Everything I Shouldn't / Everything I Need (Nashville Nights #2-3)

by Stacey Mosteller

  We leave the doctor's office shortly after, and even though I'm expecting Jeremy to take me right home, he doesn't. Instead, we end up at a baby superstore, one that carries everything a baby could possibly need. When we walk inside, we're confronted with clothes, toys, strollers, so many baby things and I have no idea where to start. Jeremy's a man on a mission though, and pulls me straight to the back of the store where all the baby furniture is. I can't help but think that this was not really what he'd planned to do this afternoon, but he stops in the middle of all the cribs and changing tables, spreading his arms wide and telling me, "We need to start getting stuff for the baby...and we also need to decide where he's going to live."

  He? It's funny, I always refer to the baby as she, but he's calling it he, like he's so sure we're having a son. "Um, what are you talking about? She's going to live with me." I'm a little worried now, because this isn't a topic we've talked about before. It's one I didn't think we really needed to talk about. I mean, I'm the mom. Surely that means the baby will be living wherever I am, right? Are we really going to do this in the middle of a store?

  "That's not what I meant. You know I'd never take him away from you." He runs a hand through his hair, obviously agitated before he sighs, "I'm doing this all wrong." Yeah, he really is. I have no idea where he's going with this, and now, well, I'm kind of scared to ask. He walks over to me, taking both of my hands in his and bending his knees so he's eye level with me. "Screw it, I'm just going to say it." I tense, but his next words send me reeling. "I want you and the baby with me," he says, swallowing hard. "I want you to come live with me, and I want you to move in before the baby gets here."

  I can only stare at him in shock. Say what? He wants me to move in with him? To his apartment? Is he serious? I'm gaping at him, unable to say a word as he drops my hands, walking away from me to stand in front of a crib. Jeremy puts his hands on the side, his head dropping down so his chin rests on his chest and his shoulders are slumped. He looks so dejected that I have to go to him. I can't stand across the room silently. Just before I reach his side, he says in a low voice, "I don't want to be a part time father, Sarah. I want more than that with you...with both of you." I know my eyes are entirely too large right now, but I can't help it. Out of everything I thought he'd say, that's the last thing I expected. He continues, "Hearing our baby's heartbeat earlier, it brought everything into focus."

  He looks up at me, eyes full of misery as he confesses, "I don't ever want our child to feel unwanted. Hell, I don't want you to think you're unwanted. I'm so out of my depth here, baby. I don't know what to say to convince you."

  "You don't have to say anything. Jeremy, I don't want our baby to be going back and forth between us either, but are you sure this is what you want? It's only been a month since we worked things out, since you found out about the baby..."

  He cuts me off with a sharp laugh that's completely void of humor. "Do you honestly think that changes anything for me? I've been in love with you for years, Sarah. If I could have, I would have moved you in with me that first night in my apartment. I fucking hate taking you home every night, hate knowing that you're going to be away from me. I want to go to sleep with you every night, wake up with you every morning. I don't want to miss any more of this pregnancy than I already have." I flinch at his last words, knowing just how long he didn't know anything about the pregnancy and feeling guilty once more for not telling him. The rest of his words though, they wreck me. I just can't believe we're having this conversation here in a store of all places.

  As much as I want to immediately tell him yes, that I'll absolutely move in with him, I can't. I need to think it through, and I need him to be certain that this is what he wants. Telling him that hurts, especially when he looks at me like I've just broken his heart. I hurry to reassure him, "I want to live with you, Jeremy. I want us to be a family, I just need some time to get my head around everything. My whole life has changed in such a short time...it's hard to wrap my head around."

  My explanation doesn't help at all, his disappointment clear. It almost makes me take it back, but I know I can't. "Fine," he says in a defeated voice. "Let's look around, get an idea of what we'll need when he gets here." He walks away from me, and I feel like we're further apart than we've ever been right now. I follow along behind him, barely noticing any of the things the clerk he finds points out, worrying that I've just ruined any chance we had to move forward.

  SarahBeth

  Our relationship is strained for the next few days. I spend my days at school, my evenings with Jeremy, and he drops me off at home every night. It's so different from the way things were after the first night he brought me home. After that night, I spent almost every night at Jeremy's, getting the best sleep I've had since before he moved out. Now though, it's like he can't get rid of me fast enough, and I'm quickly becoming the girl I was right after everything went to hell. I'm suddenly unsure, worrying that he's decided I'm not worth it.

  Today is the fourth of July though, and I'm determined to have fun. David's having a cookout, all my friends are coming, and Jeremy will be here too. Hopefully being around everyone else will keep him from arguing with me, or telling me he's no longer interested in having me move in. I don't think I could handle that.

  Livvie and Emmett are the first to arrive, having just gotten back together for the umpteenth time, and I'm freaking out just a little at what's going to happen if Tyler shows up too. She runs out in a colorful strapless bikini leaving Emmett to follow behind her as she hugs me.

  "Ahh! Oh my goodness, SB! Look at you, you have a belly!" Livvie is screeching as she pulls away from me to smooth her hand over the small bump that's appeared almost overnight. It's still barely there, but in my bathing suit, it's easy to see. She pulls Emmett closer and makes him touch my belly too, though he looks extremely uncomfortable doing so. After gushing over my bump for a few more minutes, Livvie and Emmett go in search of the beer my brother is bringing out.

  An hour later, Jeremy still hasn't arrived and I'm beginning to get worried. He hasn't messaged or called to say something's keeping him, and I'm left to wonder if he's still so angry at me for not agreeing to move in he's decided not to come over. I wander over to sit beside Lyric and her friend Ben who have both consumed enough alcohol to have them giggling as they both ogle my brother.

  Just when I'm sure I don't want to hear anything else about my brother and his very lickable - according to them - body, Jeremy finally walks into the backyard. He looks over at me, his eyes traveling the length of my body, stopping briefly on my chest and my belly, but instead of coming over to where I'm sitting, he heads over to my brother and a group of guys they went to school with.

  It shouldn't bother me, but it does. I was expecting him to walk over and at least say hi, maybe kiss me, something. Lyric tries to distract me by pulling me into the conversation she and Ben are having about some book coming out as a movie on Valentine's Day. I only listen with half an ear to their gushing, but when Wyatt and Peyton show up, I let out a sigh of relief and hurry over to greet them.

  Wyatt pulls me into a hug, asking, "How are you sweetheart?" before letting Peyton hug me too. She gives me a sympathetic smile before gushing over my belly just like Livvie did. Laughing, Wyatt tells her, "Don't even think about it, no babies for you."

  "Dude! No way!" she says before clapping a hand over her mouth and looking embarrassed, "Uh, I mean...no offense, SarahBeth. I'm just not ready for that." Her cheeks turn pink as she looks up at Wyatt for help; for someone who came off as a real bitch when I first met her, she's really grown on me, plus, she's pretty perfect for Wyatt.

  He just laughs at her, shaking his head and pulling her into his chest, wrapping his arms around her waist and resting his chin on the top of her head. The three of us don't speak for a few minutes, and I start to feel uncomfortable with the knowing way Wyatt's looking at me. "What?" I ask, unable to take his scrutiny any longer.

  "Something's bothering you. What's going on?
" He looks around, seeing Jeremy on the other side of the yard, studiously avoiding even looking at me. Turning back to pin me with his gaze, he asks, "What did you do this time?"

  My jaw drops open in shock, "Why does it have to be something I did? Can't it just be that this time he was the idiot?" I put my hands on my hips, glaring up at him while Peyton bites her lip to keep from smiling.

  Pulling out of his embrace, she turns to kiss him lightly before pointing over to where Liv and Emmett are horsing around in the pool. "Yeah, I'm just gonna go over there and let you guys talk. Be nice," she says pointing a finger at both of us before walking away.

  "Alright, tell me what happened," Wyatt demands, leading me away from the groups of people standing around my backyard. He takes a seat on one of the sun loungers, keeping my hand in his and forcing me to sit down beside him.

  Looking away, not wanting him to see the hurt that I know is in my eyes, I tell him, "Nothing happened." He scoffs, so I amend what I said. "Okay, maybe something happened."

  "I got that," he says sarcastically, grabbing my other hand to keep me from leaving. "Tell me...let me help you sweetheart."

  Tears fill my eyes at his soft words. "He asked me to move in with him." My voice trembles when I speak and I know I'm seconds from letting the tears roll down my cheeks.

  "That's a good thing, isn't it?" he asks, confused at my reaction. When I don't immediately answer him, he drops one of my hands to cup my cheek, forcing me to meet his searching gaze. "I thought that's what you wanted? Why are you so sad?"

  It's not an easy question to answer. He's right...moving in with Jeremy is what I want. I don't want to be away from him...ever. I want to sleep with him every night and wake up with him every morning...but I don't want him to feel obligated, and I think he did after we went to the doctor. The baby was finally real to him, he didn't have any excuse not to ask me anymore, so he did. I tell Wyatt all of that, all my fears spilling out of me in a jumble. There's a huge lump in my throat, making it hard to say the last...to tell him, "I'm scared he will regret asking. That he'll wish he hadn't when he realizes just how moody, insecure and sometimes crazy I am right now."

  His chest is shaking when I fall into him, clutching his shirt in my hands and sobbing into his chest. He wraps an arm around me, hugging me tightly as he says, "SarahBeth, I'm pretty sure he already knows all that. I don't think he would have asked you if he didn't really want you there."

  Jeremy

  Listening to her voice, so full of pain as she talks to her friend guts me. When he tells her that I wouldn't ask if I didn't want her there, I can't stay silent any longer. "He's right you know." They both jump, and she turns quickly, her tearstained face looking up at me, terror written all over her face. "Why don't you ever tell me this shit, Sarah? The past week could have been avoided if you'd just opened your mouth." I shouldn't be so harsh, but damn, she pisses me off. All of our problems started because she was so sure she knew what would happen, how people would react, and it broke us all. Here we are months later, and she's still trying to predict reactions...she's still doing it wrong.

  "Um, I'm going to leave you guys to talk," Wyatt says, getting up quickly and moving around us. He stops, looking back at SarahBeth to say, "I'll be here if you need me, but I don't think you will. Talk to him. Please?" She nods before looking down at her hands twisted in her lap, something she always does when she's upset or she thinks she's in trouble. I'm guessing right now that it's a little of both.

  Walking around her, I sit in the chair, my legs on either side of the lounger and pull her so she's sitting between them, her legs resting on one of mine as they dangle over the side. SarahBeth avoids looking at me, in fact, she's looking everywhere but my face...watching her friends in the pool, watching David and Lyric talking quietly over by the grill, but not looking at me until I grip her chin in my hand and turn her to face me.

  "Baby, is that why you said you needed time? Because you thought I didn't really want you with me?" The look in her eyes tells me that yes, that's exactly why she said that. "Girl, you drive me crazy, you know that? If I didn't want you there, I wouldn't have asked. I'm not in the habit of asking girls to move in with me. You're the only girl I've ever asked, the only one I would ever ask." She tries to look away, her eyes filling with tears, but I tighten my hold, forcing her to see the truth in my own. "I love you, only you. I want to be with you forever...you and this baby."

  I cover the small bump on her stomach gently with my free hand, still unable to believe it's there. Seeing the changes my baby is causing in her body, hearing the beat of its heart, it changed my entire outlook. This tiny little person ties me to the woman I love for life. No matter what, there will always be a person who is part of me and part of her together. It's such a sappy thought to have. If Tyler ever heard me say something like that, he'd demand I give up my man card, but when it comes to her, I just don't care.

  I try to find the words to tell her just how much they both mean to me. "SarahBeth, you and this baby, our baby, are the most important people in my life. Hell, you're the most important anything. I love you both, and I can't begin to imagine what my life would be like without you." Tears are streaming down her face now, and I have to swallow hard before I can continue. "You are my forever." I kiss her lips lightly, then hold her tight as she begins to sob. This time, it's my shirt she's clutching and my chest she's burying her head against...not Wyatt's.

  "I'm so sorry," she says between sobs. "I love you so much, but I'm so scared. I'm scared you're going to decide that I'm not worth it, that all this crap isn't worth it. I already know what it's like to live without you and I'm terrified about having to do it for good." Her words are coming quickly now, so fast it's almost hard to decipher them.

  I rock her gently, rubbing her back and waiting for her to calm. Looking up I see David staring at us, the pissed look on his face telling me that he's about two seconds away from coming over here to rescue his sister. I narrow my eyes at him, shaking my head a little to let him know that he's not needed before turning my attention back to SarahBeth. Her tears have turned into hiccups now and she's still clutching my shirt like she's afraid I'm going to disappear.

  She finally sits up, wiping the few remaining tears from her cheeks before meeting my eyes. "Can we go back to the store? I want to change my answer."

  "I don't think we need to go back to the store," I say with a laugh, "Why don't you just tell me your answer and we'll forget the rest ever happened."

  SarahBeth's smile is radiant. "Thank you," she breathes. "My answer is yes...yes I'll move in with you. But, you get to be the one to tell David."

  I hug her tightly, laughing at her words. "Why do I have to tell him? You're pregnant...he won't hurt you." SarahBeth relaxes against me now, holding our hands against her small stomach as we sit in the lounger, watching everyone at the party interact, leaving us in our own little bubble.

  Once everyone is gone and David and Lyric are the only other people here, we go inside to break our news to them. SarahBeth is trembling, afraid that he's going to be upset, but I told him back before the appointment that I was going to ask her to move in with me, so it's not going to be a shock. Hell, I told him I wanted to ask her to marry me, but was worried it was too soon. This way, I can ease her into it, make sure it's what she wants.

  Dave and Lyric are cleaning up the kitchen, putting away leftovers and loading the dishwasher when we walk in hand in hand. She's the first to notice us, smiling warmly as she comes over to hug SarahBeth. "Hey sweetie, is everything okay?" Sarah nods, her eyes on her brother as he frowns over at us.

  "What's wrong?" he asks gruffly, coming over to stand next to Lyric and looking down at his sister.

  SarahBeth looks up at me, waiting for me to speak, so I tell him, "SarahBeth's moving in with me." Lyric squeals, throwing her arms around both of us, but David just watches his sister.

  "Is this what you want?" he asks her, studying her face as she tells him yes. When she finally gets
the word out, he smiles, pulling her out of Lyric's embrace and into his own. "Good. I love you, sis, but I think you need this." Her mouth drops open, not expecting him to be okay with this, and I smirk at her knowingly.

  She realizes that he already knew without me saying anything and she glares at me as he releases her, stepping back to put his arm around Lyric. "You already told him," she accuses.

  "No," I say calmly, "I told him I was going to ask you. I just hadn't told him you said no originally." She huffs, folding her arms over her chest, but I don't let her step away from me. David smiles at us both, before taking Lyric by the hand and leading her out of the kitchen.

  "I'm going to bed now. I'll let you deal with her...she's your problem now." He laughs as Lyric punches him in the arm, and SarahBeth laughs as well.

  Looking down at her, I ask, "My house?" She nods before heading to her room to pack a bag. I'll be glad to get her home, I've missed having her in my bed the past few days.

  SarahBeth

  I've been waiting for today since I found out I was pregnant. I wasn't always happy about the fact that I was having a baby, but once I accepted it and knew that I was going to keep it, I wanted to know what it was going to be. Would I be buying blue onesies or pink ones? Personally, I'm hoping for pink - obviously, it's my favorite color - but I think Jeremy's hoping for a little boy. He keeps telling me that he doesn't care either way, but he has to care. Isn't gender something all parents-to-be argue about?

  The Fourth of July party at my brother's was the day I decided to move in with Jeremy, something he didn't give me a chance to back out on. The party was on Friday, and he had the few possessions I have securely in his apartment by Sunday. I tried telling him we should wait until after my summer semester ended, but he wasn't having any of it. He was bound and determined that I was moving in and nothing would deter him. Now, I'm sitting at the apartment, I still can't bring myself to call it ours, even after living here for three weeks, waiting for him to come get me so we can go to my appointment.