make sure you have allergy medicine (preferably prescribed) in your cabinet just in case a guest is allergic. If a guest does have a reaction and their face puffs up, take advantage and grab a snapshot. You can use the photo along with the caption: “Have a swell Christmas,” as a card, which you can then send to all your friends during the holidays.

  If you, by any chance, happen to have a dead animal in your freezer awaiting a spring burial, remove it while entertaining. Ask the lady next door if you can store it in her freezer for just a night or two.

  KATIE’S SMACK SNACKS FOR RABBITS

  1 cup rolled oats, finely ground—a coffee grinder works best

  ¼ cup rabbit pellets, finely ground

  2 medium-size bunches of parsley

  ½ a carrot

  ½ a banana

  ¼ cup and 1 tbsp water

  Preheat oven to 325 degrees F and line a baking sheet or stone with wax paper (baking stones actually work best). Grind oats and pellets down to a powder and set aside. Puree parsley, carrot, banana, and water. This should become fairly liquefied, so you can add more or less water depending on the consistency. In a bowl, mix puree and dry ingredients together. Knead until a stiff dough is formed. Dough will be somewhat sticky. Place ball of dough between two sheets of wax paper and roll to about 1/8 to ¼ of an inch thick. Cut into small squares and place on baking sheet.

  Bake for about 30 minutes (don’t let them brown too much), then turn off the heat and allow the snacks to sit.

  Courtesy of Katie Richardson.

  • Rabbits can live 7 to 9 or 8 to 10 years. Face it, it’s a crapshoot.

  • Rabbits are not in the rodent family because, unlike rodents, they have a second set of upper incisors (peg teeth).

  • Rabbits are prey animals, which means they are always thinking, “I’m going to be eaten.” They can be literally scared to death, which is why rabbits and children are not a good combination.

  • Rabbits are strict vegetarians.

  • A rabbit’s closest relative is the horse, but whenever they ask to borrow money their phone calls are never returned.

  • A rabbit’s droppings are really easy to pick up. I don’t even have to wash my hands afterward and they are a great way to spruce up a salad.

  • You will always need electrical tape for chewed-up wires. Rabbits don’t like “loud” anything.

  • Rule number 6 in Girl Scouts is “Be kind to animals.”

  Who wouldn’t want their picture taken with a rabbit?

  Big-ticket-price item at dinner parties. And remember: whatever you charge for a single person, double it for a couple.

  Often it’s been asked of me why I started my cupcake business. Well the answer is my first rabbit, Tattletail. The day I brought her home I looked down at her and said, “You, young lady, are going to have to get a job if you want to stay here. Read the sign, no freeloaders.” So I began selling my products in her name and I would take the profits and put them in her money jar. I would then use that money (allowance) for her room and board and toiletries, and then later it went toward a $1,500 hand-painted, velvet-lined cedar coffin for her ashes. After my grieving process, a new rabbit hopped into my life and I looked at her and said, “You, young lady, are not going to be a trust-fund bunny living off Tattletail’s jar money.” So now I run the company in her name, Dusty (under new management), and started a new jar. I spent the rest of Tattletail’s money on what I needed for my grieving kit (see Alcohol and Drugs). I later expanded my business from just cupcakes to include my own Lil’ Smoky Cheese Ball, a combination of cheeses shaped into a ball and then rolled in nuts.

  LIL’ SMOKY CHEESE BALL

  2 cups of shredded smoked Gouda

  16 ounces of cream cheese

  ½ cup of butter

  2½ tablespoons of milk

  2½ teaspoons of steak sauce

  1 cup of chopped nuts

  Bring all ingredients to room temperature. Add milk and steak sauce to cheeses and butter and beat until completely blended. Chill overnight. Turn it into a ball the next morning. Roll it in the nut mixture. Serve it room temperature, spread on a Ritz.

  TATTLETAIL’S VANILLA CuPCAKES

  Turn oven on to 375 degrees F.

  You will need:

  Unsalted butter, sugar, eggs, vanilla extract, baking powder, salt, flour, milk

  Put 1 ½ sticks of butter in mixe
r and beat at medium speed until somewhat smooth. Pour in 1 ½ cups of sugar and beat well. Add 2 eggs. I like to crack the eggs on the side of the bowl while it is moving, which can be really stupid. I like to take chances. Yes, I have had to throw away my batter because I lost eggshells in the mix. Yes, it was a waste of food and yes, I know how expensive butter is, but what can I say? I’m a daredevil. Mix well. Add: 2 teaspoons of pure vanilla, 2 ½ teaspoons of baking powder, ¼ teaspoon of salt, 2 ½ cups of flour, and 1 ¼ cups of milk. Beat until it looks like it is supposed to and pour into individual baking cups, until they are about 2/3rds full. Bake for 20 minutes or until golden brown. Should produce 24 cupcakes; I get 18 because I’m doing something wrong, although my cupcakes were voted 2nd best in the city by New York Magazine.

  TATTLETAIL’S VANILLA BUTTERCREAM FROSTING

  In a bowl combine: one box of confectioners’ sugar, one stick of unsalted butter, one teaspoon of pure vanilla extract, and ¼ cup of milk or light cream and beat for a while. Really whip it, don’t be afraid to get in there. I occasionally add food coloring and sometimes substitute pure almond extract for vanilla.

  If you do choose to add pure almond extract instead of vanilla, you’re on your own. I don’t know the measurement for it, but I do know it’s less than the amount of vanilla you would add.

  DUSTY’S CHOCOLATE BUTTERCREAM FROSTING

  Unsweetened chocolate

  1 box of confectioners’ sugar

  1 tsp of pure vanilla extract or ¼ tsp pure almond extract 1 stick unsalted butter

  ¼ cup of half-and-half

  Melt 2 squares of unsweetened chocolate and stir into the above. Beat all ingredients together in a bowl until light and fluffy.

  HUGH’S SHELLS

  Medium shell macaroni

  ½ pint cream

  Parmesan cheese, more than the Gorgonzola cheese Bel Paese cheese, small piece