Everything I Shouldn't / Everything I Need (Nashville Nights #2-3)

by Stacey Mosteller

  I open my mouth to tell her I'm here to see him when the voice I've been dying to hear asks in disbelief, "SarahBeth?" Squeezing my eyes shut, I turn to face him. When I open them, Jeremy's the only thing I see. I soak in the sight of him, dressed in a navy blue suit, wearing his square black glasses and looking like he's not shaved in a couple days, I say nothing; finally being in his presence has rendered me speechless.

  "What are you doing here?" He asks, his voice is stern, his eyes hard and cold and completely different from the Jeremy I know. He doesn't make a move to touch me, but I can't keep myself from moving closer to him. My heart breaks a little when he steps back, keeping the distance between us.

  Giving him what I hope is a reassuring smile, I say, "I came to talk to you. I need to talk to you. I'm..." my voice breaks and my hand goes to my heart, an unconscious act of self- protection. "I'm so sorry for everything. For not..."

  "Stop." Jeremy holds up a hand, looking around us at the curious audience we are attracting. The tension between us is obvious, and everyone likes a real life soap opera.

  Suddenly self-conscious, and fully aware that he's not the person who likes his personal business out there for the world to see, I ask, "Can we talk for a minute? I'll go anywhere you want." I'm close to begging, terrified this isn't going to end well. He doesn't say a word, just nods as he gestures to the hallway where I know his office is.

  As we walk past the reception desk, the girl behind it glares at me. It's immature of me, but the nerves fluttering in my stomach and the insecurity I'm feeling comes out as snark. "Guess I don't need your help after all." Her glare deepens and I hear Jeremy sigh behind me.

  "Behave yourself, SarahBeth." Then, he says to her, "Hold my calls until I tell you otherwise, okay Tonya?" She nods, smiling widely up at him as he follows me back to his office in a way that makes me want to shank her. I hate feeling jealous over other women. It just reminds me where we were a few short weeks ago. He doesn't speak, doesn't touch me, just follows along behind me, the small distance between us feels insurmountable.

  The door shuts behind us audibly, causing me to jump, something that would normally make Jeremy laugh yet he doesn't even crack a smile. Walking around me, he takes a seat at his desk, putting more space and an inanimate object between us. Jeremy's eyes are guarded in a way I've never seen. He's actually wary of me, of why I'm here. The unease I'm feeling ratchets up a notch as he continues to stare, saying nothing to me, waiting to see why I'm here.

  Taking a deep breath, I continue where I left off out in the lobby, speaking fast so he can't interrupt me. "Jeremy, I'm sorry I didn't listen, that I didn't tell David right away. I'm sorry I screwed everything up..." My voice lowers to barely a whisper when I ask the question I need the answer to the most. "Can you ever forgive me?"

  Jeremy's eyes soften at my question, though he doesn't immediately answer. He just continues to stare at me, searching my face for something, but I don't know what it is. Finally, he sighs heavily, "You don't owe me an apology. I didn't say anything either. I was afraid of what would happen if we told David the truth so I let you talk me into keeping it a secret. I knew better, so there's no need to apologize to me."

  Wait. He doesn't blame me? He's not angry or upset with me? Then why has he been ignoring me, pushing me away with his silence? It just doesn't make sense. "So you're not unforgivably angry?" I have to ask, because things just aren't adding up for me.

  "No Sarah," he begins, shaking his head, "I'm not angry and I don't hate you." I open my mouth to ask why then, but he doesn't give me the chance. "That doesn't really change anything though. David hates me, and honestly, I'm sure he's not very happy with you either. He should hate me." He looks away from me before continuing to speak, his words break the little bit of my heart that's still in one piece into tiny little pieces. "I just... I can't go back SarahBeth. We can't go back. Our relationship caused so much hurt, for us and for other people. I just can't go through all of that again. I can't risk getting hurt like that again." He doesn't look at me; he keeps his eyes trained on the window beside his desk. My chest feels tight, my stomach is rolling; I just want to collapse into myself. This, right here, is my every fear coming true.

  My throat is so thick I don't know if I can get the words out, it takes physical effort not to choke. "What exactly are you saying? Are you telling me you don't want me anymore?" Wracking sobs threaten to take me over and it takes all the self-control I have left to hold them at bay.

  Jeremy's jaw tightens, but he doesn't answer me. The fact that my emotions are all over the place and my hormones are bouncing around inside me doesn't help to keep me calm. I stand, practically vibrating as I stare at him, horrified at what he's telling me. "Do I not mean anything to you?" When he still says nothing, I completely lose my composure. "I know you went to see my brother. I know you told him that you were going to come after me!"

  Those words get his attention. His head whips around and his eyes meet mine, still shuttered so I can't see what's going on in his head. Even after everything that happened before, we've never been this disconnected; he's never been this distant. That, was my final play. If he doesn't take back his words, we're over and I'm doing this alone, which means there's no reason to tell him about the baby. What would be the point? So he can return to me out of guilt and then resent me later?

  "He told you about that?" Jeremy's voice is pained, his jaw set and I know deep inside that this is going to end with us on opposite sides. I just don't know why, I don't understand it, but I know he's going to push me far enough away that this will be the end, of everything we were and everything we could have been.

  Deciding to tell him the truth, at least about this, I say, "Not exactly. I heard him tell Lyric what you said." His eyes close briefly, but not before I see a flash of pain... pain that gives me hope for just a second that he's going to take it back. But then, he takes a deep breath, as though steeling himself to do something he really doesn't want to do.

  "I had planned to come after you, but..." Jeremy clears his throat before meeting my tear-filled gaze. "But then, I realized that the best thing I could do for you and your brother would be to let you go. You deserve so much better than me, Little Bit."

  The use of the endearment causes my heart to squeeze painfully in my chest. "Jeremy," I plead, "I don't want anyone but you. You are the best thing that ever happened to me. I love you. Can't you see that?" Tears are falling unchecked down my cheeks now, but I don't move to brush them away. I keep my eyes on his; waiting for him to have some sort of reaction, but there's nothing. It's like he's not even there. The brief flash of pain that was there moments ago is gone and he's closed himself off from me again. I sway from the intense pain of his coldness, "So that's it then?" I ask quietly.

  Jeremy just continues to watch me, his hands folded on top of his desk and the only indication that he's feeling any emotion is the way he's clenching his hands together, his knuckles white. Unable to look at him anymore, and desperate to get out of here before I make an even bigger fool of myself, I turn to leave. As I start to open the door, his low voice stops me, but I refuse to turn around. I don't want to see him looking at me with pity or regret. I just want to get out of here, to go home and lick my wounds. "I'm sorry SarahBeth. This isn't how I wanted things to happen."

  Looking down at my feet, I say, "Yet here we are. You didn't want things to happen this way, but you're the one who's doing this." Taking a deep breath, I open the door and raise my head high. I don't want his last memory of me to be of a broken, pitiful girl begging him to take her back. "I will always, always love you, but I will never forgive you for this. Goodbye Jeremy." I pull the door shut quietly behind me before resting my head against it.

  Brushing the tears from my cheeks and hoping I don't look like a raccoon, I walk away, pausing only when I hear the sound of glass breaking coming from Jeremy's office. I chance a look back at the door, but it doesn't open and I don't hear anything else. Hurrying past the front desk, I make
it out the door and back to my car. I barely get the door shut before the sobs start coming in waves and I can barely see. Knowing there's no way I can drive like this, I send a quick text to Lyric, ironically the only person I want to be around right now.

  U busy?

  Not really. What do you need?

  A ride. Came 2 c Jeremy. BAD!

  Seconds later, my phone rings. "Where are you?"

  I give Lyric the address of the parking lot I'm in and she promises to have Anna bring her right over. Luckily, the building she works in is close so she'll only be a few minutes. I move over to the passenger seat to wait. Anna drops her off and when she sits down, she looks over at me, her face immediately softening.

  "Oh honey, come here," she murmurs, pulling me to her and hugging me tightly. Lyric rocks back and forth as much as she can in my tiny car, stroking my hair and muttering soothing words as I cry on her shoulder. Finally, she pulls back to study me. "Do you want to talk about it?" I shake my head furiously; talking about what happened is the last thing I want. The feelings are still too raw. I'm not sure I ever want to talk about it. She nods understandingly, "Okay. Just wanna go home then?"

  "Please," I whisper, wanting nothing more than the comfort of my bed. We don't speak the rest of the way to the house, and when we get inside I go straight upstairs, wanting to avoid seeing my brother, not even sure he's here. Lying down, it doesn't take long before I'm asleep, but I don't sleep well. At one point, I wake up to low voices just outside my bedroom door; my brother wants to check on me while Lyric tells him to let me be.

  My eyes are too heavy to stay awake for long, and the next time I wake, David's sitting in my desk chair, his head in his hands. I don't want to talk to him; I don't want to tell him what happened today, because I know he'll go after Jeremy and that will only make things worse. For the life of me, I don't know why I'm bothering to protect him after he broke my heart today, but I don't want him to be hurt. I also don't want my brother to end up in jail. Shutting my eyes, I try to keep my breathing deep until I fall back to sleep.

  Jeremy

  She didn't even look back as she left. Hurting her kills me and as soon as the door clicks shut softly behind her, I pick up the picture that sits on my desk. It's a picture of us taken two years ago when we went to Asheville to visit her grandparents. It was during her freshman year spring break - before everything really started to change between us. Well, before we started acting on it anyway. It's one of those pictures they take of people walking through the Biltmore House, in the middle of an indoor garden. She planned the whole thing, knowing how much I love architecture; she surprised me with a trip to that architectural wonder. When they told us to stand together for the photo, she ducked under my arm, putting a hand on my chest and looking up at me with stars in her eyes. Even the photographer thought we were a couple, and said we looked like honeymooners. At the time, it made me uncomfortable, but now, after seeing the look on her face when I told her we couldn't be together, the memory of how she used to see me fucking kills me.

  Before I even think about it, the frame is sailing across the room, crashing into the wall, shattering the glass. I put my head in my hands, resting my elbows on my desk I take deep breaths, trying to forget the pain I'm putting her through. She doesn't deserve any of this; she doesn't deserve to have to deal with me. SarahBeth could do so much better than me. I hope she sees that now.

  What the fuck was her brother thinking? Why would he talk about what I said when she was there to hear it? Her knowing my original intent just makes this harder on her. If I'd known, maybe I would have handled things differently.

  There's a small tap on the door before Tonya, the secretary at the front desk, pokes her head in, her eyes widening when she sees the frame and glass covering the floor. "Mr. Meloni?" she asks almost timidly.

  "What is it Tonya? I asked not to be disturbed." My voice is flat, completely devoid of emotion. Dealing with people isn't what I want to be doing right now; I just want to wallow in my self-imposed misery.

  She doesn't take the hint, choosing instead to open the door wide enough for her slim body to walk through before closing it quietly behind her. Tipping her head to the side, Tonya looks at me for a moment before taking a seat in one of the chairs in front of my desk, crossing her legs in a way that causes her skirt to move up, showing even more of her thighs. "Is everything okay? I saw that girl leave a few minutes ago and she looked pretty upset." Her smile is a little too smug about the fact that SarahBeth was in pain when she left which makes me want to throttle her.

  Sitting back in my chair, I feign nonchalance. "Everything's fine, just a misunderstanding with an ex. I'm sure you know how that is." The words are hard to say, but I don't want Tonya to know how much what she said has bothered me. "I have a lot to do this afternoon though, so you should probably get back to manning the front desk." Tonya stands, grinning at me a little too seductively.

  "Well, I'll leave you to it. If you need a... distraction, let me know." She winks, pulling her skirt down and straightening her shirt in a way that makes it impossible not to look at her chest. I try not to be obvious, but she grins widely when she notices. "See you later!"

  The rest of the day passes in a blur; I can't think of anything but the look on SaraBeth's face before she left. The text I get from David doesn't help matters.

  If I weren't taking care of my sister, I'd be kicking your ass right now. What happened to you coming back for her and me needing to get my shit together? You have no idea what you just lost.

  He's wrong. I know exactly what I lost; or more precisely what I threw away and it killed me to do it.

  SarahBeth

  The next morning, and I use that term loosely since it's noon, my eyes are still puffy, heavy and hard to open. Getting out of my bed is the last thing I want to do, but I also know that lying here wallowing in sadness and what could have been is only going to hurt more, and it will only mean that Jeremy's rejection has broken me. Maybe, but I don't want anyone to know, I don't want to be pitied.

  Dragging myself out of bed, I take a long, scalding hot shower, I stand under the water as long as I can before I get dressed and head down to face my brother and Lyric. The only person in the kitchen is Lyric who's working on her laptop; her head pops up when she hears me walk down the stairs.

  "Morning!" she greets me, sounding entirely too chipper. Seeing my still puffy eyes, she deflates a little. "How are you this morning? Wanna talk about it?"

  I shrug, not really sure how I'm doing or what I'm feeling. I'm still a little raw after yesterday's events, and more than a little confused.

  "You're going to have to talk about it eventually you know," Lyric tells me. "What happened yesterday? You were a mess. Did you talk to Jeremy?" Her questions come fast and her eyes are full of concern. Talking about what happened yesterday is only going to bring it all back, the pain, the heartache, and the humiliation.

  Taking a deep breath, I tell her everything. I tell her how worried I was that he wouldn't even see me, but there he was. How he took me back to his office and effectively broke my heart into teeny, tiny little pieces, telling me that we hurt too many people and he doesn't want to be with me anymore. I even tell her how I heard him throw something at the wall after I walked out. By the time I'm done, my face is streaked with tears and my chest feels tight. "So basically, I've screwed everything up. I can't even blame him for not wanting anything to do with me. I don't want anything to do with me either..." I'm cut off by Lyric who's suddenly next to me, wrapping her arms around me and pulling me into her embrace.

  "Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry --"

  I pull away from her; I don't want comfort from her of all people. She's one of the people I hurt the most and having her comfort me only makes the guilt worse. "Please don't. I don't deserve your sympathy." Looking up at her, I see how confused she is at the catch in my voice. "How do you not hate me?" My voice is barely a whisper because I'm terrified of her answer.

  Lyric sighs, "It
's really hard to hate you when you're in so much pain, SarahBeth. When I first came back I didn't like you much, but right now...? The things you're dealing with...? They are so much bigger than what you did to hurt me. Plus, your brother really needs me right now. He's not sure what to do with you or how to make things better for you."

  She's really so much nicer than she should be and much nicer than I would be for sure. I'll be honest; I really thought she was kind of a pushover at first. I mean, she did let me cause trouble; she let me manipulate her into keeping my secrets. But right now she's the only person I can talk to about what's going on. "Before I forget, I called and set up an appointment for you with a doctor. It's next Tuesday." She looks uncertain suddenly, asking, "Do you want to ask Jeremy to go? I know he's being an ass right now, but it is his baby too."

  Now it's time for me to be embarrassed. "I didn't tell him."

  "What?!" Lyric shrieks. "Why? I thought that was what you were going to do yesterday? You have to tell him Sarah. He deserves to know he's going to be a father."

  Folding my arms on top of the bar, I drop my head down onto them and groan. My voice is muffled and barely discernible when I say, "I know. I just wanted to see how he felt about me before I said anything." Lifting my head, I look at her, my eyes full of tears and begging silently for her to understand. "I meant it when I said I wanted Jeremy to want me for me and not just because I'm having his baby. Then, everything went to hell and I panicked. I'll tell him after the appointment."

  Lyric studies me with narrowed eyes for a few moments before finally nodding. "Okay. But you can't keep this from him forever. SarahBeth please remember, keeping secrets is what led to the trouble we just went through and is probably what ruined your relationship with Jeremy. The longer you keep this from him, the worse the fallout is going to be. Think about that, alright?"