Worth the Risk (St. James Book 3)

by Jamie Beck

  For as long as he could remember, Jackson had also tried to emulate his father. But now he realized he’d gone about it the wrong way. Instead of pursuing his own values and passions, Jackson had strived to impress his father and prove himself the equal of his brother or sister. Ironically, freedom had been the unexpected silver lining in no longer caring for his father’s approval.

  David withdrew an envelope from his desk drawer and handed it to Jackson. “Here’s that other information you wanted. I hope it helps.”

  Jackson set the envelope on his lap and looked at his brother. “David, I need something else, too.”

  “Anything.” He waited.

  “For the past several weeks, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about my life and what I want. What I need. I’ve decided to sell my business.”

  “Why?” David leaned forward. “You’ve worked so hard to build it up. This settlement is intended to make sure you can keep things going.”

  “I know all that, but I’m going to make some big changes, and I can’t do it here.”

  “What changes?”

  “I want to live a different life. A quieter one with less pressure—less everything. I want to start fresh and build something that makes me really happy, and a big business isn’t it.”

  “Where will you go?”

  Jackson held up the envelope. “Depends on what this says, in part.”

  “What about your projects, your employees?”

  “There’s a competitor in Fairfield, Mosley Construction. He’s got a solid little outfit and can absorb my guys and finish my existing projects. He and I have spoken a bit. I need to speak with my existing clients, but I need you to make sure everything is done right and I’m fairly compensated.” Jackson crossed his feet. “I’m going to lease my house while it’s on the market. Hopefully it’ll sell soon and I’ll have another bundle of cash to invest.”

  “So you’ll be leaving the area just when we’re finally okay.” David sighed, resignation weighing heavily in his tone. “How about you and Dad? Any progress there?”

  “Not really. I spoke with him briefly to tell him my plans, but it’s gonna take some time before I’m able to see Janet and him without feeling shitty.” Jackson grunted a laugh. “Any tips?”

  “Afraid not. I never could’ve gotten through everything without Vivi. She’s helped me be more forgiving. I try to be worthy of her by taking her advice when it comes to Dad. He’s not perfect, and he’s made some terrible choices, but he also did a lot of things right over the years. I can’t erase the good just because the bad is so distasteful.”

  “I suppose. Maybe acceptance will be my New Year’s resolution.”

  “That’s right around the corner.” David leaned back in his chair. “Will you stick around for Christmas? I can’t believe you’re actually thinking of moving away. I’ll miss you, and Vivi will be disappointed that you won’t be a more involved uncle.”

  “Don’t worry, I’ll be involved. The truth is, I want what you have. Well, not all this.” Jackson waved around the office. “I want what you have with Vivi. And I want time to enjoy it. Mostly, I want peace. As much as I love you all, I need something and someone of my own. Worst that can happen is my plans fall through, and I start over again. Seems there are lots of second chances out there if you’re not afraid to ask.”

  “Lucky for us.”

  “It’s crazy to think about how much things have changed since Mom died.” He glanced at the picture of his mother on David’s credenza.

  David followed his gaze and smiled. “For the first time in years, I feel like we’ll all be okay without her. Cat’s finally in a good relationship. I’m about to be a father. And you’ve put your own demons to rest.”

  “Speaking of demons, I saw Alison.” Jackson sank deeper into the chair.

  David’s brows rose. “Where?”

  “Online. I needed some kind of closure, so I went online and stalked some of her posts to see what her life looks like.”

  David’s expression turned uncharacteristically meddlesome. “What did you glean from your snooping?”

  “She’s in love . . . with herself. Selfies galore, shopping posts, all bullshit. Not sure how I never saw how self-absorbed she was, but now that I do, I’m glad she’s not my wife, and really glad we’re not parents together. It would’ve been a disaster. In a twisted way, she made the right choice for all of us. It hurts to admit that, but given how messed up I’ve been, I can’t honestly say I’d have been a good father. But I will be someday, when everything is right.”

  “I’m sure of it.”

  Oliver stepped into David’s office. “Funds are transferred. Doug and his lawyer are on their way out. Shall we have lunch?”

  “You two go ahead.” Jackson stood. “I’ve got some things to take care of at home this afternoon.”

  Jackson tucked the envelope beneath his arm and said good-bye.

  He bought a coffee at Grand Central and then took a seat on a Metro-North express train to Connecticut. Once settled, he opened the envelope and began reading the information David had pulled together on Vermont’s child custody laws.

  Gabby helped Luc out of his car booster seat and then walked him up the snowy walkway to Noah’s front door for his first ever sleepover with his father. All morning her stomach had been flipping like a gymnast on the balance beam, and she felt as precarious, too. Yet each time doubts surfaced, she looked at her son’s face, which beamed with excitement.

  Noah, for all his faults, had persisted in his desire to play more of a role in Luc’s life even after Gabby had made it clear that she would never, ever take him back.

  It had taken Noah a week to admit that Jackson hadn’t had that drink. Then it took another week and very strong signals from her lawyer (and, to a lesser extent, his) for him to accept that, even if Jackson were in town and dating Gabby, Noah didn’t have sufficient evidence to support a winning claim that Gabby was reckless or unfit. After a few heated arguments, he’d finally agreed to meet with a mediator, and Gabby had successfully avoided shared custody by agreeing to a generous visitation schedule in exchange for a minimal amount of financial support.

  She’d taken control of her life and, for the most part, felt better. Her only pang of regret involved Jackson. He crossed her mind on a daily basis, mostly in the quiet moments. She refrained from texting or calling. It’d be easier on him if he never heard from her again. But with Christmas on the horizon, she couldn’t help but say a little prayer for his peace of mind and happiness. Hopefully he’d found a way to reconnect with his family instead and not given in to his urge to drink.

  Gabby blew out a breath and knocked on the door. Noah opened it with a smile and looked right at Luc. “Hey, little man. You all set for the best night of your life?”

  When Noah smiled like that, Gabby recalled how he’d sucked her under his spell at seventeen. He could make someone feel like she was the center of his universe—until she wasn’t. Hopefully he wouldn’t flake out on Luc the way he’d done with so many women. Then again, Luc would have to learn how to handle life’s ups and downs like every kid in the history of the world.

  “Here’s his blanket, Bingo, and his bag. There’s a toothbrush and nighttime pull-up. Sometimes he still wets the bed at night, so I thought I’d pack one for you. He might be nervous here because it’s unfamiliar. Don’t be surprised if he wakes up at night and cries out or something. If you need any help or anything, call me and I’ll come right over. And don’t give him chocolate after five or he’ll never sleep. And he likes you to read at least three books, and—”

  “Relax, Gabs.” Noah took the bag from her hands. Although he’d accepted his defeat, he hadn’t liked it. For now, he played things cool with her. Hopefully one day they’d be able to both let go of the past and be friends. “I got it covered. Everything will be fine.”

  Her nose tingled and she blinked back tears. Bending down, she gave Luc a bear hug. “You be good for Daddy, buster. Listen to all t
he rules, okay?”

  “Okay, Mama.” He tried to pull away, but she held him tighter.

  “Let’s do our nighttime kisses now since I won’t be here later.”

  He nodded and then kissed her nose and forehead and she did the same. “I love you, sweet pea. See you tomorrow for lunch, okay?”

  “Bye bye, Mama.” Luc barely waved before barreling behind Noah’s legs and into the house.

  She stood frozen on the doorstep. Her throat hurt. “I’ve never been away from him since the day he was born.”

  “Enjoy the break.” Noah patted her shoulder with an air of condescension. “I swear he’ll be fine. I’ve got pizza and ice cream and Dory. We’re all good.”

  “Okay.” She still couldn’t move. “I’ll see you tomorrow at noon.”

  “See you tomorrow.” Noah closed his door.

  Gabby walked to her car and then sat at the wheel and cried. It took a few minutes for her to remember that this was good for Luc. To be grateful that she and Noah had found a compromise. To embrace the idea that she’d have a few nights of freedom each month when she could meet a friend for dinner, or sleep in, or go on a date. Not that there was anyone worth dating, but maybe one day.

  The drive home—normally a five-minute ride—seemed to stretch on for an hour. She dreaded going home, having no idea what she’d do with herself all afternoon. Her dad had gone to some Rotary club event, so she’d be alone, rattling around the empty house.

  Restlessly, she turned into her driveway and then, stunned by the sight of Jackson’s Jeep, almost forgot to hit the brakes. She blinked and checked the Connecticut plates again to make sure her imagination hadn’t just played a nasty trick.

  When he stepped out of the car holding a bouquet of flowers, tears filled her eyes. No use trying to look pretty. She slid out of the truck cab and waved dumbly. “Hi.”

  “Hey.” Jackson crossed to her and handed her the flowers, his eyes drinking her in. “I was hoping we could talk.”

  “Sure.” She took the bouquet without taking her eyes off his face. So many questions raced through her mind, but all she could think to ask was, “How are you?”

  “Better,” he said. “Let’s go inside. It’s freezing out here.”

  “Okay.” They walked toward the house, and again she fumbled for words. “Are you hungry?”

  “No.” He grinned, and her heart melted.

  She walked to the kitchen, feeling self-conscious and awkward, like a preteen on a first date. She busied her hands by trimming the flower stems and putting the bouquet in a vase while Jackson took a seat at the table. With nothing left to do, she poured them both a glass of water and sat down.

  In keeping with her default response to nerves, she teased him. “You sure came a long way for a conversation. You know, there’s this thing called the phone . . .”

  “I’ve never done anything the easy way, so why start now?” He leaned forward and grasped her hand. “Besides, I wanted to see you, and FaceTime wouldn’t cut it.”

  “I’m glad to see you. You look good . . . healthy.” Those words had been stuck in her throat since she’d seen the Jeep. She didn’t want to move a muscle, desperate to preserve the moment for as long as possible.

  He glanced around the room, appearing to take note of the red-ribboned wreath now hanging on the back door. “I know my arrival puts you in a tough spot with Noah, but I want to talk about that.”

  “Actually—”

  “Hold that thought and listen. I have something . . . a Christmas present of a sort.” Jackson pulled out a manila envelope. “I had David do a little research about Noah’s rights. If I were drinking excessively and he could prove it, he might have some kind of leverage, but that’s not the case. I swear I haven’t had a drink since August twenty-ninth. That’s almost four months ago. So I don’t think I’m a serious threat to your custody situation. But beyond that, I know you don’t want to live in fear of my needing a drink. Just so you know, Doc thinks one day I could occasionally enjoy a social drink, but I won’t if that would cause you anxiety. I don’t need it anymore. Honestly, I don’t even miss it much these days. What I do miss is you.”

  Gabby’s eyes glanced over the memo that David had written, and she thumbed through printouts of case law. “I can’t believe you went to all this trouble. Thank you for caring, Jackson, but with you living so far away and the way you took off, I’m surprised you went through the effort.”

  Jackson’s hopeful smile faded and his expression turned serious. “Last time I saw you was one of the worst days I can remember. A big part of me about gave up. But Noah, of all people, ended up intervening and the whole day became a major turning point for me. The long drive home gave me time to think about everything. As a result, I’m making a lot of changes, and one of them depends on you.”

  “Me?” Her pulse began to race. “How?”

  “Between speaking with Doc all month and reminiscing with David and Cat, I’ve recalled a bunch of stuff I’d forgotten . . . or not so much forgotten as buried. The bottom line is that I’ve realized a lot of things I’d put into place weren’t actually making me happy. I’d chased after a big bank balance instead of focusing on things that really matter to me.

  “Between the crazy project schedule, the terrible choices in women, and the drinking, I’d pretty much turned my back on who I am. But I won’t do that anymore. I’m transitioning my current business to another contractor and then I’m moving out of Fairfield County and starting someplace fresh. Someplace inexpensive. And someplace where I think I can be happy.”

  She’d been holding her breath. “Where?”

  “My first choice is here. I know I can be happy with a small remodeling business that leaves me plenty of time for hiking, fishing, reading, and spending time with you and Luc. But if you’re afraid of my drinking history and don’t want the risk, I’ll find another place.”

  “You want to move to Vermont?” Her heart pumped hard inside her chest.

  “I want to be where you are. And I think you know I’m crazy about Luc,” Jackson joked, then glanced around. “Where is he, anyway?”

  “He’s with Noah.”

  Jackson’s eyes widened. “Has he already taken you to court?”

  “No.” Gabby shook her head. “We came to an agreement. I’ve got sole custody, but he has regular visitation with Luc. Tonight is Luc’s first sleepover there.”

  “How do you feel about that?” He touched her hand again.

  “Terrified.” She bit her lip.

  He paused, and she could tell that he was quickly assessing his own thoughts.

  “I think it’s the right thing. David says establishing paternity is important for a lot of things, like survivorship benefits, medical stuff, not to mention Luc’s sense of identity.” Jackson frowned then, looking disappointed. “So, maybe my being here will make waves when this truce is still fresh. I don’t want to cause any trouble for you.”

  “Noah realizes he can’t control my personal life through Luc. The lawyers and mediator warned him the court wouldn’t look kindly on that manipulation, either. I think he knows he went too far.”

  “Oh.” Jackson’s expression brightened. “Then all I need to know is whether or not you still care about me.”

  “Do you even need to ask? I fell for you that second day, when you built Luc’s swing set, and nothing’s changed for me since then.”

  “But you did want me to take more time. I’m not a patient guy, though, and I don’t need time to know how I feel about you. Still, if you need more time . . .”

  “I am concerned about the drinking, but I believe you when you say you’ve got it under control. You’ve never broken your word to me, which is more than I can claim. Given the way I let you down, are you sure you want to change your whole life for me?”

  “I’m not doing it all just for you, but I’m sure I want you to be in the picture.”

  “I can’t believe you’re really sitting here saying all this.” Finally
she let the tears fall.

  “Believe it, Gabby, and let me be part of yours and Luc’s lives.”

  She leapt onto his lap. “I was having the worst day until I pulled into the driveway. Now I’m so happy. I might make it through my first night without Luc without falling apart.”

  Jackson cupped her face and kissed her, and her entire body melded against his. It all seemed like a too-good-to-be-true dream—a really vivid one. She’d spent so many nights remembering and missing these kisses. Yearning to be locked in the safety of his arms again. She could kiss this man forever, but her body cried out for more.

  When she unbuttoned the first button of his shirt, he asked, “Where’s your father?”

  “Rotary club.” She kissed him and unbuttoned another one.

  “Maybe we should take this reunion to the apartment so we don’t give him another stroke if he walks in.” He nuzzled her neck.

  “Good idea.” She rose from his lap and snatched the apartment key from the junk drawer. “Race you.”

  EPILOGUE

  May

  Jackson proudly took his place with Cat at the altar, standing beside David, Vivi, and little Graciela—Gracie—Marie St. James. David and Vivi had named their daughter after his mother, which she would’ve loved. His mom had adored Vivi from the first time she’d come for a sleepover in eighth grade, and although she would never meet her firstborn grandchild, Jackson knew she would be her granddaughter’s guardian angel.

  Jackson laid his hand on Gracie as Vivi held her daughter’s head over the baptismal font. Grace wailed when Father Fernando poured water over her head. Jackson covered a smile and then caught Cat grinning, too.

  “She’s fussy, like me,” Cat whispered.

  “We’re all in trouble,” he replied.

  David and Vivi were too absorbed by their daughter’s distress to pay much attention to Cat and Jackson’s joking. He glanced at the pews and spotted Gabby, who was sitting with his father and Janet.