Smoldering

by Tiffany Aleman

  “Hey,” he says in a surprised voice. “What’s up?”

  I clear my throat before answering. “I was wondering if we could have lunch sometime. You know, to thank you for last night and apologize at the same time.”

  “Kelsey, you have nothing to apologize for.” He laughs.

  “You may not think so, but I’d have to disagree. So please, let me apologize, for my conscience’s sake,” I reply softly.

  He’s silent for a moment as I patiently wait for him to answer me. “Okay. Lunch sounds good. When?”

  “When are you free? I’d hate to interrupt whatever plans you might have.”

  “It’s Sunday, Kelsey. If interrupting me from laundry is going to make you feel bad then I’d say we’re at an impasse,” he jokes. “I think today would be perfect,” he says, his tone sincere. “Where’d you like to meet up?”

  “How does Candid sound?” I ask.

  “Great. What time are you thinking?” he answers enthusiastically.

  Apprehensively, I ask. “Thirty minutes or so?”

  “Sounds good.”

  “See you then,” I say through a smile before hanging up.

  I toss my phone into my purse and, as I go to stand, I catch a glimpse of Jen. Her brows are furrowed as she looks at me.

  “What?” I ask, nervous as to why she’s looking at me like that.

  “I hope you know what you’re doing,” she states skeptically with a shake of her head.

  I sigh in frustration, but try to understand where she’s coming from. Her feelings are completely warranted, especially since I’ve put her through hell these past three months. I know I have a lot of proving myself to do for her to believe I’m going to be fine. “It’s just lunch, Jen. Nothing more, okay?”

  A small smile pulls at the corner of her lips as she nods. “All right.”

  “Love you,” I call out over my shoulder as I walk out of the door.

  As I sit in a booth at Candid waiting on Lyle, I stare out the two-way glass, watching folks pass by. Some of them have their heads tilted back in laughter as they walk down the street with their friends. Others walk by with their significant others, holding hands, sneaking a sweet kiss here or there, or just enjoying the warm October day. I think back to how I wasn’t much different from these strangers passing by not too long. I was happy. I laughed a lot. I was living. Then my world went to shit in the blink of an eye. I let myself spiral out of control, but not anymore. I’ll be like these people passing by outside again.

  “See anything interesting out there?”

  The question snaps me out of my reverie as I turn to see Lyle scooting into the seat across from me.

  A grin pulls at the corners of my lips. “No,” I answer with a shake of my head.

  Lyle smiles back at me before he picks up the menu in front of him. “Have you ordered yet?” he asks as he opens the laminated pages, scanning over the choices.

  I follow suit, my eyes perusing the choices before me. “No. I was waiting for you.”

  “The pizzas look good. Want to split one?” he asks, his eyes finding mine over the top of the menu.

  “I don’t know, are you a picky eater?” I joke, grinning at him to try to lighten the mood.

  One of his brows shoots up as he grins back at me. “Well, if not liking anchovies or olives makes me a picky eater, then yes, I’m picky.”

  “Then I’m picky too, I guess.” I chuckle. “What do you think sounds good?”

  “The meat eater?”

  I lay my menu back down on the table, recline back in my seat, and answer. “All right. Good choice.”

  He sets his menu down and scoots out of the booth. “I’ll go place the order. Be right back.”

  When he returns with his hands full, we divvy up the plates, silverware, and napkins. Lyle places my soda on the table and drapes an arm over the back of the booth as he takes a sip of his drink. There’s an ease about him that’s refreshing. His fingers tap the table a couple of times as his eyes hold mine. “I hope everything went okay after I dropped you off last night. Jen looked really pissed,” he states, breaking the ice for me to begin.

  I avert my eyes from his and sigh. “I had it coming, believe me.”

  “The guy in the alley, is that the same one from City Market?” he asks.

  “Yes. I met him before you. There was an instant attraction between us that soon turned into a connection,” I answer not looking at him. “We broke up a little over two months ago,” I whisper. A pang of hurt lances through me and, as quickly as it comes, I push it away.

  “You still love him?” he asks. It’s an honest question with no bitterness behind it.

  I turn my gaze back to him as I answer. “Yes.” My response is immediate as I nod. “I think a piece of me always will. But I have to let him go because I’m losing myself.”

  “What happened?” he asks. When I look back at him, he holds his hands up in surrender. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to sound so intrusive. You don’t have to tel—”

  “It’s fine.” I laugh out as I cut him off from rambling any longer. “I kept certain things from him. I didn’t tell him that my father is Congressman Thomas Connor and that my ex-fiancée is the Governor of Virginia, Todd Prescott.”

  “Why didn’t you tell him?” he asks as he leans back in the booth, his brows furrowed and head tilted to the side in confusion.

  “My family and I no longer speak… haven’t spoken in two years. I didn’t want to marry Todd and they knew that. But my happiness didn’t matter to them. Todd’s always had an interest in running for president. To my parents, they thought he was the perfect choice for me, even if he wasn’t my choice.” I sigh before continuing. “I walked out on him, them, the day of my wedding. When I left that life behind, I had this whole idea in my head that I could go on with life not thinking that my past mattered but I was wrong.”

  “Your past came back to bite you in the ass, didn’t it?” he concludes.

  A humorless chuckle escapes me at his comment. “Big time,” I nod.

  “Riley, my ex, his family is from old southern money. They grow and process cotton for companies all over the world. My first time meeting Riley’s parents didn’t go so well. They had this benefit and Todd just so happened to be there. I didn’t mention that he’s a little bitter about the way I ended things between us.” I chuckle. “Long story short, he embarrassed me in front of everybody. I wound up running and, after talking to Jen, she convinced me to go find Riley and talk things through.”

  “He didn’t want to work it out?”

  I shrug. “I don’t know. When I went to find him, I overheard my name being said behind a closed door. So, I stood there and listened. It was Riley and his parents. They told him to go to me, see what was going on, but to take into consideration that there was going to be some backlash against their business. You know how the old saying goes. ‘You are the company you keep’. I couldn’t make him choose between his family and me. I was the one who decided we should give each other some space, but I only did that so he could take all things into consideration. I didn’t want him to feel like I was trying to make him choose me, if that makes any sense.”

  “It does,” Lyle nods.

  We both look up when we hear our order number called.

  “You need a refill?” he asks, nodding toward my empty glass.

  “Please, just some ice water with a lemon.”

  He grins at me. “Got it,” he answers with a tap on the table and then he walks off to pick up our food and drinks.

  As soon as Lyle returns, we dig into our pizza. He asks more questions to which I oblige by answering him. He asks about what I’ve been going through with this breakup and how it’s affected me. I explain to him about the depression I’ve sunk into and how I’ve spent the last month and a half partying like there’s no tomorrow. Lyle just sits there, silently listening, never judging. I tell him about my Master’s Degree and how I have no job now.

  “Now you can se
e why I deserved Jen’s wrath last night. I’ve put her through so much these past few months. And you can also see why I needed to apologize to you for last night. It had nothing to do with you and everything to do with me,” I state, wiping the corners of my mouth with my napkin. “I’m so full.” I groan as I lean back against the back of the booth.

  Lyle pats his flat stomach as if it’s all big and round. “Me, too, and it’s okay. But what are you going to do for a job?” he asks before taking a sip of his own water.

  “I’ll have to get one, obviously, but I have money in savings.”

  “What about your degree?”

  “What about it?”

  “You have a Master’s Degree from Yale, Kelsey,” Lyle states as he holds up his hand to stop me from arguing with him. “I know your reasons behind why you don’t want to use it. But who gives a shit if your parents paid for it. You busted your ass for that degree. Yale isn’t an Ivy League school because it’s easy and anybody can get a degree from there.”

  My head tilts to one side as I look at Lyle, contemplating what he’s saying. I’ve never looked at it from that standpoint. Yes, my parents may have paid my tuition, but they didn’t spend countless nights studying or worrying themselves sick over grades. I did. Me. Why not take advantage of what I busted my ass for six years of my life to earn.

  “You’re right.” That two-word answer speaks volumes. I’m going to do it. I’m going to get my nursing license re-instated.

  “Of course I am,” he jokes with a laugh.

  “Thank you for everything today.” My tone is as genuine as the smile I direct at him.

  “Anytime. If you need anything, if you just want to hang out, talk, whatever, I’m here, okay?” Lyle answers as he leans over the table, placing his hand on mine.

  Surprised by his gesture, my eyes flicker to his hand covering mine. He must notice my reaction because slowly, he pulls his hand back, murmuring sorry under his breath. He clears his throat and fidgets in his seat, avoiding eye contact with me.

  I decide it’s time to change the subject.

  “Well,” I smile at him. “I may take you up on your offer sometime.”

  “I hope you do,” he answers with a smile of his own.

  After going to lunch with Lyle a month ago, I’ve thought constantly about what he said about my degree. My stubbornness has gotten me nowhere. I could get my job back at the diner, but I’m not even sure I want it back. Dante has said that Dave would hire me back, but Smokey’s no longer feels like home to me. Instead, it has become a building that houses memories of Riley and me, memories I need a break from. With my mind made up, I call and schedule my testing date for two months out.

  A motivated nervousness begins to build with the realization of my impending exam. I’m excited because I’m getting back to doing something I love. I’m anxious because it has been two years. The day after our lunch, I called Lyle to thank him for his words of support and, when I told him what I was doing, he offered to help me study in the evenings after he got off work. We’ve seen each other every day since then. Like Jen, he’s become a good friend. I know that Lyle wants to try for something more, but I’m just not there yet.

  “Wrong,” Lyle says in an annoyed tone. He leans back in his chair and nibbles on his Chinese takeout.

  I groan in frustration and rub my eyes with the heels of my palms. We’ve been going over everything under the sun to make sure I’m ready for my NCLEX-RN exam in a couple of months. Notecards, notes, paperwork I’ve printed to help me study, they lie scattered all over my kitchen table. I drop my hands away from my face only to look at the clock on the stove. It’s already ten at night and we’ve been at this for three hours now.

  “I thought you’ve been studying during the day?” Lyle asks, his eyebrows dipped down in confusion.

  “I have.” I sigh. I start gathering all my study materials together, but stop to add, “I’m just nervous about the exam and irritated with myself because I shouldn’t have this hard of a time remembering all this stuff.”

  Lyle stands, collects our takeout boxes, and throws them in the trash. Standing at the sink, he turns on the water and begins washing our forks. “I know Jen’s gone for the next week, so I can help this weekend, too. If you need me.”

  Yesterday, Jen left for Luton, England to pitch a design on some business jets at Gulfstream’s main office there. She told me she’d be gone for a week. Jen was nervous to leave me, but, after these past few days, I knew she could tell I was starting to get back to my old self again. Not once since the night that she slapped me have I gone out. I haven’t drank one drop of alcohol. But I think my actually registering for my exam was the catalyst that made her okay with leaving for her business trip.

  “I appreciate it, but I can’t take away your weekends, too. I already have you all week.” I laugh out. Lyle’s thoughtfulness knows no bounds. I smile at him from my seat across the kitchen.

  He shuts off the water, turns around, and leans back against the counter. Crossing his arms over his chest, he stares at me with his head tilted to one side. My eyes stray from his as I start stacking all my papers neatly. Looking at him out the corner of my eye, I see that his eyes are still fixed on me. His penetrating stare makes me feel exposed and self-conscience. “So… thanks so much for your help tonight. I don’t know what—”

  My words drift off when Lyle moves away from the counter and takes hold of my chin between his thumb and forefinger. Slowly, he turns my head, making it to where I have no choice but to look at him, his face inches from mine. I gasp from the contact, my eyes go wide, and my heart beats as frantically as a set of drums being pounded on by Travis Barker. His stunning green eyes bore into mine, searching for what, I don’t know. “I want to help you. I wouldn’t offer if I didn’t want to,” he whispers, his warm breath fanning out against my face. I watch as his eyes flicker from mine down to my lips and back up to my eyes.

  I swallow hard, barely shaking my head at his silent question. Lyle closes his eyes and takes a deep breath before releasing my chin and stepping back away from me. The awkwardness of the moment has me directing my gaze back to the stacks of study guide materials in front of me. This past week, he’s dropped subtle hints at wanting to try something more, but none as forward as this.

  “One day, you’re going to realize you’re not as broken as you think you are and I’m going to be the one standing here, waiting for you when that day comes.” The earnestness behind his words has my gaze snapping to his.

  “I’m no longer broken.” I shake my head, my voice soft. “I’m just fractured.”

  In two steps, he’s crouched down in front of me. His hands cover mine as he stares into my eyes. “Then let me help fix you.” His deep voice is low and pleading.

  “You do,” I whisper, my eyes drop to our hands. I squeeze his hands in mine before adding, “Every day you help, just by being here.”

  “But?”

  “I’m just not ready.” I look back up at him and can’t help but wonder if I’ll ever be ready. “It’s not fair for me to give you half of myself when you deserve a whole me. I can’t do that to you. I won’t do that to you. You’re becoming too important of a person for me to lose right now.”

  We stare at one another and I wait with baited breath in hopes that he’ll understand where I’m coming from. Lyle has become important to me. For the first time in months, my heart doesn’t hurt as bad. The crushing ache of my heartbreak doesn’t feel as suffocating anymore. I don’t feel as if I’m living in the dark. Every day I see more and more light, feel more and more warmth. Every day Lyle helps bring me back to the woman I once was. Giving him only part of me isn’t fair when he deserves all of me. I’m just not sure he’ll ever get it when I still can’t picture myself with anyone other than Riley.

  “Fair enough,” Lyle states with a heavy sigh and a sad smile. “I’m going to go.” His voice is soft and filled with defeat.

  “Please don’t be upset with me,” I plead with h
im as he stands, my eyes following him as he collects his suit jacket off the back of the chair.

  “I’m not upset,” he sighs. “I understand where you’re coming from and I’m doing my damndest to act like there isn’t something between us.”

  I sit there, not saying one word. There is something between us, even I know that, but knowing it and acting on it are two different things. There have been moments when I’ve been stressed out, studying non-stop, when Lyle will walk up behind me and start rubbing the knots out of my shoulders. Or when he sees I’m at my breaking point and literally drags me away from my apartment so that we can go take a walk or go to the movies. On more than one occasion, he’s held my hand or just held me and not once have I pulled away from his touch. Not because I don’t want to encourage it, but because it’s nice to be held again.

  “See,” he points out, “you can’t deny it, either. I’m not asking you to forget about your ex. I’m not asking you to move on with me. I’m just asking for a chance.”

  I stand up and walk into the living room, trying to gain some space between Lyle and me. Hot on my heels, Lyle spins me around and when I’m facing him, he cups my cheeks in his large hands, successfully capturing my attention. His captivating irises stare back into my hazel ones.

  “One date. That’s all I ask and, if you’re still not ready, then I’ll wait until you are. Either way, I’m going to be here until you tell me to leave.” The intensity in his voice and the conviction behind his words leaves me breathless and bewildered.

  My hands come up, capturing his wrists, but I don’t remove his hands from my face, I hold onto him as my eyes search his. It’s been three months, and Jen’s words ring loud and clear in my head. He’s not coming back. As those circle round and round in my head, I realize she’s right. If we really meant as much as we thought we did to each other, Riley and I would have, no, should have fought harder for one another, for us, for our love. But we didn’t and nothing can change that. I let him go the moment I walked out of his house without a backwards glance and he let me almost three months ago.