Lost Souls

by John Van Stry

  "Magic," she purred.

  I pondered that a moment, I knew of magic, but was not a practitioner myself, having no abilities at all there.

  "What kind of magic?" I asked staring down at her.

  Tam glanced up at me, and I guess she saw my concern. Scrying someone is not an easy trick. Scrying someone at a great distance, after a long absence, took a lot of power, and a certain level of attachment. Both things I wouldn't have expected from Tam, even if she was curling up with me every night now.

  "Your Clan Mother helped me," she winked and flicked an ear. "Once I had your trail, it wasn't hard to keep it."

  I nodded and started walking again. "So you've taken to the arts then?"

  She ducked her head in a nod. "The Elves are teaching me."

  "I'm surprised they let you leave."

  She rumbled a laugh, "There weren't a lot of choices. If I didn't go, Clint said we might not find you."

  I got the feeling that there was an implied "in time" appended to the end of that sentence. Curiouser and curiouser

  Later that night when we finally settled down to make camp; Jenna came over while Clint and Tam went out to hunt up some dinner.

  "Why don't you shift, Jareth?" She asked looking up at me; I could see the concern in her eyes.

  I paused, "It's been a long time, Jenna, a very long time."

  She looked worried "How long?"

  "Uh... at least three years I think... maybe four? I'm not sure. It hasn't been safe living out among Humans all the time, most don't know what I... What we are."

  "You're not among Humans anymore though. Don't you want to shift?"

  "Okay," I sighed and closed my eyes. My true form, that was what I wanted now. That which I had been forced to spurn for more months than I could count, that which had caused only problems among the humans, who didn't understand. The thing that had once meant so much to me, that had been the central part of my self until another had claimed that status, but then came the exile....

  I turned my thoughts from that track and tried to concentrate on shifting; it had been so long, so very long.

  "Jareth?" I heard the worry in her voice.

  It is said we can't be stopped from shifting, that all it takes is the desire, and the change will happen.

  But first, you had to have the desire....

  "Jareth? What's wrong?"

  "I..." I swallowed, "I don't know." I looked at the ground, and then back at her. With a sigh I laid out my bedroll.

  "Aren't you going to try again?"

  "No."

  "But...."

  "No!" I said curtly. "And you won't speak of this to the others. I don't need any sympathy after this many years."

  "So what do I tell them? They're sure to ask."

  "Tell them I'm coming back as what the council made me."

  She nodded slowly and sighed, "It's going to cause problems."

  "I know. I know. But there's no helping it, problems are all that I have had for so many days, one more won’t make a difference."

  My dreams were troubled that night. There was something preying on the edge of my mind, something that felt both sinister, and yet welcome. I'd had my share of nightmares while I was still coming to terms with my exile. However, this was different. Bittersweet. It felt like there was something else I'd lost and I just didn't know it yet. Something I wanted, no needed, back in my life. In my dreams it was there, just on the edge of consciousness, just barely out of reach, so important, but I couldn't put a name on it.

  However, I knew it wasn’t my true form.

  The next day I passed in silence, withdrawn from the rest and lost in my own brooding thoughts as we traveled. No one said anything to me after the first few exchanges were met with only nods or gestures. That night, Tam changed to human form when she curled up with me and asked me softly what was wrong.

  "I had a dream," I whispered softly back. I didn't know if we were far enough away for Clint and Jenna not to hear, and didn't care really. "I'm missing something, I don’t know what, and I don’t know why." I lied, I think I knew the what, though I wasn’t sure about the why. “The timing of it, dreaming it now, it was unsettling.”

  “I’m not surprised that returning home would stir some bad memories, it has been a while after all.”

  “No, it’s not that,” as I said it, I knew it was true. Something else had stirred that dream; it had come from without, not within. But, how could such a thing happen?

  She nodded and moved against me. "Well, maybe you just need to relax more," she whispered huskily.

  I gave a weary smile and shook my head. “I don’t think relaxing is what you have in mind, Tam.”

  “So?” She purred.

  “So, tonight my heart isn’t in it. Go to sleep.”

  She looked at me surprised and grumbled, but eventually she settled down and curled up against me. I looked at her as she fell asleep; soft and warm, and very much interested. I suddenly felt guilty, but about what?

  I had very confused dreams that night as well.

  The next day the road started to wind its way up into the mountains. From this point on until it came back down the other side, it would be easier to go on all fours, but I would not of course. No one asked why I didn't shift, and Tam of course now shifted back most evenings that she spent with me and I was grateful for the company. I don't know what, if anything, Jenna told them about my not shifting and I didn't ask.

  I don't think I cared.

  Elsewhere

  She stirred in her sleep. That in itself was not unusual, since she had come here with her master things had been hard. There was much to be done, and she usually had to do it alone, her master relied on her heavily and shortcomings were never tolerated. The lesser races that her master had either hired or persuaded to help her in this service often had to be punished in order to be made to perform adequately. Threats and curses were now a standard part of the ritual of giving out the daily tasks and orders. At first she'd had to make examples everyday of at least one of them. She hated that, it was wasteful and slowed her down, and she found the things she must do distasteful. However, signs of weakness would have set them against her, and endangered her own well-being. So, by meting out harsh punishments, she showed them that she was stronger than they were, tougher, meaner. To be feared and obeyed, just like they obeyed their master, her master.

  She stirred again, dreams of revenge and power drifting away, to be replaced with a sense of loss that she hadn't felt in ages. Loss is a sign of weakness, her master had often told her, to feel it is to be it. During the waking hours, she could easily banish such thoughts, but tonight her sleeping mind rebelled, giving just the fleeting touch of something that was no longer hers.

  She stirred almost to wakefulness then, almost but not quite, like a swimmer coming close to the surface, but not breaking it. Ripples flowed out across her thoughts; something somewhere had triggered something from her past, something possessing a power to disturb her dreams, her unconscious thoughts. Though the power was too weak to intrude on her waking mind, here in the half world of dreams and unrealized desires her mind's power fed the ripples, until she woke suddenly with a start....

  "Who's there?" She called out, sitting up quickly in bed. A brief look around the room showed no one, the wave of a well-manicured hand and a muttered spell caused nothing to appear, no alarms to sound.

  Getting out of bed, she walked to the window casement, the rugs on the floor almost thick enough to keep the cold of the stone beneath from her bare feet. There was no window in the frame; she had more important tasks to deal with than windows this high up. A simple warding spell kept out the rains and the insects, thus insuring her comfort. Looking out across the land, she surveyed the night skies as she pondered her master’s domain, his latest orders, and his enemy's latest move. The current commander of the queen's army had been seen boarding a boat with two others, it was pure luck that she'd found out about it. An agent was able to follow him to the town
of Merrick, before the trail had grown cold. She smiled evilly at the thought of the little surprise her master had ordered the agent to arrange, should he return that way.

  A meteor suddenly appeared in the constellation of the lovers, almost bringing a snarl to her face, thinking that even the gods would mock her, shame her. But, when it exploded into nothingness before it had even gone halfway across the constellation, she laughed.

  "Like an arrow in the heart."

  She said and laughed again, and then with a yawn, returned to her warm bed. Her master had assured her they had several months yet, before their enemy actively moved against them. She believed his assessment; he'd been right in everything else he had predicted to her before. For now, there was still much work she had to have done, and much to do herself as well. With her master attending to his own plans, she dare not slacken for a moment in completing things in accordance with his wishes. His commands were always the most exact, and his displeasure was most dangerous, even the slightest disappointment could bring hours of pain, as she knew well from very personal and repeated experience.

  She shuddered, but not from the cold, as she wrapped herself in her blankets and fell back asleep. Fortunately, the nightmares that were usually triggered by such thoughts of her master’s way of dealing with those things that displeased him did not come this night, something else seemed to be holding them at bay.

  And that chilled her almost as much....

  Midland Mountains

  Summer was still coming in the mountains when we started up the trail into them. The passes would be cold, but at least there was no danger of them being closed by a sudden storm. It had taken well over a week of steady travel to get here, not quite a forced march, but pretty close. Clint was obviously chaffing to get back; I was starting to be of two minds about it myself however.

  It had been over six years since I had even talked with another Shrean. Eight since I'd seen a clan member much less a sibling. Now that I was finally among my own again, I could spend hours just listening to them chat and not say a word of my own. Part of it was I really didn't know what to say anymore when they talked about the people or things back home. I’d been away and out of the loop for so long, and it made me wonder that if I had changed that much; how long would it take me to fit back in?

  Part of me wondered if I ever would. We’re a gregarious race, we Shreans, and to be totally cut of from all contact with others of your own, was not an easy thing. To be stuck among people who really had no idea who or what you are, that had made it even worse. As punishments go, exile is a pretty damning one for us, more so when it is you alone. But, after this many years, I’d come to terms with it. However, I was afraid that I just wasn’t who I once was anymore.

  "Something on your mind?" Jenna asked. I had started to notice in the last several days that whenever they had a concern about me that my sister was the one who got to voice it.

  "What do you mean?" I asked. I knew what she meant of course, but I was curious as to how she'd say it.

  "Well, I've just been noticing how quiet you've been all day." She rumbled, padding alongside in cat form.

  "And the day before that, and the day before that, and the day before that..." Tam added.

  I shrugged, smiling a little wanly. "Habit I guess, living among Humans there wasn't much I could talk about for so many years, so I didn't. Plus a lot of your conversations are about people and places back home, so I'm interested to hear what's been going on."

  "Surely you learned something interesting after all those years among them,” Jenna said.

  I nodded, "Yes, I did. I learned a lot about how they live and act, and deal with each other. And how to pass myself off as one of them."

  "Doesn't really sound like a lot."

  I laughed, "There's a lot more to it then you might think. We don't usually notice some of the finer aspects of it because we don't live among them, we live either in our own communities in the forests, or among the Elves who know what we are and accept us. But Humans, they notice it about you, the lack of those finer aspects that is, and after a while, people tend to think you're strange and get curious about you. Or worse yet, they get worried about you, and then they can be very paranoid. So, until I learned what all of those little things were, like chatting up some barmaid, bitching about the local mayor, or complaining over the price of ale, I'd have to move on constantly, or I'd start to attract the wrong kind of attention to myself.

  "But I'd say the biggest difference I discovered between us and them is that we know our place in our community, in the world. We're almost born knowing it. Humans don't, they have to figure it out for themselves. That's the biggest difference."

  "Doesn't seem like a lot," Jenna said.

  "Well, try losing your own purpose for a few years, and you'll see just how much it is." I said quietly.

  "Good point." She replied softly giving my thigh a little head butt as we walked.

  There was an awkward silence for a few moments and I sighed shaking my head.

  “Look, I’m sorry I’m being so quiet, but I do have a lot on my mind. I’m not trying to shut any of you out; it’s just taking a while to adjust. And well, some of it is just that I don’t know what to say. I could spend the next day telling you about all the Goblins I killed around here. I spent the better part of a year ranging all throughout this area, especially on the other side of these mountains. Killing them, and turning their heads in for the bounty.

  “But well, you’d probably find it boring.”

  “So bore us already,” Tam said.

  I shrugged and spent the rest of that day recounting the more interesting, or challenging, of the many kills I’d made here.

  “You must have made a lot of money doing that,” Jenna said when we finally stopped for the night to camp.

  “Not really, after a while they started to lower the bounty, because I was bringing down so many.”

  “Well that’s not very fair!” Jenna laughed.

  I shrugged, “The captains of the two forts where I was turning in the heads to claim the bounties felt bad about it, so they’d let me sleep in the barracks and eat with the men for free after a while.

  “Besides, I enjoyed the work!” I said smiling.

  “With Goblins, who wouldn’t?” Clint said nodding.

  After we made camp for the night, I thought about the habits I’d had to develop while living in exile. They may have been important then, but they weren’t anymore and I started to wonder what other bad habits I had picked up, or other changes that had taken place in me, that I had not been aware of?

  Put a sword away for years and when you took it out again it would have some rust on it. Maybe worse if you didn't watch where you had put it. I started to eye Clint a little more carefully when we made camp that night, noticing some of the little things in his gear and his appearance. Most of those things I'd kept up, but some others I realized I had let slip as well. I used to be fastidious about my appearance, as a leader and a commander, and many times as a representative of both my people and the Havens. I had always made sure everything about me was clean, neat, well-mended and perfectly ordered.

  Now? The only things well-mended and well-ordered were my weapons. While the blades and such were clean the harnesses and scabbards were hardly so. As for my clothing, it was rather plain and dull and obviously worn. It was shabby, and I suddenly realized I probably looked a bit shabby as well. Especially if I were to compare myself to Clint, or what I had once looked like.

  None of it boded well for my ego, or my own self-image. It made me feel like less than who I was.

  The next morning I decided to start making some changes in my behavior. I had responsibilities and duties once; it was time to start living up to them again. I got up and walked over to Clint.

  "Get your swords, its practice time."

  He looked up at me a bit surprised, "Practice?"

  "Yeah, I want to find out what kind of tom my kid sister picked," I said to him
with a slight grin. "And just how much of my edge I've lost," I thought to myself.

  He changed then and we found a spot in amongst the trees with a little room. I found it interesting that he fought with two swords, like I did. I also found several other similarities in our styles. He was very good, very good. Which both pleased me, and concerned me. He held his own for quite a while. I knew that eight years ago I would have been faster, better, I had no equal back then, and shouldn’t have one even today. But I did now and I was facing him. Life had been easy the last couple of years and I no longer practiced daily, sometimes I barely practiced once a week, I had gotten lazy and it showed. As it was, I had to resort to a few tricks in order to score points that I would never have relied on in the past.

  "Not bad, I'm impressed." I said when I signaled it was time to stop. I considered a few things that had come to mind, "I seem to remember a young cub that used to follow me around at times." I smiled and looked over at him; he did seem a bit embarrassed. "Nice to see he did well for himself."

  "I see you've kept up on your skills," he said.

  I bristled a little, knowing the truth, and wondering if he did as well and was just being polite. I just gave a little shrug. "Those skills had a lot to do with me earning a living, I sold my sword. Though I admit it has been a good many years since I’ve encountered a worthy challenge."

  He nodded; it was not uncommon for some Shrean to work as mercenaries when not working for the Elves.

  I looked over at the girls, "Who's next?"

  In Shrean society, everybody fought. Plus, working with each of the girls in turn would force me to work that much more and practice that much harder. Something I had to admit to myself now, that I needed.

  Jenna sighed and stood, “Me, I guess.”

  To be honest, I was tempted to just call it a day, part of me wondered why I was even bothering. But there was still enough of my old pride left that I guess I thought I could regain what I lost, if I only just tried hard enough.