My Love

by Sabrina Zbasnik

  "Interesting," the Divine eyed him up. "Long day?"

  "We visited the catacombs under the city," Cullen explained.

  "For the Maker's sake, why?"

  Smiling at Leliana's look of disgust, Cullen tipped his chair back, "Lana found mention of an old symbol in one of her books being located amongst the piles of bones below the city and she wanted to see it for herself to cross reference with another symbol designed during the...at that point I stopped paying attention."

  Leliana laughed at that, her bell like chuckle ringing in her nose. "I've found that's the best approach when she starts hopping back and forth on her feet in ecstatic glee over a moldy old parchment that's barely legible."

  Bobbing his head, he was glad the Divine didn't expect him to share in all of Lana's hobbies and interests because he'd have to learn a lot more of magic and its history a lot quicker. "She did stumble across an old mage circle drawn, Maker, it had to be ages and ages past."

  "Was it still active?" Leliana sat up at that, but Cullen waved his hand.

  "No, the magic itself was long disrupted. I made certain of that," he added getting a nod of approval from the Divine, "but she was bubbling over in glee at the language used for the runes. Apparently, you can something something very important something else. Either she's completely altered everything ever known about the history of ward crafting or is about to."

  Leliana reached over and patted his hand, "Lana always seemed to be at her most focused when she had a cause driving her. Without one her attentions become erratic and divided. If I were you I'd find one cause to hone her and quickly lest she wind up digesting the entire library of Minrathous."

  He nodded his head, his hands parting over the remainder of his work. While Cullen could easily whittle away a few hours of each day upon it and know more remained, a small part of his brain questioned what he would do once he was finally finished with the Inquisition. What would he be like with no cause to steer him? As if sensing his thoughts, Leliana gestured at the works, "You'll be leaving soon?"

  "Yes," he nodded. Plans were in place, passage booked, and he had the itinerary down to the wire. Three days travel with barely any rest, five days working to finalize and free himself of the remaining knots of his involvement with the Inquisition, and another three to return. He wished he could get it down to a week of being away from Lana, but when word rattled through the mountain about his leaving everyone suddenly had something the Commander needed to do. Lana snickered at that, and said they were most likely all planning goodbye parties, but he doubted that all of Skyhold could intend to get that drunk for so long. Even after Corypheus fell, the Inquisition only partied for three days. He was hardly worthy of that much celebration.

  Shuffling his stacks of vellum up, Cullen smiled, "I hope to get in and out quickly."

  "How's she doing?" Leliana asked, tipping her head towards the closed bedroom door.

  "Good," he paused, "she's been strolling through Val Royeaux each morning. On occasion even takes Honor on quick walks here and there. And..." Cullen's smile turned internal as he thought back to their passionate moments with Lana in both the throes of bliss and giggling at herself for ever doubting it. A knocking drew Cullen out of his reverie and he found the Divine staring through him. Coughing once, he nodded his head and added a deeper, "Good, very good."

  "Yet you're worried about leaving her."

  "I..." he flexed his weary fingers over the table and watched the tan line across his knuckles fading back to his normal pale color. They came from gripping tight to the pirate ship's ropes as he teetered between no hope and praying fervently for her. Now his heart was settled and his tan could fade. "I am. She's come so far, but if anything happens."

  "I'll be here," Leliana said, nodding her head. "We can have an over extended slumber party. Drink wine, talk about men, paint some of the statues in garish colors."

  Cullen snorted at the idea, then narrowed his eyes, "I'm growing more concerned about leaving now."

  Smiling at him with the force of the chantry behind it, Leliana patted his hand once, "There, there, she's rather tight lipped about your bedroom antics. I doubt there'd be a play by play of whatever happened last night."

  "Last night? How can you..." Cullen mashed his lips together, cutting off the question that gave away everything. He couldn't stop the small burn wrapping up the back of his neck.

  For her part, Leliana only chuckled as if the answer was so obvious as to be scrawled across his forehead. Rather than tip her oversized hat, she sat up in the chair even more prim than before and began to fluff up her sleeves. As a child, he'd wondered at times if the Mothers in the chantry ever kept anything stashed up inside them. While he doubted the one at his local chantry did, Leliana's digging revealed a leather sheathe hidden against her wrist. Take the woman out of the Game, but you can never take the bard out of the woman, it seemed. Sensing his curious eyes upon her, the Divine lowered her sleeve and cut through him with a single look.

  "Your, uh," Cullen's brain flipped through any topic it could cling to, "the trip to Jader wasn't as productive as you hoped?"

  Leliana glanced over at the bedroom door, no doubt willing Lana to rise awake as much as he was to save him, but it remained obstinately shut tight - their only salvation fast asleep. Folding her hands on the table, Leliana tipped her head, "I'd been counting on some intelligence that was intercepted."

  "Intelligence?" While Cullen was technically extricating himself of all the politics -- from mages, to the chantry, to elves, and the rest of thedas -- he couldn't avoid the whispers on the wind. What they said he never heard, but their very existence unnerved him. While grumbling and malcontents could never be fully wiped away, it was the slow drip over time that concerned him. Sometimes it meant nothing, and other times it led to a flood shattering through the floor.

  "It is...not of too great a matter," Leliana tried to wave it away, but Cullen scooted forward.

  "Does this involve the Inquisition?" he asked, jabbing a finger into the table.

  "What does that matter to you?"

  "Last I checked, I still live in thedas and a threat to the Inquisition, even if it's been defanged, will still effect me," he pointed out. "Not to mention I would not wish any ill on the people who I served with."

  Leliana frowned and dropped her head down as she glared at her fingers. Slowly, each one drummed up and down the clean section of table while the Divine selected her words. "There are rumblings, of a sort..."

  "Mage or elf?" he asked, aware enough to know what current problems plagued the chantry.

  Her crystal blue eyes snapped up and Cullen instinctively swallowed from her ice cold stare. Still thrumming the slow cadence of a dying heartbeat, Leliana watched through him, as if she was staring into the hearts and minds of every person in thedas. "I am uncertain."

  "The...what would one have to do with the other?" Cullen started, shaking his head to find reason.

  Leliana shrugged, "The enemy of my enemy I fear. People are still recovering, from the rebellions, the civil war, and the damage the red templars caused. While it takes time there are many who are too impatient and are looking to blame anyone they can."

  "Whispers of chantries being set on fire..."

  "Have some validity," she said, her words thudding to the ground with an unquenchable silence. "I'm trying to determine why and who's behind it. But while I search for the truth, others are quick to fill in their own answers. Some claim credit when there is no proof they'd even have been near it, much less that they'd have the clout."

  "I should..." he scooted back in the chair, when Leliana shook her head.

  "You should maintain what you've already claimed. Extract yourself from the Inquisition, changing course now would only give more fuel to a complicated fire." She challenged him to argue with her, but Cullen barely knew anything beyond the bare facts. While he'd left service of the chantry, in his heart he suspected he never could fully abandon it. Lana made no complaints about him a
ttending services, sometimes inquiring about them. And while he still smarted from Kirkwall, from the bureaucracy that tied everyone up, abandoned the templars to the mad Seeker and Corypheus, he did not want to see it fall.

  Leliana seemed to read all that in him, her head tipped down for a moment and she whispered, "Far too alike."

  "What?" He sat up, all business.

  "We can endure without you, it has for centuries in fact."

  Cullen folded his arms up and glowered, "I'm aware of that, but if...if there's danger to Ferelden, or southern thedas, I think I'm owed a little classified information."

  That caught her and she leaned back in the chair. Frown lines crinkled up her smooth brow and down her cheeks, age or stress finally catching up to Leliana. "You are right, and you know the other threat on the horizon better than most. What will come of it, no one can say." Cullen still wasn't certain if he believed Solas was Fen'harel or the idea that one man could destroy the veil, but he put faith in the Inquisitor doing all he could to prevent it.

  Scooting closer, Leliana stretched her neck and then whispered, "This is in strictest of confidence, but there are rumblings across Orlais and western parts of Ferelden that the mages are..."

  A blood curdling scream ripped apart the air. Cullen stood so fast, his chair tumbled back, Leliana attempting much the same. "That came from the bedroom!" he cried, pointing towards the shut door. Horrors tried to dig behind his eyes, Lana's screams twisting his nightmares into something almost unbearable, but he gritted through them.

  "Maker, is that smoke?!" Leliana cried out, her cold mask shattered as she pointed to a gap under the door where white puffs billowed out.

  As Cullen neared the door, he caught the acrid scent of wood charing to the flames of an open fire. "Lana!" he cried, panic strangling his tongue. Not bothering to check the latch, he shoved open the door with his shoulder. Smoke bit into his eyes, but he blinked through the pain to spot a figure huddled in the corner, fire flying from her fingertips with an unstoppable ferocity at the vanity. Immeasurable heat charred and warped the mirror, silver dripping like rain down the glass curving in on itself. Deadly flames danced off the vanity's counter, licking towards the walls and risking the entire Cathedral if they weren't contained.

  Leliana shouldered him aside, and shouted, "Lanny!" But Lana didn't turn to her, didn't acknowledge her, only kept up her fire. "Stop! What are you doing?!"

  "Can't," Lana mumbled, tears gushing from her eyes, the black smoke obscuring her trembling body. "Not, no, you're an illusion."

  "Lanny," Leliana begged, dropping to a knee and trying to scoot closer to her. She whipped her head towards the Divine, a horrified look on her face, and Leliana stumbled back terrified of what could happen. Something got though and the fire spurting from Lana's hands broke off, her arms dropping to the floor as if spent. But the fire was fully enraged now, rising up the bedroom wall and eating everything in its wake. Cullen grabbed a blanket off the bed and tried to smother the fire, but it roared awake, snapping back at him.

  "You have to put out the fire, Lanny," Leliana begged, crawling forward.

  "Leave me be, spirit," Lana groaned, her head dropping into her chest as she hugged her knees tight. She looked pitiful, like a scared child trembling from the monster under the bed. Yet, she didn't fight against the smoke billowing into the air, cutting away the oxygen and burning into their eyes. It was as if she didn't feel it.

  Tossing the blanket down, Cullen slid across his knees and scooped Lana up into his arms. It was almost the exact same way he had when she came back to them from the fade. "Lana," he pleaded, his hands digging into her hair. She didn't look up or acknowledge him, only shook her head and mashed her face harder into her knees.

  "No, no," she moaned, scrunching up tighter in on herself.

  "Please, put the fire out, before you hurt people. Innocent people. You don't want to do that," he clung to the first thing he could think of, but she was too far into her delusion. She gripped tighter to her legs, her nails causing welts to rise up on her skin. "Lana, please," he begged, "I-I love you."

  She didn't look up, but power flowed through her body, the fade warping fast around her. For a moment, Cullen instinctively moved to yank her mana away, terrified of what she'd conjure next, but he held it back. He had to trust her. Leliana tried to wave the blanket to beat back the fire, but it was beyond either of them now, flames licking up the leftover vanity and scouring the stones black. White crystals wrapped around Lana's fists still dug into her legs. Without waving her hands near the fire, power -- biting with the power of winter -- blasted past Cullen to wrap around the flames. He craned his neck back to watch ice rise from the ground to envelop the fire in its smothering embrace, freezing it solid until it reached the ceiling.

  It happened so fast the blanket Leliana was waving froze tight to the ice block. She released her hold, unable to rip it free, and staggered back. Her eyes widened while surveying the charred remains of the vanity crumpled in on itself, white as ash, and the dents the fire made into the walls and ceiling. "Andraste preserve me," she mumbled, her hand covering her mouth.

  A sob wracked Lana and Cullen turned back to her, his hands wrapped around her shoulders. "It's okay, I'm here. We're both here, it's...you did the right thing, Lana. Okay?"

  Leliana plummeted to her knees as well and scooted towards her friend. Together, she and Cullen formed an impenetrable wall, trying to wrap Lana against everything she just created. "Oh, Lanny," she sighed holding tight to her.

  The trembling paused in Lana's shoulders but she wouldn't lift her face. Moaning into her knees, she cried out, "I...I, no, I didn't mean to, didn't want to... Not the fade, not at all, not now."

  "I know you didn't mean to, Lanny," Leliana cried back, the tears thick in her eyes.

  "I never, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," Lana moaned. For a moment her eyes darted up over the carnage she preserved behind ice, the destruction she caused. Yelping at it, she waved her fingers and buried her head again. With a whisper, the ice wall melted apart, sending gallons of water washing across the fire damaged floor. The smell of charring smoke and rotten wood filled the room as the puddle washed across their feet. Only her heart wracking sobbing echoed over the hissing of still steaming wood coming to a rest.

  "It's okay," Cullen cooed again, trying to pull her into him, to get her to break away from her knees. "You're not alone. I'm here, Leliana's here. We've got you."

  "I..." Lana stuttered, her face whipping back and forth across her legs.

  Cullen glanced down and winced at blood rising up from where her nails dug deep into her skin. "Lana, please," he couldn't bite down on the tears in his voice, "please stop hurting yourself."

  He wanted her to stop digging her flesh off, but her body trembled and in a heart wracking sob she cried, "I don't know if I can."

  "Lanny..." Leliana wiped at her tears when the sound of armored boots running down the hall drew both her and Cullen's attention towards the apartment door.

  It sprung open from a shoulder all but shoving it off the hinges and a man cried out, "Your Most Holy!"

  Leliana staggered to her knees to look over at what appeared to be three or four guards judging by the boots racing towards her. She wiped at her cheeks and fitted on the calm mask she always wore. While Leliana dealt with them Cullen held tight to Lana, his face burying into her back. She'd silenced her crying, but he could feel the inaudible sobs trembling up her body.

  "What is it?" Leliana asked, trying to block their view of Lana crumbling apart on the floor beside the bed.

  "We heard a scream and came running to...are you all right, your Worship?" the lead guard asked, his eyes sliding across his unperturbed Divine.

  "I am fine, as you can see. There was a small matter..." Leliana glanced back only for a moment before whipping her head back, "We spotted a mouse."

  "And then set it on fire?" the second guard asked pointing at the obvious damage that nearly ate through the wall.

&nb
sp; "It got rid of the mouse," the Divine said with such confidence Cullen almost believed her.

  "As you say, your most Holy," the lead guard said, bowing uncertainly. "But, I would not recommend dealing with vermin in such a manner."

  "Yes, next time I will try a trap instead. Those cause less collateral damage," Leliana nodded brusquely, her arms crossed as she turned her body into a barrier. No matter how hard the guards tried to peer in on Lana, she wasn't letting them past.

  "Do you require any more help?" the guard asked, lost as to what to do with a clearly crying woman on the floor, the room having just been lit on fire, water soaking across the ground, and the Divine insisting it was all due to a mouse.

  "No, you may return to your post," Leliana said, waving a hand to dismiss them. "Oh, but could one of you summon Detan."

  "Yes, Your Worship," the guards bowed, sliding away.

  Cullen heaved a sigh of relief at their departure. The last thing Lana needed was questions coming from anyone much less an arm of the chantry. With his arms pinned tight around her, she finally broke free from digging into her legs and wrapped them back around him. Biting down the pain in his heart, Cullen nestled his chin in her hair and repeated a continual loop of "I have you. I'm here." Breaking a moment from Lana's hair he caught Leliana's concerned eye and mouthed, 'I'm not leaving her. I'm never leaving her.'

  Chapter Fourteen

  Light

  Light undulated across a carpet. She didn't see all of the hand woven image, only a corner with a horse cavorting through a forest that kept dipping from a bright golden glow to the deepest greens as the branches outside the window danced in the breeze. What did the horse think of the light? Was it welcomed, or did it burn with a searing white, the heat of the heart of fire itself fading away its once luxurious colors? Cullen's hand wrapped around hers, his fingers holding her tight while she couldn't manage to return it.

  Digging a towel through her hair, Leliana shooed a handmaiden away and sighed, "Maker, it feels so much better to have that caustic smoke scent off me." She was dressed only in a robe, barely knotted across her waist which caused Cullen to glance towards the window. Lana expected to find a blush rising up his neck but his cheeks remained wan the whole day.