If Only We Knew

by Ancelli

  He couldn’t take any more. He grabbed her and turned her around so she lay on her back, Being careful of her stomach and the life growing within, he put his hands on the sides of her head for support and thrust into her uncontrollably. She followed his lead.

  “I’m coming!” she yelled in ecstasy.

  The pulsing of her pussy took him over the edge. He released a loud groan, rolling off her. When he regained his focus, he saw she had tears in her eyes.

  “Did I hurt you?”

  She shook her head. “I don’t want to leave you.”

  Chapter Thirty-One

  Andrew looked up at his brother and laughed. “I can’t believe you shaved Matthew’s head, too.”

  “I’ll do anything for her,” he said, rubbing his baldhead. “My heart sank into my chest when I walked into the bathroom and saw her lying on the floor. I thought she was—”

  “Don’t say it. Shannon is a strong woman. She will beat this fucking cancer.” He got up and hugged Matt.

  Matt hugged him back. “I’m trying to be strong for her.” Matt cried. “If anything happens to her…”

  “I’m so sorry, Matt.”

  “Why her?” He pulled away, wiping his tears. “I finally have what I’ve always wanted, and it could be taken away at any moment.”

  “Matt, the surgery and treatments have worked so far. You need to think positively.”

  “We don’t know if they’re working. She won’t do anything that will hurt the baby.” He paused, thinking. “If she thinks the drugs are hurting the baby, she’s going to stop treatment, and I may lose her.”

  “That’s what you’re afraid of? It’s her body, Matt, but I know her. She won’t make any decisions without you.”

  “She already told me that if it’s between her and the baby, she is going to choose the baby.”

  “How do you feel about that?”

  “If I had to choose, I would choose her, but I can’t tell her that again. She’ll think I’m only thinking of my own needs. In the end, I’ll support any decision she makes. I love the baby, but I can’t imagine my life without her.” He sat behind his desk.

  “I understand where you’re coming from. You love her and had a future planned out, but things change. You of all people should know that, look at where you are and where you were.”

  Matt’s desk phone rang. He listened quietly for a minute before hanging up and shaking his head in disbelief. “I have to go. There is something wrong with the vault,” he said, walking toward the door.

  “I’m here whenever you need to talk.” Andrew got up and hugged him goodbye.

  ***

  Shannon went in for her second round of treatment. This time around, her mother accompanied her because Matt had an important meeting. He’d wanted to get out of it, but she wouldn’t let him. The nurse put the needle into her port and turned away.

  “Do you want a snack?” her mother said, pulling out a pack of cookies.

  Shannon smiled. “You just happen to have my favorite cookies in your purse?”

  Her mom opened the package. “You have a wonderful husband, and one day your father will see that.”

  She ate. “Mom, it doesn’t matter if he sees it or not. All that matters is that I see it. He has been so wonderful through all of this.”

  “I know. That man will move mountains for you.”

  “I could never ask for more.”

  “Your dad wanted me to tell you he loves you.”

  “He called me and apologized.” She finished the snack. “Do you have more?”

  Her mom laughed. “Matt knows you so well.”

  Shannon placed her hand on her stomach. “She moved.” She took her mother’s hand under hers and gently pushed down.

  “I felt it.” Her mom smiled.

  “Mom, now I understand what it means to be a mom, and I just want to say thank you for everything you’ve done for me. That’s why everything I do is for them.”

  ***

  Later that night

  “Did you feel her?” Shannon asked, holding Matt’s hand on her stomach.

  “Yes, I felt her tiny feet. A fist, maybe?” He smiled. “Your mom told me the chemo went well.”

  “Yes, I didn’t feel as bad as last time, thanks for the cookies.” She combed his hair with her fingers.

  He leaned over and kissed her cheek. “I wanted to be there.”

  “I know. How was your meeting?”

  “I really wasn’t paying attention. My mind was on you.” He rubbed her stomach.

  “You need to stop worrying about me.”

  “I will never stop worrying about you.” He paused. “Have you thought about a name?”

  “Umm, yes.” She smiled. “Micaela, which means ‘gift from God,’ or Mireille, which means ‘miracle.’ What do you think?”

  “I like Micaela, but what about Makayla?” He spelled it out for her. “Makayla Joy, after your mother.”

  She thought about it for a second. “I love it. Her name will be Makayla Joy.” She touched her stomach. “Good night, Makayla.” She turned over and turned off her lamp. “Good night.”

  “Good night.”

  ***

  Shannon leaped up from her sleep. The pain—from somewhere—was intense. “Matt.” She shook him. “Matt.” He rolled over, still sleeping. She turned on her lamp. “Matt!”

  “Yes, baby?” he asked, looking up at her.

  “I think I’m in labor.” She grabbed her stomach as another wave hit.

  Matt jumped out of bed and grabbed his clothes, getting dressed on autopilot. “I have to get Matthew ready real quick, and I’ll come get you, okay?”

  “Okay.”

  He ran to Matthew’s room and picked him up from his crib. He took him to the car and strapped him in, then ran upstairs and picked Shannon up, and after helping her into the car, he got into the driver’s seat, started the car, and drove off. He called the doctor’s office and said they were on their way to the hospital.

  “Everything is going to be all right,” he said, trying to be as calm as he was acting. Next he tried to call Andrew to pick Matthew up, and then Sherry, but no one answered. There was one more person he could try.

  She answered on the second ring. “Hello?”

  “Mother.”

  “Matt? What’s wrong?”

  “I’m sorry to bother you this late, but I’m on the way to Mercy Hospital, and I need you to come and get Matthew. Please,” he pleaded.

  “Son, you don’t have to ask. I’ll be there, and, son, I love you,” she said before hanging up.

  “I love you too,” he whispered back, knowing she wasn’t there anymore. He looked back and saw that Matthew was sleeping.

  “Matt, something is very wrong. It’s too soon.” Shannon touched her stomach.

  “We’re almost there.” Five minutes later, he pulled up to the ER. Parking in the front, he got out and unstrapped Matthew then ran around to help Shannon. “Can you get up and lean on me?” he asked, taking her hand.

  “Yes. Ouch,” she said, leaning her weight on him.

  He noticed she was in so much pain, and he put Matthew down. “Hold Daddy’s pants, okay?” he said, looking down at him. Matthew looked up, nodding his little head, and grabbed Matt’s pants. “Good boy.” He picked her up and slowly walked into the ER, making sure Matthew was still gripping on to him. He reached the counter, and the nurses rushed over to get her from him. They put her in a wheelchair and took her back. He picked up Matthew and explained to the nurses what had happened.

  Matt sat down with Matthew, “Mommy is going to be ok.” Tiene que estar bien, she has to be ok, he thought waiting for his mother to arrive. His mother rushed into the ER. Matt got up. “Is she okay?”

  “I’m not sure, but she think she’s in labor.”

  “Isn’t it too early?”

  “Yes, I think the cancer might be complicating things.” He handed Matthew over to her. “I’ll have someone come get him later.”


  “You’ll do no such thing. I can keep him until she leaves the hospital. I need to bond with him.” She kissed his forehead. “Please let me do this.”

  He bent down and kissed his son’s head. “Thank you, Mother.” He stared at her, giving her a kiss on the cheek, and then walked back to the ER.

  When he entered her room, she had tears in her eyes. She was hooked up to an IV and a baby heart monitor. The baby’s heartbeat was barely sounding.

  “Where’s Matthew?”

  “My mother came and got him.” He went over and rubbed her stomach, kissing it.

  “Don’t worry about him. He’ll be okay with your mom,” she said, watching the baby monitor. “If something happens to this baby, I won’t be able to forgive myself.”

  “If something happens, it wouldn’t be your fault.”

  She pulled her hand away. “Matt, if our baby dies, I know you’ll be hurt, but you’ll continue on thinking it was for the best. Not me. If she dies, a piece of me will die, too, because I will blame myself for putting my needs first.”

  “You didn’t put your needs first. You are fighting for the both of you.”

  “Am I?”

  Doctor Cooper came in and asked her questions. “The baby seems to be in a little distress. I’m not sure what’s causing it. I’m going to send you down to the lab and run some tests, and after I have the results, we’ll go from there.”

  ***

  When she came back from having the tests done, she fell asleep. Matt sat in the chair, observing at her. “I can’t do this without you,” he whispered. He bowed his head and prayed. “Dear Lord, please have mercy on my family…” He hoped his prayer would be heard, like it had been when his uncle was in the hospital.

  There was a knock on the door, and the doctor came in, walking over to Shannon’s bedside to check on her and the baby. She woke up.

  “We’re going to see your baby,” the doctor said, turning on the sonogram machine. He lifted her gown and applied the cold gel on her stomach. “Let’s see.” He moved the wand. “Look at her.”

  “She’s waving.” He said pointing at the monitor.

  “Yes, she is. She’s telling us she’s going to be fine.” She smiled with a tear rolling down her face.

  “My little girl is beautiful.” He beamed with excitement.

  The doctor turned off the machine and wiped her down. “Your baby is going to be okay, but you have to take better care of yourself. Mrs. Johnston, you’ve lost weight instead of gaining. I understand that chemo might be making you lose your appetite, but you need to make yourself eat.”

  There was a knock on the door. “Excuse me, Doctor. Here are the results.” The tech handed them to him and left.

  “What does it say?” Shannon asked, leaning up.

  “You have Pancytopenia.”

  “What is Pancy…?” Matt asked not being able to say it.

  “It means that her platelets, red and white blood cells are very low and your potassium level is, too.”

  “Is that because of the chemo?” Matt asked, staring at Shannon.

  “I’m sorry to say, but, yes, this can be a side effect from the chemo.” He watched them both.

  She sat up, looking at her IV. “No more.”

  The doctor and Matt looked at her, confused.

  “No more treatments, tests, or drugs. I’m done.”

  “Shannon, you need to get tested to make sure the cancer is gone and that the chemo worked to keep it from spreading, “ Matt said.

  “We will find out when she’s born. I’m not changing my mind. I’m done with this cancer shit. I’m going to live for today, for Matthew, and to give birth to a healthy, bouncy baby girl. Matt…” She said, trying to make him understand why she was making that choice. “I’m going to live to make new memories with you.” She kissed his hand. “This cancer is not going to win, at least not now.”

  His eyes were shiny. “We’ll make sure it never wins. I love you, and I’ll support your decision.” Even if I don’t agree.

  The doctor said, “If that’s your choice, I’m putting you on bed rest for the remainder of your pregnancy. I’ll call your oncologist and tell him you’re ending your treatment. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad about your decision. My wife made the same decision, and my son is healthy. I’ll check in on you later.”

  The doctor was almost out the door, when Matt spoke up. “Doctor Cooper, you said your son is healthy. What about your wife?”

  “She lost her battle with cancer, but she got to see three years of our son’s life.” He said with a smile on his face. “Every minute was a blessing, and a gift.” He turned and left.

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  One month later

  Shannon looked at her reflection in the mirror, noticing how beautifully her hair was growing back. She was feeling stronger with each passing day. Matt had gone back to work and would call her every hour, checking on her. The phone rang and she walked to her bed, sat and answered. “Stop calling. I’m okay. I’m getting the reports ready for Monday.”

  “Where’s Matthew?”

  “He’s right next to me sleeping. I’m stronger now. I can handle him.”

  “Just making sure he wasn’t abusing you.” He laughed. “I forgot to tell you, my mom is coming by to see you.”

  “I know; she called.”

  “I’ll see you soon. I love you,” he said, making a kissing sound.

  “I love you more.” She sounded a kiss through the phone as well and hung up.

  The doorbell rang, and Shannon walked out of the bedroom toward the front door. “Hi, Mrs. Phillips.”

  The woman pulled her into a hug, surprising her. “It’s Eileen to you.”

  Shannon moved to the side, letting her mother-in-law come in and closing the door behind her.

  “How are you feeling?”

  “I’m feeling much better, especially knowing she’s getting stronger.” She rubbed her stomach. “She’s moving more. Here, feel.” She took her hand and placed it on her stomach.

  Eileen smiled at her. “How much longer?”

  “Six weeks. Let’s have a sit.”

  “Shannon, I have to apologize one more time to you. You have been such an inspiration in my son’s life, and because of you, he’s learning to forgive me. He’s given me one more chance. I should have never let the things Karen told me make me pass judgment.”

  “It’s all in the past. This disease has shown me not to dwell in the past, so now I’m living like it’s my last day and not looking back. I forgive you, Eileen.”.

  “I understand what you’re going through because I’ve been through it.” She paused. “But I let the cancer live my life, instead of the other way around.”

  Shannon just stared at her. “I didn’t know.”

  “No one knows. I’m going to tell you some things I’ve never told Matt.” She said controlling her emotions. “I never stopped loving my sons. I met Javier when I was young, and we got married against my family’s wishes. They thought he was beneath our social status. We had the boys, and I loved them with everything in me, but I was used to a lifestyle that Javier couldn’t give me. He worked so many long hours, and I needed more. I met John Phillips and fell in love with his money and the life he offered me. The life I was used to. Javier found out I was cheating and asked me to stop, but I couldn’t, or wouldn’t. I divorced him and gave him custody of the boys because he told me I could see them anytime I wanted. At first I was there every weekend until I found out I had lung cancer. That’s when everything went downhill with the boys. I was tired all the time. When they came over, they didn’t feel wanted. John left me, saying he hadn’t signed up for that. The cancer got so bad that the doctors thought I had a short time to live, and that’s when I decided to die alone. I didn’t want them to see me in the state I was in. I stopped picking them up, and I cut all communication with them, and Javier. When I went into remission, I tried to contact them, but it was too late. They hated me.

 
“Eileen, they don’t hate you. They just wanted your love. I think you need to tell them the truth.”

  “It doesn’t matter now. I’ve made a lot of mistakes. I’ve learned to live with it and love them from afar.” She released Shannon’s hand so she could wipe her falling tears.

  “It will matter to Matt and Andrew. That will change everything. They think you didn’t love them, that once you were remarried, you didn’t want them anymore.”

  “I love those boys more than my life.”

  ***

  “I’m going to tell you something I’ve never told Matt.”

  Matt, who’d been about to call out and say hello, froze. He listened, barely breathing, as his mother shared her story with Sha nnon ron . He felt bad for eavesdropping on their conversation, but his need to hear, to know the truth, took over.

  “Daddy!” Matthew ran up to him.

  Both women looked up at him in surprise.

  “Hi, kiddo,” he said, picking him up.

  “How much did you hear?” his mother asked.

  “Enough to know that I love you too, Mother.” He pulled her into a tight hug.

  She stood up and hugged him. “Oh God, son, I love you.”

  ***

  Matt called his brother telling him what he’d overheard. Andrew let him know, that he was on his way to have dinner with her.

  He laid his head on Shannon’s stomach. “Hey, little Mamita, I can’t wait to see you and hold you.” He kissed her belly. “Mi princesa.”

  Shannon played with his hair. “Are you okay?”

  He leaned up. “Yes, I can finally say I’m great, and it’s all because of you.” He kissed her lips. “If it wasn’t for my mother trusting you, I wouldn’t have known what really happened.”

  “She left because she loved you. In her mind, she was doing the right thing. She didn’t want you to see her die. I can understand, because I’m going through the same thing. The only difference is I’ve chosen a different route. If and when I die, I want to die around the people I love.”