My Love

by Sabrina Zbasnik

  She didn't remember the trip up to Leliana's proper apartments, her eyes screwed tight for fear that if she opened them she'd either find the green sky of the fade with the Black City taunting her or the entire Grand Cathedral up in flames. While Leliana and Cullen fretted about finding a comfortable place for Lana to sit, she stumbled one step, then another before plummeting to the ground. And that was where she sat for the past few hours watching the sunlight move across the carpet. Cullen tried to get her to move, but when she refused he stopped asking. Leliana made more suggestions, offering up a couch, a chair, even a bed or two. The last caused Lana to fold further in on herself.

  People hustled in and out while only speaking to Leliana, a few glanced towards the broken woman on the floor but none talked to her. After a time Leliana suggested a bath to clear off the soot, but Lana didn't look up. Exasperated at Lana's continual non-answers, Leliana took it herself. Now clean of the fire, the fire Lana caused, her friend was back to trying to fix things.

  Drying her hair with a fervor, Leliana sighed and attempted to whisper at Cullen, "She should take a bath."

  He shrugged and leaned towards Lana, "Do you want to try a bath?"

  Lana shook her head wildly, tears scattering from the force. She didn't deserve it.

  Shrugging his shoulders, Cullen leaned back, only his fingers clinging tight to her limp ones. With her free hand she patted at the floor, trying to disturb the dust motes hiding below the chair legs.

  Leliana tossed her towel at a statue and growled, "This isn't helping. Lanny..." She plopped down to a knee in front of Lana's bent head and tried to look her in the eye, but Lana kept staring further away. "You need to talk about it." She shook her head negative again and pulled her knees tight. Leliana's eyes traveled down Lana's shins and she hissed at the damage everyone kept talking about. But Lana didn't feel it, her body numb to everything.

  "Lanny, please," Leliana dropped a hand onto her shoulder and Lana sagged further down, "It'll do you good. Tell me what happened."

  Her lips quivered, the trembling beginning again as Lana pulled her legs tighter to her chest. "No," she whispered, barely able to speak the word through her shaking.

  "No isn't..." Leliana began but Cullen reached out and nudged her off. She turned her icy stare upon him but he glared back with as much fervor.

  All the venom vanished as he spoke to the broken woman, "Lana, what do you want to do?"

  She shrugged, clinging tighter to her legs.

  "Do you want to take a bath?"

  She shook her head.

  "Do you want to change out of the..." Cullen's words faded as he gestured to the ratty old tunic she wore to sleep. It stank of smoke that burned her eyes and needed to be cleaned.

  Lana shook her head again, curling deeper. She expected him to sigh or begin challenging her resolve as Leliana had, tell her to grow a spine and stop behaving like a spoiled child.

  Instead, he slid a bit closer to her and asked, "Do you want me to hold you?"

  Her brain fought to tell him no, she didn't need it, she didn't deserve it, but her heart won out. In a gasp Lana cried out, "Yes," while falling into his open arms. Cullen took all of her without a complaint. His own shirt stank from the fire, the fire she caused because she was too weak. Burying her nose deeper into it, Lana filled her lungs with the pungent smell, every breath burning her the way she deserved.

  Clinging to his arm, Lana slid lower into his lap, the back of her head burrowing into his stomach as she rested her cheek upon his thigh. Cullen didn't complain, only softly picked at her hair as he held her tight. "Do you want to talk?" he asked.

  A sob echoed up her dry throat and she clung tighter to him, fingers digging into his knee the same way they had to her own. "Shh," Cullen soothed, "it's okay, you don't have to talk. When you're ready. For now, we can sit here, okay?"

  Lana didn't answer him, but Leliana did, hissing close to his ear as if she wouldn't overhear. "What are you doing?"

  "Helping," he stated with certainty.

  "You know how to help with this?" she scoffed, folding her arms and wanting to delve to the heart of the problem.

  "A templar trained in dealing with a mage whose powers ran rampant. Yes, I think I know how," he sneered at her before tugging Lana tighter to him.

  Leliana stood up to glower at him but Cullen didn't respond. He gently caressed Lana's head and stared out at the wall. She did the same, her watering eyes watching a painting. It was old, before a more realistic style swept through the artists. Humans were little more than rectangles with circles for heads while the elves had sharp triangles. It was strange to find a painting with both human and elves on the same level. Lines and lines of people depicted going about their life in painted stratum while strange creatures haunted through the margins.

  She didn't remember the dream to start it all. Lana wished she did because then she could say it was this, seeing this, thinking this brought it all out and as long as I avoid that then it'll never happen again. But no, whatever happened to her in the dream vanished on the wind. When her waking mind returned to her it brought the suffocating press of anxiety, a depth of panic she hadn't felt in...Maker, she couldn't even remember. In battle, she could focus on a plan, on strategy, but there in the bed with her legs trapped by a blanket it was nothing but unquenchable hopelessness. Crushing, bleak, empty darkness. Instant loss with no way out. And her magic took over her body. If Cullen hadn't been there, if he hadn't talked her down...

  "I'm sorry," Lana moaned. She felt Cullen jerk below her, as if her words startled him awake. He craned his head around and caught Leliana who rose from a chair to stand behind.

  "You have nothing to be sorry about," Leliana said, her voice soft.

  "It was an accident," Cullen said, his fingers running down her arm.

  "And you did that old vanity a favor by torching it. Saves on me having to have it destroyed and then face up to the preservation society," Leliana tried to laugh but Lana sobbed, curling deeper into Cullen's leg.

  "I thought, I tried, I wanted to be better, to not be...why am I so broken?" she cried, tears streaking down her cheeks to wash away the soot on Cullen's pants.

  "Lana," he tried to tug her up, but she clung tight to him unable to face the two most important people in her life.

  "You're not broken," Leliana insisted, her hand squeezing down Lana's shoulder.

  "I...I nearly, Maker. I could have killed you, or you," she gasped, glancing up at both of them before burying her head back into Cullen's leg like a sulking child. But that's what she was, a child who had no control over her magic. And while at age six the most she could do was flash freeze a pail, now she could enact a horrible vengeance upon an army without batting an eye. She was a monster, a monster without any restraint.

  "We, we're okay," Leliana said, but Lana could hear the stumble in her words, a swallowed down gasp from the facts. Mashing her mouth tight together, Lana dove deeper into the dark abyss of shadows wishing it would swallow her up and end this. No more keeping a check upon her magic, no more fighting every day to get out of bed, just the sweet silence of nothing.

  Shaking his head at the Divine, Cullen leaned closer to Lana and said, "What is it? Love, I know there's more."

  She bit her lip at his pet name. He'd never said it before, and in any other instance she'd have found it trite, but right then it was all Lana had left to cling to. "I...I'm, it's happened before but never like that, never. The dreams, they're in there, the nightmares. You know," she said to Cullen who grimaced and nodded softly, "nothing can make them go away, and I never know why. But I could handle it, keep the-the power at bay. Drain myself or, or contain it to a few wards, damping down a fire, or-or..." Tears gargled in her throat, the salt water stinging her still raw eyes, "I'm a monster."

  "Lanny, no, you're..."

  "I am, I-I can't be trusted, I can't-can't keep myself from," she shuddered, that long sealed crypt in her mind cracking open so all the ghosts were free to rattle
through her soul. "I'm a curse of the Maker, to be locked up to keep everyone safe. It's the only...the only...." Her words crashed as she drifted lower, the sobs fading to a dull thud in her stomach.

  "You've proven yourself time and again," Leliana insisted.

  Lana snapped up at that, her red, splotchy eyes searching for the shocked blue ones of her dearest friend. "I nearly burned the Grand Cathedral down, a mage. Do you know what that would have done to the other mages? To the chantry? To thedas itself?!"

  Her truthful and stark words struck Leliana who stumbled back from Cullen. Leliana placed her fingers into her mouth and began to bite down on the edge of the skin while thinking. Moaning, Lana tumbled back into Cullen's lap. He waited a few breaths for the ringing from her shout to die away before speaking, "These things happen, you know that."

  "To young ones, to mages who are struggling."

  "You're struggling now, but that doesn't mean it's permanent," he sighed as he cupped her shoulder with his hands, "Lana, whatever you went through in the fade, you knew it'd hurt. It..." he swallowed and his fingers dug in tighter to her skin, "it was three years after the tower before I suffered my first nightmare panic. I woke in the kitchen with a knife in my hand attempting to kill a head of cabbage I thought was a demon."

  "You never..." she began, rising up to face him.

  Cullen cupped his hands around her cheeks to hold her close. "I'm ashamed of it, of failing myself, of not having enough control but I found ways around it. To keep myself from doing it again and protect the people I care about. You can do the same."

  She shuddered at his hopeful turn. "No, no I can't because you're...you can put down the blade, but I..." She lifted her hands up to her face, her traitorous fingers that should be coated in blood, "I can't. I'm cursed, broken, and without control there's..."

  Lana gasped as an epiphany flooded her mind, and Cullen focused anew upon her. She couldn't look at him anymore, and her eyes tried to slide away down to his shirt, "There's only one thing to be done to mages without control. One thing. I should be made tranquil."

  Leliana clapped a hand to her mouth, the slap echoing in the suddenly silent room. Risking it, Lana glanced up at Cullen and found his head tilted high, his eyes scanning the ceiling while a few tears slipped free. He breathed deep with his mouth, his cheeks flattening as he tried to find strength. "Lana, you're...no, that's not an option for you. You're past your harrowing. You, chantry law states--"

  "When did that ever stop you?" she cried out, and instantly regretted it as his face crumbled, every shameful sorrow rising upon Cullen's brow. "Maker, I..." she tried to apologize, her deadly hands reached out to touch him, but she froze. Hanging her head down, Lana groaned, "I took the harrowing before all of this occurred. Before I faced down an archdemon or became trapped in the fade. Before I...broke."

  "I will not allow it!" Leliana thundered, cutting her hand through the air. Both Cullen and Lana turned to her to find ruddiness blemishing her perfect skin and tears pouring down her cheeks. "The Rite of Tranquility has been abandoned and for good reason. It will not happen, not under any circumstances."

  "But..."

  "There are no buts here, no one will be," Leliana stumbled from her fiery speech and she sobbed once as if she could already picture the Lana with her mind burned away, "No, I will not allow it. Find another way."

  "I'm sorry," Cullen spoke, his voice stuttering them both towards him. Leliana looked as if she planned to yank Lana away if he intended to go back on her word, but he continued, "it's my fault for...for pushing you so hard. To, I keep wanting you to be better, healthy, but..."

  "Cullen, I," Lana wrapped her fingers around his cheeks as if trying to lift them into a forced smile, "I never should have said that. It, it wasn't right."

  "No, it was. It did happen, often. I-I did that, and more, in the service of what I thought was the greater good. You're no more a monster than I am," he sighed, his head drifting down.

  Her heart rose from its black depths, taking a rare sip of light to drive Lana to wrap her arms around him and tug his head tight to her in an embrace, "I love you."

  "Why?" he asked, shaking his head. "There are dozens of reasons, hundreds why you shouldn't..."

  Lana laid her finger against his lips. His words died but his exhausted eyes trailed over her begging for an explanation, "Because I do. Scars and all."

  "I love you too, Lana. So much. And, I swear to the Maker, I will do everything I can to keep you safe," he cried.

  "Even from myself?" she stuttered, wishing not for the first time that she could purge all the mana from her forever and never cast another spell.

  "With everything inside of me. I'll sleep beside you for every night, every nap, hold you tight and tell you it's safe, no one's coming for you. Blanket your mana, do everything I can in my body to keep you safe, here."

  She blinked, trying to think through the despair's gnarled hands wrapped around her mind, "What about the Inquisition?"

  "I don't care, you need me more than they ever will."

  "Your plans to return to Skyhold...?" She gasped, wondering if that wasn't what pushed her over the edge. Lana was happy to put on the smile and crack the occasional joke to distract people from her own traumatized soul. It was one of the things she and Alistair shared perhaps most in common. She could run from her own depression for weeks, sometimes months, but when it caught up to her it was as if her entire world crumbled in on itself. And when the storm passed she had to pick up the pieces and rebuild her life from the rubble.

  Cullen butted his forehead into hers, his fingers curling up her cheeks, "Cancelled, all of them. We'll find another way, I can find another way. I'm not leaving you."

  "I'm dangerous," she whispered, "dangerous mages are..."

  "We're all dangerous," Leliana cut in, her blue eyes blazing. "Magic or no, and...this is not the time to be having this argument. Lanny, please, let me help you change into something not scorched."

  Biting on her lip, she banged her fingers together and stared down at the nails chewed to a nub, the edges jagged and brittle. It wasn't from breaking them on accident, nor from her malnourished state in the fade. When Lana would fight against the horrors in her mind, the darkness trailing her heart, she'd bite down on her finger almost tearing off a nail to try and pinch herself back to the real world. How long had she been running from this? Her fingers were bruised and blackened, angry specs of red lining along her cuticles from the way she mistreated them.

  Cullen's fingers circled over top of hers, his skin cracked and rough from his own trials. She watched him gently wrap around her hands until he could grip tight and hold her. "Lana," he whispered, his voice raw and close, "let me help you. Please."

  Strong. How did he have such strong hands? That was what she was supposed to be, the big, strong hero. The woman who ended a blight didn't get scared, shouldn't wish away the magic that saved thedas, and would never show any doubts. But she wasn't that woman, never was even when she threw on the mask and paraded about in armor sealing up her body and soul. Never letting anyone in because, because they'd know the truth about her, about how fragile she really was and how easily she broke. And they'd hate her for it.

  Bobbing her head, Lana acquiesced and let him save her from herself.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Crumbs

  He couldn't hide the tremors in his hands as Cullen struggled to get a glass of water down his parched throat. For once he suspected the thirst wasn't the lyrium's doing but the fire's, not that fact helped him much. Lana rested upon a chair, her feet tucked up under her and a pillow in her lap as she stared out through the window. She wasn't better, but she wasn't asking anyone to brand her either. Refusing the bath no matter how many times Leliana suggested it, Lana stripped off the old tunic and slid into a robe. It was far too long for her small frame, hems trailing upon the floor when she rose to her feet, but it didn't reek of smoke that stung their eyes.

  As he tossed the glass back, Culle
n got a whiff of the smoke upon his own shirt and sighed. He needed to change too, but there wasn't time and he wasn't leaving Lana alone. "Do you want anything to drink?" he asked, his voice tender. Her head lifted from its stupor but she shook it a soft no before laying it back down.

  Nodding, Cullen returned the carafe back to the counter and began to walk towards her when the Divine's inner door opened and Detan walked in unannounced. She had a clipboard jammed under her arm and a tray of food in her hands. All manner of comfort foods sat upon the silver tray; cookies, crackers, toasts with a multitude of jams, a sampling of meat and sausages. Anything to try and tempt Lana into eating. Cullen picked the tray out of Detan's overloaded arms and she smiled in thanks. He turned to present hopefully something to Lana, when the elf grabbed onto his arm.

  "Ser, if'n you please, there are some, um, matters to discuss," her scrutinizing eyes darted to Lana curled up in on herself, before landing back upon Cullen.

  "Can it wait?" he sighed, his arms already straining from the load. His body was reaching the point of collapse itself, and he suspected any attempts at being polite or official would end in him snapping someone's head off.

  "It's only, if you're serious in canceling your trip to Skyhold..."

  "Yes, that's off the table," he interrupted.

  "Right, my issue is we had letters to be delivered regarding your trip and nearly all of them referencing it," she whispered.

  Groaning, Cullen tried to not abandon his bare grasp on the waking world before collapsing onto the floor in exhaustion. They'd been planning this trip with a rather terrifying degree of organization, and most of the letters he'd spent the week preparing were meant to head out today. "Hold them back, all of them, until I...figure something out."

  Detan bobbed her head, her eyes darting over to the mournful mage, "Very well, Ser. And is there anything I can do for..." she pointed towards Lana but didn't say her name.