If Only We Knew

by Ancelli

  “They have a child together. Who are we to judge them?” her mother said, also raising her voice and placing Matthew on the floor.

  Mr. Jones yelled, “Shannon, you’re living in sin!”

  “I invited you here tonight to tell you we got married!” Shannon shouted.

  Her father’s face turned from mad to furious. “You married this piece of shit?”

  “Patrick, watch your mouth around our grandson. She just told you she’s no longer living in sin. Now what’s the problem? Matt is a wonderful man and father, and I’m proud to have him as my son-in-law.”

  “He is not good enough for you. You’re a disappointment.” He frowned at Shannon.

  “Sir, I’m really trying not to disrespect you, but you’re pushing my limits. Don’t you come in our house and disrespect my wife.” Matt raised his voice, too.

  “This is not your house,” Mr. Jones, said looking at Matt.

  “Matt,” Shannon whispered

  “You’re a disgrace to our family.”

  “Why? Because I’m white?” Matt stared at him with anger in his eyes.

  “Matt,” Shannon whispered again.

  Matt turned just in time to grab her. “Baby, I got you,” he said, picking her up and laying her on the sofa. “I’m going to take you to the hospital.”

  “No. I’m fine,” Shannon whispered.

  “What’s wrong, Shannon?” Mrs. Joy asked, concerned, walking over to her.

  “Nothing is wrong with your daughter, she’s just trying to get our sympathy,” Mr. Jones said, looking at his wife. “Stop the damn show!” he yelled, looking at Shannon.

  Matt turned around in anger. “Get the fuck out of my house!”

  “Matt?” Mrs. Joy looked at him in shock.

  “Mrs. Joy, I’m sorry,” he said with tears running down his cheeks. Lowering his head, he said, “Shannon has cancer.”

  Mrs. Joy gasped, covering her mouth with her hand. “Oh God no.” She cried.

  “Mom, I’m okay,” she said, kissing her mom’s hand weakly.

  Her dad stood there in shock.

  “Why didn’t you tell me?” Mrs. Joy asked, looking at Shannon.

  “I didn’t want to worry you.”

  “Mom, can you please stay with Matthew until we come back?” he asked, helping Shannon off the sofa. “She’ll be okay. I just need to take her in. She’s never passed out before.” He looked over at her dad. “Don’t be here when we get back.” They walked out the door.

  ***

  In the ER, she lay in the bed waiting for test results. “I’m feeling better,” she said, facing Matt, trying to smile.

  He placed his hand on hers leaning down and kissed it. “Forgive me for the way I spoke to your father.”

  “I understand why you did it. You were scared. My dad was being disrespectful. He had no right to talk to you or me like that.”

  The doctor on duty came into her room. “I have the results of one of your tests.”

  “Did the cancer cause her to faint?” Matt asked.

  “No, you’re pregnant.” The doctor looked over at both them.

  “I’m pregnant?” she asked in shock. “But the cancer….”

  Matt was speechless. They’d never even discussed having another baby.

  “Your oncologist is on his way. He will explain your options.” He left the room.

  “Oh my God, I’m pregnant.” She rubbed her stomach. “Matt, say something.”

  “I don’t know what to say, Shannon. I didn’t expect this.”

  “You didn’t expect Matthew, but you were happy. You don’t want the baby?” She released his hand.

  “I want our baby, Shannon.” He avoided her eyes, clenching his jaw, thinking of a way to say it. “But if it’s between you and an unborn child, I choose you.”

  Doctor Wilson walked in with her file in his hand. “Congratulations,” he said still looking at the documents. “This complicates things, but we can still treat the cancer if you choose to keep the baby.”

  She leaned up. “I’m having this baby. There is no question about it,” she said, looking over at Matt. “I’m not having the surgery.”

  “What?” Matt stared at her, with hurt in his eyes. “You need that surgery.”

  “Not if it’s going to hurt my baby.”

  The doctor explained that some cancer treatments were safe during pregnancy. He would begin the chemotherapy treatment after her first trimester. “You can still have the surgery.”

  “Is it completely safe?” she asked

  “Nothing is completely safe, but in the recent studies, babies are not affected by your treatment when done after the first trimester. I would be working with your OB/GYN. Think about it and let me know your answer.” The doctor left the room after letting Matt know he could take her home.

  “I’m having the surgery and then the chemotherapy, but if I see it’s affecting our baby’s health, I’m going to stop.”

  “Shannon, I just want you to be okay. I’m nothing without you.””

  “Yes, you are.”

  “Maybe before, but not now that I’ve had you.”

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  Shannon was fifteen weeks pregnant when the doctor decided it was okay to perform the surgery to remove the lump and some tissue surrounding the area. She was scheduled to commence chemotherapy a month later.

  She woke up hearing a rhythmic, strong thump-thump. Matt caressed her arm. “You hear that? That’s our baby’s heartbeat.” He smiled.

  “That’s music to my ears,” she whispered.

  “Our baby is healthy.” He kissed her forehead.

  The doctor came in to check her bandage. “Mr. Johnston I’m going to show you how to change her bandage?” The doctor said removing it.

  “Ok.” Matt moved closer and observed what the doctor was doing.

  He explained to Matt step by step. “Her stitches will eventually dissolve.”

  “How long will it take to dissolve?” He asked.

  “It can take from one to two weeks.” The doctor said sealing her bandage.

  He explained the medication and the side effects of the surgery. “You can take her home today.”

  ***

  Seven weeks later

  The scar on Shannon’s breast was healing well after the surgery. She and Matt sat in the OB/GYN office waiting to be called for their five-month checkup.

  “Mrs. Johnston?” sang the hyper-efficient receptionist, offering her a gown to change into.

  She turned and looked at Matt. “Are you excited? We get to see the baby for the first time.”

  “I can’t wait.” He leaned down and kissed her forehead.

  Doctor Luke Cooper and a nurse entered the room. The nurse walked up to Shannon and pulled up her gown to her breasts and applied the gel to her stomach. The doctor placed the wand over her stomach and searched for the baby’s heartbeat.

  Shannon’s nervous voice broke the silence. “Is something wrong?”

  Matt just stared at the doctor. He was about to say something when the baby’s heartbeat sounded off, and he took a deep breath.

  “Nothing wrong.” The doctor moved the wand around and pointed out the baby’s toes and fingers. “Your baby is fine.”

  Matt looked at the screen in awe. “The baby is sucking its thumb.” He’d been so afraid when he didn’t hear the heartbeat, thinking the worst, knowing she wouldn’t be able to bear that loss.

  Shannon watched the screen. “Thank God,” she said, kissing his hand. “Doctor, can you tell us what we are having?”

  “Let’s see,” he said, trying to make the baby move with the pressure from the wand.

  Matt looked down at her. “You want to know?” he asked, a bit surprised.

  “Yes. I’m not promised tomorrow, but I’m here today.” She stared at him. “I would like to know what I’m having just in case the worst happens.”

  “The worst won’t happen.”

  The doctor smiled. “You’re hav
ing a….” They just stared at him, waiting for him to say, but the doctor just laughed.

  “What’s so funny, Doctor?” Shannon asked.

  “The look on your faces. You’re having a girl.”

  “We’re having a little girl,” she said, getting excited.

  It was hard for him to be happy when she was putting her life in jeopardy. But he also loved his baby and couldn’t wait to see her. It was a bittersweet situation.

  The doctor stepped away so the nurse could wipe her up. “I spoke to your oncologist, and since you’re past your first trimester, we think you can start with the chemo right away.”

  “It won’t hurt the baby?” she asked.

  “I’ve treated cancer patients before, and their babies were born healthy, but it’s up to you.” The doctor left the room so they could discuss what they were going to do.

  Shannon was getting dressed when Matt gripped her arm. “You heard the doctor. She will be okay, you need this. Think about Matthew.”

  “Matt, I’ll start chemo, but if, at any moment I think it’s hurting our daughter, I’m stopping it.” She continued getting dressed.

  “I’ll meet you outside.” He said going out the door, up to the counter and asked for pictures of the sonogram, and then he walked into the doctor’s office. “Are you sure it’s safe for both of them?”

  The doctor asked him to sit down and explained the studies, his experience, and the side effects of chemo. Matt left feeling much better.

  “Look at how beautiful she already is.” She looked at the picture.

  “She is.” They headed out the office.

  ***

  The doctor explained they would be doing four rounds of treatment over twelve weeks. The credit union let her work part time, and if she didn’t feel well, she could work from home.

  Shannon went in for her first round of chemo with Matt right by her side, never letting go of her hand while she sat in the chair with the needle in her arm as the nurse administered the drug into her system.

  “Mamita, are you okay?” Matt touched her cheek.

  “No, Matt, I’m not okay. I’m putting poison in my body.” She wiped her tears.

  He cupped her face. “I want you to live.”

  She broke down crying. “I don’t want to die.”

  He leaned in and kissed her on the lips. “You’re not going to die.”

  She finished chemo that day and went home feeling tired. Her muscles hurt, and she had no desire to eat.

  Mrs. Joy and Sherry brought Matthew into the house. He ran to Shannon, lifting his hands for her to pick him up. “Ma-ma.”

  But she was too weak to pick him up. She didn’t have the strength to play with him.

  He looked up at her and cried for her to hold. “Ma-ma…”

  Matt grabbed him. “Matthew, Mama doesn’t feel good. Let’s go play.” He glared at Sherry and her mom as he took the boy back to his room.

  Mrs. Joy walked over to her, feeling her forehead and kissing her. “Baby, how do you feel? Is there anything I can do?”

  “I don’t want to do it again, Mom,” she said crying. “I feel like I’m sleepwalking. I can’t even play with my son.”

  “Shannon, we want what’s best for you.” Sherry sat next to her. “You can have other babies.”

  “Sherry, I know I said I never wanted kids, but now that I have one, I can’t imagine my life without him. I love him unconditionally, and I’m not going to take my daughter’s life out of selfishness.”

  “Baby, I support anything you do. I can keep Matthew when you get your treatments.”

  “Thank you, Mom.”

  Chapter Thirty

  Two weeks later, she was home alone in the bathroom taking a shower, washing her hair, when she opened her eyes and noticed hair in her hands and on the floor. She combed her hand through her hair again, and more strands came out. She ran out the shower and looked in the mirror. “Oh God, my hair.” She screamed and cried—entire patches of hair were missing. Grabbing the towel, she wrapped it around her body and sat on the floor, hugging her knees.

  ***

  Matt called Andrew, asking him to get Matthew from Mrs. Joy. He would be over to pick him up later. He needed some time alone with his wife. He entered the house looking for her, he went into their room and called her, but she didn’t answer. He strode into the kitchen, the dining room, and Matthew’s room, but he couldn’t find her. Looping back to their room, he entered the bathroom.

  She was balled up in a fetal position on the floor with hair all around her. Oh God no. “Mamita, I’m here, I’m here.”

  He got down on his knees and hurriedly put her in his arms. She opened her eyes. “My hair, Matt,” she said, leaning up. “Look at me.”

  He hadn’t noticed he was holding his breath until she spoke. He cupped her face. “I’m looking at you, and you know what I see?”

  She looked at him with her red, swollen eyes.

  “I see a beautiful woman inside and out. I love you with hair or without.” He leaned forward and kissed her lips, holding her, never letting her go.

  “Shave off what’s left of my hair,” she whispered.

  “Are you sure?”

  “Yes. I’m not going to let this thing beat me,” she said, wiping her tears with the back of her hand.

  “That’s my girl.” He stood and searched for his electric razor. He turned and asked her one more time. “You sure?”

  He helped her up and she sat on the toilet. “Yes.”

  He placed the razor to her head and began working it over the top and sides. She gasped every time her hair fell to the ground. When he was finished, he turned off the razor and kissed her on her newly bald scalp. “You have the most beautiful round head.”

  She looked up at him and laughed. “Really?” She got up and looked at her reflection in the mirror. “Not that bad,” she said, touching her head.

  He leaned down and hugged her, looking at their reflections in the mirror. “You’re beautiful.”

  She smiled. “You always make me feel special.”

  He turned her around to face him. “I love you.”

  “Every day that passes I love you more.” On her tiptoes, she kissed him.

  He walked her over to the bed and helped her get dressed, and then he cleaned up the bathroom. “I have to go pick up Matthew. Are you going to be okay?”

  “Yes, thanks to you.”

  ***

  Matt and Matthew entered the house with food in their hands. “Let’s go say hi to Mommy.” Matthew followed him into the bedroom.

  Shannon was in the bed watching TV when they entered. At first, he saw the shock in her eyes. They became wider, and then she laughed. “What did you do?”

  He touched Matthew’s, then his own, baldhead. “What, this?” He rubbed their heads. “We wanted to match you.”

  “You cut off Matthew’s beautiful curls.” She laughed some more, walking over to feel his head.

  “It will grow back, just like yours.” She went over to Matt, getting up on her tiptoes, and gently kissed his lips.

  “Thank you.” She picked Matthew up and kissed him. “You’re still handsome, just like your daddy.” She went back to bed.

  “Yes, dinner in bed,” Matt said, going out to get the food. He returned and sat on the edge of the bed. “I love you, Mamita.”

  “Papi, I love you.”

  They ate and watched TV together until Matthew fell asleep. Matt picked him up and carried him to his room. He returned and took a shower. When he stepped out of the shower, Shannon had a silk scarf around her head, with nothing else on.

  “It’s been too long,” she said, getting on all fours.

  His cock jumped at the vision before him. “Mamita.”

  She crawled forward. “I’m feeling much better. You won’t hurt me, I know you want me just as much as I want you,” she said, staring at his erection. She crooked her finger. “Come here.”

  Matt strolled over to the bed, and she lea
ned up and began giving him wet kisses, beginning at his stomach then stopping at his nipples, licking one while rubbing and pinching the other.

  “Damn, mami.”

  She nibbled and sucked on his neck and smiled. “Remember the love marks?” she asked with a devious smile.

  He moaned. “Go ahead, mark me. I belong to you.” He leaned down, devouring her mouth, kissing her deeply, making love to her mouth, tasting every corner. He leaned her back and moved on top of her. Pulling away from the kiss, he nibbled on her neck until goose bumps lifted along her arms. “You like that,” he whispered, feeling her juices leaking from her pussy onto his leg.

  “Yes, yes I do,” she moaned back.

  He gently rubbed her nipples between his fingers then took her right nipple in his mouth. He kissed the scar on her left breast, and then he kissed down her stomach to her navel. “I love you, baby girl.” He kept going down and opened her legs, licking her inner thighs. Then he parted her labia with his tongue and gently licked her swollen nub.

  “Oh God, I’m coming.” She moaned, releasing on his tongue.

  “I didn’t even start.”

  She leaned up and pulled him up. “Lie on your back.” He did as told.

  She climbed on top of him, grabbed his cock, and came down gently, making them both gasp.

  “Mamita, you’re so wet.” He slowly thrust into her.

  “I’m horny,” she laughed. “It’s been too long.” She groaned, moving in sync with him.

  He entwined their hands. “I can’t live without you,” he said with a tear rolling down his cheek. She just gazed at him as though she could see into his soul. She rolled her hips up and down, taking control. He felt her pussy squeeze his cock.

  She shook. “Don’t hold back,” she said, grinding on him.

  He let go of her hand, grabbed her hips, and thrust into her. “Mamita, I don’t want to hurt you.”

  “You won’t,” she said, taking all of his rigid cock.