Blind Devotion (Steel Jackals MC Book 1)

by Nancy Haviland

  Oh, shit. Did that simple animalistic observation have to tickle every erogenous zone she had? And that protective note laced through his voice really shouldn’t have sent heat sizzling down her spine, but it did. It zipped through her and settled low in her belly.

  “I, uh…” She cleared her throat and tried to pull her head out from between the sheets. “I clean up every little while, but since it’s usually only me, I’m pretty tight. I don’t spread myself all over the house and make messes in every room. And I go to school during the day, which means I have to work at night. You know that. Unless you didn’t read my letters. Then you wouldn’t have known.” Why was his face flushing like that? “Are you hot? I can adjust the thermostat if you’d like. I don’t keep it very low because my uncle insists the bills are included in the rent.” She smiled, thinking of Nick. “But he won’t let me pay rent. When I push about it, he tells me to give it a rest and enjoy the fact that I even have a home. So, I am. That’s another reason I like to take good care of the house. It’s the first place I’ve lived that feels like a real home. That’s pretty special.”

  How had she forgotten the square cut of his goateed jaw and the thickness of his inked neck? And that tattoo of the Grim Reaper holding up a royal flush? Gawd, how she loved it. The way it stretched from below his left ear to disappear under his shirt. She knew the Reaper’s billowing cloak covered his shoulder and reached almost to his elbow.

  He took a couple of steps toward her. An odd light had entered his eyes, but it was gone in a blink. “This is your home, Tish,” he said gruffly, stopping in the middle of the room. “It always will be.”

  She was too busy trying to understand his odd behavior to do much more than nod.

  He tipped his head to the side as though needing to stretch out his neck. “So, you’re tight, and you don’t spread yourself around,” he mimicked, his voice layered with something she couldn’t name. “Because you’re here alone all the time? Where the fuck is your goddamn mother?”

  The effervescent joy bubbling around her heart began to go flat. What was happening here? Why was he acting like this? She knew him as well as she knew herself, and she could see he was growing edgier by the second, more hostile.

  Or maybe she didn’t know him anymore. They said prison changed a person. Could it have changed Josh? She wouldn’t have thought anything had the power to do that.

  “I don’t know if you cut Nick off too…?” She looked at him hopefully. She really didn’t want to be the only one who’d been banned from seeing him.

  He dashed her hopes by neither confirming nor denying her inquiry. Damn. She knew that meant her uncle had been to see him.

  “Okay, uh, then you probably know my mom has gone off the rails and isn’t around much anymore. She drops in the odd time but doesn’t stay long.”

  His expression closed up. “Nick failed to mention that.”

  Guess her mom’s routine wasn’t important enough to chat about. “Oh, well, she shows up and wanders around for a while.” Tish was happy to be able to share something with him, even if it was about her mom. “She doesn’t meet my eyes because she knows how I feel about what she did, and then she’s gone again. Usually in less than a day.”

  Nothing. He looked like a sculpture. He’d always been standoffish, but not with her. Almost as if they were magnetized, she drifted to where he’d ended up in front of the stove. His jaw tightened as he moved away. She tried not to be hurt by that, but she was. She didn’t let him see it as she took up his vacated position and leaned her ass on the oven’s door handle. She knew she was still staring, but he had to forgive her. She just couldn’t help it.

  “It’s good that she doesn’t stay long,” she continued when the quiet got to her. “I know that sounds terrible for me to say about my own mother, but after…” Would he get upset if she brought up what Rachel had done to him? She went in a different direction just in case. “I don’t appreciate coming out of my room in a rush to catch the bus for school, only to find her dealer sitting there.” She pointed to the table. “Let’s just say I’d much rather live alone and be a little spooked at night than to have to put up with that.” She shuddered and crossed her arms under her breasts.

  “Her dealer was in here? Alone? With you?”

  She nodded, thankful that he’d responded. At least she knew he was listening to her. “Rachel was likely passed out downstairs, so I guess, technically, we weren’t alone.” It struck her as sad that the telling of stories like this didn’t faze her. It should. “One other guy was in here a few months ago. A pimp, I think. Well, I guess I don’t have to think since he told me outright he was looking for more girls before asking if I needed ‘representation.’” She air-quoted, then gave Josh a look that said can-you-believe-that? “It was creepy as hell. After work that night I made sure to call my uncle for a ride. I told him why I was afraid to come home by myself and he was pretty angry. When we got here, the twins were already out front. I was left with Ethan, and Nick brought Gavin in here to make sure Rachel and her friend were gone. I think my uncle felt bad because he picked me up from work and slept in the spare room for a full week after. Wasn’t that sweet?”

  “Did he bring you the cocksucker’s still beating heart after he ripped it from his crushed chest?”

  It was her turn to still. She barely breathed as she waited for him to indicate he was kidding. He didn’t. “No. He, uh, didn’t bring me anything like that.” She rubbed at the goosebumps that popped up on her arms.

  “Then there’s nothing sweet about that.” He had his phone out and pressed to his ear. “You wanna to tell me what the fuck happened to the pimp who offered your niece a goddamn job?” he barked when Nick, presumably, answered. Josh looked over at her, his eyes molten. “Yeah. I’m here now. Oh. Good. Should’ve known. See you later.” He hung up and slipped his cell into the back pocket of his low-slung jeans. The thick link of chain he’d always worn made a familiar chime that warmed her right down to her toes.

  “What did he say?”

  “Nothing.”

  She rolled her eyes. “He said something. I’m standing right here, Josh. I know he answered you.”

  “And I have to report to you the private conversation I just had with my VP…?”

  She balked. Oops. Overstep much? Dropping her arms, she made to move in his direction to apologize but paused when he stiffened, bracing as if to bolt. She stayed where she was.

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to pry. I was curious to know if he ended up saying anything to my mom, but I wasn’t until you put the thought in my head.” The blame was his, and she laid it at his feet.

  She was almost positive she saw his lip twitch. “Well, get it out of there again and forget it happened.”

  “Nothing did happen, though.”

  “Good. Then you shouldn’t have any trouble doing as you’re told.”

  Wow. So bossy. Why did that make her tingle all over?

  Quiet descended, and she wondered if maybe his skittishness was simply him getting used to being around people again after having been in jail for so long.

  Or more likely, he’d been cooped up with hundreds of other men and probably wanted his space now. She could understand that.

  She changed the subject to prove she was indeed capable of doing as she was told. “So, they let you out early. That’s pretty amazing. I’m so grateful.”

  He was glowering at her. Because he hated her? Maybe his abrasive attitude was actually about her being Rachel’s daughter. The woman had stolen three years of his life.

  “Er, Josh?” She nibbled on her lip, not sure what to say now that she finally had the opportunity to offer an apology. Years too late, perhaps, but she would offer it anyway. “Because they never let me speak to you alone—but even if they had, Nick would have been there, I guess.” She swallowed around the nerves swirling in her belly. “I’m sure he’s already done this, and I know it’s much too late, but, I want to apologize for what my mom did to you. I’m so
sorry it was you who went to that awful place and not her. And, I’ll, uh, understand if your animosity towards her extends to me.” But please don’t let it.

  He finally looked away and swung his gaze around the kitchen. With his boots thudding, he prowled over to peer down at her school and work schedules stuck to the fridge with magnets. His forehead wrinkled briefly when he saw the grouping of photographs in the one corner. They were of him. All of them.

  “Apologies are pointless, Tish. Especially when the one making them is as innocent of the sitch as I was. And to be clear, the last thing I’m feeling toward you at this moment is animosity.” He straightened and motioned to the papers. “When do you live your goddamn life? Going by this, all you do in your spare time is jam in a few hours of sleep.”

  Seemed she’d stressed for nothing over how to say she was sorry. He genuinely appeared not to care. “I don’t have much of a social life. Nina and the girls come to see me at work, and we all go out to the movies the odd night.” She shrugged. “I don’t need much more than that.” Except for you.

  “Uh-huh.” He gave her body a cursory glance before turning to grab the electric kettle off the counter. He stomped over to the sink. “You still drink tea?” Before she could answer, he went on. “Why don’t you get some fuckin’ clothes on and I’ll make you a cup? What time is your first class tomorrow?”

  Her teeth ground together just a little. Maybe he was bitchy because he was…fuck, she didn’t know. Tired? Maybe he needed to veg for a while. She tore her eyes away from his broad back that displayed his cut so well. Steel Jackals was loud and proud up top, Queen Creek across the bottom, and between them was one scary-ass jackal riding a chopper. Tish wanted to touch that leather. She wanted to touch him.

  She looked down at her shorts and T-shirt again. “I’m dressed all right, and it’s Friday,” she said distractedly. “We can catch up all night and then sleep in tomorrow.” God, she sounded so hopeful it was pathetic. But they used to do that all the time before he left.

  “I don’t fuckin’ think so.”

  She felt her face fall. “What?” She pushed off from the stove and went to him. Screw his jitters. “You can’t stay? Why?” The alarm in her voice didn’t even faze her. He couldn’t leave her again. She gripped his thick forearms when he came around to face her. “Please don’t go. You just got here and…and…I don’t want you to go again.” She shook her head for good measure.

  Something was wrong with him. His lip curled, and he was breaking out in a sweat.

  Concerned, she reached up to swipe at a droplet of moisture beading over his brow. “Are you okay? Tell me what’s wrong, Josh. Maybe I can help.”

  “I think it would be wise to get your half-naked ass the fuck away from me, Tish.”

  She couldn’t have been more surprised had he slapped her. She let go of him, drawing her hands to her chest and curling her fingers around her damp thumb. Taking step after step back, she didn’t stop until she reached the wall and the push-pin anchoring the calendar poked into the back of her neck.

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to invade your personal space. I know how uncomfortable that can be.”

  “How’s that?”

  “Pardon?” She was fighting not to acknowledge his rejection. If it wormed its way into her and became a permanent memory, she’d never have any peace.

  “Who’s been invading your personal space?”

  “Oh, uh, no one in particular. It just happens.” Her gaze bounced around. She couldn’t look at him anymore, was too embarrassed. She glanced at her clothes again. Why did he keep mentioning what she was wearing?

  Her eyes went to skip past his body, but they didn’t make it. Her breath whooshed out in a hot rush as her focus locked like a laser on something she couldn’t mistake for anything other than what it was. A noticeable ridge in the front of his jeans. Unless he’d smuggled something long and thick out of the prison when he’d left, he was hard.

  “Ignore that, Tish-Tosh.” He’d clearly seen where her attention had landed. “I just spent three years in a cell. That would happen if I saw a chicken crossing the fuckin’ road.”

  The pain in her chest flared, layering over his previous dismissal like a punch. It opened her up and allowed his rejection entry. Did he not think she was attractive? Did he not like the way she’d turned out? Deep down she knew she’d fared pretty well in the looks department. She had pretty blue eyes, long, shiny blonde hair, and a perky ass. But Josh obviously found her lacking. And wasn’t that just her luck? She couldn’t give the only man she’d ever been interested in a simple hard-on. Tears burned her throat, but she swallowed them down and schooled her features before he saw how he was making her bleed.

  “I gotta go,” he muttered.

  “Where?” She slapped a hand over her mouth, appalled that she’d done it again. If you weren’t their old lady or their birth mother, you didn’t question a Steel Jackal.

  Another glower came her way. “Not that I owe you an explanation,” he said bluntly, “but I’m going to take care of this fuckin’ dick. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  He went for the door, and as a ferocious jealousy smashed into her, the strength of it nearly making her vomit, Tish’s arm fell to her side and her mouth was going again, offering things her brain hadn’t authorized.

  “I’ll help you with it.”

  His heavy boots stopped dead on the clean tile. She held her breath as his head swiveled her way. “What the fuck did you just say, little girl?”

  She placed a hand on her roiling stomach and followed through. Yes, because she’d started this, but more because she so badly wanted to be the one he turned to when he needed relief. It was time he knew how she felt. “I’ll take care of you. I’d…I’d like to be the one to take care of you.”

  “You. Take care of me. I thought our deal was the other way around. You fucking things up, Tish?”

  She nodded because she was pretty sure she was. What if she ruined them with this? By revealing she wanted him in her bed, was she killing their relationship?

  “I don’t want you going to the clubhouse and using one of the girls,” she admitted without wincing or allowing her hands to form claws as images of other women filled her head. A lot of the guys had girlfriends or wives, and those girlfriends and wives had single friends who enjoyed having a good time. “Use me.”

  “Use you…how?” His voice was thin and tight, and never had he appeared so threatening.

  “However you want,” she whispered.

  He nodded, his lip curling. “So, this is what you’ve turned into while I’ve been gone. A whore who offers her pussy to a guy just because she sees his cock is hard. Jesus Christ, Tish. I expected so much better from you.”

  With a loud slam of the door, Josh stormed from the house.

  THREE

  Tish wasn’t sure how long she stood against the wall in her kitchen, but by the time she went across to lock the door, her muscles were stiff and her back was aching. Oddly, her eyes were bone dry, and not so oddly, her heart felt like it was in pieces.

  She shuffled down the hallway and went straight to the bathroom to shed her clothes and have the hottest shower on record. She was a virgin who’d never even had her breasts touched by a guy, yet she suddenly felt as if she’d taken on every man in town.

  Shutting off the water, she got out and dried herself, and continued to towel dry her hair as she made her way across the hall to her room. She threw on underwear, shorts, and a tank top, then sat on the edge of her bed and tried harder to figure out where she’d gone wrong. How had she fucked herself so thoroughly? Within minutes of his unexpected homecoming, she’d driven him away. Why had she opened her big, slutty-sounding mouth?

  Then again, he’d been acting strangely long before she’d offered herself to him.

  She rubbed at her eyes, utterly confused and terrified. Would he cut her off for good this time?

  For almost a year after he’d gone away, she’d weaseled her way into
visiting him with her uncle. She’d lived for those Sundays when she and Nick would go to Phoenix, and she’d slide into that seat across from Josh. The simple privilege of touching his hand when she told him a story had been all she was after. Or looking into his face and enjoying his rare smiles. Those moment had soothed her soul.

  Then, one day, he’d told her she wouldn’t see him again until it was outside the walls of the prison.

  You’re better than this, Tish-Tosh. Don’t come back here anymore.

  She’d smiled and nodded, having heard it all before, and had hugged him goodbye in the same way she always did at the end of every visit. The following Sunday, she’d shown up at the clubhouse and stood next to Nick’s truck, waiting for him to bring her to her love. When he hadn’t come out, she’d gone in search of him and had fought like hell to remain calm when he told her he’d promised Josh he wouldn’t bring her to see him anymore.

  He can’t keep me away, she’d said quietly. Why is he doing this? I thought he was testing me again, to see if I’d be relieved not to have to go back to that horrible place. We can’t leave him, Uncle Nick. He’s alone in there!

  Nick had tried to tell her Josh was tough and he’d be fine, but she’d known better and had eventually walked out. She’d gone straight to her best friend’s house, and Nina, who’d just found out her mom was sick, had happily offered a solution. Her crazy friend had brought Tish to her family’s auto shop, scooped a set of keys to a random customer’s car, and driven them to the prison in Phoenix where an older man at the desk had firmly told Tish, Mr. Sylvan will not see you.

  She was embarrassed to admit she and Nina had risked their asses for two months by illegally swiping cars from the shop to make that trip. And for two months, Tish was told the same thing.

  Go home, Ms. O’Malley. Mr. Sylvan is no longer accepting visitors.