Notes On Love

by K. L. Shandwick

“Yeah, and you still need to get yours sucked, I hope you’re not gonna be in this pissy mood all night, I want to burn off some energy. I figured you’d need to let loose for a bit after playing with one pussy for weeks on end. What’s that like, anyway? I imagine it would feel like having a family pet, having to feed it and shit.”

  I burst out laughing. “Yeah? Like your balls didn’t ache for Phoebe? She’s a great girl. Just wish I could feel like there’s not something missing between us.”

  “Well, if you couldn’t put your finger on it after you’d put your finger in her then it wasn’t meant to be.”

  Frowning, because I felt bad for her again and hated the way he was talking, I scowled. “I can’t believe you just said that. You’re a real dick.”

  “As opposed to a fake one? I’ll take it,” Caleb said, poking my last nerve. “Come on, there’s a candy store full of pussy flavored delights in there, just lighten the fuck up and don’t make me sorry I invited you,” he stated, nodding his head toward the entrance of the nightclub.

  ****

  Minutes after we were shown to the VIP section in the club, I took a seat and ordered two large single malts thinking the more whiskey I could get down my neck the less offensive I’d find Caleb’s obnoxious behavior. The shit storm with Phoebe was still on my mind so I wanted to get blind drunk and not have to think about it. Caleb was already heading toward a tiny bleached-blonde TV actress from one of the soap operas currently showing. She looked sixteen but was probably ten years older given the time she’d been on the show.

  Eying her pretty friend, who I didn’t recognize, I wondered if she was a D-list actress. I knew from the moment Caleb led them toward us, like it or not, I’d be spending some time with her.

  “You know Julianna, right? And this is her friend,” Caleb gestured to her with his hand for her to say her name. She rolled her eyes, and stood in silence before she gave him a sarcastic look. A smirk played on my face in reaction to the way she deadpanned him, and I figured I liked her already just for snubbing Caleb’s cocky, ignorant behavior. He could at least have pretended to be interested in his female companion’s friend before bringing them over.

  Feeling a laugh brewing inside, I chewed my lip in an effort not to allow a wide smile to split my face and stood up, thrusting my hand to meet her. “Gray,” I said in a dulcet tone, into complete silence just at the split second the music was changing. It couldn’t have been timed better.

  The small, curvy brunette was the opposite of Phoebe but she was fucking cute all the same. The sassy attitude rolled off her and I couldn’t hold my smile back any longer when she raked her eyes up and down me before they settled on my face.

  “Yeah, I know who you are. Not a fan of your music; more of an R&B girl myself.”

  Cute, honest, and sassy. She was way more interesting than any adoring fangirl. I wanted to know more about her.

  “Are you gonna tell me your name because I like to know who I’m getting into a pissing contest with,” I said, a deep chuckle growing in my chest.

  “I dunno, would you remember it?”

  “Ouch, sweetheart’. You have a low opinion of me before we’ve even gotten to know each other.”

  “You want to know me? Or you want to fuck me?”

  “Not fucking you,” I said with a grin.

  “You don’t think I’m fuckable?” Damn she’s fucking hilarious.

  “Oh, I’m sure you’re very fuckable.”

  “How can you be sure? You don’t know me.”

  “No I don’t, but you have a beautiful body and a very cute face.”

  “Oh, now you have X-ray vision? Have you been undressing me while we’re having this conversation?”

  “This is a conversation? Feels more like an interrogation to me. I am capable of speaking to a girl without wanting to fuck her.”

  “So, you don’t want to fuck me?”

  Stopping the rapid-fire conversation, I rubbed the back of my neck, picked up my glass of whiskey and took a big swig. Her eyes followed my actions and I set the glass down before I placed my thumb to my lips in contemplation. Her challenging conversation turned me on and I had a boner. Not a ball breaking one, but enough that I would definitely have gone there with her had I not just ended my ‘thing’ with Phoebe.

  “You know what I think? Whichever way I answer you’ll bust my balls, so I’ll keep my thoughts to myself.”

  “Damn, a rock star who thinks before he speaks and actually has a filter. How come you two are friends?” she asked, glancing at Caleb before her sparkling blue eyes came back to meet mine. It was probably the best compliment she could give me.

  “We’re bandmates.”

  “So, if you weren’t bandmates would you be friends?”

  Caleb looked at me like the answer meant a lot to him, and like I had said a million times, the guy got on my last nerve. Although we had our differences and he pissed me the fuck off most days, I’d never put him down to anyone else.

  “Absolutely. This guy is part of something in my life that makes me feel whole. He has my back and I got his. If you don’t like Caleb, you don’t socialize with me.”

  Caleb looked like I’d just told him there was a free-for-all orgy in the next room. His eyes widening, a smile split his face while his breathing became quicker in response to my answer.

  “No offense, Caleb. I just wanted to see if he would give me a dick answer, but he passed the test.”

  “Does that mean you’re going to party with us?” I asked, smiling warmly at the way she had dropped her guard a little as she pulled her tight top down over her pert tits by the hem like she was advertising them.

  “I guess I am, because it’s either that or I spend the night hanging out by myself while these two try to suck each other’s faces off,” she said with a hint of irritation in her voice.

  “Hey. That’s a bit much, B, we’ve only just met,” Julianna chided her.

  “Yeah, but let’s face it, Jules, that’s always how the night ends, right? Why would tonight be any different?”

  Julianna cleared her throat to show her annoyance, her eyes darting between her friend, me, and Caleb before she turned back to address the remark. “You make me sound like a whore.”

  “Listen, I know you don’t fuck them all, but you do like playing tonsil tennis. I think you’re addicted to that wet feeling between your thighs.”

  My jaw hung in shock and Caleb immediately chipped in, “Then that makes two of us, honey, because I’m kinda addicted to that myself.”

  “Caleb, I was on the verge of knocking you back when you asked me out tonight, but you know what? This has made my week. How fucking funny is this girl?” I asked, nodding toward the sassy little bundle of sarcasm and dry wit beside me.

  “Oh, so now I’m a clown? You always insult the woman you’re supposed to entertain as wingman?”

  Julianna piped up. “B, I don’t know why the fuck I’m even friends with you sometimes,” she said, huffing in frustration.

  “Because, I tell you when you make shitty decisions and drag you home when I think you’re gonna make one you’ll regret in the morning.”

  “True, you’re a good friend, sorry,” Julianna said by way of an apology. After a quick recalculation of their friendship, she continued, “Do you want to stay or am I blowing Caleb off? After your little dig about me leaving you on your own I can’t go forward with my night thinking about that. It’ll get in the way of me enjoying myself.”

  B looked from her friend to me and nodded. “I’m staying…but you’re not fucking me,” she warned, eying me with suspicion and wagging a pointy finger as she sat down.

  “Don’t worry, my women tend to climb on me to take what they need, I don’t chase. All I want is to get drunk in good company,” I chuckled.

  “Ah well, you’re in luck because that’s one thing we agree on, let’s get hammered,” she said, breaking into a beautiful smile that changed her appearance fr
om cute to sexy siren as she waved her hand to attract the cocktail waitress’ attention. “Drinks are on you guys, right?”

  Caleb winked at me in a ‘you got this’ gesture, thinking I’d won her over, but I wasn’t going after her. I felt I’d just had the most honest and forthright conversation with anyone in years, apart from Brody. I settled myself back into the blue leather sofa as the drinks order was taken and lifted my whiskey glass in salute. “To beautiful, sassy women and the men that attempt to go after them. To alcohol and good old honest conversation,” I said, toasting our arrangement.

  “And no fucking,” B added as she took a half bottle of vodka from her bag and unscrewed the lid. As my whisky glass was empty by then she grabbed the small tumbler from my hand. Her fingers brushed mine and the electricity that passed between us threw us both off to the point where our eyes connected and I saw the heat grow in hers. Only the arrival of the waitress pulled me out of my stupor.

  “You can’t drink that in here,” the waitress told her, nodding at the bottle.

  “What? Do you sell diabetic vodka?”

  The waitress gave her a puzzled look. “I don’t think so,” she replied.

  B quickly interjected, “So, if I have to drink something you can’t provide for medical reasons, you’d tell me no?”

  The waitress’ eyes rolled to the top of her head in thought.

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t know you could get diabetic vodka,” she said apologetically.

  “Well, now you know. Neither do most bars. And anyway, just because I’m not drinking much here doesn’t mean you can’t. The guys are paying so grab a drink for yourself,” she ordered.

  The waitress flashed her a grateful smile then walked away oblivious about being played. B laughed, “That was close. Diabetic vodka, what the fuck? Can you believe her?”

  “Why did you bring that?”

  “These places are so fucking expensive. I’d have to sell a kidney to come here if I drank more than two. She may have deep pockets, but I’m barely earning a living wage.”

  I was glad for the diversion of the drink, but wary of B after Phoebe. I hadn’t set out with anything in mind except getting drunk to forget the mess I’d created for a while. I had cared enough about Phoebe to not want to shag the first piece of skirt that I came into contact with after breaking up with her.

  “You’re a rock star, what’s that like?”

  “Not answering any personal questions without a name,” I smirked wickedly, and raised my eyebrow in question.

  “B,” she responded with another roll of her eyes as her face reddened even in the low light of the club.

  “That’s not a name. That’s an initial…are you called something wanky like Bertha or something?” I pressed, knowing I’d hit a nerve.

  “Her name’s Honey, that’s why she gets called B.”

  The whites of B’s eyes were visible as she pursed her lips and gave Julianna a ‘what the fuck’ stare before shaking her head. “Yeah, all right, let’s have it.”

  I tried, I really tried not to laugh, because Honey completely suited the way B looked to a tee, but the sassy girl who had been trying to tear me a new asshole for the last ten minutes just lost all credibility as a badass with her name.

  “Ah, don’t get pissed at her, but I can see why you want to be called B. It’s so when a guy’s fucking you and he calls you honey you can connect with him in an erotic way. You must think every guy in the world knows your name, huh?” Caleb’s contribution made her nostrils flair.

  “I liked you better when you were trying to get into Jules’ knickers, Caleb. Why don’t you shut the fuck up and do what you do best?” B shot back at him. The fire in her eyes burned deep as she scowled at her friend who appeared every bit as tactful as Caleb. I decided distraction was the best plan going forward.

  “You mentioned you liked R&B. Who’s your favorite artist?

  “James Brown,” she said in a heartbeat, and just like that, the conversation shifted to focus on something she liked, her name forgotten.

  ****

  As the night wore on B became less confrontational, mellowed by the amount of alcohol she’d consumed and was visibly more relaxed. I guess it must have been the same for me because our conversation flowed effortlessly. She was quite knowledgeable about music, movies, and the entertainment industry in general. It was nice talking to a real person who didn’t feel the need to praise someone just because they ranked high in the popularity stakes. Eventually, our talk turned more personal and I found myself telling her things about myself I hadn’t expected to share with anyone else.

  Chapter 24

  Something missing ~ Gray

  Talking to B was weird in the sense I didn’t feel the need to watch what I said. Around my fifth large whiskey my tongue became so loose I scared myself with the shit I was talking about; it had been pretty personal to me. Stuff I’d been thinking about after speaking with Brody was aired, and the whole time, B sat listening, her brow furrowed, soaking up every word I said. When I had nothing more in me she took a deep breath and sighed. “Are you saying you’ve never felt like you were in love before?”

  “With Hettie, it was new...nothing heavy. I missed her after I came home. Maybe I would have gotten there with her.”

  “And Phoebe?”

  “What?

  “You said you missed Phoebe.”

  “I did...do.”

  “Okay. I’m gonna ask you, Hettie or Phoebe? Choose one.”

  “If you’d asked me that last year I would have said Hettie, hands down. Now, I’m not so sure. The thing with Phoebe is raw, you know? Like more unfinished business. It was shitty how I dealt with her.”

  “Forget that, which one would you throw out of the boat if it was sinking and the three of you were in it?”

  I smirked wryly. “You can’t ask me that.”

  “Just did, don’t think about it, just answer.”

  “Phoebe.” I surprised myself because there was no hesitation.

  “Are you regretting the break-up with Phoebe or how it ended?”

  I considered her question and took another large mouthful of whiskey, swallowed and the burn as it slid down my throat made me grimace.

  “No, not regretting the break-up. To be honest, I felt confused, like something was missing, even when I was with her. It’s too hard to explain.”

  “What about men?”

  “What about them?”

  “How are your relationships with men?”

  “No problems there.”

  “Have you ever experimented with your sexuality?”

  “I’m not gay,” I answered quickly and indignantly. I had no issues at all with anyone’s sexuality, but I’d never imagined myself in a homosexual situation.

  “That didn’t answer my question,” she said softly.

  “What do you want me to say? Me and my mate, Brody, had a wank together? It never happened. I’ve never been into guys, never even thought about it.”

  “All right, jeez, no need to get yourself in a state. It was only a question.”

  “I like girls. I like fucking girls. I prefer one on one female company.”

  “You know what I notice about you? You lack hunger.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Most guys see a pretty woman and they go in for the kill. When they want something, they take it.”

  “I can do that.”

  “What did you think when you met me?”

  “I thought you were cute. Then you opened your mouth,” I said, teasing her.

  “The way I spoke put you off me?” Her eyes were searching my face for the truth so I gave it to her.

  “No, Honey, you made me hard. Maybe it was your full-on sass, but my dick reacted.”

  “You like to be dominated?”

  “Jesus, why does everything I say have to be analyzed and twisted to fit some opinion? I liked you, I liked how you took Caleb down a peg
, and it changed my mind about spending time with you.”

  “Do you ever use the word love? Feel it in here?” she asked, banging her fist against her ample tits as her bangles jangled against her wrist.

  “What do you mean?”

  “One thing I’ve noticed tonight is that you use the word like a lot. Tell me what you love.”

  “Music.”

  “Anything else?”

  “My dad…Brody.”

  “When did you meet Brody?”

  “When I was a kid…eight or nine. Been best mates since school.”

  “Did something happen to you when you were a kid?”

  “What the fuck? Like was I abused? What are you, a shrink?”

  “No, but my guess is something from when you were a kid is holding you back from investing in relationships.” She sounded like Brody, but I was interested where she was going with her line of questioning so I answered.

  “My mother left my dad when I was nine.”

  Her eyes opened wide, staring at me as she placed her hand over mine.

  “Bingo. And there’s the deal,” she said, her eyes brightening like some light bulb had gone on behind them. I felt like I was supposed to just click and suddenly feel what everyone thought I was supposed to feel. Her smug smile made me wonder if her revelation was true. I mulled over her analysis and frowned.

  “Don’t you see, Gray? You can say you love your dad and Brody. They were there when you had a secure environment. Your mom leaving hurt you so much you’ve blocked that out to the extent that you don’t allow yourself to get attached to people. I’m no expert but I’d say you need to find a professional to talk to about this. Do yourself a favor and don’t get into anything before you’ve worked it out.”

  B turned and looked for her handbag, then pulled out a card. “I know this isn’t the time, but here’s my number. Call me and we’ll talk. We can Skype call. I want to help you, as a friend.” Glancing down at her card, I couldn’t help but smile. “Do you talk this frankly with your clients?” I said, noting she was a hair and make-up artist.

  “Nah, only the hot, angst-torn ones,” she said with a smirk and grabbed hold of my whiskey glass.