Notes On Love

by K. L. Shandwick

  Gray: Sorry, Pheebs. I didn’t want you to find out like that. I was going to tell you tomorrow.

  Who the fuck does he think he is? I walked into my bedroom shaking my head in disbelief. To think the man I loved was plotting to toss me aside like some chocolate wrapper made me feel sick to my stomach. Well I’m not even letting him try to explain, that wouldn’t be for my benefit. It would just let him think he’d cleared his conscience. In a few days he’d be back overseas sticking his dick wherever he wanted.

  My cell buzzed an alert for another message and I thought about switching it off. “Fuck you, Gray Dennison,” I huffed to myself, still sniffling as I awkwardly stripped the expensive designer dress over my head. I’d bought it especially to look good for him. Losing my balance, I fell onto the chair. “Fuck,” I cussed, feeling so desolate in my disappointment. Every cell in my body willed me to go back to that dinner party and wipe the floor with him in front of his friends.

  When my cell vibrated for the third time in my hand I was so annoyed I switched it off. If Gray thought he could keep me in the dark, he was about to find out what the dark felt like from the other side. As much as I loved him, I was done.

  Chapter 22

  Commitment 1 ~ Gray

  When Dana walked back into the living room I knew Phoebe had gone before Dana even spoke a word. Quickly I sprang off the sofa and headed straight for the downstairs door, but I was too late; she was already about to get into the cab. I was way too drunk to negotiate the pathway in time to catch up with her. Helpless, I watched with sadness as she left. Digging into my pocket, I pulled out my cell to try to explain. What am I explaining?

  My stomach knotted and I cringed when Brody had mentioned the time change. I hadn’t discussed it with her and I knew as I watched her leave it was probably too late to explain my thoughts. We’d been having fun, lots of fun, but I had to go back to work—work in the US. I felt like shit she’d found out like that. I was planning to tell her, I just didn’t want a weird atmosphere at Dana and Brody’s place.

  In my defense it had only been confirmed with our manager around 5:00 pm that day, and I had debated coming clean with Phoebe, but knew the news would shatter her. She’d been so excited to see Brody and Dana’s new place and I knew I’d have ruined everyone’s plans for dinner if I’d discussed not taking her with me beforehand. In hindsight, the way she found out was probably worse than if I’d told her myself in the first place.

  After several attempts to reach her, I realized all my calls were diverted to voicemail and sighed deeply. I made my way back to Brody’s apartment. With my head hung low I went back into the living room feeling dreadful about what had just happened, and I knew Brody would have something to say on the matter.

  “Fuck, man. I had no idea you never told her. What does it mean? Aren’t you taking her with you?” Brody’s face looked like thunder. His stormy mood cutting into the atmosphere between us. I shrugged helplessly because I knew he wouldn’t understand how I felt.

  “Hadn’t planned on it.”

  “What the actual fuck, Gray? You’ve led that poor girl on again, and now—”

  “Never led her on. I told her she means something, but I’m not sure what. I’m not dragging her over to the other side of the world without knowing where I’m going with this,” I answered. It sounded reasonable enough to me. Brody shook his head, too angry to respond.

  “I’m not giving her false hope or upending her life by taking her to the US when I’m not sure. I know how she feels, but I’m just not in the same place as she is. God, I knew it was gonna hurt her, and I really do like her, I just don’t know if really liking her is enough. I know the connection is emotional for her, and although I care a lot about her, for me it’s still more of a physical connection.”

  When I heard my explanation out loud I knew how selfish and shallow my words were. Like everything was about me and Phoebe’s feelings didn’t count. Of course they did, and I felt like a dick because I couldn’t love her like she wanted. She was a stunningly beautiful girl, smart, laid back, and effortless to be around, but sometimes she was too effortless.

  “You make me sick, Gray. False hope? That’s exactly what you did. Phoebe’s my friend and I hate that you’ve used her while you’ve been here. She was a mess for months after she left Miami.” I already felt like shit, but she made me feel worse. I had almost forgotten Dana and Phoebe were friends when Brody met Dana.

  “Fuck. You think I don’t know that? You think I want to feel like this? Not to be able to give her what she wants from me? You’re both lucky, maybe you’ve never walked around feeling like something is constantly missing from life. Perhaps I’m just destined not to be with one girl.”

  Brody turned, throwing his hand up in the air. “I’ll tell you what I think. I think you’re scared of commitment, Gray. All that shit with your dad and how he behaves about women. Your mom left. I get that he’s bitter about that, but the way he talks has fucked with your ability to get close to women. If you don’t change that mindset you’ll be a lonely old man, just like him.”

  “Whoa. Don’t start telling me what I think and what I know, and fucking analyzing me. What the fuck are you, my shrink?”

  “No, Gray, I’m your bloody friend. Nearest thing you’ve got to a brother. That at least gives me some right to tell you how fucked up your thinking is. Phoebe’s a fantastic girl, but maybe you’re right, she deserves someone that’ll treat her like a princess…like I treat Dana. Women like them don’t come around every day. Think about it, they put up with our shit when we’re tired, we drag them wherever we go, whenever that is, and sometimes without notice. They put us first. All that takes a special kind of woman.”

  Brody ran his hands through his hair. His jaw ticked with frustration as he glanced at my face and let out an exasperated sigh. “Their lives become ours for the most part, Gray. Dana and all the other wives and girlfriends of rock stars are strong to tolerate it. How much shit do they deal with every day just by being with us? What about the fucked up stuff the fans do? Flashing their tits, slipping us blow job invitations, and grabbing our nuts when we walk through a crowd unguarded.”

  Watching Brody vent his angry frustration on me didn’t help how I felt, and his words made no difference. Exhaling a large sharp breath, he dropped his ass onto his chair and stroked his hands back and forth on his thighs as if he were trying to contain himself. “Don’t go near her again. No contact, no mind-fucking. You cut the cord and leave well alone.”

  Brody’s reaction was worse than I had expected, normally we never argued. We were both pretty smooth-running alpha men who coexisted. Each of us had our moments and never crossed the other, so his outbursts about Phoebe said a lot about how he felt about his wife’s friend. If Phoebe was important to Dana, she was important to him.

  Standing up from the chair, I swayed, light-headed from the alcohol, and I steadied myself on the table next to me. I gave them both a deep sigh. “Gonna go to bed,” I stated flatly, wandering toward their living room door. I was almost out of earshot when I heard him say to Dana, “I’d give my life for that guy, it hurts me that he can’t feel the way the rest of us do.”

  His words hit me in the chest. I had no idea what he meant by that and I hated he’d say such a thing to anyone about me. Inhaling deeply until my chest expanded to its capacity, I exhaled slowly. Its deflation matched the sinking feeling I felt inside for being honest. I fumbled for the light switch in the unfamiliar room and winced when the harsh, bright light suddenly dazzled me, jolting me to focus. I glanced in the direction of the bed, tried to memorize where everything was, and flicked the light off leaving me in the dark again.

  Walking blindly, I crouched with my hands outstretched, swinging them front of me. I felt for the bed, patted it. When I sat on the edge of it I pulled my shoes off. My thoughts turned to Phoebe as I crawled up onto the mattress and dropped my head onto the soft pillow. My heart squeezed in pain, it ached because
I knew I’d hurt her. I should never have gone backward. If I could make myself love someone, I’d love Phoebe, she’s an amazing girl. I didn’t understand how Brody loved Dana, and as far as I was concerned I’d made the right decision. I just hated the fact I never got to talk to Phoebe about it.

  Reaching into my pocket I took out my cell and even before I called I knew I’d be talking to voicemail.

  “Pheebs, sweetheart, I’m so sorry you found out I was leaving the way you did. I know how much that must have hurt you. I had intended for us to talk about it tomorrow, to explain why.” I took a deep breath then continued, “We have fun together, but it’s not what you want. I told you I felt something for you, and I do. It’s partly the reason I made this decision to go alone. If I hadn’t made that hard choice, you’d probably be coming along for the ride again, and I can’t do that to you. Not now, not again.”

  I scrubbed my hair thinking of what else to say and the message cut out. “Fuck,” I muttered into the darkness. For a second I thought about leaving it, but she deserved more than that, more than me, so I called her number back, knowing that she’d probably switched her phone off. It went straight to voicemail like before.

  “It’s me again. Listen, I don’t want to do this over the phone, but you left and I need to explain. I should have been a stronger man when you were leaving that day after the festival, but you touched me, something touched me, moved me, and selfishly I couldn’t let you leave. Have you ever been torn about doing the right thing and doing what you want? In that moment, I wanted you enough not to let you walk out of my life. I really like you, Phoebe. Really like you, but that’s not enough. If you’re not strong enough to admit that then I need to be the one to set you free. I’m a coldhearted bastard, sweetheart. I don’t think I understand what love is.”

  The voicemail message timed out yet again and I dropped my hand holding my cell onto the bed. “What a fucking mess. Elizabeth Grayson Dennison, you have a lot to answer for. If I was ever to meet you on the street I’d drag you home by the hair to face my father and apologize for how you ruined his life and mine. I always feel there’s something amiss when I get close to someone.”

  A soft knock on the door drew my head in the direction of it. Brody’s silhouette stood in the doorway. “All right to come in?”

  “If it’s to give me another verbal kick in the balls, they’re bruised enough already,” I replied monotone.

  “Nah, I heard you talking to yourself, you’re a loud drunk,” he countered with a snicker in his voice.

  “Wasn’t talking to myself by the way, I was leaving Phoebe messages.”

  “You’re a dick for not talking to her. I’m sorry I dropped you in the shit at dinner.”

  “You’re right, what the fuck was I thinking? I brought her here and I’d probably have fucked her tonight then delivered the bad news tomorrow.” I was ashamed to admit that could have happened.

  “Well at least I prevented that part, it shows me you weren’t thinking,” he answered with a groan. “I get you, Gray. It’s never been easy for you with girls. Even in school they all fawned over you like you were a fucking newborn puppy, yet you never stuck to one girl. No relationships that I can remember. It never occurred to me until this shit with Phoebe after Miami.”

  “You really think I’m damaged?”

  “Well, I’m no shrink, Gray, just viewing things from a close distance.”

  I lay there considering his take on how he saw me. When I tried wracking my brain I couldn’t think of anyone I’d been closer to other than Phoebe; excluding him of course.

  “Thanks, man. That makes me feel better. I know I’m doing the right thing by Phoebe.”

  “It’s your call, Gray, but maybe you should go back to that shrink again and talk about the baggage your parents have left you with.”

  “You think? Maybe I just haven’t met the right girl.”

  “Maybe you have and you’re too closed off to accept that…to let her in. If you feel numb when you’re with a girl like Phoebe, it may pay to talk to someone who knows more about this shit than I do. Tell you what, we’ll do this when we’re sober, it’s late and I’m tired. Get some sleep and we’ll figure it out, but don’t call Phoebe again, you’ll only make things worse.”

  Closing the door, he headed to his room and I tried to focus in the darkness. My brain swam from all the alcohol, my guts were heavy, and my heart still ached because I’d hurt a sweet, kind girl who had been there for me once when I needed someone.

  ****

  Waking to the noise of whimpering, I turned in my sleepy state and my eyes sprang open. Confused by the unfamiliar furniture in the low light it took me a few seconds to remember where I was. The noise I’d heard was growing louder, and I realized that Dana and Brody were getting it on in the next room.

  My morning wood twitched in protest, still tucked tightly into my jeans as Dana’s erotic moans grew louder, matching Brody’s gasps and growls. “Fuck, baby, take me into your throat…yeah, damn. So fucking good,” he said in an exaggerated monologue to accompany his pleasure.

  Reaching down, I undid my zipper to cut my dick some slack. I then made myself more comfortable by pulling both sides of the pillow around my ears. It sounded like they were making a porno in there, maybe they were. I felt a growl of frustration grow in my chest at their interruption of my sleep. Or maybe I was annoyed because my dick couldn’t discern that the erotic noises weren’t for me.

  Try as I may I couldn’t ignore them as their fuck fest grew in volume. After ten minutes of hearing Brody smack her ass, moan, and let out guttural growls as I heard the earth-shattering screams of Dana’s multiple orgasms, I’d had all I could take. Shoving the covers to the floor, I got out of bed and made my way to the bathroom.

  Feeling hungover, I took a leak, cupped my hands under the freezing cold running water and splashed my face. After running my wet hands through my hair, I searched the cupboards for a spare toothbrush. I didn’t find one so I squeezed some paste on my index finger, brushed my teeth as best as I could then found some mouthwash. Once I looked nearly human I called a car service we used and headed for home.

  My mood was a mixture of feelings: regret, remorse, and sadness. All those feelings were for Phoebe. Mine were mainly relief that the ‘big news’ I had to tell was out there. I knew picking up women had always been easy for me; too easy sometimes. All the guys in the band joked about how women fell at my feet, and I suppose they did, but I’d never really felt like I’d be willing to do anything to keep one, like I know Brody would for Dana.

  Turning on the shower, I shucked out of my clothes and stood in the glass cubicle. Placing my palm flat against the cold tile, I bent my head under the spray wondering if I’d ever feel any different. I’d been unfair to go back to Phoebe. She was a lovely girl and that’s why it would have been unfair to go through the motions of pretending to feel more than I did for her.

  Chapter 23

  Glitzy Limo ~ Gray

  Alcohol and break-ups are never a great idea, and for once Caleb was just what I needed when he called to invite me out and told me he’d heard my news about Phoebe from Brody. It pissed me off that Brody had been talking about me, but at least I didn’t have to explain myself to Caleb. I just hoped Brody had warned him not to go after Phoebe again.

  I wasn’t particularly interested in clubbing with Caleb, but I wanted to get drunk again to forget how much I’d fucked things up with Pheebs. Therefore, three hours after he’d called me I was ready to roll. My guts growled in protest because I’d had nothing to eat all day, but my stomach was glad for the rest after all the pickling effect the alcohol had on it.

  Unfortunately for me, Caleb never did anything quietly; the guy was incapable of quiet. So when he rocked up in a stretched, white glitzy limo with three bikini-clad women inside, I took it in my stride. One glance at his smug looking face told me he’d at the very least had a hand job; the lack of tissues, and the smell of sp
unk suggested a blow job. Sliding into the seat beside him, he smirked wickedly, winked at a skinny blonde and beckoned her over to pay attention to me.

  My face must have registered my horror as I put both hands out to stop her advancing any further.

  “Whoa, sweetheart, I’m a first dibs man, not a seconds kinda guy. The acrid smell of dick in here suggests you’ve already been up close and personal with Caleb’s nuts, so I’ll pass.”

  Caleb chuckled heartily, “Jeez, I’ve never met a rock star like you. You don’t have to kiss her for fuck’s sake. She can suck your dick before we get to the club. You need to chill out man.”

  Staring incredulously at Caleb’s completely disbelieving face, I almost started laughing. How the hell anyone thought the fucked-up scenario I was faced with was acceptable, was beyond me. The only acceptable thing was that the limo had leather seats. I just prayed they were wiped down regularly.

  Pulling up at the curb, Caleb started throwing around his money, tipping each of the girls a couple of hundred pounds while I kept my hands firmly stuffed into the pockets of my leather jacket for fear I’d touch any of the surfaces in there. When he made his way out of the car, one of the girls stroked Caleb’s chin and said, “I’ll never forget you, this has made my year.”

  I glanced at Caleb who puffed out his chest and winked. “Pleasure was all mine.” Instinctively, I knew he was referring to being the only one who came in the limo, and I smirked knowingly.

  “You’re a dick, you know that?” I said with a deep chuckle.