Colour My Ugly

by A. Giannoccaro

  It’s me who moves first after what feels like an eternity, I wipe my tears away with my hands and turn to Rowan for the second time today his cheeks have tears on them. I reach up and wipe his with my thumbs then I kiss him softly before is whisper on his lips. “I am ready to love all of you now Rowan.” As soon as my words leave my mouth Rowan kisses me back hard and full of passion and all the feelings I know he so desperately wants to say but doesn’t know how to yet.

  We kiss each other right there on the couch like teenagers, our hands touching and feeling and discovering one another as we get to know this new side of ourselves. I can feel Rowan getting hard in his shorts under me and I am sort of proud that it’s me doing that to him. In the same moment I am afraid because I know in my heart I am not ready for sex yet, not yet I cannot separate the act from what it meant in my past. For me sex and rape is still one and the same thing I cannot separate the two. I pull away from Rowan, I have to tell him before we get carried away any further and he expects that from me. “I’m not, I can’t, and I am not ready to have sex yet Rowan. I don’t know when or if I will be and I need you to be fine with that before we carry on here I need you to know that’s not happening here today.” I manage to stumble over to words. My heart pounding nervously I know Rowan likes sex I have heard it many times. That thought makes me jealous and I want to push it away. What if he needs sex more than he loves me?

  “You are driving Lauri; we will get there when you are ready. I want more than anything to show you, you teach you how beautiful and passionate and amazing sex can be but I will let you be the one to say when that happens. For right now I am quite happy making out like a teenager on my couch. I need to learn to love you first.” His words are soft and there is no sign of Rowan the heartless killer in the room now.

  We make out a little longer before I ask if he wants dinner, it’s long since dark outside and I am pretty sure he hasn’t eaten since breakfast. He reluctantly lets me go so I can make us something to eat. We settle on tomato soup and grilled cheese and start preparing the food and he sits opposite me at the kitchen island. His eyes following my every movement I feel him watching me work.

  “So tell about this restaurant idea of yours?” Rowan surprises me by asking while I puree the tomatoes for the soup. He remembered that I asked him.

  “I have this crazy idea to turn the old barn down at the vineyard into a lunch café that we could open over the weekends and offer lunch to the wine tasting crowds like some of the other estates do. Nothing big just simple rustic fresh lunches. It’s just an idea.” I know my voice gets and excited squeal to it as I tell him about what I plan to do. I am going to do it and soon.

  “It’s a great idea, have you spoken to any of the estate staff about it? I think you should do it. I will help where I can. You know cooking isn’t my best talent.” We both laugh at his statement. Or understatement, Rowan cannot cook. We talk more about my idea while I cook and while we eat dinner together. There is something comfortable between us tonight. Like now that we have said what we feel we can both breathe when in the same room we are not holding back things that we didn’t even realise were there at all. Although Rowan still takes my breath away every time I see him, I might never breathe right with him around. He catches me yawning as I put our plates into the dishwasher. I didn’t get much sleep last night and today was emotionally exhausting. I can feel my body is ready for bed already. “You’re tired it’s been a long day I think.” Rowan says to me as we finish cleaning the kitchen together we move around the space so comfortably together.

  “Hmm, I didn’t sleep much last night either. I could use a shower and my bed right now.” I answer him stifling another yawn. “Go shower I will close up the house for us.” He says smacking my ass playfully with a drying cloth as I walk past him. I like this Rowan, the happy one in my kitchen right now. I take off my apron and head down to my room and a much needed shower after the tears and wind and stress of today I am afraid to see what I look like right now.

  I turn the water on to get hot while I undress myself in the bathroom. The steam has filled the whole room by the time I get in and it feels so good to wash away the heaviness of the day. I am in the shower for what seems like ages before I get out and wrap a towel around myself. I usually take my clothes in with me but I forgot tonight. As I walk into my room I am met by the sight of Rowan asleep in my bed. Not what I was expecting at all. I am not sure what I was expecting but that is not it. His shirt is off and I just know that he is in his boxer briefs under my duvet. God he is a walking talking wet dream and he is in my bed asleep. Not sure what to do, I slip on a tank top and my undies, same as I do every night I flick the lights off and slither into my side of the bed. This is strange and I feel somewhat panicky over it. I have never had anyone sleep in my bed with me. Not even Renzo he would never sleep in the same bed as me. I am petrified of sleeping in the same room, never mind bed as another person, especially Rowan.

  I close my eyes and try to get my breathing to even out as the fear creeps back up. Just as I think I may actually have a full blown panic attack Rowan reaches over me and pulls me against his body. He kisses my head and whispers on the exposed skin of my shoulder “Goodnight Lauri, I love you.” Before I can answer him he is asleep again. Being closer to him seems to calm my panic and not make it worse like I thought it would and sleep overtakes me quickly.

  I wake up hot and the sun is steaming in the windows onto my bed blinding me. I am not a morning person today. I roll over and connect with Rowan’s very warm body. Then I see he is awake and he has been watching me sleep. That’s just creepy. Very creepy. I frown at him wondering what the hell he was thinking. He has more than a little morning stubble on his face and I want to touch it. I pull the covers up feeling a little exposed and then I do reach over and run my had along his jaw. He is smiling his cocky half smile at me. I have never actually woken up next to anyone before, I kind of like it, but it is also weird and uncomfortable. Rowan kisses me softly before his phone starts to buzz next to the bed.

  ROWAN

  She wept and he swore he felt the water in his bones. He then thought to himself: “Maybe, just maybe we have become each other inside out.”

  ~Christopher Poindexter

  I woke up this morning in Lauri’s bed; she was still asleep in my arms I was too afraid to move in case I woke her so I just lay there and watched her sleep. I know it’s creepy, in fact I felt totally creepy doing it. Watching someone I am not about to kill sleeping is just strange and stalkerish.

  The fresh tattoo on my side is hurting lying like this but I still don’t move. I haven’t actually gone to bed with and woken up with anyone since Cassie and even then we never really cuddled or held each other like this. I am in a whole new territory here. She felt so right sleeping next to me her small body just fits with mine. Her ass is resting against my cock and my morning wood is loving it. I will have to move soon and go take care of that before she thinks I am trying to force the sex issue. I am not sure how I am going to wait for her because my body reacted to her every move before I could touch her it’s only going to be worse now that I can.

  I feel her waking up; oh thank God I can move. She pulls the covers up trying to cover her clothed body even more, hiding it from me. Then she runs her hand over my jaw. My dick reacts instantly and I am rock hard hidden only by the covers. I lean over and kiss her sexy mouth the soft groan that escapes her almost has me coming undone in my pants. Saved by my phone I hear the alert that a work message has come in and just like that reality bursts our little bubble.

  I know that she knows that’s my work alert and I can see the almost disappointment in her eyes as I break our kiss. I press one softer kiss to her lips before I let her go. “I have to take that, I have to work today. I’m sorry.”

  She forces a smile onto her face and I know she will battle this for a long time and she may never accept it I think she is battling harder with the fact
that she does accept what I do and that is wrong. “It’s OK, don’t be sorry Rowan, I will be here when you get back. I promise. But right now I am going back to sleep please close the curtains when you get up.”

  I roll myself out of the bed. The situation in my boxers cannot be hidden at all right now. I try to discreetly adjust myself before I go to her side of the bed to close the curtains. As I turn to head to the shower I catch her looking, her bottom lip caught in her teeth and her eyes fixed on my Calvin Klein boxer briefs. I smile and carry on walking I don’t want to make her uncomfortable. Well not yet. I know that she has never had a pleasant sexual experience and I want it to be right when she does I want her to be comfortable with me, with us. I need her to trust me completely first. She has to want it.

  The last thing I feel like right now is working; I want to crawl back into bed next to her and touch her and hold her. Fuck I am not helping myself here. I turn on the shower to get hot while I look for some work clothes in my drawers. I toss a pair of Levi’s and a T shirt on my bed and head back to the steamy bathroom. I instantly wish she was in the shower with me I miss being close to her already, how am I going to survive today. This whole feeling thing is so new to me I am like a toddler with a new toy. I have no intention of letting her go now that she is mine. I close my eyes and imagine what it would be like to have her in the shower with me her petite curves and the bright colours of her tattoo. I don’t dare imagine the things I want to do to that body. I want to show her the pleasures of being touched by the right hands. I want my mouth on every inch of her. Before I even realize what I am doing I am fisting my cock at the mere thought of making love to Lauri. I throw my head back as I release. Holy shit if I can come like that just thinking of her I can only imagine what it will feel like to actually be inside her. I rest my head against the shower wall, how am I going to work today?

  I force myself to get out of the shower and shave. As I wipe the steam off the mirror so I can see what I am doing I see the reflection of my eyes and all I see in them is every single number on my chest. I don’t understand how I can love her and still be me. I will still be a killer, a murderer and bad man. Loving Lauri won’t take that away. I shake my head trying to rid myself of the thoughts creeping in and instead focus on today’s job. It’s not a hard job today, a simple house breaking gone wrong to take care of a mouthy demanding mistress who is about to roll over and tattle to my clients very rich wife. I am not sure why people insist on wanting to tell why it is they what their victims dead. I really don’t care for me it’s a job I couldn’t give two shits who it is I am going to kill and why.

  I make myself get dressed; I don’t dress up for jobs like this I need to look like any other guy on the street so jeans a t shirt and loafers are all I require. Oh and gloves. My work bag is packed and ready to go as it always is in my office. I sneak a look in at Lauri before I leave she has gone back to sleep and her body is draped over the pale green duvet as the morning sun warms her even through the curtains the bright colours on her skin stand out and make it hard for me to turn away. I want to go in there and touch the skin that lies there exposed to me in nothing but a tank top and her boy leg undies my poor cock is ready to go again. I better get out of here. I should be home later this afternoon all going to plan I can spend some time with her then. I pull the door closed a little and bolt through the office to my car.

  I turn my iPod on as soon as I pull out of the estate; music has a way of getting me in the right frame of mind to do a job. As Imagine Dragon’s blasts through the speakers I start to focus on the job I have to do. The drive passes quickly and I park my car in the dirty underground parking of the shopping centre adjacent to the block of flats where “mouthy mistress” awaits her fate. I slip my gun into my belt and pull my T shirt over it. A small back pack containing my gloves and the essentials I need to gain access and make this look like a robbery is all I take with me.

  Before I actually break in, I knock, actually breaking and entering is hard work if she opens the door I will be saved the effort. Well, what do you know mouthy and stupid she just opens the door for me, I’m guessing I am not the man she was expecting but I will take her “Come in sexy” and I walk right in and close the door before she notices that I am not who she was expecting and I see the fear and panic on her face. Strangely she doesn’t scream or run just freezes in absolute fear right where she is. This is your funeral you should have worn more clothes, is all I can think as I aim the gun at her lingerie clad body and shoot one silenced shot right between her eyes, I don’t want or need her to suffer. I make quick work of her safe and make sure to take her phone, laptop and iPad before I leave again closing the door behind me. So simple. I dump her belongings in a bin near where I parked my car and then leave. It will in all honesty take days before anyone finds her; there is no CCTV anywhere the cameras get stolen faster than they can put them up so no one bothers. I am pretty sure some low life walking through will find her things and take them long before then.

  I get a sick satisfaction from my job. I know what I do is wrong and that a life shouldn’t be so easy to take but I enjoy doing it anyway. I was broken way too young to fix the way I view death. Mick raised me to separate my job and anything else, to be the nice guy people want to see in the light and a ruthless killer with no heart when they are not looking. Everyone has two faces I just wear mine better than most.

  I decide in the aftermath of my latest victim to stop by Callum’s office on my way home; it’s always good to have some sort of alibi, not that I would need it. So far I have yet to meet a police officer in this shit-hole; I have never been a suspect in a crime or even been to the police station. I am invisible to them here, simply because I am better than them. They have no resources and the crime outweighs the number of cops by too much for them to even try and keep up.

  Callum’s latest secretary lets me through, he seems to go through them like loo paper these days, and he cannot have a secretary and not bang her he says. I think he should hire a gay man he would have less labour disputes and get more work done. He is on the phone when I open his door so I sit myself in a chair and put my feet on his desk.

  He hangs up and shoves my feet down as he walks around the desk to sit next to me. “You have blood on your shoes Rowan; get them off my desk! Good God man that’s revolting.” In truth I never even noticed the splatter of blood on my shoes until he said so. I should have changed in the car. He pours us each a scotch and after he gulps some of the amber liquid down he turns to me putting his feet on the desk cocky, asshole today. A silly smirk spreads across his hairy face; he needs a shave his beard is getting as bad as his hair. “So Lauri came to see me yesterday.” He says his tone poking fun at me. “She did?” I reply a hint of sarcasm in my voice. “Rowan, spill it you idiot what happened when she got home? I know all the mushy shit from her you can tell me the good bits.” The good bits, so that’s where his mind goes to, the gutter.

  “There are no good bits Callum you dick, she isn’t ready for that. You know she has only ever been raped right; sex and being beaten half to death have always gone hand in hand so no there are no good bits…….yet.”

  “But I do love her, I mean really love her. And she loves me too, I am not so sure she loves all of me but she says she does. I kissed her and it turned my heart into a raging fire that I don’t think can be put out ever. Then I slept with her.” Callum cocks an eyebrow at me; I can see where he thinks this went. “Just sleep you pervert. Then I had to work and our little bubble was popped.”

  A smile spreads across Callum’s face and those evil green eyes have a light in them that I only see when he is up to something fun or forbidden. Callum is my rock, my sounding board and above all he is brutally honest with me, always. “Rowan, you have loved that woman since she was a flirty little fifteen year old girl in the airport and you had to babysit her. You just never knew what love was until she moved into your house and was under your nose all the time. DO
NOT break her Rowan. She is different for you. Love is new for both of you just be careful. That’s all my friend be careful she told me that you have the power to hurt her more than anyone because she loves you.”

  His words slice into my heart, I never thought of the power I had over her only how much power she has over me. “I can’t change who or what I am Callum. I am afraid I will lose her because of it.” I spill my heart out to my friend while drinking his expensive scotch. “No Rowan, she loves you because of it. If you love her back she won’t leave. You and I both know you will never let her leave even if she wants to.”

  “Cal, did she tell you about the babies?” His scrunched brow and confused glare tells me she didn’t, He shakes his head and rubs his hands over his beard. “She said she still had secrets and I told her to tell you, so I am guessing that’s what she did.”

  I wonder whether or not to share this with Callum but in truth it kept me up in the night and I am boiling over with anger the lengths Renzo went to hurt her both physically and mentally. Callum is the only person I can let that kind of steam off to.

  “He would get her pregnant then her let her fall in love with her baby, then he brought in a doctor and made her watch as they performed an abortion and killed her child. Not just once Callum, but six times. He did that six times. The last time she was too far along for a regular abortion so she actually had to deliver her dead baby. Then he would lock her in a walk in safe for days and beat her before he let her go. I am not sure what kind of a monster he is Callum but I am having a very hard time keeping promise not to kill him right now.” I feel the bile rising in my throat as I retell the story she poured out to me last night. For some reason children are scared to me, I never kill kids or pregnant ladies it’s just not right, not even I am that cold.