Refresh

by S. Moose

  “Okay, Caroline, close your eyes and go to sleep. When you wake up, Evan will be here and everything’ll be okay.”

  The next night, Evan’s back at the station and, Tonya, my very best friend, is here with me binge watching reality television.

  “What makes you think these beautiful women are desperate enough to go out with strangers and then shove their tongues down their throats? I mean come on.”

  Holding a glass of red wine I nod my head and take a drink. “Amen, sister.”

  Reality television is so staged and borderline trashy, but it’s our guilty pleasure and this dating show is something to laugh about. These women, who by the way are beautiful and successful, go out with three guys of their choice from the candidates on the show, and have to make a decision on who to continue with. It’s cute in a way, I guess.

  “Do you think we’d ever be that desperate to go on a show like that?”

  “Well,” I laugh and drink more of my wine. “We’d have to be single and I’m pretty sure our husbands will go all alpha male ape shit on those guys. It’s a lose-lose situation.”

  “You’re right,” she sighs and grabs her glass of wine from the table. “Thanks for having me over. I love girl time.”

  Tonya’s been over since noon and we have been lazy slugs all day. From giving each other manicures and pedicures we relaxed outside and tanned then made chicken salad for lunch and sat on the couch talking about everything and anything. We even tried doing Zumba in the living room after a few glasses of wine and fell on our asses after one song. We deserve a day like this especially since our husbands are out saving the world.

  “Whatcha thinking about?” Tonya asks me while refilling her glass and mine. “We need more, by the way.”

  “You know where it is, so grab another bottle,” I point to the kitchen.

  “With pleasure. So what’s going on with you? We haven’t had a lazy day in forever.”

  “I know,” I sigh. “Just wanted to not think about anything, you know?”

  “I get it, babe. Have you heard from him today?”

  I check my phone and read the last messages we sent to one another. “Not since six.”

  “Oh shit! It’s almost ten,” she groans and plops back down on the couch. “I’m crashing here tonight.”

  “You’re more than welcome to.”

  “Good. Okay, back to trashy TV.”

  We clink our glasses and go back to a world where we can be lazy and not worry about what’s going on.

  After two weeks of nonstop work and stressing out the guys can relax a little bit and breathe for once. They made some arrests and the case is progressing. There’s still a lot of loose ends, but Clarke feels confident they’ll see the end to this case soon. Mayor Warren is excited, but I have a gut feeling something is going to happen. I don’t tell anyone how I’m feeling and I hope it’s just my mind playing tricks on me.

  Walking outside I see the guys with Evan by the grill and Tonya pouring us another margarita. Taking a seat next to her I adjust my sunglasses and enjoy the delicious margarita in my hand. This is how our days should be every day-surrounded by our friends and drinking a margarita.

  “You know what?” Tonya starts to say.

  “What?”

  “Our guy friends are H.O.T! Especially Mason and Devin. Why do you think they’re single? I mean, come on, they’re hot, officers and carry handcuffs.” She winks and creepily stares at our friends.

  Nearly spitting my drink I turn and slowly lower my sunglasses to see what she’s talking about. “Well first I can’t even look at Mason like that. We’ve known each other for so long and Devin’s like a brother so I’m out with your creepy observations and lust. Honestly, my husband is the hottest.”

  “Pssh whatever. Look at Clarke and the way his shirt is screaming for him to take it off so I can admire his body. You know for a man his age he’s damn hot.”

  “You okay over there? Need a moment?”

  “Oh shut up. Yes I am horny as hell and it’s because my husband would rather spend all of his time at the station than come home and be with me. It’s so annoying.”

  “Tell me about it,” I mutter in agreement. “We haven’t had sex in forever and I’m dying. But, this is the life we agreed to.”

  Tonya sighs and excuses herself from the table. Looking over at the guys I smile and wave. Our best friend, Mason, looks up and smiles at me then looks away. There’s something going on with everyone and I want to know what’s going on. I know Evan won’t tell me. Everything is kept secret, but maybe Mason will let me in. I take out my phone and send him a text.

  Me: What’s going on?

  Mason: What do you mean?

  Me: Shut up and don’t lie to me. I mean it. What’s going on? I feel tension.

  Mason: The case as usual.

  Me: That’s all you can tell me?

  Mason: Sorry, creepy.

  Me: Oh shut up, ugly!

  Mason: Ugly?

  Me: Yep.

  Mason: Right. I know you better than that, Care. You think I’m sexy as fuck. Admit it, baby. Say it and let me hear you.

  Me: GAG.

  Tonya comes back and sits down again. “Who ya texting?” Tonya asks and I show her it’s Mason. “Ew, Mason,” she rolls her eyes. “Honestly, sometimes he thinks he’s God’s gift to the world.”

  “You think he’s sexy,” I remind her.

  Tonya sighs and nods her head. “He is. But I don’t need him knowing that I think he’s hot,” she laughs and her tone changes. “The case is fucking getting on my nerves.” I put away my phone and turn to face her so we can talk.

  “It’s frustrating, tiring and stupid,” I explain without sounding too much like a bitch. I know this is what Evan loves to do, but his cases are always a priority and I hate to wonder how long we’ll have to do this for. “This case is blowing my mind. How can one man get away with so much?”

  “Trust me. I get it.”

  Tonya Smith does get it. She’s married to Clarke Smith who is also Chief of Webster PD. They’re holding off on getting pregnant until things settle with his two-year-long case. Looking at my best friend I know she wants more than anything to be a mom and she would make a beautiful mother.

  “And to make it worse no one’s talking. They’re all afraid of this jackass. Don’t get me wrong I’m glad they’re making progress, but it’s still a hard case. There’s too many people involved and not a lot of evidence.”

  “Seriously,” I agree. “I wonder how long this case will go on for. I feel like it’s taking over our lives.”

  Tonya nods her head and we drink our drinks. Looking over I see Evan’s face and I don’t like his expression. The look he has is telling me he just heard some bad news and quickly I get up and find out what the hell is going on.

  As soon as I approach them they stop talking and I have to keep my annoyance at bay.

  “So?” I ask with my hands on my waist. “What’s going on?”

  “Nothing,” Evan tells me in his leave it alone tone. I hate that fucking tone. “Don’t worry, babe.” He manages to put a smile on his face and places his hand on my arm. “Go back with Tonya.”

  “Really?” I raise a brow and move away so he’s not touching me anymore. He thinks I’m a child and treats me as such. “So that little expression was for what? I’m not stupid, Evan. If you can treat me like your wife and not a child and be real with me then I’ll go back with Tonya. I know you and I know that whatever you’re working on is pissing you off. I am here for you.”

  “Babe, stop, okay? I have explained this over and over to you. I am not allowed to talk about the case. Yes, I have an expression on my face and that’s because a lot of shit is going on, so for fuck’s sake get it through your head that things are happening. Okay?” Evan raises his voice a little and I’m taken aback. He never raises his voice and right now I want to slap him. “If you want me to stop treating you like a child then stop acting like one.”

  With
out saying another word I go back to Tonya and finish my drink and pour another. I feel my phone buzz and ignore it until I feel it again.

  Mason: Don’t take it personally.

  Mason: He’s under a lot of stress.

  Me: Stop defending him.

  Mason: Don’t be like this, Care.

  Me: Okay. I’ll be whatever I want to be. He had no right to yell at me and use swear words.

  Mason: I know. I’ll talk to him.

  When the food is done everyone sits at the table on the deck and we talk about anything other than the case. I’m still mad at Evan and slightly embarrassed he would raise his voice to me in front of the guys, who are also our friends, so it shouldn’t matter, but it does. I know I’ve been annoying and ruthless about wanting to know more. He can’t blame me for wanting to know if he’s safe or not. It’s scary knowing there are people out there who will shoot a cop without thinking or people who will hurt others without a second thought. This world’s unpredictable and it’s hard to fathom all the dangerous possibilities. All I want to know is if he’s safe and if we should be worried or not. Looking at Evan irritates me even more. He thinks he has to be this macho jackass when really he doesn’t. There’s nothing he can say or do that’ll impress his friends. He has nothing to prove to them. I’m his wife and I should be privy to this information.

  I feel his hand on my thigh and I swat it away. His eyes are on me and I ignore him. I’m not giving into his little demands. He can sleep with blue balls tonight for all I care. We haven’t had sex in forever so what’s another night.

  “What about in a few weeks we all take a trip to NYC?” Mason suggests. “EDC is happening and I think we all need to let loose.”

  “A little too old for that, bud,” Clarke responds.

  “You’re a little too old, but we,” Mason points to the rest of us, “are still hot and young. Plus, come on, we need a weekend away from this shit.”

  “Sounds like fun,” I say and Tonya nods her head.

  “You don’t like that kind of music and I can’t imagine you at an EDC concert. You’re too fragile,” Evan laughs.

  “I do too, ass. I like Zedd, and Chainsmokers is growing on me.”

  “Mainstream,” he rolls his eyes.

  “Whatever. Ass.”

  We continue to talk about upcoming plans when Clarke’s phone goes off and I hear Tonya’s unsatisfied groan.

  “I’m sorry. Excuse me.”

  Tonya tosses her fork on the plate and grabs her drink. I do the same and watch the guys as they stare inside at Clarke. Something’s up and it’s not good.

  “What’s up, Chief?” Devin asks when Clarke returns.

  “Some new developments. We’ll need to head back to the station in a little bit.” He sighs and places his arm around Tonya’s shoulders.

  Heading inside I grab a bottle of red wine and uncork the bottle. It’s going to be a long night and I’m sure Tonya’s going to stay with me. Taking in a breath I place my hands on the counter and my head sags down. I’m fighting the tears of frustration and curse under my breath. Evan’s hand rubs my back and it calms me down. I relish his touch and yearn for more. Turning around I wrap my arms around his waist and pull him close to me. Something deep inside is fighting to get my attention and I wish I knew how to process these feelings.

  “Just tell me you’re safe.”

  “I wish I could, babe.”

  “That’s not what I need to hear from you,” I mutter and hold him closer. “You need to be safe. I need you to be safe. I need you to let me in. I need you to open up to me. I don’t need to know everything about the cases you’re working. All I want to know is if you’re safe and what you need from me.”

  “I know,” he tells me and rubs my back. “The best thing you can do for me is have faith and love me, Caroline. Love me and trust me enough to know I’m always going to come home to you.” Evan leans down and kisses my forehead. “I wish I never became a cop because I know this isn’t fair to you, Caroline. But, your strength is keeping me alive. Thank you for standing by my side and keeping me floating. I have to get going. Tonya’s staying here with you so be sure to lock the doors and set the alarm.” I nod my head. I know how this works. I hear commotion in the kitchen and know Mason and Devin are cleaning up.

  “Just come back to me.”

  “I always will.”

  Tonya and I quietly clean as well since there’s nothing else to do. We quietly work and I have to fight the tears in my eyes.

  The guys left over two hours ago and neither of us has said anything. We’re robots, just cleaning, putting things away and drinking wine. After we’re done cleaning we head upstairs and lie down on my bed. Again neither of us are saying anything and we’re both holding our cell phones close so we don’t miss anything.

  It’s almost one in the morning and still nothing. Tonya’s frantic and I know she’s hiding something from me.

  “Stop bullshitting and tell me now.”

  “I can’t,” she says and avoids looking at me. “I really can’t.”

  “Tonya . . .”

  She looks at me with sincerity in her eyes. “Evan’s been marked for a hit.”

  “What?”

  I clench my fists together and close my eyes, trying to get a hold of reality, and remember he’s been highly trained and knows what he’s doing. This is Evan; one of the strongest men I know. He’s going to be okay and it’s not like this is the first time he’s had a hit out for him.

  “Okay, okay,” I finally say. “This isn’t new to us and he’ll be okay. What else do you know?”

  “One of the guys they arrested, Rico, he’s starting to talk, and it’s going okay. But something’s going on and I’m not sure what exactly.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Rico keeps talking about a mole in the department,” Tonya explains and clenches the pillow to her chest. “It’s worrying the shit out of Clarke and he’s telling the guys tonight.”

  “There’s no mole in the department. They’ve kept this case pretty air tight. I mean, what the hell is going on?” I rub my temples to prevent the headache that’s about to hit me. I can’t keep all of this shit straight. First Evan has a hit out for him and now there might be a mole in the department.

  “Clarke just texted me.”

  “And?”

  “Rico’s dead.”

  “This is fucking bullshit,” I shout and toss the mug across the room. “Our only suspect and he’s fucking dead. What the fuck happened, Devin?”

  “He came at me with a shank. I had to do what I needed to.”

  “Coulda shot his fucking leg or something,” Mason argues. “You have no fucking idea what you’ve done. All of our investigation is worth shit and now we’re back to where we started two years ago.”

  Slumping on the bench in the locker room I hang my head in my hands and think about Caroline and what I’m putting her through. I know Tonya told her everything and I’m sure she’s freaking out about it.

  “Did he say anything else?” I whisper.

  “No,” Devin says. “Why the hell do you guys think we could have trusted him? He only was talking to get out of a life sentence without parole. Come on guys, don’t let this shit get to you. We’ll figure it out.”

  “Whatever, man.” I stand up and face him. “I get it. You needed to protect yourself, but you know what this case means to the department and what Rico knew could have saved me. That’s Javier’s brother. Whatever he knew was worth something,” I yell and slam my fist into the locker. “What the fuck!”

  “You’re going to be fine,” Mason tells me and turns his back to Devin. “We’ll figure this shit out. You need to go home and go to Care. She needs you, man.”

  “And do what? Look my wife in the eyes and tell her I’m a dead man walking?” I shake my head. “This isn’t the life I want for her. We should be planning for a family and I should be home more.” Shaking my head I lean against the lockers and think about my promise
s to her. “This isn’t the life I want for her,” I repeat. Slamming my fist into the locker I turn and head out. I can’t go home so instead I head to the closest bar and hopefully figure this shit out.

  Sitting at the bar with my empty tumbler I haven’t been able to come up with a plan. I look at my phone, looking at the picture of my beautiful wife and look away. I don’t deserve her. She doesn’t deserve to have this life and she shouldn’t have to suffer. Things are shitty and I’m making her go through this shit. When will all of this be over?

  I feel a hand on my shoulder and look up to see familiar eyes. A smile that makes me smile and soon everything I’m worrying about goes away.

  “It’ll be okay. I’m here and we’re going to get through this.”

  “How do you know?” I ask and sigh. “You shouldn’t be here. You know this. We had a deal. I can’t do this with you.” Guilt takes over, but I don’t look away. There’s only so much a man can take and feel. Right now I don’t feel like a man when it comes to my marriage and Caroline. Right now I feel like a fucking loser and I can’t even give my wife what she wants.

  “I can’t stay away from you. Come with me.”

  The plea I hear is what I need. I need to feel something, anything, and I know I will soon.

  “Usual spot,” I say and leave cash on the bar. “This is the last time though. I can’t do this anymore.”

  “I know.”

  Leaving the bar with her I look around and stop in my tracks. “Go there. I’ll meet you,” I tell her and watch her leave. Turning around I see Mason making his way to me.

  “Please fucking tell me I’m not seeing this shit, Evan.”

  “Let it go, man. I need this.”

  “You fucking need to let that shit go and go back to Caroline. Why the fuck are you doing this? Caroline’s the love of your life and you’re going back to that woman? You stood before her and everyone vowing to love her forever and forsake all others.”