Adding Up to Family

by Marie Ferrarella

  Guilt ate another little piece of him. He didn’t want to disappoint his daughter, but he couldn’t deal with this right now. He shrugged, then let his shoulders drop.

  “Can’t be helped. She’ll understand. She’s used to it,” he stated. Standing up, he drained the last of his coffee from his cup.

  “She’ll most likely want to tell you about the sleepover,” Becky reminded him.

  She could see that her words stopped him for a moment.

  Torn, he gave the matter some more thought. But he really needed to be able to sort things out in his head and he couldn’t do that if he stayed here right now. He felt as if there was a war going on inside him.

  He felt awful about it, but for everyone’s sake, he had to get away now. “Tell Stevi she can tell me all about it when I get home.”

  “And when will that be?” Becky asked.

  Steve had reached the door at this point. He knew if he turned around to answer her, something in her eyes would tempt him to stay and he couldn’t do that. Not yet. Not until he was able to figure some things out and put this uneasiness permanently aside.

  “I’m not sure yet” was all he was able to say before he left.

  Becky stood there, staring at the closed door, a numbness descending over her. She’d waited twenty-seven years to give her heart to someone, only to have it lobbed right back at her as if it didn’t matter.

  Now what? she asked herself.

  Feeling like someone who was sleepwalking, she picked up the empty plate and coffee cup from the table and brought it to the sink.

  She didn’t remember turning on the water, or reaching for the soap, but suddenly found herself washing the dishes over and over.

  She couldn’t think about this now.

  She had to pick up Stephanie from the other girl’s house. More important than that, she had to come up with a plausible excuse for why Steve wasn’t home, eagerly waiting to hear all about this milestone that had just occurred in his daughter’s life.

  Becky sighed.

  This wasn’t going to be easy.

  * * *

  Becky went to pick up Stephanie. She did what she could to keep the girl entertained and distracted, directing her attention elsewhere. Not just for the moment, but for the duration of the afternoon.

  They went to a matinee and took in a fantasy action movie that Stephanie had expressed an interest in seeing. After the film let out, Becky took the girl to a jungle theme restaurant for a late lunch as an added treat.

  Between the sleepover, the movie and the restaurant, Stephanie had more than enough to talk about for the remainder of the day. And if she felt disappointed that her father wasn’t there to share any of this with her, she gave no indication.

  By the time Stephanie went to bed, Becky felt she had successfully shielded the girl’s feelings. Her own feelings as far as Steve went, however, were in shambles.

  * * *

  Steve continued to leave the house in the wee hours of the morning and didn’t get back until really late. He kept this up for the entire week, including the following Saturday and Sunday.

  When it began to look as if he was going to continue playing hide-and-seek indefinitely, Becky decided something had to be done. She wasn’t happy about it, but she had no other choice.

  * * *

  It was after ten o’clock when he came home.

  Although she’d left the light on for him in the kitchen, Becky wasn’t anywhere in the vicinity. He assumed that she’d gone to bed, and for once, he was disappointed that she had. He’d finally managed to work things out in his head and he was anxious to tell her about it.

  This entire week he’d been struggling to reconcile what he felt for Becky with the guilt he felt because he was moving on. Moving on when obviously Cindy couldn’t. Couldn’t move on, couldn’t feel, couldn’t do anything. But he’d realized that Cindy wouldn’t have wanted him to withdraw into himself. She would have wanted him to be happy—and Becky made him happy. He admitted that to himself now and accepted it.

  Now what he needed to do was to tell Becky.

  About to go upstairs to see if she was in her room, Steve stopped dead when he saw Celia sitting in the living room. The woman was reading a book when he entered, but looked up the moment he appeared.

  “Mrs. Parnell, what are you doing here? Is something wrong?” he asked. “Where’s Becky? Is Stevi all right?” His mind started going in all directions at once.

  “Catch your breath, dear,” Celia advised. “Your daughter’s fine. She’s asleep upstairs. I don’t think she even knows I’m here. She’s a very peaceful sleeper,” the woman commented.

  He could feel uneasiness beginning to scramble within him. “Please don’t take this the wrong way, Mrs. Parnell, but why are you here?”

  She offered him a serene smile. “Becky called me and asked me to stay here with Stephanie until you came home.”

  “I don’t understand. Why would she do that?” he said. “Isn’t Becky here?”

  “No, she’s not,” Celia replied quietly. “She told me that she was handing in her notice and she wanted me to find a replacement as soon as possible. She specified that she wanted to make sure that Stephanie liked the new housekeeper before she was hired.”

  None of this was making any sense to him. “But why would she do that? Becky’s quitting?” he questioned. “Why? When did this happen?”

  “She didn’t say anything to you?” Celia asked, although her manner seemed to convey that she already knew the answer to that.

  “No, she didn’t,” Steve insisted, and then belatedly added, “I haven’t been around lately...”

  “Work?” Celia asked politely.

  “Yes, something like that,” he muttered. His mind was racing. “She’s really handing in her notice?”

  Celia nodded. “That’s what she said.”

  “But she can’t do that,” he cried, suddenly coming to life like a man who found himself waking up out of a prolonged coma.

  “I’m afraid that she has,” Celia told him. Opening her purse, she produced a folded piece of paper and handed it to him.

  Steve could feel his stomach knotting and then sinking even before he took the note and scanned it.

  “Dear Mr. Holder,

  I’ve asked Mrs. Parnell to find another housekeeper for you. Stephanie needs you home and you no longer seem to be comfortable here as long as I’m under the same roof. I’m taking myself out of the equation so you don’t need to keep finding reasons not to be here.

  Remember to keep working on your relationship with Stephanie. Don’t just back off when things don’t go smoothly. She’s a wonderful girl, but she needs your guidance now more than ever.

  It’s been a pleasure knowing both of you and I wish you the best of everything.

  Sincerely,

  Rebecca Reynolds.”

  It sounded so removed, so sensible. Well, what did he expect after the way he’d treated her? he thought, mentally berating himself.

  He looked up at Celia. “She really quit.”

  “I’m afraid it looks that way, dear. I’ll come by in the morning myself until I can find someone to fill in as your housekeeper...” She stopped to look at the expression on his face. He wasn’t paying attention. “Mr. Holder? Did you hear what I just said?”

  His mind was still racing. He had to get her back. Now, before he lost her forever.

  “Where does she live?” he asked the woman suddenly. “Becky—where does she live?”

  “She wanted me to sublet her apartment for her, but I haven’t managed to arrange that yet.”

  Celia was making it up as she went along because so far she hadn’t gotten around to having Maizie sublet the apartment for Becky. She’d wanted to make sure this pairing was going to work out. If it didn’t for some reason, she’d wanted Becky to h
ave somewhere to come back to.

  When Becky had called her this afternoon, Celia had thought it was all over. But now, apparently, there seemed to be hope, and she felt her heart warm.

  “What’s the address?” Steve asked.

  When Celia gave it to him, he took her hands in his, squeezing them.

  The ambivalent feelings he’d been warring with for over a week had all vanished. Hearing that Becky was gone solidified his convictions. He knew what he needed to do. Beg for forgiveness.

  “I have to impose on you a little longer, Mrs. Parnell,” he told her. “I know it’s a lot to ask, but could you stay with my daughter until I get back?”

  Yes! Celia thought. “Of course I will,” she said out loud. Then she innocently asked, “Where are you going, dear?”

  He was already at the door. “I’ve got to go tell someone that I’ve been an absolute idiot.”

  Celia smiled in approval. “Humbleness is always a good trait, dear,” she told him. And then she waved him off. “Go, do what you need to do. I’ll stay here until you get back.”

  He was gone before she stopped speaking.

  Celia crossed her fingers, then picked up her book again.

  Chapter Eighteen

  It didn’t feel like home anymore.

  Actually, Becky thought, her apartment never really did feel like it was “home.” She hadn’t been inside it for over a month and now it almost felt alien to her. Alien and cold, but she’d get used to it again, she told herself.

  At best, it had been a place where she came to shower and change, to eat and sleep. Occasionally, she’d watch something on TV, but it hadn’t been a place she thought of fondly and it certainly didn’t feel all that welcoming to her.

  But now it was going to have to be all those things, she told herself. Because this was where she was going to regroup and start all over again.

  Maybe she’d even go back to engineering...

  No, she couldn’t do that, Becky thought. She didn’t like that world anymore. Though she knew her mother thought it was beneath her, given her education, she really liked working for Celia.

  Besides, engineering reminded her of Steve and right now she really couldn’t handle that. The wound he’d left was still too fresh.

  After what had ultimately been the very best night of her life, she had been forced to face a morning that registered in at less than zero. That had been followed by possibly the worst week she could ever remember and that was saying a great deal, given the ridicule, verbal abuse and bullying she’d had to endure at times as a child because she was considered “different.”

  She’d thought that was all finally behind her, and in a way it was. However, what she’d gone through this last week, trying to muster on without allowing Stephanie to see or even suspect that something was wrong, that she was hurting, had been much harder than she’d expected.

  Her mind turned to Steve’s daughter.

  It bothered her that she had left Stephanie without explaining why she was going. She’d made up a flimsy excuse, then quickly left. Anything more and she would have broken down, telling the girl why she was really going. Despite what Steve had done to her heart, she didn’t want Stephanie being upset with her dad. Right now the relationship between father and daughter was a delicate one, and for Stephanie’s sake, it needed to continue unmarred.

  Becky looked around the dark apartment. She hadn’t turned on the light when she came in. Somehow, having the place lit up would seem almost too cheerful, given what she was feeling. So she left it the way it was, bathed in darkness.

  She didn’t know what to do with herself.

  It had been so long since every moment of her waking hours hadn’t been accounted for that to be sitting here now with nothing demanding her time felt really, really strange. Lack of having something to do made her feel restless, not to mention lonely.

  Maybe she’d give her mother a call tomorrow. It had been a while now since she had gotten together with her mom. And right now, she needed to be fussed over and treated like someone’s child.

  Needed to feel as if she mattered to someone.

  Who are you kidding? Fussed over and treated like someone’s child? You know you’d hate that. It’s just your insecurity talking. Get a grip, Becky. You’re still you. So you fell for a guy who’s not able to commit—you think you’re the first one to ever do that? Puh-lease, just grow up.

  But that was exactly what she had done, and if this was what it meant to grow up, maybe this whole “grown up” thing was highly overrated.

  She was better off not being attracted to anyone, not even if—

  The doorbell rang, catching her entirely off guard. The first thing she thought of was that it had to be her mom. As far as she knew, no one else ever came by.

  “Oh God, Mother, not now,” she murmured. She debated just sitting here in the dark, not making any noise and waiting for her to go away.

  But then the doorbell rang again, more insistently this time. She knew her mother wasn’t going anywhere. The woman would stand outside her door, ringing the bell forever—until she answered.

  With a sigh, Becky got up and moved to the door like a condemned prisoner walking her last mile.

  “Mom,” she said, even as she began opening the door, “I think I’m coming down with something. I’m really not up to having any company right now.”

  She stopped dead when she saw who it was.

  “I’m not company. I’m the jerk who’s come to beg you for forgiveness,” Steve told her as he crossed her threshold. He looked around in surprise. “You don’t have any lights on. Did you pay your electricity bill?”

  “I paid it,” she told him. “I just felt like sitting in the dark.” Since he was obviously staying, she closed the door behind him. “You were saying something about being a jerk.”

  “I was.” About to launch into an apology, he paused. “Do you mind if I turn on a light? I want to be able to see you when I say this.”

  “I thought that was the whole point of you being at work all the time,” she said. “So you wouldn’t have to see me.”

  He wasn’t about to dispute that. Turning on the light, he just began explaining things. “I needed some time to work a few things out.”

  When she began to move away, Steve caught Becky’s wrist and made her look at him. He felt as if he had just one chance to make this right and he was not about to mess things up.

  “Becky, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know that you are the best thing that’s happened to me in a long, long time. You are the first woman I’ve been attracted to since Cindy died and I felt guilty as hell that I was moving on, even thinking of making a new life for myself, when Cindy couldn’t.” He looked at her helplessly. “Maybe that sounds crazy to you—”

  “Actually, it doesn’t,” Becky answered.

  Her words surprised him and he stared at her, relieved.

  “Another reason to love you,” he said, without realizing that he had voiced his thoughts out loud. “Anyway, you need to know that I had been in love with Cindy since the fourth grade. There’d never been anyone else except Cindy. Ever. I never sowed any wild oats, never did anything wild and unpredictable. Nothing,” he insisted. “There was just puberty and then there was Cindy.

  “The day she died, it was because she was in the wrong place at the wrong time. I was working overtime—again,” he confessed in a husky voice. “And I asked her to run an errand for me. She did, and she wound up walking in on a robbery. If I hadn’t been working, if I’d run my own damn errand,” he said, with barely controlled emotion, “I would have been the one to walk in on that robbery. I would have been the one to get shot and die, not her.” He took a shaky breath. “I can’t begin to describe the kind of guilt I felt over that.

  “And then you came along, and without meaning to, I somehow found myself
falling in love with you without even being aware of it. When I realized what was going on, all that guilt came flooding back, almost drowning me. So I ran,” he concluded. “I just ran.”

  Overwhelmed, Becky found it took her a moment to speak. “That’s why I left. I didn’t want to be the reason you felt you couldn’t come home. Stephanie needs you to be there,” she insisted. “You’re her dad and she needs you.”

  He knew that. But he also knew something else now. “She needs you, too.”

  That wasn’t necessarily true, Becky thought. She was just a place holder. “Stephanie needed someone to listen to her for a little while as she untangled some of the things she was going through.” Becky smiled at him. “But now that the hard part’s over, you can do that, too.”

  It sounded as if she was about to tell him to leave, but he wasn’t finished yet. He needed her to know something.

  “While I was hiding out at work,” he continued, “using it as an excuse not to come home, I figured out something.” His eyes met hers. “I figured out that Cindy wouldn’t want me living like a hermit. Or a monk. That she would want me to be happy, just like, if the tables had been turned and she was the one who had lived, I would have wanted her to go on with her life and be happy. I was so busy being guilty that she wasn’t here, I’d forgotten what Cindy was like when she was here.” He searched Becky’s face, trying to see if he was getting through to her. Hoping that he had.

  “It sounds like she was a wonderful person,” Becky murmured.

  “She was,” he agreed. “Just like you’re a wonderful person. Becky, it’s taken me almost seven years to find someone I’m attracted to. Someone I want to be with. Not just for a day, or a week, but for the rest of my life.”

  She looked at him, not sure what she was hearing. “What are you saying?”

  He’d thought he was clear. Obviously not. He tried again. “That I love you, Becky, and I want to be with you.”

  She wanted to believe him, but she was afraid to. Afraid to unlock the door to her heart again after he’d slammed it so hard.

  “You scarcely know me,” she protested.