Fighting to Start

by S. L. Ziegler

  On the plane ride home, I stared out the window while Reed held my limp hand. I haven’t spoken a word to him first since I woke up, but that hasn’t stopped him from trying to talk to me. But I don’t want him to, don’t feel the need for him to. Everything that he should have said needed to be said months ago.

  “At the vet still. I’ll pick them up tomorrow. I don’t want to leave you alone yet.” Translation, Reed is scared I’m going to get high.

  “Can you pick them up now? I want Lucy.”

  “I guess. Let me call and see if Laura can come over. But can we talk first? We haven’t talked in forever and the doctor said it’s bad for your recovery if you hold it in.”

  Oh yes, recovery…because I overdosed and almost died. Because everyone thinks I’m an addict. I didn’t fight anyone about it, even after they found out what really happened. They all thought I took a step forward going into the treatment center, which isn’t true. I’m not an addict in the true sense of the word. The loss of control that drugs gave me is something I never want to experience again.

  “Trust me, you don’t want to hear what I have to say right now. Go get Lucy or I will.”

  “Hadley, I do want to know. In group, they told us—”

  “Shut the fuck up, Reed! Work the program, blah blah blah. I am not A FUCKING ADDICT! You want to know what I’m thinking? Fine, I’ll tell you. Haven’t you heard the phrase, ‘don’t fuck someone with more problems than you’? Well, Reed, I have a fucking house worth of them right now. And appeasing you isn’t on the fucking high end of my list. All this shit. Everything is your fault. You lied every single step of the way. You got married, and God knows what happened to your fucking kid. And, honestly, I couldn’t give a flying fuck, either. I’m done with this shit, Reed.” I spit out to him.

  “Babe, you won’t let me even explain it. I haven’t been great, but everything I did was to fucking protect you. Look what you did when you found out—you fucking ran off and got high. You say you’re not an addict, but that’s what they do, exactly what they do. They go and get high to fucking get away, and that’s what you did. You’re a fucking addict. Talk to me.”

  “We are talking right now.”

  “No, Hadley—we are speaking. Big fucking difference.”

  “I just told you how I felt, and you told me how you felt. That sounds like talking to me. But what do I know?”

  “Yell, scream, hit me, go run, go see James—hell, do whatever—just don’t hold it in. We can fix this together. We love each other enough to not let anything come between us, including this shit. But, babe, I can feel you slipping away, putting on a mask to please all of us. I see your eyes checking out. I would kill to be standing next to you, to be the one to pull you away from all this. But you have to let me.”

  “Reed, right now, this love you are talking about feels an awful lot like hate. And I don’t want to feel it anymore. I’ve felt it every single day for almost six years and I’m done.”

  “Babe, you have to feel it—you can’t get high. You said you forgave me, but that’s the biggest load of bullshit ever. Let me fight this fight with you—for you. Hads, stay and do it with me. Fight for us. For me. For you. Fight to start. Hadley, I can’t help you if you don’t want it. Talk to me.” He pleads with me, I know he’s frustrated. But I just don’t give a shit anymore.

  “Fuck, Reed… I’m not going to go get high, but I’m going to get the fuck away from you.”

  “Are you sure this is what you want, Hadley? It’s a six-month commitment.”

  “Yes, James. It’s the right thing for me.”

  “I am trusting you, Hadley, and I’m putting my name on the line for you. Better not flake.”

  “I won’t.”

  “Okay, then we leave at noon tomorrow. I’ll pick you up at seven. That leaves us enough time to go through customs without having to rush. Will you be at Reed’s or your place?”

  “I’m at my house now packing everything and getting my passport, but I’m guessing I should go back to his place or he will send out a search party.”

  “Hadley?”

  “James, I’m good. I promise.” I hang up and throw my phone on my bed, and lands on Reed’s pillow. Damn fucking pillow. I grab it and a matchbook from my end table. I walk outside where the fire pit is, throw it in, and light the match and toss it in. And watch it burn to nothing.

  I try not to move when Reed gets into bed. He pulls me into him, and I can’t help but tense. He has to know I’m awake, but he says nothing. Just holds onto me tightly, never letting go.

  I can’t pretend anymore. I’m weak, defenseless—anything but strong. It has nothing to do with what Reed did and everything to do with who I am as a person. At some point, I have to break through myself, to find the me I’m proud of when I look in the mirror. The me I can love. I know I’ll never be the same and that’s okay, because this changed me, and it will mold me into someone better. But sometimes, love isn’t enough to hold on to. I may have to fight everything from this point on, I may struggle to live, but I’ll never give up on me again.

  I’m the only one that can save me.

  Finishing my cup of coffee, I set my letter on the counter for Reed to see. Funny, all this mess started with a note, and it’s going to end with one, too. Ironic.

  Stepping outside the minute James pulls into the driveway, I open up my trunk and haul out my luggage.

  James steps around, and helps me load my things into his car. When I climb inside the passenger seat and close the car door, James looks over at me. “Hadley, I won’t ask you again. But are you sure you want to do this?”

  Wiping tears from my eyes, I say, “I’m not sure leaving this way is right, James. But I do know staying here will destroy me more than I already am, and that’s why I have to go. For so long, I looked to someone else for my happiness, to make everything better, and I can’t do that anymore. It’s not right. So, James, it’s not about wanting to…it’s about needing to.”

  The minute James starts driving, I glance out the side mirror and see Reed on the doorstep. I’ll never forget that look on his face. I just broke the strongest man I ever knew because I can’t be strong enough.

  Reed

  “Loki, please stop barking.” I turn over to snuggle into Hadley, but she’s not here. Loki jumps off the bed and runs down the stairs, barking like crazy at the door. I turn to the kitchen and see a letter with my name on it. I know what it says without even reading it, and I know this is her way of goodbye.

  Reed,

  Writing this letter, I know now what you felt when you wrote yours. We said a lot yesterday and a lot of that needed to be said. I’m broken, and if I stay, I’ll never get myself back. I have to love me, and until I do that, I can’t open my heart to anyone. I know you would try to fix this, but not everything that’s broken needs to be fixed. It’s not that easy, and I think it’s time to let go. We can’t live like this anymore. It’s better for us if we say goodbye, to let each other go. You walked away to find yourself, so understand that’s what I’m doing now. I lost the real me so long ago, I’m not sure she even exists anymore. I’m not going to promise I’ll come back because I don’t know. Reed, I don’t know anything anymore.

  Live your life, don’t close yourself off. You are an amazing person and when you let people in, it’s a present.

  Love you Madly,

  Hadley

  I drop the letter to the ground as I run outside, catching the lights of a car speed off, away from my house. She wants to find herself—good, great. But she’s fucking nuts if she thinks I won’t fight for her. Because life isn’t supposed to be like this. It’s not supposed to knock your ass out after the first round.

  I’ll fight for us to stay.

  Unedited sneak peek of

  Fighting to Stay

  coming out fall 2015.

  What doesn’t kill us will make us stronger. Or so they say. But what if you already feel dead? One foot in front of another. They say. But my feet
wouldn’t move. So I moved one inch at a time, one miniscule inch at a time. Easy? Nope. But I did it.

  Chapter 1

  I pull my legs up to my chest and gaze out of the patio door of our condo, into the rolling hills off in the distance. At first when I stepped off the plane two months ago I was a shell of a person, I was lost in the fire I caused, I split myself down the middle leaning on two different people, I turned to dust because I couldn’t stand up on my own. I let Reed crack my foundation, I let Bennett bulldozed the rest, and it was up to me to build me up again. The journey, the heartache, the love, all landed me here. Where I used other people as a band aid over and hoped like hell it stayed. But when that band aid was ripped off boy did everything crumbled in its wake.

  Medellin Columbia is opposite of everything I pictured. When I called and begged James to take me with him, I was expecting fields lined with cocaine plants and instead I got one of the best cities I have ever laid eyes on. The joy Columbians have for life is contagious, you can’t fight it even if you want to. And because of that I’m painfully slowly restoring me inside. It’s a humbling experience to look at yourself in the mirror and sincerely and truly like the person that reflects back.

  Acknowledgements

  This book has been a journey of almost two years. Every night I would go to sleep and dream of Hadley and Reed’s story till one day I had enough and had to get it down. It’s been one hell of a ride and I loved every single second of it. Thank you to all the readers that are spending their time and money on a story I cried over, laughed over and panicked over.

  I love you all MADLY!

  FIRST and foremost THANK YOU to God for giving me the gift of one heck of an imagination.

  Jon- Thank you for supporting me every single step of the way! I couldn’t ask for a better partner in crime. And not complaining so much about the non home cooked meals.

  Mackenzie and Connor- You two kids are my world and push me without even knowing it. Love you both to the moon!

  Mom- Thank you so much for showing me that’s it not about the outcome of the battle but how you fight it that matters.

  Dad- Not a day goes by that I don’t miss you and wish you were here to watch me through this journey. But I know you are smiling down so proud of me for finally using my vivid imagination for something good.

  Sarah- Thank you for the constant support and not bat an eyelash when I told you I was doing this, even though I know this book isn’t your cup of tea.

  Kimi- Thank you for being my biggest cheerleader, for always being just a phone call away when I think I can’t go any further.

  Courtney- My person, the first one I’ll call when I do need to bury that body. Thank you for mad proof skills.

  Stephanie- Without you and your push this book would have just been a back thought of mine, a flash drive near the side of the computer. Thank you for believing in me. Thank you for my amazing book cover and teasers! Now I can’t wait to watch you shine.

  Chris- Not many people in this world would I change Crotch Rots name for! Thank you for your 100 percent honest views and for showing me Reed can be loved.

  Kristen- My soul sister! Thank you for your skills and patience! You are one in a million. Still starting my campaign though. #deathtosemicolons

  Curly- Thanks for the hours spent at the gym to get muscle ready for my cover! Oh and the oil down.

  Wanda-Madam Secretary… Need I saw I more?

  Angie, Brandi, Ashley- Thank you for your mad beta skills.

  Mandi- Thank you for answering all my stupid questions girl!

  Pussycat promotion- thank you girls for all you help!

  To ALL the blogs that took the time to share my book, teasers, covers, ect. Much LOVE!