Colour My Ugly

by A. Giannoccaro

  Callum is pale when I look around; I have only ever seen him with that look twice in my life, the day he killed someone and the day Cassie died. He doesn’t think I know, but I know that he loved Cassie, that he was crazy jealous of her love for me. Her family would have loved for it to be him with their daughter; I was from the wrong crime family, the dead one. He doesn’t say a word just shakes his head and pours more scotch. “Lorenzo Baldini needs to have an accident Rowan.” It’s very clear that Lorenzo Baldini needs to die but I swore I wouldn’t kill him.

  LAURI

  “You can close your eyes to things you don’t want to see, but you can’t close your heart to the things you don’t want to feel.”

  ~Johnny Depp

  I am lying on my side looking out my bedroom window over the vineyards, its autumn and the leaves in the valley are changing colour oranges and yellows burn brightly in the sunlight. Rowan is lying behind me I have come to love this quiet time every morning over the last two months. Our lives have become hectic with the opening of my restaurant only a week away and our new found need to be with each other every second that we can. I cannot begin to put my feelings into words yet but I know that my heart has not lead me wrong. Without a doubt Rowan is the one man I love and even though my head has a hard time reconciling the lover and the murderer, my heart has no such problem. Then there is the undeniable physical pull between us, I used to have a crippling fear of being touched and before the fingers that are now tracing a line down my side softly inching over my exposed skin would have caused a panic attack. Rowan’s touch however ignites a flame in me; I see the flame in his eyes too. I am convinced what I feel is lust but I have never felt it before and I am not sure what to do with it. The sexual tension between us is so strong you could touch it. I want so desperately to let Rowan show me how to be loved and to love him physically but that fear, that fear is still all too real. I know I need to have a sex talk with someone, and soon, but it is a little hard to explain in your thirties that all you know about sex is the contents of a few smutty books you have read and the years of rape at the hand of your husband. Rowan reaches his arm around me and pulls me a little closer so he can slip a hand under my tank top and kiss my neck and ear. I feel the goose bumps spread over my body and I shudder. It’s not a scared shudder anymore it’s more of an I really like that shudder and I wiggle back against his chest trying to get even closer. His body feels warm and safe and God oh so fucking sexy.

  I roll over in his arms so I can run my hands up his chest, the ridges of every muscle under my hands how can he feel so hard and so soft at the same time? I kiss him right at the spot on his breastbone where the number heart starts and he groans at my touch I can feel it rumble in his chest under my lips. I like that my lips have the power to illicit such a reaction from him among the other reactions I have noticed. The poor man has an almost permanent hard on these days. I want to touch it sometimes; I almost have a few times but fear of where that touch might lead stops me every time. I nuzzle my face into his neck and his morning stubble scratches my skin sending tingles all over. I plant soft kisses in his neck before I pull his mouth to mine, this time it’s my moan that can be both felt and heard. Rowan’s hand brush over my tank top and brush against my breasts, I know he is trying to control his touches and when things get heated I can feel him wind up tighter than a spring. This morning I am ready to start letting go a little and I take my hand from where it rests in his hair and I move it to his hand guiding it under my shirt and to my breasts. I look up to see his eyes shoot open and his confusion is written all over them before he can get the strangled whisper out. “Are you sure? Is this OK?” I just nod and pull him to kiss me again his hands are now moving over my skin and I need the kiss to keep the calm. I feel his hands, warm and a little rough as they move over the lumps and ridges of the scars that lie beneath the pictures. I know he has seen me without my clothes but still the feeling of his hands on such an intimate part of my skin has me trembling and fighting to breath. As he brushes a thumb over my nipple I gasp into his mouth and he pulls away and just stares into my eyes, continuing his slow exploration of my body. He needs to look into my eyes to be sure that I am letting him do this to me, that I don’t want him to stop his blue eyes are cloudy with lust. My breasts never been touched in a way that didn’t hurt and the feelings coursing through me right now are amazing my blood is burning in my veins and I somehow want more but I want it to stop I can’t bear it. Rowan can sense I am growing a little tense and he uses every bit of self-control he has to stop. I close my eyes releasing a breath I was holding so long that my lungs were on fire, and he tips my chin up so he can kiss me again. I feel like every inch of me is on fire and I want to stay in this moment as long as we can.

  Rowan just holds me close. His patience and self-control have amazed me once again he never pushes me further than I can handle to go. I am certain he has to take care of himself in the shower every morning, but never once has he even hinted that it bothers him. It is however starting to bother me and I wonder if he really will wait forever or if he will just go back to finding pleasure in random women. I am no fool I know he was a man whoring slut; I witnessed many of those poor ladies being sent packing in the middle of the night. I had heard every one of the sexcapades that unfolded in his bedroom.

  He tells me I am beautiful and that he will wait forever for me, but I have no idea where the beauty he sees is? The only beautiful things about me are the pictures painted on my skin and they just cover up the ugly that’s still underneath. He tries to reassure me constantly that he is not looking for another woman, that it will only ever be me, but my low opinion of myself has me doubting that is the truth.

  My phone vibrates with my morning alarm on the table next to the bed and I know it’s time to get up and get ready for the day, all the furniture for the restaurant is arriving today and I want to be down there when it gets there. I have been working almost nonstop on the menu and testing each dish until it’s perfected. The grand opening has been advertised for one weeks’ time to coincide with the release of this year’s wines and I am beyond excited. I give Rowan one last kisses before I roll out of bed. I know he won’t be up for a while he only came home in the wee hours of the morning. I know he was out working but we don’t discuss it, he tries to keep his work from me never sharing anything about it other than when he will be away from home. He grabs my wrist as I stand up and pulls me down so I tumble on top of him before he kisses me with all the pent up passion he is holding in. Hmmm it feels so good I have a difficult time pulling away from him to go get dressed. “Hmm, sleep Rowan I will see you later when you up come find me down at the barn. I love you.” I speak into his neck before heading to the bathroom to pull myself together for the day.

  I pull on a pair of dark skinny jeans and a pretty red tank top with navy lace on the edges with a pair of patent pumps and pull my still wet hair up into a messy bun on top of my head and add a cute headband to keep it from flying in my face all day. I grab a light cashmere cardigan just in-case it’s still fresh out. Our weather is so mild that we don’t really need warm clothing even in the winter months but the mornings and evenings can get cold. I walk the kilometre down the drive to the commercial side of the estate rather than driving today the fresh air gives me a chance to clear my head and day dream about the intimate moment Rowan and I shared this morning. I can feel my skin tingling where he touched me and my cheeks grow warm just thinking about it. Rowan has the power to control both my mind and my body even when he is not with me.

  It’s obviously still written on my face when I enter the barn to find Amya holding two cups of coffee from my brand new coffee machine. Her smile is so welcome right now; she has helped me with all the decor and design aspects of the whole project. I should have known she would be here to supervise the delivery of the especially picked out picnic style tables and chairs. She is almost as excited about the opening as I am.

  “So is that a
I just got lucky this morning blush on your face?” she asks not caring who is listening and I blush even brighter red I can feel the heat creeping up my neck and over my face. Amya doesn’t know about my sex issues. In fact I think Rowan and Callum are the only ones who do. In a moment of madness I decide I need to tell my friend, because I need to talk to a woman about this.

  “Can we go for a little walk and chat before the furniture arrives?” I ask her quietly and start walking towards the giant wooden doors that open out over the lower vineyard. “Sure we can, you alright?” Amya seems worried now, I don’t often ask to talk my brain just normally vomits the words out but I would rather the staff not hear this chat.

  “I am fine, I just need some girl advice and it’s not the kind of thing I need my sous chef knowing.” I try to settle her mind while we walk down the steps. Once we have walked a little farther into the vineyard I start to talk.

  “Amya, you know my scars were from my husband right. Well I need to tell you some things and then I need your advice on how to do something. So please just listen without judging first. Please this is very hard for me to share at all.” I start asking her; when I look at her I see my friend and someone who I can trust with anything.

  “Renzo had a vendetta against my father and he married me so I could pay for something my dad did. I was a virgin on my wedding night, that night he beat me then raped me for the first time. It went on like that for eight years I won’t tell you the details, you saw my body you know full well how bad it was. The thing is, I have never had normal sex or made love or whatever you want to call it, I have only ever been raped. Sex has only ever been about pain and hurt and humiliation for me. I am terrified of sex. Rowan says he will wait until I am ready but I want to be ready and just don’t know how to get past this last wall in my way. I fear touch and intimacy so much it paralyzes me. I know I am not ready for actual sex, but I want to be able to touch him and help him out if you know what I mean?” I am blushing all shades of red right now and I am sure my face matches the roses on my exposed shoulder. I can see my friend is sad for what I have shared but also wholly amused at what I have asked her. The cheeky smile she is wearing tells me so. “Oh sweetheart” she wraps an arm around my shoulders. “First off I am not sure I am the best sex ed teacher given my liking for the kinkier side of life but I cannot imagine living without sex. What I can say to you is, tell Rowan you want to touch him; no man is going to say no, I can promise you that. Let him guide you to what he likes.” There is no judgement in her tone, and I am tempted to ask her about her kink comment but hold it in, it’s better not to know some things about your friends. “What if he wants to touch me? What if I freeze the second he does? What if I do it all wrong and he hates it I will die of embarrassment.”

  We have walked quite a ways away now and Amya stops and sits down right where she is so I simply follow suit and face her, our buts in the dusty ground beneath the vines. “I have an idea for you, when Rob and I play; um we will call it playing for now. I have a set of safe words that I can use to slow things down or stop them all together. I think that could help you, if you feel it’s getting to much you can use one word to slow it down and if it’s at the point of a panic attack one word to stop it completely. As for doing it wrong, if you are touching his cock you are not doing it wrong, there is no wrong. All men love having their bits fiddled with.”

  “What if he doesn’t stop?”

  “Trust him Lauri, he will not hurt you. He will stop.” She almost snaps it at me. I see her cringe at her response almost immediately. “Sorry I’m not the best girlfriend when it comes to the mushy stuff. I know he won’t hurt you, but you need to tell him how you feel and what you want Lauri, he is not a mind reader.” I know she is right. “Thanks Amya, sooo, playing huh? I would never say.” I give her a silly smile and raise my brows at her. She shakes her head with a giggle before she answers me.

  “Lauri I know you are not a nun, seriously. Rob and I have our own taste that’s all.” She jokes as she stands up and pulls me to my feet. “I feel like a nun.” I whisper back I don’t think she heard me though.

  We walk back to the barn that contains my little dream and the deliveries start shortly after that. We are so busy moving things and unpacking boxes of plates and glass ware that I don’t see Rowan and Robin walk in through the giant doors. Its Amya’s loud squeal when Rob grabs her from behind that gets my attention. Rowan takes a more gentle approach and plants a kiss on my temple. The men get to work and connect the new sound system and in no time we are all working together to the tunes from my iPod. The four of us laugh and enjoy the time fooling around as we work. Rowan traps me in the corner by the kitchen door and sneaks a rather hot kiss leaving me out of breath and bright red, again. Amya shoots me a wink which just makes it worse. I am not comfortable being affectionate in public it makes me cringe a little. It’s at that moment Amya announces we should call it a day and she and Robin are leaving. The rest of the staff left ages ago. Rowan and I send our friends home and I go back in to lock up the barn. As I switch off the lights plunging the huge open area into absolute darkness Rowan envelopes me in his strong arms from behind and kisses me just under my ear. That simple kiss sends something a have never felt before through me. I have had butterflies in my stomach before but right now I have them in my pants and it’s like they are on fire. In the pitch dark of the barn I turn around in Rowan’s arms and I know that I am ready to try and give in to the physical pull that is so strong but we are going to have to talk about it first. I need rules to survive this if we are going to stand any chance at all.

  I nuzzle my head into his strong chest breathing in the smell of him and I start talking, I think I can get his out if he cannot see me blushing like a teenage girl and here in the cover of the dark in my dream come true my face is safely hidden. “Rowan, I am ready to let you touch me, I mean really touch me.” Now the hard bit. “I want to touch you too; I want you to show me how. How to make you feel good, I want to be everything that you need.”

  He pulls me tighter against him and I can hear his breathing hitch at what I am saying to him. I know he wants this; he has been waiting for me. “But I need a way to tell you to slow down or stop if I am going to panic, like a safe word or something.” I get the last part out in a strangle of words all mixed together without a breath in between.

  A small chuckle escapes him; this isn’t a funny moment at all. “How do you know about safe words sweetheart? He pulls my face close to his but I still can’t see anything I just feel his breath on my skin? “Amya” Is all I manage my heart is pounding with desire and nerves and fear and I think it may burst. “That makes sense. I want you to be sure Lauri, I don’t want to break you anymore. I actually think Amya’s idea is a good one. I won’t take anything that you don’t want to give me Lauri.” I feel his lips on mine as he whispers a soft kiss on them. “We go as slow as you need sweetheart, what are your words?”

  Funny enough I had given that some thought throughout the day and I had them all picked out. I know he won’t like them but I know that will work. Still in the darkness so I cannot see his eyes I reply “heart for slow down and numbers for stop.” I whisper them out feeling Rowan’s warm breath in my neck I have goose bumps all over as I wait for his reaction. “Fine, as long you are sure about this Lauri, are you really ready?” I hear in his voice that my choice of words has wounded him a little.

  I reach my hand between us so I can show him just how ready I am and before I answer him I rub my hand over his very obvious erection and say louder that I intended to “I want to touch you more than anything Rowan I want to able to take care of you in every way that you need.” He groans loudly and grabs my hand pulling it away slightly before he lifts me to sit on the table behind me. “Slowly sweetheart, slowly. Let’s go home first. I want to be able to see you.”

  He kisses me and I let his hands wonder all over me without getting the overpowering urge to freeze, becaus
e I know I can stop him at any time. A power I have never been given before, I let myself feel everything.

  ROWAN

  “Have a heart that never hardens, and a temper that never tries, and a touch that never hurts.”

  ~Charles Dickens

  If I could sprint to the house right now I would. I have been feeling sick all day after touching her this morning, I felt like an asshole for pushing even a little. The guilt has weighed on me and when she started to talk in the dark for sure I thought she was going to put the brakes on. I have been trying to get close to her all afternoon but she isn’t comfortable with affection in front of anyone. She has made it very clear to me that it makes her very uncomfortable. Even in front of our closest friends she just cannot relax into it. Yet today when I got her in the corner and kissed her madly she didn’t pull away and she didn’t freeze it was different and that made me even more nervous about this morning. I have got to learn a little self-control but I am a man and fuck me but the feel of her full breasts in my hands did very bad things in my mind.

  I am smiling like a fool as we walk back home in the dark only the moonlight filters through the vineyards. Amya my dear you are a fucking genius and I love you right now. I have been in sexual situations before where safe words were totally needed but never thought to apply them with Lauri, giving her the power over me in that way seems to have let her entertain the idea of us being physical with each other. It’s like she needed a way to stop things before she could even begin. Her choice of words however stabbed me in my heart, but I know that they will get my attention no matter how caught up I am and it may just be her way of dealing with the darkness in me. I don’t think she was in any way saying she is ready to have sex yet but she wants to get there and this is a start.