Smoldering

by Tiffany Aleman

  “I don’t want to hurt you.” My soft voice is filled with unshed tears as I swallow back the lump of emotions in my throat.

  “I know,” he states as he rests his forehead on mine. “But I’ll take that chance if it means we can have a shot.”

  My head shakes back and forth and my mind immediately goes to Riley, but I need to move on. I have to for me. Lyle’s here, pleading for me to take a chance with him. He’s been here helping me, building me back up, giving me glimpses of the woman I used to be. He knows everything that I’ve gone through with my past, with Riley, how I’ve handled our break up, how I still love him, and yet, he still wants to take a chance on me. I don’t know why I say yes to his request, but I do. All I can hope for is that I don’t destroy him if he falls and I don’t.

  “Okay. One date, but I’m not making any promises for more,” I whisper.

  A smile spreads across his face as he chuckles. “I can agree to that,” he answers.

  “I don’t know why I always do this,” I murmur under my breath as I pluck my purse off the kitchen table. As I rummage through my bag, a knock sounds from the front door and pulls my attention away from ensuring I have my keys so I can pick Jen up from the airport.

  I look at my watch as I make my way over to the door. Still an hour and half before her flight lands. I should have enough time to run by Lyle’s office and have lunch with him before picking her up, I think as I open the door.

  My eyes widen in surprise when I see Riley’s mother, Lana, standing on my porch. She looks just as pretty as the last time I saw her, even dressed as casual as she is now, in a pair of white capris, a plum colored, three-quarter sleeve shirt, and her light brown hair pulled back into a bun.

  “Lana. I, uh… What are you doing here?” I ask cautiously.

  “Kelsey,” she starts. The pristine person I met not long ago is not the woman standing before me. With her purse draped over her arm, she wrings her hands together in a nervous gesture. “Um… sorry to just drop by like this.” She laughs. “I hope you don’t mind. May I come in?”

  I step back from the door, waving her in. “Yes, please.” As she passes by me, she looks around my home, slowly taking in my belongings. “Lana,” I say, catching her attention as I close the door. “I don’t mean to sound rude, but how did you find out where I live?” I ask perplexed.

  “Last weekend, when Riley came up, I snuck his phone and found your number. You’d be surprised what that small amount of information can lead you to on the internet,” she declares honestly.

  I am rooted to the spot and completely flabbergasted that Riley still has my number in his phone, not that I don’t still have his, and that she researched me. When I don’t say anything, she quickly adds, “Please, don’t be angry with me. I came here in hopes that I could talk about you, about my son.”

  The very fact that she’s here blows my mind and I’m not sure what to do about it. Just when I think I’m ready and able to move on, I’m thrust back into the thick of things. A barrage of memories assaults me as I stand here, looking at Lana. Ones of us doing dishes together, her telling me about Riley’s grandmother making him learn to read Braille, the spa, picking out my dress together. I have to blink a couple of times in order for the flashback to stop. “Please, have a seat,” I offer as I take a seat on the couch.

  “I’m worried about him, Kelsey.” A sigh escapes her as she sits.

  Immediately I’m on alert. Even though we may be broken up, I’d never wish for anything bad to happen to him. It’s like a dead weight in the bottom of my stomach filling it with dread while I wait for her to clarify what’s happened.

  Lana looks down at her lap, her fingers picking at imaginary lint on her capris. “He’s changed Kelsey. He’s not the man he once was… He’s not my son,” she whispers.

  “What do you mean?” I ask, concern evident in my tone.

  She looks up, her once vibrant eyes now filled with worry lock onto mine. “We used to be close. We talked at least once or twice a week. Now I’m lucky if I hear from him once a month. The last time we spoke, it was because he told me he received deployment orders to Afghanistan,” she croaks out.

  My eyes widen as I gasp at her confession. The heart I thought was mending, held together only by stitching, shreds to a million pieces at this news. I watch as tears well up in her eyes and slowly fall over.

  “What?” I stammer out breathlessly.

  “Honey, he’s not in the right frame of mind to deploy. Y’all’s break up, it’s done a number on him.” She sniffs back tears.

  I nod, giving her a sad smile. “It’s been rough for me, too,” I admit softly.

  “Riley told me and Ron you heard what we said.”

  “I did.” I reach over, grabbing her hand and squeezing it. “But I understand why you felt the way you did and I’m okay with it. Your family has worked hard for generations to build your brand up, to make your business what it is today.” I sigh with a shake of my head as I look down at my lap. “I know what happened at the benefit was all my fault.”

  “Now you stop right there,” Lana scolds. Her tender hands reach up, cupping my face so that I have to look at her. “None of that was your fault. The damn Governor made a spectacle of himself, of you.”

  “But what about the benefit?” I whisper.

  “What about it?” She stares at me with such an intensity that my eyes begin to fill with unshed tears. I avert my eyes away from her penetrating stare, hoping she won’t notice. “Yes, the benefit and the cause are important to me and my family, but my son’s happiness means more. And his happiness lies with you,” she whispers, dropping her hands from my face. “Look, we did tell Riley to consider the backlash the family might get but we never told him he needed to choose you or us. We’d never do that. But my son is loyal to a fault. After you left the house, you should have seen him, Kelsey. He was a wreck. He wouldn’t speak to his father or me. I watched him go to the liquor cabinet, pull out a bottle of whiskey, and hole himself up in y’alls room until the next morning.” Lana shakes her head, trying to clear away the memory of her son hurting. “You have no idea what it’s like to see your child, no matter how old they are, hurting and know there’s nothing you can do to take away their pain,” she whispers.

  The tears that I had been holding back now spill over, cascading freely down my cheeks and onto Lana’s hands as I look back at her.

  “You still love him, right?” she asks.

  I nod because I’m afraid if I try to speak, I’ll break down in sobs.

  “Then go to him,” she whispers.

  “I already did, twice and it got me nowhere. I went to his house and I called him. Both of those times, it blew up in my face,” I whisper around the ball of emotion in my throat. “There’s only so many times you can play with fire before you get burned and no offense, but Riley’s already burned me twice.”

  She nods once. “My son is not perfect,” she sighs. “He’s a man with a broken heart.”

  “I’m afraid. We’ve both hurt each other too much. I’m not sure there’s anything left to salvage,” I croak out.

  “I understand,” she replies with a sad smile. Furiously I wipe away at the traitorous tears. “Nothing easy was ever worth fighting for. Every relationship has its ups and downs. But when you can make it through the bad times together, you always come out stronger. It just depends how bad you want to make it work. You have to fight.”

  “How do you know all this?” I joke, eliciting a small laugh from her.

  “I’ve been married for thirty-two years, dear. Mentally, I’m a fighter but this here,” she places her hand over her heart, “remembers every reason why I fell in love with my husband. My heart and the love I carry inside it for Ron makes all the hard times seem not so bad after all. Our good times carry more weight than the bad ones.” She smiles. “Please just think about what I said. Even if you’re right and it really is over between the two of you, at least you can say that you tried.” She shrugs befo
re standing.

  “I’ll try,” I whisper. “I can’t make any promises, Lana. I’ve never known a pain like the one I’ve gone through with our breakup. I’m still not over him completely, but I’ve been trying to move on. I lost myself for a while and I’ve slowly started to come back to who I used to be.” I take a deep breath and slowly exhale as I look up at her from the couch. “I’m not sure I can take being burned a third time. I’m not sure my sanity can take it again,” I answer honestly and pray that she can see where I’m coming from too.

  “I understand.” She nods as she walks to the door and opens it. “I have to go, but thank you for listening to what I had to say. And for the record, my husband and I adore you. We have never seen our son happier than when he was with you.” She smiles at me before walking out and closing the door behind her.

  “Me too,” I whisper to the now closed door.

  “Thank God I’m home,” Jen groans from beside me as I drive us back to our apartment. “I love London, but their food,” she shakes her head, “not so much.”

  After my chat with Lana, I had barely enough time to rush to the airport to pick up Jen. On my way, I called Lyle and apologized about lunch. Of course, he said it was all right, but then he asked what happened. Normally I wouldn’t have hesitated to tell him, but with our date in a couple of days, it felt awkward to tell him how my ex’s mother dropped by out of the blue, basically asking me to give it another go with her son. Which leads to the fact that I have a couple things to tell my best friend and I’m more than positive she’s not going to like what I have to say.

  “Hello!” Jen waves her hand in front of my face, breaking me from my thoughts. “Are you even listening to me?” she asks, annoyed.

  “I’m sorry,” I say, sneaking a glance at her out of the corner of my eye. “I have a lot going on.” I offer her a smile. “But I do want to hear about your trip, so please go on.”

  Jen shakes her head, her eyes scanning me from head to toe. “Nu-uh. Tell me what’s going on.” Her serious tone leaves no room for me to argue with her.

  I take a deep breath before I begin. “Where do I start?” I ask, a humorless laugh escaping me.

  “How about from the beginning.”

  I shoot a glare in her direction at her sarcastic comment.

  “Ha-ha. First off, I want you to agree to not say one thing until I’m finished.” My serious tone doesn’t go unnoticed.

  “Oh shit, this is serious,” she whispers as her eyes go wide with assumptions. “You’re not pregnant are you?” she asks with a gasp.

  “Shut up,” I laugh out. “And the answer to your question is hell no. First, I’m going out on a date with Lyle on Friday. Second, Riley’s mom showed up at our place when I was heading out to come pick you up.”

  We sit in silence for a few minutes and I know Jen is trying to process the load of information I just dropped on her.

  “Okay. First things first. Let’s focus on Riley’s mom. What did she say? What did she want?” she asks.

  I repeat the conversation I had with Lana from earlier today. Not once does Jen interrupt as she sits in the passenger seat silently listening. I tell her about how I felt hearing about Riley’s pending deployment, about how he’s been doing, and how his relationship with family is hurting.

  “Okay.” She shakes her head while holding up a finger. “Hold on one second while I process all of this.” She sits there for a couple of seconds and I want to laugh because I can see the wheels in her head spinning.

  Jen turns in her seat, looking at me as I pull onto our street. “What are you going to do?” she asks.

  That’s the question of the year, isn’t it?

  I shrug as I sigh. “Honestly? I don’t know. A part of me wants to go and talk to him, what I’d say I don’t know, because his mom’s right, he needs to have a clear mind while in a war zone. But the other part of me doesn’t want to see him because I’m finally in a place where I feel okay. This past month, I’ve worked hard on myself. Granted, I’m not completely there yet, but I am getting better. I’m afraid of the outcome if I do see him.”

  “Do you want to know my thoughts?” she asks as we pull up in front of our place and get out of the car. I pop the trunk and we walk around the back to start unloading her luggage.

  “Not really, but I’m sure you’ll tell me anyway,” I answer, smirking at her.

  We pull her bags out of the car, shut the trunk, and begin walking up towards the door. “I think you should see him,” she states.

  My head snaps in her direction, my jaw drops and my eyes widen in shock. She holds up a hand, stopping me from saying anything. “Hear me out, okay?” I nod for her to continue. “Every time either one of you has tried to talk to the other, you’ve either been emotionally fucked up or just plain drunk. Maybe now that you’re in a better place, you might be able to talk things out rationally.”

  “I don’t know, Jen. From the way his mom was talking, he’s not in a better place,” I reply, shaking my head as I wait for her to open the door.

  As soon as she pushes it open, we roll her luggage into the house.

  “Maybe. Maybe not. But you’ll never know unless you try. I think you owe it to yourself and to whatever this thing you have going on with Lyle,” she says as she shuts the door. “Speaking of, how did this whole date with Lyle come about?”

  “You know how much he’s been there for me this past month, helping me study, listening when I need someone to talk to. I can’t deny there’s a mutual attraction. He asked if I’d go on a date. He said he understood that I’m not over Riley but he wanted one date, a chance and I told him yes.” I smile at her with a shrug.

  “Bitch. You know you can always talk to me,” she gasps, faking offense as she falls down onto the couch.

  I walk over, sitting on the arm of the sectional as I stare down at her. “I know, but your biased because you love me and you’d choose my side,” I state matter of fact.

  “You bet your ass I would.” Jen props herself up on her elbows. “But I also want you to know that I love you and I’d understand if you and Riley worked things out,” she says with sincerity.

  “Why?” I ask confused. I’m taken aback by her reaction to this news. I was sure that she’d be pissed at my revelation on both topics at hand.

  “I’ve never seen you as happy as you were with him. Don’t get me wrong, I’m pissed about the way things went down between the two of you, but this decision is yours to make.” Jen smiles at me and her words remind me why she’s my best friend, my sister. “Just know that I’m here for you no matter what.”

  “Do you know where he’s taking you?” Jen asks as she leans against the doorframe to my room while I slip on my grey Chucks.

  “Nope,” I answer with a shake of my head. “All Lyle said was to dress comfortably.”

  I walk over to my mirror to check myself over before calling it good. I’ve paired dark wash, cuffed around the ankles, skinny jeans and a red, grey, and white plaid shirt with the sleeves rolled up to just below my elbows. My hair is down, the ends curled and pulled to the side to drape over my shoulder. With only mascara, eyeliner, and lip-gloss on, I nod at myself in approval.

  “You look good,” Jen says through a genuine smile.

  “Thanks,” I answer as I turn back around. I pick up my wristlet off the bed, checking once more to make sure I have everything I need when Jen interrupts me.

  “Are you excited?”

  “Yeah,” I answer with a true genuine smile. “It’s been three months, you know? I think it’ll be good for me to get back out there.”

  “That’s good, but have you, uh, thought about the whole Riley situation?” she asks, unease clear in her voice.

  “Why are you doing this now?” I look up at her my eyebrows raised in annoyance.

  “What? I just asked you a question,” she states defensively as she pushes off the doorframe and crosses her arms over her chest.

  “Why would you bring him up when I�
�m about to go on a date with Lyle?”

  Ever since Lana’s visit three days ago, I’ve been trying to figure out what to do with the information she gave me. I want to see Riley, to see how’s he doing, how’s he’s been. But part of me doesn’t want to see him because I’m not sure if I’m strong enough to handle the inevitable words that will be exchanged. I’d like to think that we’d be able to talk like the adults we are but after our last altercation, I’m not entirely sure that’s possible. I want to believe what Jen said about every time we’ve tried to talk, we’ve let our hurt and anger get in the way and that if we are both in a better place, it might be a more mature conversation.

  “Because I might have seen him and I might have talked to him,” she answers cautiously as she looks at her fingernails like she’s checking for fucked up cuticles or something.

  “You what?” I ask completely taken aback.

  “He’s miserable, Kels.” Her voice soft, Jen looks up at me apologetically.

  “How in one minute do you ask if I’m excited about my date with Lyle and in the next drop this fucking bomb on me?” I shake my head at her as I place my hands on my hips.

  “Look, forget I said anything.”

  “It’s already forgotten,” I answer sharply cutting her off.

  “I just thought you should know you haven’t been the only one destroyed by your break up.” Of course she gets the last word in before retreating back into the living room.

  I tilt my head up towards the ceiling and offer up a silent prayer that I don’t harm my best friend for putting her two cents in when it was completely unwarranted. As I make my way out into the living room, the doorbell rings. Butterflies take flight in my stomach at the thought that I’m actually going on a date.

  With a deep breath in, I answer the door with a smile on my face. “Hey.” My eyes scan up and down Lyle’s tall frame, drinking in every bit of the handsome man. In two-toned denim and a grey button up shirt with the top two buttons undone, he has his hair styled in such a way that it looks like he got out of the shower, ran his fingers through it, and called it a day. “You look nice,” I say in a way of appreciation.