Everything I Shouldn't / Everything I Need (Nashville Nights #2-3)

by Stacey Mosteller

  As soon as he texts me to say that he's in the parking lot, I fly out the door and into the elevator, wanting to get to the office as soon as possible. The sooner I'm there, the sooner I'll be seeing my little peanut. The small bump that emerged on the fourth has turned into a definite belly now, still not huge, but definitely noticeable. I'm actually wearing the maternity shirt Livvie got me on our first shopping trip after I found out. Jeremy hasn't seen it yet, but I know it will make him laugh. Sure enough, when I get in the car and he reads the words on the shirt, he smirks at me.

  "Sushi? Have a margarita? You weren't a big fan of either of those things before you got pregnant. I can't see you waiting anxiously to have them again." He shakes his head and waits for me to be buckled before pulling out of the lot. We arrive at the doctor's in record time and I bounce on my toes waiting for him to get out of the car and come around to meet me. He puts an arm around me, hugging me close as he says, "Calm down, baby. You'll know soon enough."

  Soon enough? I scoff at him, rolling my eyes because I know it drives him crazy when I do it, and sure enough, he pinches my behind in retaliation causing me to squeal and try to cover my butt with my hands as I glare up at him. I try to move out from under his arm, but he grabs my hip in his hand, keeping me next to him. "You're so mean," I pout as he opens the door to let me go in first. We check in before finding seats to wait for my name to be called and this time I'm the one with all the nervous energy. I feel kind of bad for laughing at Jeremy's nervousness the first time he was here, because now here I am with my knees bouncing, unable to sit still.

  It seems like forever, but it's probably really only about fifteen minutes, before they finally call us back. Jeremy takes my hand in his when I freeze, suddenly afraid to actually do this. Yeah, the heartbeat made the baby real...but this? There won't be any way to deny the fact that I'm carrying a little person inside me. A person that will be completely dependent on us for everything. I'm terrified I won't be able to live up to what he or she needs. Sensing my emotions, Jeremy presses a kiss to the top of my head before he says, "Come on, Little Bit. Everything will be fine, you're going to be an amazing mom."

  His words relax me and I follow him into room with the ultrasound machine. The technician, who says her name is Angie, gestures towards the table, telling me to hop up and get comfortable. I lie down, gripping Jeremy's hand in mine as she lifts my shirt up enough to uncover my stomach, pushing the waistband of my shorts down underneath it as well. She grabs a bottle off the cart and holds it over my stomach.

  "This is probably going to be cold, so I'm telling you sorry in advance. It's a gel that will help the monitor pick up your little one." She squirts the gel on my stomach and I suck in a breath at just how cold it is. The technician smiles at me apologetically before picking up the remote control looking thing. "Ready?" she asks as she places it on my stomach. Jeremy and I both look towards the screen, seeing a whole bunch of stuff I can't decipher. There are lots of images on the screen, but I don't know what any of them mean at first.

  It only takes a few minutes for the screen to sharpen, showing tiny little arms and legs moving about on the screen. That's our baby. My heart is beating at least as fast as the heartbeat now filling the room and I feel Jeremy's fingers tighten on mine as we watch our child moving on the screen. The technician points out fingers and toes, showing us the head and the heart, and printing out a few pictures for us. Then, she presses a button that switches the screen to where we can see the baby a little more clearly. She explains that this is a 3D ultrasound, one that will let us see the baby's features better.

  She moves the wand along my stomach, stopping when the little face comes into focus. Tears are streaming down my face as I watch the baby's tiny thumb enter its mouth. It starts to suck and Jeremy leans forward, almost blocking my view as he stares entranced at the tiny person on the screen. Angie lets us watch for just a few minutes before asking if we want to know the sex. Jeremy looks down at me, letting me make the decision, his eyes red-rimmed and misty. "Yes," I tell her, not taking my eyes off of his, "we definitely want to know the sex."

  Angie smiles before moving the wand around some more, and when she stops, she says, "Well, she isn't shy at all, is she?"

  "She?" Jeremy asks, his voice full of wonder and hoarse like he's trying not to cry. The tech nods, pointing at the spot on the screen that shows us just what I'm carrying inside of me. No question about it, she's definitely all girl. His hand in mine starts to shake, and before the tech can say anything else, his mouth is on mine, his other hand cupping my cheek as he kisses me deeply. When he finally lifts his head, he stares right into my eyes and says, "I love you so much, SarahBeth. Thank you for giving me this."

  I start to sob, hating these stupid pregnancy hormones as I do, I'm so tired of crying all the time. I kiss him back fiercely before telling him, "I love you more." He grins at me, a grin that says you wish you did, but he doesn't dispute me. We continue to stare at our little girl until the technician clears her throat.

  "I'll print off a few more pictures so you can share, but I need to clean you off so you can go see the doctor." Just before she pulls the wand off my stomach, I hear a thump, a thump that I can actually feel against my stomach, the strongest kick I've felt yet, and it sounds like she just kicked the technician. Angie laughs before moving the monitor off of me, shaking her head before she says, "I guess she doesn't like being watched."

  She hands us a couple of pictures, pictures that show her adorable little face, and one that says "Look mom and dad, I'm a girl!" which makes me laugh, before Jeremy helps me down off the table. The rest of the visit goes smoothly. Dr. Bailey tells us that everything on the ultrasound looks great, I'm measuring right where I'm supposed to, and she says that my next appointment will be the dreaded glucose test. Everything I've read says that the stuff they make you drink for that is awful, but most of the advice says that the orange is the least gross, so I tell her that's the one I want to take. She makes a note before sending us out to make the next appointment.

  Jeremy

  A girl. Holy shit, I'm going to have a daughter. Seeing her on the ultrasound screen was...I don't even know what it was. It made everything seem a little more real. The look on SarahBeth's face made it all worth it. Her expression as she watched our baby flip and suck her thumb was pure love, the perfect look for a mom to have. She's going to be the best mother, I only hope I can live up to her expectations. Talking a mile a minute as we head out to the car, she sends a text to David and Lyric, knowing they are waiting to hear what we're having. We decided this morning that instead of just telling them over the phone or text, we'd ask them to meet us somewhere for lunch. David agrees quickly, and we head to the restaurant SarahBeth picked.

  We're the first to arrive, with David and Lyric arriving about five minutes after we're seated. Lyric's almost as excited as SarahBeth who is bursting at the seams to tell them. She manages to wait for the waitress to take our orders, but as soon as our drinks arrive, she stops trying to hold it in. "We're having a girl!" she exclaims, pushing the ultrasound pictures across the table for them to see.

  Lyric traces a finger along the baby's cheek in the photo, an almost sad smile on her face. She quickly recovers, smiling brightly at SarahBeth and saying, "Congratulations! This is so exciting! What are you going to name her? Have you decided?"

  Sarah looks over at me like she's asking permission to tell the name we picked. This is her brother and his girlfriend, hell, probably the woman he's going to marry. I wouldn't stop her from telling them. "We picked Amelia Grace. Amelia because it's Italian, and--"

  David's voice is raspy when he interrupts her, "And Grace because it was mom's middle name."

  "Yeah," SarahBeth whispers, her eyes glistening with unshed tears. Pulling her into me with the arm draped across her shoulders, I kiss the top of her head, murmuring soothing words to her.

  Her brother reaches across the table, taking her hand in his and stroking his thumb across the
top. "It's a beautiful name." He clears his throat, "Mom would have been so excited, so happy for you, Sarah. You're going to be such a good mom." At his words, SarahBeth moves out of my embrace, getting up from the table at the same time David does. He wraps his arms around her, holding her tightly and I can tell she's crying. Lyric's eyes are red as she watches them with me, putting her hand on top of mine and squeezing lightly. "Congrats daddy," she says in a soft voice.

  My own throat feels tight when I say, "Thank you, Lyric. Thank you for everything you've done for her, for being there for her and helping her. I don't think she would have made it at first if it wasn't for you." I don't like thinking about how things were before, when SarahBeth first found out she was pregnant. Back when she was scared to tell me, afraid of my reaction and my feelings for her. I don't want her to ever feel that way again.

  David releases SarahBeth, letting her sit back down beside me just as the waitress brings our lunch. SarahBeth and Lyric discuss baby furniture and layettes while he and I watch, having no idea what half the stuff they are talking about is. The rest of the meal passes quickly, and thankfully the girls talk enough that we don't have to say much else.

  Once we're back in the car, it's time to go break the news to my grandmother. We haven't even told her about the pregnancy yet because SarahBeth has been anxious about her reaction. My grandmother loves her, possibly more than she loves me, so I'm not too worried. She twists her fingers in her lap all the way to my aunt's house, and when we pull into the driveway, I pull her into me, kissing her soundly so she forgets her worries. When I pull away, her cheeks are pink, her eyes are sparkling, and her breathing is just a little too fast. I love the fact that I affect her so much.

  "Come on, Little Bit. Let's go tell Nonna she's going to be a great-grandmother in a few months." I hold my hand out to her, and she takes it, gripping it tightly as we knock on the door.

  My grandmother answers a few seconds later, her smile wide as she sees us. "Nipote!" she exclaims, kissing my cheek. Then, she turns to SarahBeth, grasping her face in her hands and kissing her cheeks, "What are you two doing here? Do you not have work? School?" SarahBeth looks up at me, biting her lip in concern, not sure how to answer my grandmother's question.

  "Hi Nonna," I bend to kiss her papery cheek, "can we come in? We have some news to tell you."

  She smiles widely, "Oh, yes, of course. Come in, come in!" She walks into the house, leaving us to follow her into the kitchen. Gesturing for us to sit at the bar, she asks, "Are you hungry? Thirsty?" Flitting around the kitchen, she starts going through the fridge looking for something to make for us.

  "Nonna," I say with a laugh, "we've already eaten. Come sit down." She looks over at us with a sheepish smile, shutting the fridge before coming to stand across from us. The woman will not sit down, never has. She folds her hands together on top of the bar, waiting patiently for us to tell her our news. I take SarahBeth's hand in mine, raising them to my mouth to kiss the back of hers before turning back to my grandmother. "Nonna, we wanted to tell you that we're having a baby. We found out this afternoon that it's a girl."

  She looks at us in shock, her mouth dropping open as she looks between us. "You're...what? A baby?" The smile on her face is huge, she looks so happy she's about to burst, just like I knew she would. Rushing over to where SarahBeth is sitting, she starts to place her hand on Sarah's stomach, stopping just above it and looking up at her, silently asking her permission. Sarah doesn't speak, she just grabs my grandmother's hand and presses it against her belly, letting my grandmother feel the evidence of the life growing inside her. When she removes her hand, she throws her arms around first SarahBeth, then me, hugging us both tightly, her excitement obvious.

  "When's the baby due? How far along are you? Have you chosen a name?" Much like Lyric, my grandmother spits out questions faster than we can answer.

  We all laugh before SarahBeth starts answering her questions, "She's due December 27th, I'm eighteen weeks, and we have picked a name." She looks over at me, giving me the option of telling the name this time.

  "Her name will be Amelia Grace. Grace was Sarah's mother's middle name, and Amelia is Italian," I explain.

  Nonna's eyes mist with tears, "Oh nipote, what a wonderful name. It's beautiful." She continues asking SarahBeth questions, but I see Henry standing just outside the kitchen, so standing, I go over to him, wanting to find out what he heard.

  Moving so that we're out of sight, I ask, "What are you doing?"

  "So, having a baby?" He ignores my question, asking one of his own instead, still looking over at where she's talking to my grandmother, her hand resting on the bump under her shirt.

  Sighing, I reply, "Yes, we're having a baby. Why are you standing over here eavesdropping?" Henry's never been cruel like my aunt, but he's never really been present either. It's always just seemed like he didn't care enough to stand up to her, to protect me.

  "Your grandmother was loud, I didn't know what was going on so I came to check on her. I didn't intend to hear your news." He's making excuses, trying to explain away why he's lurking at doors.

  Wanting to get back to Sarah, especially now that I know we aren't alone in the house, I ask him, "Are you the only one here?" I didn't see any cars, but I know my mother has been coming over some, and the last thing I need is for her to show her face.

  "Yes, your aunt is still at work. Teresa was here first thing this morning causing problems, so your aunt won't be home until much later." He looks suddenly uncertain, and I tense waiting for the other shoe to drop. "Look, I know you hate us, and it's with good reason. We weren't there for you the way we should have been, and for that I'm sorry. You didn't deserve the way you were treated by us and I should have stood up to Connie more. I won't say anything to her if you don't want me to." He looks away. I should feel bad for him, but I just can't bring myself to care. He's apologizing, but it almost seems like too little too late. I know I'm not ready right now to forgive him.

  Thanking him, I turn to head back to SarahBeth, when he says my name. "You're not going to tell Teresa are you? You know she can't find out...she'd only use it against you."

  "No. I don't want my mother to know anything about this. It doesn't concern her at all." Without looking at him, I head back over to SarahBeth, sitting beside her and covering one of her hands with mine. She doesn't stop her conversation, but raises an eyebrow at me, silently asking if I'm okay. Kissing the top of her head, I murmur softly, "I'm fine."

  We visit with my grandmother a little longer, until it's obvious SarahBeth's getting tired, and by the time we arrive back at our apartment, she's fast asleep, her head resting against my shoulder. I try to wake her, but she just mutters non-sensical words, smacking my hand away as she sleeps. Finally, I take her in my arms, thankful someone is coming out the residence entrance as I walk up, holding it open so I can bring her inside. I get her up to the front door, but I have to put her on her feet in order to unlock it. She leans against me heavily, barely conscious until I'm able to pick her up once more. Shutting the door with my foot as I walk through, I take her into the bedroom, pulling off her shoes before getting rid of my own. I slide into bed beside her, holding her close while she sleeps, thinking about all the ways our lives are going to change in just a few short months, and all the things we still need to do in order to be ready for her.

  Jeremy

  The next few months pass quickly, the majority of our time spent getting things ready for Amelia. That doesn't mean that everything was easy, because it wasn't. Sarah and I got in a huge fight when I came home from work one evening to find her painting the second bedroom with Olivia and Lyric. She was adamant that she picked a paint that was safe for pregnant women, even though I'd offered more than once to pay people to paint. SarahBeth was determined to do everything herself.

  Our other big argument was over a crib. She wanted one that was less expensive, while I wanted one that would change into a toddler bed and then a twin bed as the baby gets older. She
didn't like the idea of spending so much money when she isn't working, when she isn't contributing to our finances. It doesn't matter that I make more than enough to support the three of us, or that she has a trust fund left to her by her parents, she wanted to get a job. Luckily, I had David on my side for that one. We were both determined that she'd finish out fall semester, taking extra classes to ensure she'd be able to graduate early, which she did.

  My mom was arrested in October for propositioning an undercover cop, and once she was in jail I paid her debts to ensure SarahBeth and our baby's safety. Not having that hanging over our heads was a huge relief. Teresa doesn't even know about the baby, although my aunt and uncle have apologized for the way things were handled when I was young. Constance wants to be a part of the baby's life, but we haven't made any decisions on that yet. Sarah wants to wait and see how things go until Amelia gets here before she lets my aunt be around her. I can't blame her, I'm not completely sure I trust anything my aunt says or does. But, babies do have a way of bringing people together, so anything is possible.

  Thanksgiving was a mess. My grandmother, Constance and Henry, along with Lyric's sisters, her brother and her step-brothers all came to David's house. It's probably the biggest "family" dinner the house has ever seen. SarahBeth had a blast letting everyone feel her belly and having David and I spoil her rotten the entire day. She and Lyric helped my grandmother with the cooking, something we teased her relentlessly about - but, at least no one had to eat giblets this time.