Refresh

by S. Moose

  When we get home I feel a little better and relaxed. Tonya makes us a dinner of grilled chicken salad and we sit outside on the deck.

  “Do you want to keep talking?”

  I sigh and sip on my white wine. Tonya is the only person I’ll talk to about Evan. She knows me and understands my struggles with accepting his death. The reality of the situation is I don’t think I’ll let go especially with the guilt and pain from our marriage. “Evan and I weren’t perfect. We tried and I don’t know. When I was going through his things I felt something.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I don’t know. Something felt off or maybe it’s just me.”

  “You know he loved you from the bottom of his heart. I don’t think there should be anything you should feel weird about,” Tonya reassures me.

  I let out a laugh. “He was going to ask for a new assignment. He wanted to teach at the academy because of me and I think he resented me.”

  “That’s normal. Clarke resents me all the time when I bring up retiring and starting a family. I mean, I get it, he’s thirty-five and doesn’t see himself being a dad, but I want to be a mom. I want more.”

  “That’s how I feel too,” I explain. “But there were so many times he stormed out of the house and I have no idea where he went. I tried, Tonya. And sometimes I think this is karma biting me in the ass.”

  “No. Don’t say that.” Her reassuring tone helps, but I know the truth deep inside. Sometimes we as humans can’t see what’s in front of us because when we open our eyes the truth is staring back at us and sometimes it’s what we don’t want to know.

  “The week before he died we got into a fight because he was spending so much time at the bar. When he came home I smelled perfume on him and I screamed that I hope he dies. Then, he does. So what does that say?”

  “It says you were hurt and allowed your emotions to get in the way. It happens, babe. Don’t beat yourself up.”

  “I know and it’s not like our marriage was toxic. I just think partly we got comfortable. You know? And what if he was cheating on me?” The thought kills me. I never had to venture out or was curious about other men.

  Each night when Evan came home I swore he smelled like sex. I checked the cell phone records and everything was clean, but I knew Evan and his intelligence. One night when he came home I took his car keys and looked through his car. Nothing stood out to me. It was probably all in my head, but what married man goes to the bar every weekend without his wife?

  Tonya reaches over and takes my hand into hers. She smiles and nods and without having me explain more I know she gets it. We get each other. Both of our husbands are officers and when they’re gone there’s a piece of you that goes with them. You worry and wonder if they’re going to be okay. That void eats away at you until you hear the door open and see them walking through the door.

  And Evan didn’t make it out of the restaurant. He’s never going to come back through the doors and give me a hug. We’re never going to feel the passion or fight about something stupid. I miss him and will always miss him, but I have to find a way to move on before I become the crazy cat lady.

  “Okay, enough of this. Let’s hit up a bar and let loose a little.” We’ve been drinking wine for a few hours and I am a little tipsy. Thinking about Evan and his possible cheating ass makes me mad. Thinking about him possibly being unfaithful doesn’t sit well with me and I don’t want to think about it. I want to drink and let the alcohol do the thinking and talking.

  “No,” I instantly say. “No. Not going, Tonya. I have a lot of wine here. We can sit and drink. Going out doesn’t mean anything to me.”

  An evil smirk comes on her face and I know I’ll be going to the bar with her and most likely will regret it.

  I hate my best friend.

  We’ve been drinking shots and mixed drinks for the past hour and are having a good time. I’m laughing and smiling and not allowing my sadness to take over. It’s girl’s night and we’re making the bar our bitch.

  “Another round, sir,” Tonya slurs to the bartender and he smiles while shaking his head.

  “Another orgasm?”

  “Oh yes, please, baby.” She throws back her head and laughs. Seriously my five-foot-one, curvy as hell, blonde hair and blue-eyed best friend is too much. I shake my head and finish my drink by the time hottie bartender hands us our shots. Tonya turns to me and raises her shot glass. “To my partner in crime. Tonight’s for you, babe, so live it up and drink it down because you’re going to smile again.” This does make me smile and after we clink our shot glasses and take the delicious concoction someone puts their arm around me and I jerk away.

  “Hey,” the strange man slurs and kisses my cheek.

  “Excuse me,” I push away and look at Tonya. “No thank you. As you can see I’m here with my friend, so please leave.”

  “Is this seat empty?”

  “Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.” I smirk and see that my rejection towards his dumb pick-up line is exciting him.

  “So you know quickie has u and I together.”

  I burst out laughing, turning to Tonya and the bartender who are enjoying this little scene. “Too bad ugly starts with u,” I tell him and hopefully now he gets the hint.

  “Oh come on. I saw you checking me out.”

  “Ah no. You should probably get yourself checked because there’s no way I would have been checking you out,” I let him know. Usually guys take the hint kind of fast, but this one needs a few reminders of me not being interested. Liquid courage, thank goodness. “Leave, okay?”

  Tonya and I move to the other side of the bar and I see her taking out her phone, but don’t ask what she’s doing. Knowing her it’s going to be another selfie. The next twenty minutes pass and I desperately have to pee. Telling Tonya I’ll be back, I get up from the barstool and head to the bathroom. After doing my business I wash my hands and look in the mirror.

  “You’re having fun. This will be okay,” I close my eyes and take a few deep breaths. “You’ll be okay.” Smiling and reapplying some more gloss I head back out when I feel arms grabbing my waist and pulling me back.

  “I knew you wanted me,” I hear his sick familiar voice again.

  “Let me go, asshole,” I tell him and try to break away. Everything Evan and Mason have taught me goes blank and I freeze. I frantically look around for Tonya or someone. I try to scream for help and nothing comes out. I’m frozen.

  “I know you want me. Stop denying it. Girls always go together to the bathroom and here you are . . . alone.” I feel his hot breath against my neck and his hand slowly sliding up my dress. “Don’t fight it.”

  “Tonya!” I scream. “Tonya!” I close my eyes and keep trying to break free when all of a sudden I’m up against the wall.

  “What the fuck!” I hear him scream and open my eyes to find Mason punching the creeper.

  “Caroline!” I turn to see Tonya, and I run to her. “Oh, are you okay?” I nod and refuse to look away.

  “Get up, you filthy animal. You’re under arrest for assault.” I look up and see Mason in his uniform. He’s handcuffing the creeper and gives me a look. I nod my head and he smiles.

  “Come on, let’s go home,” Tonya says and we walk out after Mason.

  When we get home, Clarke is waiting outside and helps Tonya carry me in since I’m way too drunk to even walk. I didn’t want to go out. I didn’t look at the creeper and I didn’t do anything wrong.

  I feel dirty.

  I feel wrong.

  I feel . . .

  Leaving the asshole with Devin I hurry to Caroline’s house to check on her. Caroline’s my best friend, but lately I haven’t been a very good friend. I used to count on her for almost everything and all the times she saved me from high school to college to the academy. She’s an amazing woman and someone I truly admire.

  And now I feel like the biggest fucking douchebag in the world.

  It’s been a while since I’ve seen or
talked to her. When Evan died, I couldn’t manage to do much of anything. My best friend and brother, gone, without warning or notice. I stayed home for a while and then got back to work. My goal was to get to the bottom of the hit and why. Evan was a good cop and good man. He made some idiotic mistakes and I questioned his judgment, but never did I think he’d die and leave us.

  When I rush through the door I see her wobbling on the couch and run to her side. Pulling her into my arms, I hear Tonya giving me orders about what to do with her.

  “I got it, Tonya,” I tell her and turn my attention back to Caroline. “You’re okay. I’m here.”

  “Mason, is she okay?” Tonya screams again and tugs on my arm.

  “Clarke, get her out. Caroline needs a minute.”

  I hear Clarke getting Tonya under control and when the front door closes, I turn back to Caroline and see her pale as a ghost with eyes wild and wide. I force myself to calm down and not think about the text message from Tonya asking me to swing by with Devin. As soon I got the text message I got to the bar within minutes and seeing the filth’s arms around her, something inside me snapped and I lost my cool. When I feel her hand on my face I turn my head back to her and see her calm.

  “Are you okay?” She nods. “You sure?” She shakes her head.

  “I didn’t want to go out. I didn’t want to do anything, but I have to live my life. Things,” she pauses and pulls away from me. Cowering over in the corner of the couch she brings her legs up under her and lies down. “Everything sucks.”

  I look into her deep brown eyes and move her hair to the side. “You’re okay, Care. I promise.”

  “Don’t make promises, Mase. Just don’t.”

  “Care, listen to me,” I calmly say and instantly relax when I realize everything is fine and she’s not hurt. “Shit happens. You have to do things and get out of the house. Even if you go to the bar, it’s part of life.”

  “Getting assaulted?”

  “No. That shit was scary and, baby, I know it sucks. It just happens, though.”

  Caroline eyes me and tries to push me away. I don’t move and instead of listening to what she wants I pull her up and sit down with her on my lap. Quickly she gets off and sits on the other side of the sofa. Seeing her like this kills me. She’s a strong woman and can handle herself, but since Evan died the woman I used to know is a ghost.

  “Talk to me, Care. Don’t shut down.”

  “I’m not shutting down, Mase. Just don’t feel like doing much, so if you would leave me alone that’d be great. You’ve been gone for months and I’m dealing with this as well as I can. What do you care anyways? Don’t you have a woman to fuck?”

  “Not happening.”

  “Well you need to finish your shift, so go. I’m fine. Leave me alone and don’t come back. I’ve been fine without you. You aren’t my knight in shining whatever. You’re just a manwhore slut who forgot all about me.”

  I take the insults like a man and understand where she’s coming from. I understand I’ve been a dick and deserve her anger.

  “Stop, Care. I’m sorry and I’ll do anything to get my best friend back.”

  “If you want your best friend back then leave and don’t come back. I’ll be so perfectly fine without you.”

  “This isn’t over, Care.” I tell her and place her on the couch. “Not in a long shot.”

  “Whatever. Just go and finish whatever you need to. I’m sure some hoebag is waiting for you.”

  What the hell is her deal? My sex life shouldn’t concern her especially since I’m here to help her.

  “Care what the hell is your deal?”

  “What?”

  “Does my sex life bother you or something?” I wait for her to answer, but she doesn’t. “Just to let you know, even though it’s not important, but I haven’t had sex with anyone since Danielle.”

  “Whatever,” she mutters.

  “Come on. What’s your deal? This isn’t like you.”

  “And you know who I am and how I should be?”

  “Yeah. I’ve known you for a long time, Care. You laugh at my sex life and joke around with me. Now you’re cold and distant.”

  “Well, excuse me for not being Miss. Fucking Daisy Sunshine!”

  “I love you, Care, and I know you’re going through a really hard time, but this bitchy attitude and trying to hurt other people isn’t going to help you.”

  “Just leave, Mason,” she tiredly says and turns away from me.

  She’s right, I have a lot to do down at the station and I need to check on Devin to make sure he booked that filthy asshole. I let out a sigh and pick her up again to take her upstairs. It’s been a while since I’ve been here. Looking at the pictures on the walls a pang of guilt hits me.

  Opening the door to her bedroom, I lay Caroline down and sit on the edge of the bed. We don’t say anything and she stares at the ceiling.

  “I’m fine. You really can leave now.”

  “No you aren’t. Don’t lie, it doesn’t fit you.”

  “Well you don’t know how I’m feeling or what’s going on in my head. I can take care of myself and I let my guard down tonight. So again, if you could please just leave me alone that’d be great.”

  “This isn’t over, Care. I’ll be back.”

  “Whatever,” I hear her mutter and walk out of her bedroom. Closing the door, I listen for anything and I find silence instead.

  When I make it outside, Tonya and Clarke are sitting on the porch chairs and I let out a breath. I fill them in and see Tonya looking down. She won’t look at me while I’m talking.

  “Shouldn’t have taken her to the bar, Tonya,” I tell her. “You know she’s not one hundred percent yet. Why would you do that to her?”

  “I know,” she mutters. “But you don’t see what I see. You don’t hear what I hear. She’s a mess, Mason. There’s only so much I can do for her and don’t get me wrong I’m not complaining. I just want the old Caroline back.”

  “That’s probably not going to happen. She’s been through hell and back. I don’t think she even remembers who she used to be.”

  “I bet you can help her remember.” This gets my attention and I look at her, trying to figure out what plans she’s creating in her head.

  “How so?”

  “Move in with her, Mason. I think she needs you more than me.” I look at Clarke and register what Tonya suggests.

  “Mason?” Clarke says and I turn around muttering a few curse words under my breath. The case I’m working on is too dangerous and Caroline can never find out the details. The problem with living with her is she’ll easily have access to the case files if I bring it back to the house or she’ll go on her own investigation to find out for herself. Living with her opens too many doors that’ll expose her to things I don’t want her to know about. Caroline can never find out and when she does I have no idea what’ll happen.

  “I don’t know,” I answer them. For a while it’s only been me. I don’t have time to worry about anyone else. Being a police officer is all I know. Protecting this community, my friends and family is what I know. I’m not a babysitter. I’m a protector.

  “You know she needs you. You’re the only one who can get through to her. Whenever her and Evan fought you were there for her. Whenever he was out doing an overnight or undercover you were there. Don’t you see how important you are?”

  “You were too.”

  “Yeah, but not like you.” Tonya smiles. “You’re special to her, Mason.”

  “Special?”

  “Mmm hmm, now work your magic and bring me back my best friend.”

  Taking off to the station, I finish paperwork and by the time it’s six in the morning I head home and crash on my bed. A few hours pass before my lovely mother walks in and smiles at me.

  “Mother.”

  “My darling son. You need to eat.”

  For the past year I’ve been living with my parents in a gated community protected by twenty-four seven security. Wh
en a threat came to my family I gave up my apartment and moved in to make sure my parents were okay. When my sister, Heather, is at college or doing clinical I’ve instructed her to text me at least three times a day to make sure she’s okay. Even though her school is only twenty minutes away I still worry.

  Now that she’s home for the summer, my mind goes a little crazy when she’s out of my sight. My family’s everything to me and I’ll always protect them. Being a cop this is how my life is and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

  “Mother,” I say again, “I had a breakfast sandwich on the way home. I’m fine.”

  She rolls her eyes at me causing me to laugh. “Mason Alexander Ryan do not give me sass. I don’t care if you’re twenty-six or fifty, when I say you need to eat you get your butt out of bed and join us for breakfast.”

  Grabbing my phone, I look at the time. Eight in the morning. Fuck.

  “Okay,” I slowly get up and rub my face. “I’ll be down. Is Heather awake?”

  “Yes,” she smiles, “we’re waiting downstairs so hurry please.”

  “Will do.”

  Walking into the kitchen I join my family at the table and devour the breakfast in front of me: pancakes, sausage, eggs and fruit. God love my mother. She’s always cooking, baking, cleaning or something to keep herself busy.

  Both of my parents are retired. My mother taught high school science for thirty years and my dad retired from the force when he turned fifty-five. They’re both close to sixty and enjoying their lives.

  “Heard you went down to Murphy’s Law last night,” Heather looks at me with curiosity in her eyes. “You saved Caroline from what I understand.”

  “Caroline? How is she doing? Tell her we received her thank you card, honey. Oh that poor girl,” my mother says shaking her head and wiping a tear. “Wait, honey, you saved her?”

  “Ah yeah, some drunk asshole got too handsy. We arrested him and he was released this morning,” I laugh, remembering the threats of that scumbag, shouting that he’s suing us for police brutality. So scared.