Refresh

by S. Moose

  “Yeah,” she mutters and keeps her eyes on me.

  “We’ll be there in a few hours.”

  “Oh,” I hear the curiosity in my sister’s voice. “Mmm okay. See you soon brother.”

  “Bye.” I disconnect the phone and rub my face. Between her warm body against mine and the little space I had on the bed my body is exhausted and I need either more sleep or caffeine. “Want me to make coffee?”

  “Sure,” she answers and untangles herself from me. “Thanks for taking care of me last night.”

  “You don’t have to thank me. I want to be here for you.” I give her a smile and head out to make coffee and breakfast.

  Waiting for the coffee to get done I smell my shirt and damn it smells like her. I’m not sure exactly what the smell is but I like it. Thinking about last night, holding her in my arms, being what she needs, it puts a smile on my face and fuck if I don’t be careful that line I’m desperately trying not to cross will be crossed.

  “Good morning, hottie mchot.” I smile when I hear Tonya coming inside. “What’s that smile on your face for?”

  “What?”

  “You have a shit eating grin smile that tells me you’re happy and it’s because . . .” she pauses, “why?”

  “No reason.”

  “Don’t lie to me, Ryan.” She studies me and I focus on the coffee. “Oh did you and Caroline. .”

  “No,” I immediately tell her. “No. She was upset last night and I stayed in bed with her. Nothing to think about or analyze.”

  “Right,” she answers and comes over to grab a coffee mug. “So Caroline was feeling sad last night and then you, all hot and sexy, came to her rescue?”

  “I guess.”

  “Mmm, okay.”

  I pour coffee into her mug and she takes it upstairs to Caroline. Girl talk or whatever the hell they do. This gives me a moment to myself to go back and think about everything that’s been on my mind since I got here. I inhale and exhale, trying to make sense of all of this. I’ve never cuddled in bed or looked after someone before. With Danielle I never spent the night with her and she understood. That’s what made our relationship work. While with Caroline it’s different. I wanted to spend the night with her and be there when she woke up. I wanted my face to be the first thing she saw when she opened her beautiful brown eyes.

  When we get to my parents’ house around noon, Caroline is smothered by my mother and Heather. Dad hands me a beer and we talk sports while the women do their girl thing.

  “How she holding up?”

  I crack open my beer and play with the top before taking a drink. “Good. I think. Last night was hard and we ah,” I clear my throat, “I comforted her last night.” This gets my dad’s attention and I quickly correct myself. “Not like that, pops. Just comforted her.”

  “Mason,” he starts to say, “I’m going to tell you this once and don’t ask questions or bring this up to anyone.” I nod. “Before I met your mother, she was engaged to another man. A fellow officer. Now we weren’t good friends, he and I, but we were brothers. One night he passed away while patrolling and I got the call. I was the one to go to your mother and tell her what happened to Gary. It’s hard, losing someone you love, and especially at a young age.”

  “We never knew Mom was engaged before you.”

  “Yes and they were in love. Oh,” my dad pauses and drinks his beer, “we became good friends and after about a year we started dating. Some understood and some didn’t, but that didn’t stop me. I love your mother and I know she still grieves for Gary and that’s okay. My point is son,” he pats my back and looks at me, “be there for her. Be her friend, her rock, or whatever she needs, and if you two end up together don’t allow the guilt or what other’s think get in the way of what you and Caroline want. Now I’m not saying you two will end up together, but what I’m saying is you shouldn’t feel guilty about anything.”

  “Yeah,” I say and finish my beer. While grabbing another one I look up and see Caroline in a bikini with my sister. My eyes stay on her and fuck, she’s sexy. I’ve seen her before this. We’ve been friends since high school and for some reason, at this very moment, it’s as though I’m seeing her for the first time.

  “Don’t let guilt get in the way, son,” my dad whispers before going to my mom and giving her a kiss.

  Needing to calm my hard on I jump in the pool and make sure I’m facing away from Caroline and her tiny bikini.

  We spend a few hours with my family before heading home and relaxing for the night. Grabbing a bottle of red wine I bring over two glasses and hand her one. She freely takes the glass and doesn’t fight me. Since the kiss and holding her through the night things have been unsteady between us. She’s skittish and pulls away from me.

  “Do you plan on staying up for a while?”

  “I guess, but if you want me to leave you alone I can,” I tell her and make sure to keep my space between the cushion and her. Maybe I’m too comforting and it’s scaring her. Who the hell knows.

  “No. It’s okay. I like sitting here with you.” She lets out a sigh and my eyes go to her chest and watch as she breathes in and out. Taking a sip of my wine, I think about the taste of the crisp wine and hope the desire I have for her goes away. “How’s work going?”

  Thank God for distracting me. “The usual. Clarke wants us working on this one case. Nothing else matters. He has his mind set with capturing this one gang. It’s ugly.”

  “Sounds it. I’ve missed your parents and Heather. We caught up a lot and planned a lunch date for next week.”

  “That’s good. I’m glad you’re getting out and had a good time. My family loves you.”

  “Yeah.”

  And we’re back to the silence. Pouring us a second glass, Caroline takes a drink and turns to look at me.

  “Listen, I don’t mean to be weird, but I don’t think it’s a good idea that we do the things we’ve been doing.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “The kissing and holding me at night. It’s not right, Mase. Don’t get me wrong I appreciate what you’re doing. I just think lines are being crossed and we have to steady ourselves. We’re friends and I love having you in my life. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you and I know you’d do anything for me. I just think we need boundaries.”

  “We’ve never had any before.”

  “I think things are changing.” I hear the hesitation in her tone and nod my head without answering her. “So I’m going to bed. I’ll see you in the morning.”

  “Sure thing.” I smile and wish her good night. Watching her leave me in the living room I finish my glass and get up to grab another bottle.

  “Just friends.”

  The weeks go by and Mason is still living with me. It’s nice having him here and I’ll admit I’m not as much of a mess like before. We haven’t talked about the kiss or anything about how we’re feeling since the night after his parents’ BBQ. It feels like how it used to be: us being best friends.

  He keeps me busy and when he’s working the overnight shift I feel okay. He stops by every few hours and checks on me. I roll my eyes whenever he does and he tells me to grow up. Everything feels okay. I feel okay.

  But on this particular day, nothing is going right and I’m crumpled on the bedroom floor, clutching onto Evan’s shirt, softly crying, and wishing for him to come back.

  “Care?”

  His deep voice lifts me up and I wipe my tears. “Hey.”

  He walks closer to me and stares at me. I hate the way he looks at me. I hate the way he analyzes me and my words. I hate it all. “Are you okay?” he asks again.

  “Fine, Mason. Peachy.”

  “Don’t lie to me.”

  “Excuse me?”

  “Do not lie to me, Caroline.”

  I bolt up from the ground and get in his face. “I am not lying Mason. I am fine. You caught me in a weak moment, but I am fine.”

  “Stop saying that shit. Be real, Care. You’re not fine. You have
n’t been fine,” he sneers. “You were crying. You were on the ground holding onto his shirt. Does that seem like fine to you?”

  A mix of emotions flood over me and I’m back to where I don’t want to be. One day I just want to be the happy woman I once was before. All of this anger and sadness is weighing me down and I feel like screaming from the rooftop.

  I hate him. I hate Evan. I hate everyone. I need air and I need to be away from him. Taking a few steps towards the door, Mason stops me and grabs my arm, swinging me around causing me to fall into him.

  “Break on me, Care. I’m here.”

  “He’s gone, Mason. He’s gone and never coming back. If I didn’t leave my stupid purse in the restaurant he wouldn’t have gone back in. This isn’t the life I want. I’m a widow at twenty-five. I’m alone and I hate this.” I sob and try to catch my breath. “Why did this happen? Why did he have to die?”

  “I know. I ask these questions all the time. Sometimes we don’t know the answers and we have to accept that.”

  “It’s not fair,” I yell, gripping his tee shirt and leaning on him for strength because the strength I thought I had has up and gone.

  “I know, baby. I wish I could turn back time and keep the both of you safe. I wish I could bring him back for you,” he reassures me, rubbing my back, and leading me to my bed. He lays us both down and I cry into his chest.

  “If only I wasn’t so careless.” I hiccup, relishing in the safety of being in Mason’s arms. “Do you think one day I’ll stop hurting?”

  “Honestly no. I think one day you’re going to be okay and find the beautiful and strong woman you once were. You experienced a horrible loss and you’re grieving. It’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to break down, but you have to live and breathe again.”

  “I’m trying.”

  “I know you are.”

  I repeat the words again in my head. There are days I feel strong and days I feel great, yet the broken parts are sometimes stronger and win out. I have this wall around myself because I’m so scared. I’m so scared to lose something. I’m so scared to feel this pain forever. I have to protect myself. I have to protect my heart.

  Mason turns me over forcing me to look at him and I do. Our eyes lock and I feel calm. I’m staring at Evan’s best friend, partner in crime, and brother. He’s here for me, pushing me, holding me, comforting me, and putting a smile on my face. This man is my rock and every day he’s making it easier to breathe.

  “Do you want me to pick up dinner?”

  “Yeah,” I answer. “That’ll be nice. Thanks Mason.”

  He kisses my forehead and crawls out of bed. “You’re welcome. I’ll be back.”

  “Okay.” I watch Mason walk out of my bedroom and slowly I get up and decide to get some cleaning done. Picking up my clothes and towel from the bathroom floor I toss them in the laundry basket. Looking around my room I grab a few other shirts and pick up the basket to head downstairs.

  Putting down my basket I toss the clothes in the washer and set the timer. Turning around I look around the living area and fluff the throw pillows and organize the magazines on the coffee table.

  After about an hour of cleaning I flop on the couch and place my arm over my face. The door opens and I hear Mason coming in and walking to the kitchen.

  “You cleaned?”

  “Yep. There better be shrimp lo mein in there for me!”

  I hear Mason laugh and quickly get up and sit on the barstool while he grabs plates and two beers from the fridge.

  “You need better beer,” he tells me, looking at the bottle of Bud Light Lime. “This shit is weak.”

  “You’re more than welcome to get whatever you want. Tonya brought that over one night and it’s been chilling in the fridge.” He opens my beer and hands it to me. “Thanks.”

  “No problem.” He puts food on both our plates and I’m so hungry I could just eat out of the containers.

  He sits next to me and we eat in a comfortable silence.

  “I’m using some vacation time to get some things done and take time off. The case we’re working on isn’t going anywhere and Clarke wants us on our game. I finished what I needed to and Chief wants me to reevaluate myself and take time away. The case we’re working on is fucking messing with me.”

  “Why?”

  “Ah I can’t talk about it too much, Care. Just know it’s a fucked up case and messing with my emotions. Devin’s the lead right now and he’s keeping me updated. Once some action happens I’ll go back. Things are calm now.”

  “Evan used to say when things are calm that’s not a good sign.”

  “He’s right. I feel something wrong going on. Can’t figure it out. We have half the pieces of the puzzle, but the other half is missing. People don’t want to talk. They’re scared about retaliation and don’t trust us. No matter what we do we’re the bad guys in their eyes.”

  “You sure I can’t help you?”

  “Positive.” He smiles. “Eat. I need to catch up on Game of Thrones.”

  I groan. Evan loved that show. Personally I don’t get it. First of all, one of my favorite characters dies early on for NO reason and now I’m confused as hell. I only made it to the middle of season two because Evan was tired of explaining things to me so I started watching Grey’s Anatomy and left him alone.

  “I’ve missed a lot. No idea what’s going on. Also avoiding Facebook since people love to post spoilers. So annoying.”

  “Do you want to start over?”

  “You’ll do that?”

  “Yeah I’m cool with that.”

  “I feel bad. Honestly I’ll have to watch it from the start I think to really catch on. I never really asked Evan about the show because he got so annoyed whenever I talked during GoT.”

  Mason laughs and shakes his head. “Yeah he was pretty anal about that show. But you can ask me questions. I like the show, but not obsessed and a crazy fan.”

  “Thanks.” I smile and nudge his shoulder.

  We finish dinner and he cleans while I put away the leftovers in containers. When I close the fridge a picture of Evan and me from the policeman’s ball comes to view. I don’t cry, instead I look at the picture with a smile on my face. He has the most beautiful smile and that night they recognized him for his work with the force. Mason was also recognized for taking down a huge drug lord. Some families talked about their loved ones and we sat and listened, holding hands, and enjoying the night.

  “Hey,” Mason brings me out of my thought. “You okay?”

  “I am.” I smile, looking away from the picture and up at Mason. “This time I really am. Ready for GoT?”

  “Ready.”

  We spend the rest of the night watching Game of Thrones and Mason’s probably my favorite TV partner.

  When I wake up the next afternoon there’s a note on the counter from Mason letting me know he’s out with Devin going over some notes about the case they’re working on. I take out my phone and text Tonya to come over and hang out.

  Tonya: Be there soon!

  Me: K!

  Going back upstairs, I change into my bikini and throw on a light dress. Today’s really nice out, almost ninety degrees, with no clouds in the sky so a day to lay out in the sun and dip in the pool sounds good.

  Back downstairs I make a pitcher of lemonade and hear the door open to see Tonya walking in.

  “Hellllllo!”

  “In here!” I shout.

  When Tonya walks into the kitchen and looks at me she smiles big and gives me a wink. I’m sure she’s up to something and I’m sure I’m not going to like it.

  “What?”

  “That smile on your face. You look so good.” She hugs me again and smiles. “I’m glad you’re happy these days because, sweetie, I was so worried.”

  “Well don’t be,” I smile and hand her a glass of lemonade. We head to the deck outside and enjoy the August sun, sipping on our lemonade and enjoying the silence. I love being outside. The deck is my favorite place because I�
�m near the lake. That’s one of the things I love about Webster. I get to enjoy nature and breathe in life.

  “So how’s living with the sexy beast?”

  “Really good.”

  “I see.”

  “What?” I laugh and turn to look at her. “What?”

  “Notice how I didn’t use his name and referred to him as sexy beast?”

  “Okay? You lost me?”

  “You agree!” Tonya screeches. “You think Mason is sexy!”

  “Tonya,” I groan. “It’s no big deal. Yes Mason Ryan is sexy. I am a woman with eyes you know.”

  “Just saying.”

  “You’re so annoying!”

  “You love me.” Tonya smiles and drinks her lemonade. “I’m serious though. If you decide to move on then you can.”

  “Move on? What?”

  The thought of being with someone else hasn’t even crossed my mind. Moving on in that way seems impossible. How can I think about it? I lost Evan almost a year ago and I’m not ready to give away my heart. How can I? And to Mason? His best friend? There’s no way.

  “Babe, I’m just saying. You don’t have to be alone forever.”

  “I think I need to be alone for a while and if I do move on it’ll be with someone who is not Mason or one of Evan’s friends. That’s wrong. So wrong.”

  But is it wrong? I’m happy around Mason and can be myself. We’re able to sit in a comfortable silence and don’t need to talk to one another all the time. Around him I can breathe and feel safe. I think about the kiss in the kitchen and when I’m in his arms, I let my mind wander, but to really truly move on scares me. Especially moving on to another police officer. The danger will always be there and I’m not sure if my heart can handle pain and worry like that again.

  “Changing the subject now please.”

  “Fine. You admitted what I wanted to hear and now I’m good.”

  We spend the afternoon organizing my kitchen and moving around things in my bedroom. I like having Tonya here, helping me and keeping me busy. She’s my best friend and honestly I’d be lost without her.

  “Oh hey, I got you something.” Tonya reaches into her huge oversized purse and hands me a gift.