Refresh

by S. Moose

  “Why? You didn’t have to.”

  “I know.”

  Opening the gift I look at her with murder in my eyes. I’m so embarrassed to be looking at this contraption. I’m not experienced or sex craved like she is and I’ve only been with one man. I’ve never even watched porn! “Tonya . . .”

  She lifts her hand and stops me from talking. “No. You need this. Girl, you’re so moody and I know you aren’t getting any. Haven’t you been taking care of your lady parts?”

  “No. It’s not important to me. What am I supposed to do with this?” I ask holding the vibrator in my hand. I’m afraid to ask her about it. I don’t need her to make fun of me. She knows how inexperienced I am so for her to get this for me is unthinkable. “This is stupid, Tonya. I don’t want it.”

  “Bullshit! Sex is so important. Go upstairs and take care of yourself. Seriously, Caroline. It’s been way too long and you need some pleasure. So go. And thank me later.” She blows me a kiss and winks at me. “Ta ta.”

  “Wait! Stop!” But she’s gone and I’m standing in the middle of my living room holding a vibrator. Looking at it and then turning away, but looking at it again I groan and go upstairs. She’s right. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt any pleasure and I mean, it’ll be okay to please myself. It’s normal and I’m a lonely woman.

  Sliding into bed and under my covers, I Google porn sites and randomly pick one. Seriously this is stupid. I have no idea what I’m doing and I’m in bed using a search engine to indulge in my sick fantasy thanks to my best friend. The porn site on my phone is open and I slowly scroll through the videos. Some of it is really weird and some is downright disgusting.

  Incredibly Passionate Lesbian Hookup.

  Hot Wife Deep Throat.

  Taking a Ride on Two Dicks.

  “Oh my God. What the fuck is this shit?” I close my eyes and randomly click on a video. There’s no way I’m ever paying for porn and hey since it’s free there’s no harm.

  A few minutes into the video it looks pretty good and nothing out of the norm. The title says Her Fantasy and it looks like a movie. The woman in the video’s getting ready for a night with whomever, showing her long legs and she’s touching herself. When the man walks in, he kisses her and they slowly get to work. Things start escalating when he takes control and lifts her in the air to eat her pussy.

  “Holy shit, how’s that possible?”

  When he puts her down, she gets on her knees and sucks him. The camera shows her eyes looking up at him and she’s sucking away like a pro.

  “Wow, she’s pretty good.”

  The video goes on and soon the man takes control with his cock and rams into her. The fake porn star moans hit me and surprisingly it’s actually a turn on. My fingers slide down my body and into my shorts. Instantly I feel my wetness and circle my clit with my index finger.

  “Ah,” I sigh and go a little faster. Grabbing the vibrator I silently thank Tonya for putting in batteries and having it ready to use. Placing the toy on my clit I press the third level and nearly shoot up from the pleasure it’s giving me. “Holy shit,” I moan and slam my head back down. I loudly moan and arch my back. Fuck this feels so good.

  Feeling my orgasm about to hit I close my eyes and use my free hand to plunge two fingers into my pussy and pump hard. “Yes,” I sigh and feel my release. “Wow.”

  “Damn, girl.” I quickly look up and see Mason at the door with a bowl of popcorn. He bursts out laughing and I’m ready to die. Please kill me.

  “Mason! What the fuck!” I scream and hurry to hide myself under the covers. This isn’t happening. Mason Ryan did not just catch me pleasuring myself. Please let this be an awful dream. Please!

  “Hey, I came home, made popcorn and came to find you. Wanted to know if you felt like watching a show. No idea I would walk into one.” He snickers and shakes his head.

  “Get out!”

  I hear him laughing as he walks downstairs and I want to crawl into a hole. This is why I don’t do these kinds of things.

  How long was he standing there for?

  Rushing to put myself back together I run downstairs to find Mason on the couch, watching TV with his stupid popcorn. I throw a pillow at his head, but he ducks and it misses him.

  “What the hell, Mason! Do you understand privacy?”

  “What?”

  “How long were you standing there for?”

  “Not long.”

  “Bullshit. What were you doing?”

  He turns to face me and I swear my pulse is racing and I’m breathing heavily. As pissed as I am about this, I’m kind of turned on knowing he watched me pleasure myself and heard me moaning. Fuck. This isn’t good.

  “Like I said, wanted to know if you were up to watch a movie.” He nonchalantly shrugs. “Not a big deal, Care. So you were playing with yourself. I do too. It’s normal, dirty girl.”

  “It is a big deal! That wasn’t a public show. And you cannot call me that nickname! It was one time.”

  He laughs and gets up from the couch. Staring at me with each step, then he turns into the kitchen and grabs a beer. “No big deal. I promise.” He sits back down on the couch and looks at me. “So how many fingers do you use?”

  “I am not answering that question.” I sit down on another couch, avoiding eye contact because I know my face is bright red.

  “Hmm, I’m guessing two,” he says. “And you like to do this often?”

  “No. Tonya bought me a vibrator . . .”

  “Toys? You naughty, dirty girl you,” he teases.

  “Ugh. I hate you.”

  “You love me, Care.” He smirks and takes a drink of his beer. “So dirty. Those naughty little moans. Damn, I’m going to have some good dreams tonight.”

  “Can we not talk about this please?”

  “And why not?”

  “Seriously,” I pause, “were you standing there long?”

  “No.”

  “Okay, good.”

  After watching a few episodes of Law and Order SVU, Mason excuses himself and heads out to the garage doing who knows what and the craving for chocolate chip cookies hits me out of the blue. Getting up from the couch I take my glass of wine and head to the kitchen. Looking through what I have I grab a mixing bowl and start my batch.

  Preheating the oven and making sure everything is all set I grab the tray and start spooning the batter onto the sheet in rows. Homemade cookies are the way to go and I’m pretty happy with how good I am at baking.

  When the tray is in the oven and the timer is set, I grab another bottle of wine, sit at the counter for a moment holding my glass, and stare at the oven. All I can think about is Mason catching me in my room touching myself and he thinks everything’s fine. How can that be? This is so beyond embarrassing, but I’m not as mad or upset as I thought. It’s not like we’re teenagers and this is something to be mad about. Actually, in some weird way, it’s kind of hot.

  “Cookies?” Mason’s voice pulls me out of my thoughts and I simply nod while watching him walk towards me. “I haven’t had your cookies in forever.” He smiles.

  “Well just ten more minutes and then they’ll be done.”

  “What made you want to bake?”

  “Not sure. This craving hit me and I had to make some.”

  “Must have been from that little workout you had in your room.”

  I don’t respond. This is what Mason wants. He wants me to get riled up and angry so we can argue. Well that’s not happening.

  Mason eyes the little bit of batter left in the bowl and I know what he’s going to do. Running to the living room I stand my ground as he holds the bowl and licks the batter.

  “That’s so gross!”

  “Why don’t you come try my batter?” He winks. “I’ve heard it’s extra sweet and addicting. Just stick your fingers into the bowl and put your fingers in your mouth. Swirl your tongue around the moist batter. Trust me you’ll get addicted.”

  “Oh God, why do you have t
o make everything dirty?”

  “Wasn’t trying, baby. Obviously we know where your head’s at since you assume I meant being sexual. Such a naughty girl. Do you need more play time?”

  “Oh shut up.”

  “It’s okay if you do,” he says while walking towards me. For some reason I can’t move because if I do I might explode from his sexual innuendos and the way he’s looking at me. Backing me up against the wall, we’re face to face and his smell is intoxicating. It’s all Mason: sexy and desirable.

  Neither one of us is saying anything. I’m not sure what he wants from me, but when I look into his eyes I see it all. Mason wants me and part of me wants him.

  Or all of me.

  “What are you doing?” I whisper and my eyes fall to his lips.

  “I don’t know.”

  Needing to not be so close to him, I laugh and push him away. “Your breath smells like ass and my cookies are done.” I rush to the kitchen and put my mind back to where it should be: away from Mason.

  I’m going to fucking hell. There’s a special place there for me with my name on it, ready for me to burn in the fiery depths. I’m a fucking bastard and shouldn’t be allowed near her. She’s messing with my head, and now that I know how she sounds when she touches herself it’s messing with me. Standing there, watching her pleasure herself, feeling myself getting hard, and there was nothing I could do. Fucking creepy just staring at her. I couldn’t pull away and I didn’t want to.

  Being here with her is breaking every rule I have. This is just supposed to be to make sure she’s okay. I can’t think of her sexually or fantasize about her pussy. For one Evan will come and haunt my ass and that’s not something I’m looking forward to. Right now she needs a friend and that’s what I am to her. We’re best friends, both healing from the loss of someone we love, and I shouldn’t cross any more lines. This isn’t something she wants and I know this. For months she’s cried and distanced herself from the world. She’s not teaching and doesn’t do much of anything. If anything I’d be her rebound or whatever, and that’s not a role I want.

  Needing a little space I tell Caroline I’ll be back later and go for a long ass run. My head hears her moaning. I’m watching her in my head as she arches her sexy back and closes her eyes. Fuck. She’s so damn sexy.

  I pick up the pace and push myself. Getting away from her is what I need. I’m here to help her and protect her. She’s my best friend’s fucking wife. His damn wife. Even if he’s dead it still doesn’t matter. Bro code: the rules we live by.

  But when I’m with her I forget who I am. I forget who she is and my need for her is intense. She’s the drug I need to survive. The way she makes me feel or the smile she gives me when I walk into the room. It’s hypnotizing.

  Even though she makes my body come alive I can’t do anything. I refuse to be that guy to fuck with a grieving widow. I’m not that much of an asshole. I’m her friend, her rock, and someone who cares about her. That’s all. We’ll never be anything more and because of that I have to stay away.

  Slowing down I feel my phone vibrate and look to see it’s Devin calling.

  “What’s up?”

  “Hey. You down for a guy’s night?”

  “Fuck yes,” I tell him. “I need something to do.”

  “You okay?”

  “Yeah. Just went for a run.”

  “You sure you’re good? You seemed weird today. Is Caroline okay?”

  “She’s good, Devin. I’m keeping her busy.”

  “Good to hear. I should stop by and see her. I’ve been an asshole and I feel bad. It’s hard though. I don’t do tears and I don’t know what I’d say to her.”

  “I get it, man,” I tell him. Since Evan died Devin hasn’t been the same. He’s closed off and guarded. Evan’s death took a toll on all of us, especially Devin. He heard about the plan from his informant, and by the time he told the squad it was too late.

  “Does she blame me?”

  “No. It wasn’t your fault. You should come by. She’d love to see you.”

  I hear him sigh and move around. “Yeah. I will. Okay, man, I’ll see you tonight. Usual spot?”

  “Yeah. Sounds good.”

  Heading back to Caroline’s I push down any feelings I have for her. I know it’s nothing but trouble and neither of us needs drama so I need to stay away from her and only look at her as my best friend. Good thing for a guy’s night out. I’ll find a distraction and fuck Caroline out of my system. Yeah, that’s what I need. I need a hot blonde to distract me from this shit and then I’ll feel normal again.

  When I get back Tonya’s over and I hear them laughing outside, so I rush upstairs to shower and get ready. Going back downstairs I peek outside and let her know I might not be back tonight.

  “Okay, have fun,” she tells me.

  “Where you headed?” Tonya asks.

  “Dragonfly. Guy’s night.”

  “Ah.” Tonya looks at me then at Caroline. “Guy’s night huh?”

  “Yes,” I tell her.

  “Wanna join them?” Tonya asks Caroline.

  “Ah no,” she responds. “Not in a going out mood. Plus, I’m tired.” This makes me laugh causing Caroline to shoot a death glare my way.

  “Maybe another night,” I tell them.

  “Seriously. Get dressed and let’s go. No staying in on Saturday nights. Come on!”

  I let out a groan and my plan to get pussy tonight goes out the window. The thought of talking to another chick when my mind’s on Caroline doesn’t sit well with me.

  Heading back to the living room I text Devin and let him know what’s going on.

  Devin: Does she know I’m gonna be there?’

  Me: She’ll be fine with it. Don’t worry.

  Devin: Man, I don’t want her to be pissed.

  Me: She won’t. Just relax.

  Devin: I’ll see you guys soon then.

  “Care,” I shout out.

  “Yeah?”

  “Devin’s gonna be out tonight with us. That cool?”

  “Sure, I don’t care. It’ll be good to see him again.”

  Me: She’s excited to see you.

  Devin: Oh. Okay. That’s good.

  When Caroline walks down in tight jeans and a tight black shirt I have to adjust myself and look away. Fuck she looks hot. Her hair is wavy and she has on light makeup. The outfit is simple, but I notice those red heels she has on and all I can think about is getting her alone and having my way with her.

  “Ready, ladies?”

  “Let’s go,” Tonya whoops and Caroline follows.

  We get to Dragonfly and Tonya drags Caroline to the bar. I see Devin and our other friend, Scott, hanging out by the pool table.

  “And he’s here,” Scott shouts, slapping my back as I shake Devin’s hand. “Is that Caroline?”

  “Yep. Tonya dragged her out and thought it would be a good idea since she’s been home for a while.”

  “Damn.”

  “What?” I sneer at Scott.

  “Nothing, man. She’s really hot tonight.”

  “Don’t get any ideas.”

  “I’m not. Just saying. You might want to tell those guys staring at her ass though,” Scott laughs. “Plus I really don’t need Evan haunting me.”

  I look over at Devin and he’s looking at Caroline too. “Go talk to her,” I tell him.

  “Yeah. I will.” He finishes his beer and makes his way over to Tonya and Caroline.

  “So Devin told me what you’re doing.”

  “And?”

  “Just a thought,” Scott starts to say. “Even if anything happens, you know that’s what Evan would want.”

  “Not even on my mind, man.”

  “Don’t lie to me. I see the way you’re looking at her and it’s been ten minutes. It’s okay to like her.”

  I rub my face and grab a beer from the ice bucket on the table. “It’s nothing. I want to make sure she’s okay and with my time off from the case and everything being quiet r
ight now it feels right to be there.”

  “Do you think you’ll tell her?”

  “Fuck,” I mutter. That’s another reason why I can’t get involved with Caroline. There’s too much pain that goes along with being with me. I know too much and the secrets I’m keeping will fuck with her head and hurt her more. I need to stay focused and keep her safety in mind. I won’t let anything happen to her.

  After talking to Devin and explaining that I don’t blame him at all and reassuring him I’m okay, he leaves to go back to the guys with a smile on his face. Tonya and I sit at the lounge watching the guys play pool and drinking our martinis.

  “It’s a good idea that I came out tonight. Thanks, bestie. Just no creepers please.”

  “Yeah, no thank you. If they know what’s best they’ll stay away tonight.” We clink glasses to that statement and Tonya continues. “Duh. I know what’s best for you. Keep drinking. You’ve only had three.”

  “I’m good.” I laugh. “Feeling kinda tipsy right now.”

  “I think someone’s coming for you.”

  Before I can say anything two guys come over to us. One stands above Tonya and I see her rolling her eyes while the other guy sits next to me. These boys, and yes boys because they look like they’re only eighteen, are already getting on my nerves.

  “Hey. I’m Bentley.”

  “Hello, Bentley. I’m Caroline.”

  “I saw you and knew I had to come over and talk to you.”

  Kill me please.

  “That’s so sweet of you.”

  “Hey, baby,” I hear Mason’s voice and feel his lips on my cheek. “What’s going on?”

  Before I can answer, Bentley gets up and quickly apologizes for bothering his girlfriend. I don’t say anything and lean into Mason’s touch. He grabs his friend and they head back to the bar. Poor guys. Probably wet themselves when they saw Mason.

  “Really?” I laugh, pushing him away.

  “Admit it. You like when I call you baby.”

  “No.” I pretend to gag. “It actually makes me sick, so go along now. You proved your point and saved the day.” I smile and sip on my martini.