Finding Mikayla

by Samantha Christy

  Jeff grabs my hand, squeezing it once before placing our joined hands to rest on his thigh. I look at his freshly shaven face that compliments the suit he borrowed from one of the houses on base. He is stunning. He whispers in my ear that I look beautiful and then we both face forward to watch one of my best friends marry the man of her dreams.

  Before the ceremony starts, Pam quickly looks behind us and smiles for a moment, prompting me to turn and see what caught her attention. I’m surprised to see a small group of strangers standing over by the community center. I recall hearing of a group staying here for a few days as they pass through on their way across the state. I guess they were curious about the wedding and stopped for a look. I’m glad they keep their distance, however, since some are pretty scruffy, especially the man with the ball cap pulled low over his forehead.

  Then the hair on my neck rises when I remember that the gates are now open and the perimeter watches have ceased. Seeing these strangers reminds me that John could very well be among them. I should probably start carrying my gun with me.

  I put John out of my mind for now and turn my attention back to the bride and groom as the colonel walks over behind them and starts the ceremony.

  When they recite their heartfelt vows to each other, tears fall from my eyes. Not happy tears. These tears are not joyful at all. They are sad tears. Sad tears because I know that if Jeff and I ever stand up on an altar and exchange vows, I would be a fraud. I love Jeff. Of course I do, and I always will in some way. That’s why I thought maybe we could make this work. But I realize now, watching Pam marry the love of her life, that no matter how hard I’ve tried to force it, I can’t deceive myself this way. Like Claire alluded to earlier, I shouldn’t have to settle for second best and Jeff shouldn’t have to settle on being second best.

  I now know what I have to do. I have to break Jeff’s heart.

  My hand goes limp in his.

  I look over at Jeff, who has obviously been studying me this entire time. Can he see through me? Am I that transparent? We stare at each other. Then my silent questions are answered when he pensively nods at the ground and places my hand back in my lap. He gives me a sad smile and gets up to sneak away as the ceremony comes to an end.

  I look over at Claire, who is watching me intently with narrow eyes. She gives me an understanding nod as if she’s been privy to the telepathic conversation held between Jeff and me.

  Clapping startles me and I shift my gaze back to Pam and Craig as they blissfully make their way back up the aisle. Craig is holding Connor and they are the epitome of the perfect family. Happy tears finally flow down my face as I pull Pam into a hug moments later.

  “You will always have a place at our house,” she whispers in my ear. “For as long as you need, Kay.”

  I’m stunned that even being decidedly otherwise engaged, she noticed that Jeff left and assumed I would need a friend.

  We all walk over to The Oasis where Claire’s kitchen staff has set up an incredible buffet for their reception. We dance, eat and drink late into the night. Pam and Craig are spending their honeymoon in one of the remote houses on base that some helpers set up with candles and wine. Amanda graciously offered to take Connor for a few days while they settle into married life.

  Making my way back to my apartment, I look up at the stars. I smile when I spot Orion and I wonder if the constellation looks the same from California. Is he thinking of me at this very moment? I contemplate lying down and stargazing all night, but then I remember the strangers in town and decide it’s safer to head home.

  When I open my apartment door, Holly stands up and comes over to hug me. “Everything will be alright, Kay,” she says on her way out the front door.

  I’m confused, but only for a second. Because then I see Jeff sitting on the couch, still wearing his dress clothes. However he’s shed his coat and tie and his dress shirt is unbuttoned at the top and looks slightly disheveled. He’s a mess. He looks broken. And I’m about to shatter him.

  He holds my stare and gives me an understanding smile. “You don’t love me,” he says.

  My eyes close as guilt overcomes me. He knows I’m going to break up with him. That’s why he left the wedding. I guess it really was that obvious, the moment I realized we couldn’t be together. I take a few steps into the dimly-lit living room and sit down next to him on the couch. “I’m sorry, no,” I say softly. “Not in that way.”

  He nods his head. “I feel incredibly guilty,” he says, closing his eyes briefly.

  “Why do you feel guilty?” I ask, snapping my eyes up to look at him.

  “I’ve tried so hard to get back what we had, Kay.” He takes my hand in his and I let him. It’s not a romantic gesture on his part. It is a friendly gesture, a sign of support even. “Maybe I feel guilty because I spent so long trying to get back to you that I felt we had to at least try to be together. Maybe I feel bad about Mitch leaving and my ruining that opportunity for you.” He sighs. “Maybe it’s because I felt like I had to win some kind of twisted competition with Mitch.” He shakes his head and looks at the ground. “Most likely, it’s a little of all those things.”

  I attempt to gather my thoughts. I cock my head to the side and stare at him, trying to absorb exactly what he is saying. “Let me get this straight,” I say, incredulously. “This entire time, you’ve been trying to be with me because you thought it was the right thing to do, not because you love me?”

  “Not exactly,” he says. “I mean, I love you. I’ll always love you, Kay. And when I returned, I did think we should be together at first. I was sure of it. Then after a while it became clear to me how different we’ve become. Not different, bad—just different from how we used to be together. And once I realized what Mitch gave up for me, I felt guilty as hell and thought I needed to make it work so his leaving wouldn’t have been in vain.”

  My brow is crinkled and I’m shaking my head, still not quite believing that all these weeks, we’ve both been pretending to be happy together.

  “You don’t know how incredibly sorry I am for that, Kay. I would give anything to be able to find him and get him back to you. You have to know that I truly did want us back when I found you again. I would have never allowed him to leave if I had thought for even a minute that we shouldn’t have been together.”

  Tears of relief cascade down my cheeks. Jeff wipes them for me with his finger.

  “Kay, I hope we will always be friends. You still mean the world to me and I’m glad I found you. I just wish there was something I could do about Mitch. You deserve to be happy. We both deserve to have that great love that we just can’t be for each other anymore.” He laughs sadly. “I knew the minute you felt it at the wedding. I could see it in your eyes. I could feel it in your hand. I knew you had come to the same conclusion. I knew you were going to break it off with me. And I knew I needed to let you.”

  “What do we do now?” I ask through my tears.

  “I go to Jacksonville with the others. And you figure out how to get your happiness.” He rubs a soothing hand across my back. “I hope someday you will find him. Promise me you’ll try.”

  I nod, almost unable to speak through the knot in my throat. “I promise,” I say. “Someday I will go to the ends of the earth to find him. Just like you did for me.”

  For the first time ever, I see a tear roll down his face. “Good,” he says, choking on his words. “Because he is the best man I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing.”

  We hold each other in a long embrace, mourning the relationship that will never again be. Celebrating the friendship that will always remain.

  We talk until after the candle burns down and the moonlight is our only source of illumination. Jeff tells me stories about Mitch and the good times they had in Afghanistan. I’ve heard similar stories from Mitch, but I learn even more about him hearing them from Jeff’s perspective. I’m not sure how I ever got so lucky to have these two amazing men come into my life. And it becomes even more evident to me h
ow they truly became brothers over there. By morning, we have solidified our forever friendship and unwavering support of each other.

  After Jeff leaves, I finally change out of my wedding clothes and get comfortable in my bed. I pull out some paper to write a letter by the brightening light of the sunrise.

  Mitch,

  Tonight I let go of Jeff for the second time. I’ve now had to let go two of the most important men in my life. One a dear friend, the other, the love of my life—my soulmate.

  I get it now after the long talk that Jeff and I had last night. I get why you left. When I felt Jeff’s scar that first time; when I felt that terrible reminder of what the two of you endured together, I think I finally realized the bond that you share. You are more than brothers. You are soulmates. Just as you and I are soulmates.

  So, I understand why you felt like you owed him your happiness. Maybe in some small way you did us a favor. We will never have any doubts now about what could have been between him and me. We simply have a friendship that is stronger than I could have imagined. I will never regret a thing.

  I, too, made a promise to Jeff last night. One I intend to keep no matter how long it takes me.

  Forever,

  Mikayla

  Chapter Thirty

  I’m helping to load supplies into the pickup truck that will take Jeff and the others to Jacksonville. Almost everyone who is important to me is leaving. The colonel has graciously provided them one of the few trucks on base and we are loading it with food and clothing for their journey. It will only take them a few short hours to reach their destination, but they didn’t want to show up empty-handed.

  Colonel Andrews has allotted me many provisions as well. When I leave tomorrow, he will send me off with most of the remaining medical supplies. There is no need to keep them here with most everyone leaving. I thought about staying a while longer, until I figure out exactly what I want to do, but there are just too many memories here. It’s time for me to move on like everyone else.

  I will be taking Sassy with me as well, for which I’m eternally grateful. Craig will be loading up my supplies in his truck—also a gift from the colonel—when he moves me in with him and Pam.

  The colonel comes up behind me. “I’d give you a vehicle as well, Kay, but I’m afraid you’ll do something crazy like high-tail it across the country to find Sgt. Matheson.” He winks at me.

  “Oh, no,” I reply. “You’ve done quite enough for me as it is. There are others that need your remaining few jeeps far more than I do.” I sling another large suitcase into the back of the pickup truck. “I won’t go running off to California, you know. At least not until it’s safe. I’m not stupid.”

  He laughs at me. “No, you’re definitely not stupid, Kay. I’m not sure what we would have done this past year without you here. You are one fine doctor.” He pulls me in for a hug and then he helps load the rest of their gear into the truck.

  I’m already crying. Even before the goodbyes, I’m crying. What am I going to do without my very best friend, my touchstone, my person?

  “Awww . . . come on, Kay, none of that,” Holly says. “We are both going to get exactly what we want one day, you’ll see. And as soon as cell phones get back on-line, we’ll talk every day. It’ll be like I never left.”

  We don’t have a long drawn-out goodbye. We did that last night when we spent the night together, all four of us—Holly, Pam, Amanda and me. It was a regular teenage slumber party. But with booze.

  We embrace each other in one final hug. “I love you, Kay. We are both going to be alright.”

  Jeff helps her up into the truck and I’m amused when I see a certain look pass between them.

  Yes, I think Holly Becker is going to be just fine.

  “I’ll miss you like crazy, you know,” Jeff says. “These past few days with us doing the friend thing, it’s been great. It feels so right. You’ll always be my friend, Kay, and I’ll always love you.”

  “Right backatcha,” I choke out as I look up at his gorgeous face once more through my tear-blurred eyes. “I love you too, Jeff Taylor.”

  “You’ll find him,” he says. “That’s something that didn’t change about you, Kay. You’ll always be stubborn and driven and it’s going to get you to Mitch one day.”

  I nod at him as we share one more hug.

  Amanda and I say our goodbyes then I pick up Rachel one last time and give her one of the hair bands from around my wrist for the ride.

  “Bye-bye, Kaykay,” she says, her little hands waving at me as her dad secures her in the middle of the back seat.

  All I can do is stand and watch as the truck gets further away from me, eventually turning into nothing but a cloud of dust that is taking so many important people out of my life.

  Claire comes up behind me and, just like a mom, puts a comforting arm around my shoulder and walks me back home. On the way, I take in the reality of the past few weeks when I look around our little community. When we pass by The Oasis, it is empty. Not a single soul sits at one of the numerous tables on the deck that surrounds the grey, sooty remnants of the last bonfire. I glance over at the softball field that hasn’t seen a game in over two weeks. Even the clinic is just a place to get an Aspirin and a Band-Aid now that everyone with medical issues has moved on to Jacksonville.

  Camp Brady finally resembles the ghost town from the Wild West that Mitch joked about when he first came here.

  ~ ~ ~

  Austin and I are among the few residents that remain in the apartments. He is helping Craig move me to the farm today and then he will leave for Tampa. His wife’s family used to live there before the blackout so he figures it will be his best chance to find her if she comes back.

  Craig’s truck is packed with the medical equipment that the colonel has given me. It may just be enough to start a small practice wherever I end up. Craig will store it all in his barn for now. He and Austin have gone on ahead while I say goodbye to what has been my home for the past fifteen months.

  The last thing I get before I leave is the cell phone that stayed hidden at the clinic. I turn it on and pull up the picture of Mitch that I’ve stared at so many times I’m beginning to think it will fade like an old photograph. But I’m no longer sad when I look at it. It gives me hope for the future. I know that no matter how long it takes for me to find him, he will be waiting for me. He said he’d love me forever.

  He promised.

  He never breaks his promises.

  I stow away the phone and charger in my pack and walk Sassy through the middle of the almost-abandoned camp. I can’t help but think of how being here changed my life. Yes, the blackout changed everything for everyone, but for me, it somehow made me a better person, a better doctor, a better friend. It reminded me that there is more to life than a job. I think the blackout was the best thing that ever happened to me. I laugh thinking how my mom would be so proud.

  After saying my goodbyes to Claire, the colonel and a few stragglers that are left, I make my way outside the gates for only the second time in fifteen months.

  I don’t want to tire out Sassy, so we take our time and walk the entire ten miles. Along the way, I marvel at how the dream I had as a little girl finally came true. I feel like Laura Ingalls Wilder. I pass other people riding on horses, all of whom stop to strike up a friendly conversation. Some have horse-drawn wagons taking huge piles of fruits and vegetables to a Farmer’s Market that has been set up on the other side of Ocala where people barter and trade for what they need.

  It’s almost humorous how out of place the three cars that pass me on the road look, but even those people stop to say hello. The world has transformed while we’ve been stuck in our little cocoon at Camp Brady. I’m passed twice by an old police car patrolling up and down the road, making sure everyone is safe. I’m amazed by everything I encounter along the way. It’s absolutely wonderful. I look up to the clear blue sky and tell my mom she finally got her wish.

  I arrive at Pam and Craig’s farmhouse
just in time to eat. Pam has put together a fresh salad, made with everything they’ve either grown here or traded for. Craig, Austin, Pam and I eat a delicious lunch while little Connor takes a nap.

  “So, where’s my room?” I ask. Pam and Craig share a look and I already feel guilty that I’m imposing on them. “Or, I can just sleep on the couch,” I quickly add.

  Pam says, “There’ll be time for that later. I was hoping to take you on a tour of the area so you can see what a great town this is. It’s kind of like back at camp, only way more spread out. Everyone helps each other. I’d like to introduce you around. If you’re not too tired from the trip, that is.”

  “No, I’m not tired. I’d love to take a tour,” I say.

  Pam checks on Connor and gives the men instructions on what to do when he wakes. Then we head outside and get on a pair of old bikes. We are barely a half mile from her farm when she turns us down a winding dirt road. “Town is that way.” She points in the opposite direction. “But I wanted you to see this place first.” The dirt road leads up to a small farmhouse. Smaller than Pam’s, but it still boasts a barn and stables and looks like it weathered the blackout fairly well. “I was thinking you might want to check this place out. Maybe you could live here.”

  I raise a questioning eyebrow. “Live here?” I ask. “Pam, I don’t plan on being here all that long. Plus, what would I do with a farm? I don’t know anything about raising crops. I couldn’t possibly run it myself.”

  “People around here help each other. We even pitch in to help new people start up their crops,” she says. “Listen, I know you’re not a farmer. But just give it a look. You know, for the future maybe.”

  I sigh. I get it now. I already feel like a third wheel and I’ve not even spent my first night in their house. I guess she doesn’t want me getting too comfortable over there. I shouldn’t blame her. They are newlyweds, after all. “Fine, I’ll take a look,” I say.