Finding Mikayla

by Samantha Christy

  Mitch,

  The irony of this letter is not lost on me. It wasn’t too long ago I was writing to Jeff, thinking I’d never see him again. But, he came back against all odds. Does that mean there is hope that you will, too? I’ve waited for you every day. And every day I think you will come back simply from the sheer power of my love for you.

  I know you’ll never read this. I know you’ll never answer the one question I wish I could ask you. What the hell were you thinking? Love like this doesn’t happen more than once. It’s the kind of forever-love you read about in books. Yes—even those books.

  So now that you are gone and there is literally no way I can find you, I’m destined for what—a life of mediocre love? Can I even settle for that, having experienced so much more? Can you?

  I think every day, every minute, about the promise you made to me. Will you keep it? Can you keep it? Maybe some promises are meant to be broken. Like the one you made Jeff. But, then again, when you really think about it, you didn’t let him down at all. In fact, you did quite the opposite. You found me, you took care of me, you loved me. You made me happier than I’d ever been. Ever. How is that breaking your promise?

  But you left me no choice, Mitch. So, now I’ll go tuck this letter in a shoebox among countless others, right alongside the one you wrote to me. I’ll get into bed and if I sleep, I’ll dream of you like I do every night. Then, I’ll wake up tomorrow and try to start living again.

  Forever,

  Mikayla

  Chapter Twenty-eight

  I laugh as Jeff strikes out for the second time tonight. It’s kind of sweet how he’s trying so hard to fit into my new life. It’s been two weeks since he made the proposition to me. He hasn’t brought it up since, but I see what he’s doing. The softball games, the flirty banter at work, the longing gazes. But, I have to give him credit for not pushing me.

  Even though he’s technically Army, Jeff is playing on my team tonight. Participation has been dwindling with so many people leaving Camp Brady. Our community that once approached a thousand people is down by almost half now. The colonel has agreed to stay on here until every last person has a place to go—a daunting task considering we have residents such as Timmy and his alcoholic mother.

  Most people are headed to Jacksonville. Some have gone to Miami or Tampa; places we heard are also growing areas. Some, like Pam and Craig, are getting farmland. They moved out a few days ago. I’m sad that I won’t get to see her on a daily basis, but I’m happy that she’s found her future. They are only ten miles from here, but even being that close it still takes a while on a bike or a horse to get there. We may technically be neighbors, but it’s not like we’ll be setting up weekly coffee dates at Starbucks anytime soon. Pam said they will come back often, and of course, they will be making a big appearance in a few weeks when the colonel marries them.

  Jeff and Holly still talk of leaving for Jacksonville. However, the colonel asked that we stay on until more people leave. It’s a relief really, because I’m still torn. On one hand, I don’t want to go to Jacksonville, but on the other hand, almost everyone I know will be going. Except for Pam, there will be nobody here for me.

  I shake off my thoughts and take a few practice swings before going up to bat. As I step up to the plate, I’m picturing that big yellow softball as Mitch’s face. The face that ruined my plans for the future.

  Smack! I make solid contact and the ball flies past Tom, who is covering first base. It’s a near-perfect hit, right down the base line. The runner on second base easily makes it home. Then, thanks to a bad throw by the outfielder, I make it all the way home, narrowly escaping a tag at home plate.

  My entire team comes out to cheer for me and I get caught up in the celebration. All of a sudden, I’m being picked up and by the time I realize that it’s Jeff’s arms around me, it’s too late to stop his lips from finding mine. His kiss is somewhat familiar and oddly comforting. Still, I pull away because I feel the guilt creep into my head. I don’t miss the disappointment in his eyes.

  When we’re done celebrating my walk-off home run, Jeff grabs my hand and pulls me to the side. “Was it really that bad?” he asks. “Being with me?”

  I shake my head and look to the ground. No, it wasn’t that bad. In fact, it was pretty great at times. But, it wasn’t like it was with Mitch. It wasn’t heart-stoppingly, breath-takingly wonderful.

  “Kay, I know you love the guy, but he’s gone. It’s been over a month now. I don’t think he’s coming back and I think you know that, too.” He lifts my chin so our eyes meet. “We were good for each other once. We loved each other. Out of respect for that, don’t you think you at least owe us a chance?”

  I close my eyes and think about what he has said. I know he’s right. Mitch isn’t coming back. People who leave here don’t come back. The world is a different place now. We have to make difficult decisions—decisions that we may not have made a year ago.

  I go over the options in my head for the millionth time. Jeff is a nice guy, a gorgeous and skilled surgeon. He’s good to me and he seems to want this so badly. Hell, even Mitch wanted this. What choice do I have? I take a deep breath and resign myself to settling for, what was it . . . compatible mediocrity?

  I let out a sigh and whisper, “Okay.”

  His eyes go wide and his face lights up. “Okay?” he asks.

  I nod my head.

  He pulls me into his arms. He rubs his hands down my back in that familiar way that he used to. “Thank you, babe,” he whispers in my ear.

  We grab our things and head over to the bonfire. Jeff and I hold hands the entire way. I try to enjoy the feel of my fingers entwined with his. I want to be happy. I can make myself be happy, right? So, then why is my subconscious wagging her finger at me and calling me a traitor?

  ~ ~ ~

  “Damn, Kay,” Holly says, looking all dreamy-eyed at Jeff. “How do you get so freaking lucky in the boyfriend department?”

  I look over at Jeff. Yes, he’s hot. My boyfriend is hot.

  My boyfriend.

  My boyfriend, Jeff.

  I’ve had to keep reminding myself for the past week that’s who he is again. I’ve made the decision to be happy. Whether my heart likes it or not, my brain is now in control. Jeff catches us staring and winks over at us. Holly giggles and I swear she even blushes. I realize I never do that anymore. Blush. I don’t think I’ve blushed in weeks. I shake my head to rid the thought.

  “Go get your own, Hol,” I joke.

  “Awww, come on Kay. I’m your best friend. Don’t best friends share?” We laugh as we file away the paperwork of more residents that have left the camp.

  “Aren’t I sharing him with you enough as it is?” I ask. “I mean, good Lord, how many procedures did he teach you this week?”

  “Only five or six,” she says. “It’s been a slow week.” She gives me a wink. “That man’s brain is almost as sexy as his body.”

  Well, she’s got that right. His brain is what initially attracted me to him. He has so much knowledge to offer. He was a wonderful mentor in medical school. Is it possible to simply be in love with someone’s skill and make that be enough on which to build a relationship?

  When Jeff passes by my chair, he squeezes my arm when he leans down to plant a quick kiss on my head. I smile up at him sweetly. Because that’s what girlfriends do, right? They smile sweetly at their boyfriends that are trying seriously hard to please them.

  “It won’t be long, now,” Holly says. “I hear there is another group of fifty that’s leaving for Tampa tomorrow. There already isn’t a need for two doctors and three nurses here. You make up your mind yet?”

  I shake my head.

  “You know that’s why he hasn’t left yet, don’t you? He’s waiting for you to decide.”

  “I know,” I say. “I don’t want to be away from you guys, but I’m still not sure about going back to a big city. I know I need to decide soon and I will.”

  “Did you hear that Amanda a
nd Denny are going, too?” she asks.

  “Yes.” I nod. “I guess that’s just all the more reason for me to go. I think Claire and the colonel will go there, too, once everyone else has left.”

  “God, I can’t wait to get there. I here that they have shipped in huge generators for apartment buildings and that people get a few hours a day of electricity. Can you imagine, Kay? We will be able to take warm showers and flat-iron our hair!”

  I laugh at Holly that after fifteen months of being without electricity, she is excited about a flat iron. It makes me feel guilty, however, for keeping them from leaving. I know that like Jeff, she is waiting on me, hoping I’ll decide to join them.

  The front door opens and in walks Kelly holding three-month-old Toby. They’ve come for his checkup. I get them settled into an exam room and go in search of his chart.

  “Thank God,” Jeff says when he sees me gathering supplies for a patient. “Finally, an actual patient today.” He takes the chart from me and I giggle at how he must always be in motion. We walk back out front where he opens the chart and frowns. He looks in the exam room. “Baby?” he groans.

  “Not just any baby,” I say. “The most adorable baby I’ve ever seen. I delivered him, you know.”

  Jeff rolls his eyes, not looking very happy over the fact that there isn’t carnage to deal with. “You can do it.” He hands me the chart. “Babies aren’t really my thing,” he says, walking away leaving me stunned.

  I turn and go into the exam room. When I pick up little Toby I could swear my ovaries spontaneously release a few eggs.

  Babies aren’t really my thing. I hear Jeff’s words play over and over in my head.

  ~ ~ ~

  “Ready, babe?” Jeff holds his hand out to me and I give the rest of the charts to Holly. It’s only noon, but there are so few patients left here that we all pretty much work half days now.

  “Yup,” I say. “See you later, Hol.”

  “Where to?” he asks, escorting me through the door.

  “I was hoping we could take a ride. I haven’t been on Sassy in a few days. What do you think?”

  He rolls his eyes. “If we have to,” he pouts. “My ass always chafes when I ride,” he murmurs to himself.

  “Fine,” I acquiesce. “We can just walk if you want. There’s a good trail over by the housing development.”

  He smiles over at me. “That sounds perfect,” he says. He reaches out to grab my hand and holds it firmly in his. We walk in silence for a few minutes. Then he asks, “Do you think my mom will marry Colonel Andrews?”

  “I don’t know,” I say. “She appears to be very happy with him. Would it bother you if she did?”

  “No, I think I’d be okay with it,” he says. “I had a long talk with her. She said it took her a long time to move on, but that she’s as happy now as she was with my dad. That says a lot because she was pretty happy before. Maybe it goes to show that you can find happiness more than once in life.”

  I know we are no longer talking about Claire and the colonel.

  “Was it like that for you?” He stops walking and locks eyes with me. “Did you have to accept me as dead in order to move on?”

  Oh, crap. What a loaded question. “Jeff, I—”

  “Don’t answer that,” he interrupts. “I shouldn’t have asked you. I’m sorry.” He pulls me close to him and wraps his arms around me. “I know we live in a different world now and that people do what they need to do to get by.”

  He runs his fingers through my hair and I close my eyes, trying my hardest to savor the feeling. It was always his favorite thing to do. He’d play with my hair when my head was in his lap as we watched TV. He would even reach over and twist my hair with his hand while he was driving. Anything to touch my hair. I never called him on it, but it was almost like a fetish. I can see that’s one thing that hasn’t changed about him.

  “I’ve missed this, babe,” he says. He leans down to kiss me and I let him. We’ve kissed a few times over the past few days, but nothing like this. He’s been taking it slow and I’ve appreciated that. But this kiss—it’s obvious he’s ready for more. He nibbles on my lips and plays with my tongue. He kisses me long and hard and pulls me up against his body. I belatedly realize that my hands are still by my side, so I wrap them around him. I tell myself that this is okay, that I’m doing nothing wrong. I almost have myself convinced of it.

  Then I feel it through his shirt. The long, raised scar that spans from hip to hip and is just above the waistband of his jeans. The scar that will forever tie Jeff and Mitch together. It’s the one thing about Jeff that’ll never stop reminding me of Mitch. He must feel me stiffen. “It’s okay, it doesn’t hurt,” he says through our kisses. “God, please don’t stop touching me.”

  My hands continue to run shakily up and down his back, along the smaller, thinner scars that they sustained together. For one ridiculous second I think maybe I can pretend he is Mitch, but my fingers can’t be fooled, they can tell the difference. The pattern of Jeff’s scars are not the same as those I studied, traced, kissed and memorized night after night.

  I hope he doesn’t stop kissing me because then I would have to explain the tears that threaten to fall from my eyes. Maybe if I avoid his back altogether, I can get past this. I have to get past this. I reach my hands up to his neck and run them through his hair. I focus on this task to keep me from feeling like a loser, a failure . . . a traitor of my own heart.

  “Babe, will you go to Jacksonville with me?” he asks amidst our kisses.

  I pull back and look into his questioning eyes. “Maybe,” I say. “But I’d like a little more time. Pam’s wedding is in two weeks and I’d like to get through that before making any decisions.”

  He picks me up and swings me around with a grin on his face. “I’ll take it. Maybe is better than I hoped for. And that gives me two weeks to work my magic on you,” he teases.

  “Can I ask you something, Jeff?”

  “Anything.” He puts his arm around my shoulders and we start walking again. “You can ask me anything, Kay.”

  “If I decide not to go to Jacksonville, will you still go?”

  The pregnant pause that oozes tension is all the answer I need.

  He sighs. “Babe . . . I have to go. I’m needed there. All surgeons are needed there,” he explains. “How the hell will I improve my skills staying here in the sticks treating injured farmers and snotty-nosed kids?” He gives my shoulder a squeeze. “I still don’t quite understand why you wouldn’t want to go. You are so gifted and you’re just beginning your career. You’d be wasting your talent staying here.”

  “I don’t think of it that way, Jeff,” I say. “Doctors are needed everywhere. Even here. I guess my priorities have changed.” I turn away and mumble to myself, “I like the sticks.”

  “Well, maybe you should change them back. Even Holly is determined to go. Hell, she’s more eager to learn than you are and she’s only a nurse,” he says.

  ~ ~ ~

  I lie here under the stars on this mild spring night tracing Orion with my fingers. I don’t come out here as much as I used to because it makes me sad. I try to concentrate on Pam’s upcoming nuptials and how happy she is. I again think of how I’ve decided to be happy. Can I decide to be happy in Jacksonville?

  Mitch said Jeff and I were meant to be together. But Jeff doesn’t want to stay here for me and I don’t want to go there for him. Jeff doesn’t seem too eager to have kids, yet I long for them. Jeff hates horses—who hates horses? In what world does that make us right for each other?

  Yet, we share the commonality of medicine. We’ve always had that. We were even happy once. If we try hard enough we could be again, right? Or at least we could be compatibly mediocre. That will be enough. It will have to be enough for me.

  Won’t it?

  Chapter Twenty-nine

  “I know it’s not the first wedding here,” Claire says, as we set up the folding chairs that line the aisle up to the altar. “But I
believe it’s the most significant.”

  “What do you mean?” I ask, shielding my eyes from the morning sun as I look over at her.

  “Well, some of our residents have gotten married out of need, out of fear, even out of obligation.” She shoots a raised eyebrow my way before continuing to set up the chair in her hands. “Pam and Craig seem to have found their soulmates in each other. That’s so rare, especially after losing a first love. Believe me, I know.” She smiles brightly and I know she’s thinking about Colonel Andrews.

  Claire concentrates on tying a large white bow around the chair she just placed on the grass. “How wonderful that they found each other in all this. How incredibly special they must feel that they didn’t simply settle for each other; that they didn’t resolve to be anyone’s second best.” She finally looks up at me with a sorrowful face. “Don’t you think so, Kay?”

  All I can do is nod and fumble with the bow I’m trying unsuccessfully to tie. If I try to speak, my voice will crack and the tears welling up in my eyes might fall. Claire is truly amazing. I understand what she’s doing and I love her for it, but it doesn’t change things. How can she not see that I don’t have a choice? This has become my life by default and I’m just going to have to make the best of it.

  ~ ~ ~

  When Pam walks down the aisle, our collective breaths hitch and the world goes silent with the exception of a few birds playing chase in the mid-afternoon sky and the soft strumming of the guitar near the altar. We stare at her in awe. She is breathtaking in a lovely designer dress procured from a warehouse in Gainesville that most likely none of us would have been able to afford before the blackout.

  Waiting for Pam at the altar are Craig and her fidgety three-year-old son, Connor, who are wearing matching tuxes. There are no bridesmaids. No groomsmen. No pomp and circumstance. Just a simple handmade wooden altar adorned with those beautiful purple petunias from the meadow that Holly and I picked this morning.