Refresh

by S. Moose

  “You don’t get it,” I scream. “With Caroline I don’t feel like a man. With her I have to pretend my job isn’t fucking with my head and that I could die. But when I’m with her,” I point the opposite direction, indicating my repeated mistake, “everything feels right.”

  “You’re fucked up, man. I have no idea who the hell I’m looking at right now. You have an amazing wife, but instead you’re throwing it away for an empty booty call.”

  “I care about her, okay? And I love Caroline.”

  “Can’t have the best of both worlds, man,” Mason explains and turns away from me.

  It’s one more night to forget and to feel like a fucking man again.

  Our champagne glasses clink together and a smile appears on his face. This is the smile I love and will always love.

  It’s been a hell of a month and now we can finally relax. The case is coming to an end and soon they’re going to court. I can’t begin to explain my excitement, especially since now Evan’s going into teaching and we can practice making a baby.

  “Happy anniversary, babe,” he says, taking my hand in his. “To forever. A lifelong journey to our love. You mean everything to me, Caroline. I love you so much. Thank you for staying by my side through all of this. I know things haven’t been easy. At least now we can breathe.”

  “Forever,” I respond and feel his lips on my hand. God I love this man. Looking into his eyes I see our future. Hopefully by this time next year I’ll be holding our baby in my arms and looking into the eyes of the man I’m going to spend the rest of my life with.

  “It has been a rough two years. But I promised I’d stay by your side and I have. Every step of the way. It’s you and me until the end, Evan.”

  “Always.”

  “Evan,” I start to say, “let’s go home.”

  Without another moment he asks for the check and drinks the rest of his champagne. After paying for our bill, he grabs my hand and pulls me out of my chair as we rush out of the fancy restaurant ready to end the night with romance and hot sex.

  Giggling behind him I get in the car and realize I left my clutch inside. “Shit.”

  “What?” He groans and looks at me with his sad puppy eyes. “Did you leave something at the restaurant?”

  Slowly nodding my head I hear his groan. “I left my clutch inside.”

  “You’re impossible,” he laughs and leans over to kiss the tip of my nose. “But I love you.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t worry.” Evan kisses my lips and cups my face. “I’ll be right back.”

  “Hurry!” I anxiously tell him, wanting to go home and feel his body on mine. “I’ll start without you,” I wink.

  “Fuck, babe.”

  “Mmm hmm.” Watching him walk back inside I roll down the window and whistle to get his attention. “Hey, handsome.” Evan turns around with a shit eating grin. “Happy anniversary. Thanks for making me Mrs. Caroline Reed. I love you.”

  “Thanks for saying yes. I love you too.”

  Reaching over I grab the auxiliary cord and plug it into my iPhone. Opening my music app I look through my sexy time playlist and pick a classic. Listening to the words of the song I think about the day we shared, from breakfast in bed, making love in the shower, bed, and kitchen table and finally getting dressed to go out for the day. We took the hour drive to Buffalo and spent the day at the zoo and finished with shopping. I needed a new Michael Kors purse and he delivered. Today with Evan is something I’ll never forget. He treated me like a queen and I felt his love every moment.

  Looking out the window and then to my phone I realize he’s been gone for a few minutes. It shouldn’t take this long to grab my clutch. I’m about to open the car door when I hear screaming and gun shots. Closing the car door again I call 911 and panic when I realize Evan’s still inside.

  The calm operator answers and I scream, telling her what I’m hearing and yell for help.

  “This is Caroline Reed. Officer Reed of the WPD is inside and I have no idea what’s going on. Please,” I scream. “Please hurry!”

  “Caroline I understand you’re scared and have no idea what’s going on. Try to remain calm, help is on the way. Please stay in your car. I can stay on the phone with you.”

  Not being able to answer I hang up the phone and try to stay calm. Everything’s going to be okay. Evan’s going to be fine. Opening the car door I rush towards the restaurant. I don’t care what’s going on. I need to get to Evan and make sure he’s okay. People are rushing out of the restaurant and I run faster when someone grabs me and takes me away.

  “No!” I scream. “Let me go!”

  “Ma’am please we have to get out of here. There’s a shooter and people have been shot.”

  “Shot? What?” My stomach drops and I frantically look around. “Wait! My husband! My husband had to go back inside. Stop! I have to get him.”

  The man ignores me and continues to run from the scene. I’m thrashing in his arms and all I can think about is Evan. When he puts me down I see Mason coming out of the squad car and runs to me.

  “Mase! Evan’s inside. Please hurry!”

  “Care, stay here,” he orders me and takes out his gun to go inside. Devin follows close behind him and I pray to God my world won’t be shattered.

  Thoughts are rushing through my head. Evan has to be okay. He knows how to talk to criminals and how to properly handle hostage situations. This is what he does and this is what he excels in. He understands them and I know he’ll be able to calm the shooter down. I slowly breathe in and out. Evan’s going to be fine. He’ll walk out of the restaurant with Mason and they’ll be safe. We’ll go home and put this night behind us.

  “Please, God,” I prayer. “Please watch over Evan, Mason and Devin. Please watch over our friends. Please.”

  My eyes don’t leave the front of the restaurant. With my arms hugging my body, I stand frozen and wait for someone to bring me news. I wait to see my handsome husband walking out and taking me into his arms.

  A few more minutes pass and I see Mason walking towards me. The look in his empty eyes tells me everything I don’t want to know.

  “Stop. No,” I mutter and slowly move away from him. This isn’t happening. He’s not going to tell me what’s going on. “Don’t.” I raise my hand to him to stop him from saying anything. “Mason, please don’t,” the tone in my voice breaks and tears falls from my eyes. “Please, Mason,” I whimper.

  “Care . . .”

  “No!” Mason rushes to me and brings me into his arms. I slam my fists into his chest and scream for Evan. “Why?” I cry and cling onto Mason. “Evan.”

  Nine Months Later

  The trouble with death and life is we never think today will be the day we lose everything. We don’t think about saying our goodbyes or making each day count. The problem with death is it doesn’t give you any timelines. Death just happens and it takes away everything you love and know. Death is impossible to avoid and no matter what you do when it’s your time there’s not much you can do about it. Not only is death a bitch, but it doesn’t care who gets hurt or who has to deal with the ramifications. All of the trails of tears and broken hearts from losing someone, and death doesn’t care who gets hurt in the process. It’s a nasty thing and stubborn as shit. People who are left behind are left with unanswered questions and a grief so strong it overwhelms your entire being.

  You’re gone.

  You lied and broke your promise.

  You’re never coming home.

  Now I’m here . . .

  Alone.

  These words and sayings are the saddest. I’m never going to be whole again. How can I think about being better when the one man who I love is gone and never coming back? I have nothing left of him except memories and those memories I can’t hold in my arms and breathe in. There’s no refresh button on life. There’s no comfort in words from your loved ones and no matter what happens nothing ever makes sense.

  Life without Ev
an isn’t getting easier. Every night I dream about the night of the shooting and the week in the hospital. I remember the medics putting him on a gurney and putting him in the ambulance. I remember Mason and Devin sitting with me in the waiting room as I sobbed and prayed. Devin paced the room and Mason sat with me. We waited for hours and when the doctor came out he said Evan’s in a coma. I stood there ready to crumble and Mason had to catch me.

  The doctor led me into Evan’s room and I sat next to him, holding his hand, and asking him to fight and to come back to me. Mason called his parents and brother and I sat there lifeless. With each noise from the machines a piece of me broke. Deep down I knew my husband, the love of my life, was gone and there was nothing I could do.

  Mason drove me home the next morning so I could shower and gather myself. Mary and Rick, Evan’s parents, stayed while Christian, his brother, looked online for any answers and talked to the doctors. I couldn’t bring myself to do that. I couldn’t bring myself to talk to anyone.

  Every day I sat in that hospital room and waited. I waited for him to open his eyes and show me that smile. I waited to hear his voice and for him to tell me he loves me. I waited to hear him say forever. The machines beeped and kept him alive. I’d wash his face with a washcloth and read to him. He loved reading books by James Patterson, so every day I read and hope he heard me.

  Visitors came in and stayed with us. Officers from the police department checked on us and brought me food. They were sweet and gave me space when I needed it.

  Then there was Mason.

  He was a permanent shadow to us when he wasn’t on duty and kept me company when I needed someone by my side. Our best friend and someone we leaned on for almost everything. There was nothing he wouldn’t do for us, and I knew I should’ve reached out to him after the funeral, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t do anything.

  The three of us have been friends since high school. It was always the three of us and when Evan and I started dating, Mason was our third and then college came and Mason found out why college was great. The girls threw themselves at him and the parties were crazy good. Living out in Buffalo was fun and for four years we lived the life we were meant to live. Every memory I have involved Mason and I was thankful he was around.

  Slowly waking from a restless sleep I turn on my side and touch the space where Evan would sleep. I close my eyes and remember the day we took him off life support.

  The doctors explained that even if he survived, he wouldn’t be Evan. There was too much damage from the shooting and they did everything they could. Unless a miracle happened, Evan was gone.

  There was one night we talked about what would happen if he ever was in a coma and was diagnosed with being comatose. Evan didn’t want this and he made it clear. I thought about his quality of life and knew this wasn’t what he wanted. I knew he didn’t want to be kept alive by machines. Kissing his lips and holding his hand I whispered how much I love him and how much I’ll miss him. His family and close friends surrounded the bed. Christian held me as I sobbed and begged for a miracle. I thought for one moment Evan would come back, but I was wrong.

  Everyone said their goodbyes and it was my turn. I had to say goodbye to him and at that moment I knew I was never going to be the same. Leaning over I whispered how much I loved him and I hoped he was resting in peace. “Until we meet again,” I cried and kissed his lips. Throwing myself onto him, I screamed for answers, and screamed for someone to bring Evan back to me. Mason put his arms around me and told me I had to let go, but I couldn’t. It took him and Christian to get me off Evan. When they did I crumbled in Christian’s arms and watched as Mason turned off the machines. There was no way I could. When I heard the line go flat I fainted and everything went black.

  Taking the framed picture from the nightstand I cling it to my chest and try to smile. I try to remember my husband for the strong and selfless man he was and hold onto that thought. When I sit up on our bed I look at the picture and trace his face with my shaky fingers. I love this picture of Evan and me. It was taken on our wedding day and the smiles on our faces bring tears to my eyes.

  “I miss you, Evan,” I whisper and bring the picture to my lips. I hope he can feel my kiss in heaven. I hope he can float down and lie with me. I don’t feel him anymore and it scares the living shit out of me.

  How is this my life? Why did Evan leave me? I’m not sure how to go on. I’m not sure what to do. My life is empty. Everything is dull and the beauty of life is gone. The sun doesn’t shine like it normally does and the stars have lost their brilliance. When I feel the wind blowing I don’t feel calm or at peace. I feel as though the wind’s going to take me away from this place and I’ll never have to feel pain again. I see darkness and gloom everywhere I look. The emotions fester inside and my heart breaks all over again. Losing the love of my life eats away at my soul. I’m not whole without Evan.

  I had the perfect life. We were high school sweethearts and never broke up. He was the only man I loved and the only man I allowed inside me. He captured my heart and soul and we were building our lives together. We were supposed to go away this summer for three months and travel the world. We wanted a baby. We wanted a family.

  But now that’s not possible. I can’t see tomorrow without crying and wanting to join Evan in Heaven is always on my mind. But I stop myself. Every time I think about taking my own life I cry and feel the hurt in my chest.

  Fuck life. Fuck love. Fuck it all.

  The next morning I wake up and try to do something productive. Slowly getting out of bed I make my way to the closet and slip on one of his button down shirts. I slowly button the shirt and instantly smell him.

  Walking out of the bedroom I sit at the counter in the kitchen and stare at the dishes in the sink and look at the open cabinets. Tonya hasn’t been over in a few days and I don’t blame her. She’s giving me space after the explosion I had on her last time.

  The thing is I love my best friend and she means the world to me. The thing I don’t like is being forced to do something I’m not ready for. She wants me to go out and go shopping and be active. She doesn’t like me locked up, but what she doesn’t realize is how safe I feel when no one is around me. I don’t want any of that. Being home where I’m safe and alone is where I need to be. No one can hurt me or see my pain.

  Looking at my phone that I left on the kitchen counter I see the missed calls from my mom. I know she’s hurting and feeling lost with my depression, but if only everyone could understand I lost my best friend and husband and I need time to grieve, that would be great. For fuck’s sake I lost the one man I love and you can’t explain that type of pain. This type of pain sears through your body in a constant movement. It never goes away. I find myself looking at the door or waiting for my phone to ring and it breaks my heart over and over again because I know he’ll never walk through those doors and I’ll never hear his voice. On top of losing Evan, I’ve lost sight for the meaning of life. Everything’s changed and sometimes I don’t want to see a tomorrow. There’s no end to my grief and this journey is never ending.

  Aimlessly walking around my house I stare at the blank television and imagine Evan sitting next to me. We’re holding hands and things are good and comfortable. After sitting on the couch for a while I finally get up and go back to the kitchen. In front of me are stacks of mail and I turn away. I can’t look at anything and frankly I don’t care.

  It’s June now and I didn’t go back to school and teach. I’ve lost the desire to teach and as understanding as the school was I know they’re disappointed. I’m disappointed too. I miss my students and I miss teaching, but I just couldn’t do it. Standing in the middle of class, teaching students about the theme and symbolism of the book, or teaching seniors about college and entering the real world or helping my squad make it to states; it’s all trivial. It’s all not worth it. If I don’t have the fight and strength in me then how do I expect my students to fight for their passion of literature.

  Putting my head
down I close my eyes for a moment and pretend to be whole again. Hearing the door open and close I don’t move. I know it’s Tonya and I know she’s up to some crazy idea that I’ll want to do something. When I lift my head and open my eyes Tonya’s smiling and has a skip to her step.

  “Hey.” She smiles and walks in with a bag of food and coffee. “How are you?”

  “The same,” I respond weakly. “I’m sorry for calling you a bad friend. You aren’t. I’m just mad and I don’t know how to handle it.”

  “I know, babe. I know.” She puts down the food and coffee and starts to grab plates and silverware. “Have you had anything to eat?” I shake my head. “Okay good. I have pancakes, fruit, bacon, home fries and coffee.”

  “Thank you. I’m not that hungry.”

  “Eat what you can, okay?” I nod my head and start putting some food on my plate. I grab a pancake, a strip of bacon and some home fries. I’ll save the fruit for later. Taking the coffee I slowly take a sip and enjoy the taste of caffeine with some cream and sugar. Not too much sweetness because coffee shouldn’t taste like candy.

  “Thank you, Tonya.”

  “You’re welcome. So do you want to do anything today?”

  “We can try,” I smile and try to mean it. Tonya’s doing the best she can and if she’s not giving up on me then I shouldn’t give up on me. Maybe going out for a walk or spending time by the pool will help.

  “Do you want to walk the canal? Maybe check out some shops and stop to get a cupcake?”

  “Sure,” I tell her, “that sounds like fun.”

  We finish our breakfast and I head back upstairs to get ready. Quickly taking a shower I throw on a pair of Capri yoga pants and a light purple V-neck tee shirt. Sitting down on my bed I turn and look at the picture of Evan and me.

  “I’m going out today, Evan,” I explain with some happy emotion. “Tonya’s here and I think today will be fun.” I stop talking and take a moment to catch my breath. “Will you be near me today?”