Everything I Shouldn't / Everything I Need (Nashville Nights #2-3)

by Stacey Mosteller

  Finally, the awful retching is over and I find the strength to stand. After splashing my face with water and brushing the vomit taste out of my mouth, I put my hands palm down on the counter and stare at myself in the mirror. Nothing has really changed since the last time I looked myself in the face, except now instead of wondering, I know for sure. And now, instead of worrying when David will find out, I know that he's going to know before the day is out. He's going to know before the hour is out. The thought makes my skin more pale and clammy, but at least the green tinge is gone.

  "SarahBeth!" Lyric's voice comes from the bottom of the stares and I freeze, knowing what she's about to say. "David just pulled in, get your butt down here." I take a deep breath, trying to calm the nerves taking over my stomach before walking downstairs. I feel like I'm heading out to face a firing squad.

  Walking into the living room, I see David looking down at Lyric with his arms folded across his chest. Lyric's staring back up at him with her hands on her hips and they are having a hushed conversation that I know is about me. What else could it possibly be about? Clearing my throat, I draw their attention away from each other and over to me. When David's gaze lands on me, his eyes widen in shock at my sallow skin and hollow eyes. He starts to walk over to me, but Lyric grabs his arm, shakes her head and directs him to sit on the couch. David lets her direct him until he's sitting on the couch, his expression full of concern as he looks between the two of us. Once he's seated, Lyric comes to stand in front of me.

  "Are you ready?" Her eyes search mine as she takes my hands in hers.

  I shake my head no, but I say, "Yes." Her small smile is sad, but she squeezes my hands before releasing one and leading me over to the couch opposite my brother, taking a seat next to me. David continues to look between us, the look on his face becoming more and more worried the longer neither of us says anything.

  "What's going on?" He's talking to Lyric, but looking at me. "You called and said I needed to come home, that SarahBeth needed to tell me something, and now you're both acting weird. Something is obviously wrong. What has happened? Did Jeremy do something to you?" The last question is directed at me, and I don't know what to say. After all, technically, Jeremy did do something to me, but is that really what I want to lead with?

  Luckily, Lyric takes control of the situation and speaks before I can get my thoughts together. "Calm down, David. I know that my phone call probably scared you, and I'm sorry for that. I just needed you to get here as soon as possible. We didn't want to wait..."

  David cuts her off to ask me, "What the hell is going on SarahBeth? What could possibly be so important that I had to drop everything I was doing to run home and check on you. Don't you think you've done enough damage to everyone around you?" I can't stand the look on his face, he's still so angry with me. I look down, studying the way my fingers are twisted together in my lap.

  "David, please just..." Lyric starts, but David cuts her off again.

  He's glaring at her, which makes me feel even worse because I'm causing all these problems. I knew he wouldn't want to hear anything I have to say. This is going to be such a disaster. "No, Lyric. I just want to know what the fuck is going on and I want to know right..."

  This time cut him off. I can't let her take the heat for me any longer. I've already done enough to sabotage their relationship. "I'm pregnant, David," I say, my voice shaking. He stops trying to talk over me, his mouth goes slack in shock and his eyes widen. "I'm sorry," I whisper, covering my mouth with both hands, mortified that I just blurted it out like that, but I didn't want him yelling at Lyric anymore. Tears are falling down my cheeks, tears I'm so freaking tired of crying, and Lyric pulls me into her side to comfort me. My brother is still staring at me in disbelief; his face is turning red and his lips are in a hard line; I know he's getting ready to explode.

  "You're...you're...holy fuck." David shakes his head, unable to understand what I just told him. He glares at me, his eyes hard and his voice full of anger, then he says in a low voice, "What do you mean, you're pregnant? How could you let this happen SarahBeth?" Lyric reaches across the small coffee table to put a hand on his knee, but he pushes it off, turning to look at her with a wild look in his eyes. "And you knew? You helped her keep another secret from me?"

  Lyric shakes her head frantically, "No, David. God no. I swear..."

  David starts to cut her off, but I interrupt once more. I can't let him blame her for this one, not now. "David, she found out when I did, just before she called you. Lyric refused to keep it a secret and said that if I didn't tell you she would." I don't realize how tense he is until I speak and he relaxes, just a fraction.

  "How far?" I look at him, confused because the question makes no sense to me. How far what? How far to the nearest hospital? The nearest abortion clinic? Seeing my confusion, he sighs, rubbing a hand down his face before speaking again. "How far along are you?" His voice is softer, not quite so accusing and I feel like I can breathe again, like maybe we actually can get through this without bloodshed.

  Unable to speak through the sudden lump in my throat, I have to swallow hard more than once just to be able to squeak out, "I'm a week late."

  "Jesus Christ," David says it as a curse before dropping his head in his hands and pulling at his hair. "I swear to God," he mutters, "I'm going to kill him. As soon as I get my hands on him, I'm going to strangle him. Then, I'm going to cut his fucking dick off." He bolts up and starts pacing back and forth, his fists clenched.

  The waterworks, the ones I'm really beginning to hate, start again. Am I really going to be like this for months? I don't think there's enough water in Nashville to keep me hydrated at this rate. "Please don't hurt him. He doesn't even know." I'm begging him not to hurt the man I love... the same man who's been MIA since everything came out and my life fell apart. How twisted is that? I should be cheering my brother on, but instead, I'm pleading with him not to hurt him.

  "SarahBeth," David groans, "I can't just let this go. Jeremy took advantage..."

  I interrupt him to shout, "NO!" Lowering my voice, I tell him, "He didn't take advantage of me, David. Jeremy loves me. Or at least, he did. Please, please don't hurt him for something he doesn't even know happened."

  "Don't give me that shit," David growls, pointing a finger at me, his eyes narrow and spark in anger while Lyric looks back and forth between us, not sure who she should be support at this point. "Jeremy knew sleeping with you could result in pregnancy. Did you not use protection at all?" As soon as the question is out, he shakes his head, holding up a hand to stop anything I might say. "Don't answer that. There are some things I just don't want to know."

  My shoulders sag, and I look down at my fingers, which are still twisted together in my lap. I'm caught between feeling like a naive little girl and a moron who doesn't know better than to use a condom. I thought turning twenty-one would make me feel more like an adult; I was looking forward to making my own choices and being in control of my own life. Instead, I've gotten myself into an adult situation that I'm completely unprepared for. How am I going to do this? And how am I going to do it without Jeremy? My world is breaking apart and I need him here with me.

  David sits down beside me, which brings me out of my stupor and I look up at him through watery eyes. His own are red, like he's trying to hold in his emotions. He slips an arm around my shoulders and pulls me into his side, dropping a small kiss on the top of my head, something that reminds me so much of Jeremy that I want to cry again. I'm so tired of crying.

  "What are you going to do?" David asks gently. I tip my head back to look up at him, not understanding what he's asking. He sighs, "About the pregnancy. What are you going to do about the pregnancy, SarahBeth?"

  I'm still confused when I ask, "What do you mean? I'm pregnant, it's not like it can be changed now." I shrug, "I guess I'm having a baby." Jeez. Saying the words out loud makes it more real. All these things I don't want to think about, yet I have to think about them. I have so many decisions to m
ake, so much to do.

  Lyric sits on the edge of the coffee table directly in front of us, startling me so that I look to her instead of my brother. She smiles, but it's still a sad smile. "I think your brother is asking if you're going to stay pregnant. You also have the option of putting the baby up for adoption, or keeping it yourself."

  Oh. My mouth drops open and I immediately cover my still flat stomach with both hands, shifting away from my brother's embrace to stare at both of them in shock. "I'm not having an abortion! And, I'm definitely not putting our baby up for adoption. Those are not options for me." I don't know her all that well, but I swear the look on Lyric's face is a cross between relief and respect, at first I forget why. Then I remember what she told me earlier and her reaction makes a lot more sense. I don't know if she would be able to forgive me for choosing either of those options after what she went through.

  "Okay," David says with a sigh, "So you're keeping it?" I nod, and he runs a hand through his hair, a gesture that's so reminiscent of Jeremy that it physically hurts. He takes a deep breath, looking at me warily when he says, "Then you need to tell Jeremy and you need to do it right away."

  I shake my head emphatically. "No way. I'm not telling him I'm pregnant." I start to panic, not even caring that David's giving me an exasperated look.

  "SB, he deserves to know he's going to be a father." Oh man, he's using my nickname again. I don't think he's called me SB since he caught us. I used to hate that nickname, but right now, it's an endearment I'm so glad to hear.

  My eyes are still comically wide when I tell my brother, "He can't know. If you tell him, he'll come after me."

  "I thought that's what you wanted?" David asks in confusion. He just doesn't get it. I can tell by the sympathetic look in Lyric's eyes that she knows what I'm getting ready to say.

  "I do. I want that more than anything. But..." I stop to take a deep breath. "I don't want him to be with me just because I'm pregnant. I want him to come back to me because he wants to be with me, not because he doesn't want to be like his father." When I'm finished, David's gaping at me.

  His mouth opens and closes a few times before he's finally able to speak. "He told you about his parents?" I roll my eyes, because he's told me more than he ever told my brother. "SarahBeth," he starts, but this time I'm the one holding up a hand to stop him.

  "No David. I will tell him, and I promise this isn't the same as the secrets I kept before. I just need to give him a chance to come back on his own before I tell him. I don't want to always wonder if the baby was the reason, or if it was because he really did love me." My voice is small, and it cracks multiple times as I struggle to get it all out, but every word is true. Up until the past few weeks I didn't doubt Jeremy's feelings for me for a minute, but the fact that he doesn't want to see me, that he's gone so far as to put me on the block list at his firm, has me questioning everything that happened between us.

  David starts to argue, but Lyric shakes her head at him. My shoulders slump at the realization that she understands, that I don't have to keep arguing about it. "Can I go take a nap now?" Between being sick, finding out I was pregnant, and then telling David, I'm exhausted and all I want to do is sleep for days.

  Lyric nods her head, giving me permission to escape, and I hurry from the room, not wanting to give either of them the chance to change their minds. I stop at the top of the stairs to listen to the conversation they have once they think I'm gone.

  "Holy shit, L," David starts, his own voice breaking. "She's so young. God. How's she going to handle this? All of this... I don't know what to do for her. I don't know what to say to her. There's no way for me to make this better. These are the moments I wish our parents were here, she needs her mom, not her brother." I lean back against the wall, shutting my eyes and letting the tears fall. The pain in his voice is palpable and I hate that I'm causing this.

  I don't hear Lyric's voice for a few minutes and I imagine that she's moved over to comfort him. Finally, I hear her, "David, that's not true. Yes, having your mom here would be preferable, but she's not. You are all that girl has and she loves you! You're the big brother she looks up to and she knows you'll take care of her. You'll do what's best for both of you, I know you will."

  "I'm going to kick his ass. He took goddamn advantage of her, and now look where she is! Jeremy broke my sister Lyric and he's damn sure going to pay for it." David's voice is rising and Lyric shushes him, trying to keep me from overhearing. It's a little too late for that. It works though, his voice is quieter when he says, "He needs to know, darlin'. Jeremy needs to fix this mess he's created and he needs to man the fuck up."

  I have to strain to hear Lyric's response. "He does need to know. But, he should hear it from her, just like you needed to. It's not going to help the situation if you go after him, making threats and causing problems. Jeremy told you he was coming back for her right?" Wait... Jeremy told my brother he still wanted me? Why didn't they tell me this? David must have nodded because Lyric continues, "If he's going to come back to her, he's going to find out soon enough. I understand what's she's saying about wanting him to want her for her, not for a baby. If you go guilt him or threaten him into coming back, she'll always wonder. Let them work it out together. SaraBeth is young but Jeremy is a grown man and he will be able to help her handle this. Besides, they got themselves into this, let them figure out where they go from here."

  They continue talking, but I don't want to hear anymore. I'm already tired of the fighting and the stress and this is only day one. I crawl into bed to sit against my headboard, pull my knees up to my chest and wrap my arms around them. Now that I'm alone, all I can do is think about what's going to happen over the next few months. How am I going to tell him, will he only want me because of the baby, can I deal with it if that's the only reason? Apparently he told David he wanted me back, so where is he? What's he waiting for? If you'd asked me before my birthday, I would have been absolutely adamant that Jeremy loved me wholeheartedly; but now that he's gone, now that he's ignoring me, I just don't know what to think.

  SarahBeth

  I feel like I'm living my life by counting days. First it was three days from when everything happened - the day I tried to see Jeremy and found out he didn't want to see me. It had been four days when David left to go after Lyric, to try to repair the damage I'd caused. Then, eight days when David came back from New York, bringing Lyric with him. Sixteen days when I tried again to see Jeremy. Twenty-one days - fitting - when I found out I was pregnant. Now, it's been five days. Five days since my world ended and began again... since I told David I'm pregnant.

  Things haven't changed much, he's still walking around me warily, only the reason for his distance has changed. Instead of avoiding me because he's mad and doesn't want to see me, he's tiptoeing around me because I break down in tears at the slightest provocation. I hate this. Deep down, I am not "that" girl, the one who cries over everything. I was the girl who went after what she wanted, who took what she wanted. I'm not anymore, if I ever really was. I've never been more confused nor less self-assured.

  Listening to David and Lyric's conversation after I escaped upstairs should have made me feel bad, but hearing Jeremy was coming for me gives me hope. Hope because he told my brother that without knowing about the baby. But now, standing in front of his architectural firm's offices on Broadway, my stomach is twisted in knots. What if he refuses me again? What if he doesn't want to see me, doesn't want to talk to me... how will I handle more rejection?

  Taking a deep breath I straighten my shoulders, readying myself for what I'm about to do. My hand is shaking when I grasp the door handle; I want nothing more than to run. I step into the cooler air of the reception area and look around in the hopes that he'll be standing there and I'll know I was supposed to be here today. That taking this bold step and coming here was the right thing to do. I have to know where we stand. I can't take not knowing any longer, all the questions in my head are slowly killing me.

  Of
course, I'm not that lucky, so this means I have to grovel to the receptionist. She's older than me, but not by a lot... she's closer to Jeremy's age. She narrows her eyes at me and I remember the last time I came here. It wasn't pretty.

  I walk in with the same doubts as I did that day, unsure if he will see me this time, or turn me away once more. Not that he actually turned me away the first time. It was one of those "Mr. Meloni left strict instructions that you not be allowed back," conversations with this woman who loathed me pretty much on sight, even though we'd never met before. She was very proud of the fact that she got to inform me Jeremy wanted nothing to do with me.

  The second time, it was an older lady filling in for this younger one. She was much nicer, but it was basically the same thing. Jeremy was busy; he didn't have time for me right then. Promising to take a message and have him contact me, she dismissed me easily; leaving me to spend the rest of the day staring at my phone, hoping it would ring.

  Hope can be both wonderful and awful, but the death of hope is just plain painful. That day I began seriously doubting Jeremy's love for me. I just couldn't believe that after everything he was choosing not to see me, rejecting me once more. Jeremy had become my everything... even though he's everything I shouldn't have. He is the first and only man I've ever loved, my only lover, more my best friend than Livvie and yet he continues to turn me away. It makes me doubt every single thing we've ever been to each other.

  Her eyes widen slightly in recognition, she remembers me. That will make the rejection even more humiliating if she tells me I'm still on Jeremy's "don't want to see" list. "Can I help you?" Her voice is so snotty. The condescending way she's speaking to me makes me want to yank her obvious extensions out and claw her eyes out with my now non-existent nails.