Clarity

by Gabbie S. Duran

  I’m expecting to receive a response via text message, but instead my phone begins to ring. Checking my surroundings to make sure no one is around, my finger finds the answer button.

  “How dare you leave a hickey on me?” I snarl into the phone.

  “Oh—”

  “Don’t act stupid. You did it on purpose, didn’t you?”

  “Not intentionally. Things got a little out of control,” he explains. I growl into the phone, earning me a chuckle. “I’m sorry, Taylor.” I can almost hear the pout along with his words. “If you want, you can give me one when I return.”

  My name is announced via the intercom, cueing me to end the phone call. “I’ve got to go, Nick,” I say, rubbing at my temple.

  “Taylor?” he quickly says into the phone to catch my attention. “I really am sorry.” This time the apology sounds genuine.

  “No more hickeys. They’re gross,” I say into the phone before I end the call. My earlier resentment has completely vanished and is replaced with my heart feeling heavier than this morning. Ten days is too . . . damn . . . long.

  I’m in the middle of a therapy session when my stomach begins to cramp. It begins with a simple twinge, but as the minutes pass it progresses into full-blown cramping. My appointment ends thirty minutes later and I immediately rush to the ladies room. It’s then I see the answer to the question I’ve been impatiently waiting for. It takes me several minutes before I can move. My mind is silently processing the results. My reaction is far from what I expected of myself, feeling neither disappointed nor excited over the result.

  The announcement of my name being paged over the intercom has me returning to the present and reaching under the sink where we keep an ample supply of feminine products for our personal use. After taking care of my personal business and quickly washing my hands, I exit the bathroom and return to my workday. It isn’t until I am through with the therapy session that I am able to take a short break and return to my desk. I sit for a few minutes, the entire time trying to process how I will inform Nick that I started my period.

  Reaching into my desk to retrieve my phone, my mind races with possible ways to text Nick with the much-awaited answer, but my heart refuses to allow me to type it out. It’s only fair I tell him in person. Knowing it will not be until Sunday that we are face to face again will test my patience, and my sanity. Instead, I find myself asking for reassurance.

  What time are you coming home Sunday?

  It’s still early in the day so Nick should be able to respond, but the wait has me nervous he may not answer. Minutes go by and just as I’m about to give up hope, the sound of the ping I’ve been desperately waiting for echoes in the room.

  Not until late because of my day game.—Nick

  That’s fine. I’ll leave the door open.

  My place, I quickly text next, remembering how he gave me the key to his apartment.

  Miss me that much?—Nick

  The question has me grinning. Of course I miss him. Every night I sleep alone without his arms tightly wrapped around me leaves me worried the nightmares will return. Nick’s presence in my life has alleviated the episodes, to a point where I’m now dreaming of him instead of my past. I’m fearful I’ve come to depend on him to keep them absent. What will happen if Nick and I were to go our separate ways at some point? That thought is a waking nightmare.

  I miss you every minute of the day.

  It’s been over a week since I’ve seen Nick. His traveling has returned us to text messages as our only form of communication. The day begins with me awakening to an adoring greeting in which he’d sent the previous night, and the evening ends with me delivering a similar message to wish him a goodnight. When he’s able to sneak away, he will call me during my lunch break. We’ve had to work around both our schedules, but the minutes I’m fortunate to hear his voice leave me with the strength to proceed throughout the day. The lonely nights are ruthless, though.

  Saying the words through a text makes me feel more confident. My smile has widened, my heart is fluttering, and the vision of him receiving the message is coursing through my mind. The announcement of my next patient has my visions breaking and returning to reality. I can already predict a restless night, but tomorrow may just be similar if my nightmare becomes a reality.

  I’m practically racing through the streets of Chicago to get to Taylor’s apartment. I’d insisted she wait for me at my apartment today, but she stubbornly kept refusing. She still doesn’t feel comfortable in the space, using the excuse she preferred to wait at her own apartment. I’ve granted her request since I was traveling, but I’ve come to the conclusion she will be staying with me while I’m in town. No questions asked. If we are going to make this relationship work, even with the distance put between us every so often, then she is going to have to compromise on our living arrangements. If it were up to me, she would have been permanently moved into my apartment by now.

  The thought makes me silently laugh inside. Never would I have imagined I would be envisioning living with a girl, let alone be eager to claim I’m in a relationship. Yet Taylor has me envisioning our possible future.

  Reaching her apartment. I rush to her front door after parking my car. Quietly knocking on the door, she immediately opens it, an excited smile upon her face as I scoop her up and kiss it from her lips. Kicking the door shut with my foot, I carry her down the hall.

  Taking a seat on the bed, I position her so she’s straddling my hips, refusing to release my hold on her. It’s been too long since I’ve been able to hold her. I don’t know if I will be able to let her go for the next couple of days. With my mouth grazing against the bare skin of her shoulder, the arms wrapped around my neck pull me closer to her body.

  My hands glide inside her shirt, finding and grasping her breast. “I’ve missed you so much,” I confess. She rewards me with a whimper that goes straight down to my cock hardening between her thighs.

  “I’ve missed you, too.” The sincerity in her words quickens the beat of my heart.

  “I can’t wait to be inside you,” I growl in her ear, already attempting to lift her shirt, but she abruptly pulls her arms from my neck and stops me.

  Confused, I pout up to her. “What’s wrong?”

  “We can’t have sex,” she states, nervously biting her bottom lip.

  “Why not?” I’m almost whining.

  Her broken-hearted expression has me stiffening in worry. “I started my period,” she answers just below a whisper. My once beating heart momentarily stops. A feeling of dread and sorrow I was not prepared to receive courses through my mind.

  “I got it yesterday,” she explains.

  “So, you’re not pregnant?” I ask. I’ve been thinking the question from the moment she gave me the news, but I couldn’t find my own voice to ask until now. Dropping her head, she nods without looking into my eyes. Lifting her chin with my finger, I notice her eyes are glassy as they gaze back at me.

  Silence overtakes us both. There are no words to say that could comfort us both at this point. From the moment she announced she may be pregnant, we’ve both been avoiding the subject. There was no purpose in discussing the situation when we had no accurate result as to whether it existed or not. Now there isn’t anything more to discuss.

  Leaning back onto her bed, I pull her body with me, laying her across my chest and comforting her. Seconds turn into minutes. Minutes turn into an hour before she’s pulling herself up and off me.

  “You tired?” I ask, knowing from the exhaustion in her eyes she is.

  “Yes, I was about to start getting ready for bed,” she says.

  “Want to stay at my place tonight?”

  “I don’t think that’s a good idea, Nick,” she replies as she stands up from the bed.

  “Why not?”

  Her back is facing me now, but from the way her body stiffens, I know she’s debating how to answer.

  “Taylor?” She turns to look at me, the determination on her face advising
me my battle with Taylor is about to commence.

  “What’s really going to happen between us, Nick?”

  Out of every possibility as to what I thought she would say, I never expected her to ask that specific question.

  “What is that supposed to mean?”

  She lets out a heavy sigh. “I’ve been thinking. Maybe me getting my period was a good thing.”

  My earlier dread was still lingering as we lay in bed. My thoughts had wandered to an unforeseen future with Taylor, but with those words, she has me doubting my own thoughts.

  “What was the first thing you wanted to do when you walked in that door?” she asks, her arm stretched out towards her own front door. “You walked in here determined to have sex.”

  “Yeah, so? I’ve missed you.”

  “Is this how our relationship is going to be from now on? Just sex? From the beginning it’s been one fucked up thing or another. The only thing filling in the gaps is sex,” she declares.

  “Is that how you see it?”

  “Think about it, Nick. I’m fucked up in the head from a past that will never let me live a normal life. I’m not a normal girl. Even your own parents saw that. I’m now the reason why you’re not speaking to them. Your parents, Nick. At least they are still willing to love you and be in your life, regardless of how fucked up things are with you.”

  “That’s all you’ve ever tried to do from the beginning, Taylor, is push me away. You’re doing it now.”

  “It’s for the best.”

  “Is that what you really want? If it is, I’ll leave, but I’m not coming back this time. I’m tired of being pushed away.”

  My words have rendered her speechless. Good. It’s exactly what I want from her, to think long and hard about her decision.

  “No, it’s not what I want, but I don’t want to be in a relationship where I have to always doubt whether it’s worth being in,” she proclaims. “You won’t even say you love me anymore, Nick!”

  “I don’t say it because I’m tired of being the only one who says it. Why should I when it’s clear you don’t feel the same way?”

  “How can you say that? Of course I love you,” she croaks out.

  “You have a funny way of showing it. Or never saying it is more like it.”

  She looks perplexed, her mouth opening and closing as she absorbs my declaration. “I’m sorry,” she apologizes with her head dropped down. Walking over to her, I place myself directly in front of her.

  She lifts her head up to say, “I hadn’t realized I never said the words, but I’m always thinking them. I’ve been in love with you, probably from the beginning.” Her eyes shyly drop down before she continues. “It’s why I kept putting up with your stubborn ways.”

  Taking her into my arms, she wraps her arms around my waist, returning my embrace. “You sure it wasn’t because I was so good looking?” I tease.

  “No. But it may have been that cocky attitude of yours,” she teases in return, making me laugh. Tilting her chin up to look at her face, I notice her expression has grown serious.

  “I truly do love you, Nick,” she says shyly as I lean down to kiss her. “Will you stay?”

  “I didn’t plan on leaving,” I tell her, hoping I never have to.

  Six months later . . .

  “TELL ME AGAIN why I agreed to this?” I ask Nick as I struggle to pull up the zipper of my dress. How is it zippers always win in a battle against me?

  Nick’s hand can be felt at my back, taking over the task. When done, he places a kiss on my shoulder before making his way up to my ear.

  “Because you love me.” Slightly turning my face to look over my shoulder, I skeptically look at him. “Are you sure?” I tease.

  “I’m pretty sure by the way you were moaning the words in the shower an hour ago you do.”

  “Sex has nothing to do with love,” I express.

  “No, it doesn’t,” he says on a sigh. “We better get going or else we’re going to be late,” he proclaims, making me feel as if I’ve just ruined a very special moment.

  Turning, I face him and ask, “Are you sure this is a good idea? It didn’t end well the last time.”

  Lifting his hand, he brushes a loose strand behind my ear. “I know, Taylor, but I promise it won’t be like last time. They know the rules. Me and you, no matter what they think.” Taking a deep breath, I absorb his words. I’m still doubtful, not of Nick, but of the possible outcome of tonight.

  “You trust me?” he asks.

  Time has gone by faster than I would have expected since the dreadful night when I feared I lost Nick forever, the night I refer to as my period. The future is still uncertain when it comes to Nick and I, but with every day that passes, our relationship grows stronger. With his season over, it makes it easier for Nick and I to spend more time together.

  In the last six months, Nick and I have done everything possible when it comes to dating. I’ve visited more places than I would have ever imagined and experienced what it feels like to be in a true relationship. We’ve gone on dates, exchanged gifts on certain holidays, and have taken the final step and moved in together. The delay was all me. I was hesitant, fearful of what would happen. Where would I go if he changed his mind? I had to force myself to cease being afraid and take a chance.

  Remembering what Nick asked, I look up to him with a smile.

  “Of course.”

  “Good,” he says as he leans down to kiss me. “Just remember you do,” he says, slightly frightening me with the statement.

  Taking my hand, he’s about to lead me out of the room when he looks down at my feet. “Do you plan on wearing shoes?”

  “Shit. Sorry. I was looking for my black strappy shoes when you distracted me.”

  Tilting his head with an amused smirk, he says, “I do seem to do that to you a lot.”

  “Yes, you do.”

  “I don’t think you’ve unpacked them. Aren’t they in your luggage?”

  Scrunching my nose, I’m reminded that I still haven’t tackled that task. I’ve been purposely avoiding the duty, although the memory of our excursion has me beaming inside.

  Our trip overseas was a pleasant surprise. I hadn’t known exactly where we were traveling when he advised me to request vacation days. Nick’s only orders were I pack for two and a half weeks and have my passport ready to go. It began in Italy. From there we headed to Paris, ending our trip in London. As a child my mind would wander off to a foreign country of my own imagination when I wanted to shut my harsh surroundings out. So to see a fragment of my vision come to life was beyond what any words can describe.

  Nick exits the closet with the shoes dangling from his hand and a mischievous smile upon his face. “If I recall, these shoes are the cause of the scars on my ass.”

  I can’t help but laugh at the way he’s now sneering down at the shoes. I reach out to take them, but he holds them from my grasp, ordering me with his eyes to sit on the bed. Kneeling down, he begins the task of putting the heels on my feet, finishing with a kiss on my inner thigh.

  “That kiss right there is what got you those scars,” I remind him, palming his head still at my knees. Unable to resist, I lean down and fervently kiss him. As expected, I’m now on my back as he leans over me on the bed. His bright blue eyes are passionately looking down at me.

  “I love you,” I say up to him, my entire body feeling as if it’s floating on clouds because of the smile he is giving me. He kisses me once more, this time with much more determination. We’re both hungrily looking at each other when I have to remind him, “Nick, don’t we have to go,” I strain to say as he kisses down my neck.

  He abruptly stops, groaning into the crook of my neck. If it were my choice, we would stay and continue what we started, but I know it wouldn’t be the right decision. Lifting himself off me, he reaches down for my hand and helps me up from the bed. My heart is still rapidly beating, but as we exit the apartment and step into the elevator, my nervousness is also increasing.
>
  When Nick informed me his parents would be visiting Chicago this week and requested to have dinner with us, my first thought was to refuse. The despair in his eyes begged me to reconsider. I knew to refuse their request would be impolite.

  I had to take into consideration how their relationship with Nick has improved. It began with regular phone calls, which eventually turned into visits with his father. Over the last several months, Nick began to bring me along. His visit with his mother, on the other hand, occurred out of convenience. He happened to be in New York for one of his games and she had come along with his father while they met for lunch. It was then she had insisted we all meet for dinner when they came to town this week, and Nick had agreed.

  Nick had warned me dinner would be taking place in the same restaurant as the last occurrence. He’s even gone as far as reassuring me that if at any time I no longer felt comfortable, we would leave. No questions asked. Only this time I had to agree we’d cordially make the exit. He refused to allow me to show them any more weakness, and disappearing without a word proved they had won that first night.

  The drive to the restaurant is made in a blur, my mind distracted with every possible scenario that can go wrong. When we arrive, Nick rushes to my side to help me out of his car, tucking me securely at his side as we walk into the building.

  Same as the first occasion, his parents are already seated and waiting for us. Unlike the previous time, there are no bitter scowls upon their faces. This time, his father is beaming with cheerfulness, far from the previous manner in which his mother greeted us with.

  “Nick, Taylor, it’s so nice to see you both again,” Nick’s father greets, reaching out to give Nick and I a hug when we reach the table. Pulling myself from his arms, I see Nick gently placing a kiss on his mother’s cheek, a small smile on the corner of her lips as her eyes stay focused on me. Forcing a smile onto my face, I take my seat next to Nick and take his hand in my own. He gives me a reassuring squeeze for comfort.

  The waiter takes our drink order, and when he disappears Nick’s father immediately begins a conversation. “How was the trip?”