Blind Devotion (Steel Jackals MC Book 1)

by Nancy Haviland

  He’d accepted visitors. Just not her. Tish swallowed hard. That had been almost two years ago. She’d been so angry. Had felt that same choking panic she’d felt the day they’d put him in the back of the police car. Once she’d calmed down—it had taken only a week—she’d started sending him letters. One every two months. She’d never received a response and hadn’t cared, she’d written to him anyway. He knew about her dreams, her fears, her accomplishments, her disappointments. She’d wanted to send him a picture of herself so he wouldn’t forget what she looked like, but her pride had prevented that. She wasn’t one to take many selfies.

  Now, it felt as if he wasn’t only shutting her out but trying to cut their ties completely. And again, she didn’t know why.

  Or maybe she did.

  Rachel.

  And how could Tish blame him? She couldn’t, she realized with a sinking heart…that nearly burst from her chest when the sound of the front door crashing open reached her all the way in the back of the house.

  She surged to her feet when it banged shut hard enough to shake the walls, and the bricks and mortar continued to shudder with every pounding step that hit as the owner of those heavy boots got closer and closer to her room. By the time Josh threw open her door, Tish was breathing heavy from a mixture of fear and anticipation. Her stupid body reacted to the sight of him by readying for sex. She felt moisture pool between her legs and her muscles warmed and loosened. Simply because it was him.

  But all that did now was make her want to hide. She should have put on a robe, she thought, embarrassed to feel how sensitive her nipples were when the material of her tank scraped across them.

  “Where the fuck do you get off offering yourself to me?” he demanded as he stormed into the room, shrinking it with his size. She cringed when he nearly took the door off its hinges by slamming it shut. “To me! How many other cocksuckers have had the pleasure? How many?”

  “None,” she whispered. Even though she knew he’d never hurt her—physically—she wanted to take a step back. He was big and intimidating, and she wasn’t comfortable with confrontations. But with the backs of her knees already flush with her mattress, she had nowhere to go.

  “Aw, come on, Tish!” He swiped a hand through the air, his expression turning thunderous. “Give me some goddamn honesty! That’s what you and me are about. Don’t start bullshitting me now just because you turned out like this.”

  Like this? She looked down and tried so hard to see what awful thing he was seeing. Average looking feet, toenails painted pink, longish legs, flat stomach, a pair of nice breasts. Her head snapped up as anger ripped through her. She wouldn’t allow him to do this to her.

  She whipped aside the towel she was still holding and barely refrained from stamping her foot. “What the hell is wrong with the way I turned out?” She’d wanted to scream the demand, but she hated yelling. Her mother’s many meltdowns over something as small as some spilled juice had been enough to last her a lifetime. Being this mad was a feat in itself for her.

  Josh looked at her as though she’d just popped another head out of her neck. “You fucking with me?”

  She stamped her foot after all. “No! What’s wrong with me?”

  In a matter of seconds, his lids got lazy and went low over his eyes as they traveled the length of her body. “Not one goddamn thing,” he said slowly, clearly enunciating each word.

  Her anger ceased to exist with a quiet pop, leaving her floundering and more confused than ever. “But, you said I turned out like ‘this.’ As if ‘this’ was gross or something.”

  He made a face. “Yeah. Gross,” he muttered sardonically. “I meant you filled in.”

  She ignored the excited jump in her pulse and flipped her hair back. She fluffed it for a second but then quickly dropped her hand when it felt as if she was scratching her head because she was too blonde to keep up. Which she was just then.

  “I filled in,” she repeated.

  “Uh-huh. You filled in real good, Tish-Tosh.” His voice went as low as his lids. “Long legs, prime hips, itty-bitty waist, fuckin’ sweet rack. And that face. Jesus Christ, that face is killer. You should have left the makeup on. Fresh and clean like this you’re a goddamn ex-con’s wet dream.”

  O-kay. Her mind reeled. She’d been way off. Way off. Painfully happy about that, she stepped closer to him. Was she this ex-con’s wet dream? She paused when she saw his reaction to her movement. Had he been a cat, his back would have been up and his tail would have been in the shape of a toilet brush. Going to the left, she circled to his side, giving him a wide berth, as one would a spooked animal.

  “So, you…like it? You like me?” Do you want me? Will you take me?

  He ground his jaw and made a rough sound at the back of his throat. “About as much as all your other boys.”

  Heat climbed her neck as a self-derisive laugh escaped her. “I don’t have any boys, Josh.”

  His gaze flipped over to lock with hers. “Say again?”

  Unsure where this conversation was going, but anxious to lead it in the direction she knew was right for them, Tish got over her reticence and grew a set.

  “I don’t have any boys,” she repeated, opening her expression so he could read the truth there. She hated that she was slightly embarrassed for having morals. Though it hadn’t been her morals so much as her complete lack of interest in any male—that wasn’t this one—that had kept her from experimenting any further than a couple of kisses when she was younger. She forced herself not to drop her eyes but continued to look up at him through her lashes—old habits die hard. “Or, I guess I could say, no boys have ever had me.” Oh, God. Did she just admit that?

  “You just offered to let me fuck you because I need the release after so long inside. Plus, you’re almost twenty, and you’re gonna tell me no lucky sonofabitch has popped your cherry yet?”

  The flutter in her belly grew in strength as she shook her head.

  “Anyone grabbed that sweet ass in his hands and held you just right so he could feast on your pussy?”

  Her mouth fell open and she knew her eyes had gone wide. Her breathing changed as the act, which starred them, came alive in her mind. She shook her head.

  “Played with those gorgeous tits? Sucked on your pretty nipples? Split your pussy lips open and fingered your little slit?”

  “Oh, God…” She was shocked to the bone to hear him speak to her like that. But at the same time lust was pouring into her body, turning that flutter into an aching clench rooted deep between her legs. She shook her head vigorously. “No. No one. Not ever. But if you have the urge to play with my body like that, I’ll let you.”

  He turned and made her jump when he hammered his fist into the door three times. “You don’t say that to a man fresh out of prison, Tish!” he roared. “Especially a man who’s known you half your goddamn life and shouldn’t even have your tits and ass on his radar!”

  She went to raise her hand but caught herself at the last minute. She wanted to pacify him even as she riled him up. The way his breaths were chuffing from his wide chest was almost alarming. It was also the sexiest thing ever. “But, I want to be with you because I know you. I’ve…” Dare she? Dare she tell him exactly how she felt? Her decision was quick to come. “I’ve wanted you to touch me and do those things to me for so long. Now that you’re here, you can.”

  “No. I. Can’t,” he ground out between clenched teeth.

  Grr. “Why?”

  “Because it wouldn’t be right. You’re my best friend’s niece. He’s my VP, and you’re a little fucking girl!” He spun to face her, straightening to his full height so that he was once more towering over her. “You’re still a goddamn teenager! I’m thirty-eight. That’s plenty old enough for me to know better than to lust after a goddamn little girl!”

  To Tish, age was just a number. She’d grown up so long ago she didn’t even know when she’d ceased being a child. At five, seven, at age nine when her mom had OD’d?

 
; Struggling to take yet another “no, thanks” on the chin, she felt something begin to harden inside her. She didn’t like the way it felt, but it bolstered her pride and injected some steel into her spine. “I’ll be twenty in less than two weeks,” she reminded him flatly. His brows drew together at the change in her voice. “And I don’t think I’ve ever been a little girl, Josh. My mom never allowed for that. Anyway, my age has nothing to do with what’s happening here. Or, it shouldn’t.”

  She shrugged and went over to worry the tassels hanging from the leather jacket on the stuffed bear that sat on her dresser. She focused on the soft animal and deliberately let her hands fall to her sides. Little girl her ass.

  “I suppose I could always head over to the clubhouse with you. Yeah, that’s a good idea. Better than most I’ve had,” she laughed hollowly. “I’m sure while you’re banging some random body, one of the guys wouldn’t mind tossing a pity fuck to the naïve little girl who’d hoped to—”

  He was on her before she knew what was happening. His big hands grabbed her upper arms and he crowded her until she was stumbling. The wall stopped their progress, making it so she had no where to go when he pressed into her with his entire body, melding them from chest to thigh. The erotic scent of man and leather surrounded her, making her head spin and her mouth water.

  “You give it up to any of my boys,” he snarled under his breath, “I’ll be back inside by sunrise. Only I’ll be doing life this time because I’ll kill the fucker who dares put his hands on you.”

  FOUR

  A sickening panic battled with the pleasure arcing from the roots of Tish’s hair to the soles of her feet. God, he felt good. So hard and hot, and he was nowhere near gentle with her. So perfect, this man. Or he would have been if he wasn’t such a dummy.

  She fisted the sides of his cut, making the leather creak from the strength of her hold. All she could see when he made such a threat was her returning to the barren life she’d been living without him, while he went back to existing like a caged animal.

  “Please, don’t ever be so stupid, Josh,” she begged quietly. “You couldn’t go back to living in that place any more than I could go back to living without you in my life. I’m not strong enough to do this alone anymore. I’m tired. I’m tired and I’m lonely, and I just want you with me. Any way I can have you. If you just want to be my friend, that’s fine. Just…don’t leave me again.”

  Her voice broke at the end, and as though someone had stuck him with a pin, the aggression slowly leaked out of him. He released the grip he had on her arms and gave her an inch to breathe, but he remained close enough for his forehead to bump against the wall when he let his head fall forward. A wave of goosebumps broke out on her arms when he rubbed his jaw on her damp hair before putting his face into it and inhaling quietly. He let the air out of his lungs on a long groan.

  “So fuckin’ good,” he murmured. “What the hell are you doing, Tish? Why are you talking to me as though we were together yesterday? I thought putting some distance between us would nip this in the bud. What the fuck did I do wrong?”

  That’s why he’d cut off her visits? Because he’d recognized what was happening and had wanted to stop it? Nothing could stop this.

  “Silly, Josh,” she said unhappily, hating that he hadn’t wanted the love he must have seen in her eyes every time she looked at him. “Just because I wasn’t with you, doesn’t mean you weren’t with me.” She pressed her hand to her hollow-feeling chest. “Even though you were gone, and I missed you more than you’ll ever know, you live in here, so we were never really apart.” She cringed. “Sorry. That sounded dramatic and slightly insane. It didn’t until I said it out loud.”

  “It’s not insane.” He laced his fingers through hers and brought her hand up to press his lips to her palm.

  Humor tried to surface when he didn’t include dramatic in the denial, but she was too upset to welcome it.

  “Hearing that from you is goddamn beautiful. But you’re gifting that beauty to someone who doesn’t deserve it, honey.”

  Her palm tickled from his bristles. “That’s not true. You’re a generous, caring man who deserves every obsessive feeling I have for you.”

  He seemed to wilt that much more. “Fuuuck. This isn’t right. You’re gonna kill me, Tish-Tosh. Actually, Nick’s gonna be the one to do the honors when he hears about this. Holy hell. Are you even aware of the sacred rule you’re about to make me break?” His hand landed on her waist and he squeezed as hope burst to life within her.

  The rule he was about to break? Could that mean…? Her thoughts splintered when he sent his hand traveling down over the curve of her hip. He swiped his thumb dangerously close to the crease where her torso met her leg, then he was coming back up to settle at her waist again. Holy shit. Were they really going here?

  “Yeah, fuck that. You’re not making me. I’m just a weak motherfucker who wants what he wants and is going to take it even though he knows goddamn well he shouldn’t. Tell me to leave. Tell me you changed your mind and want me gone, Tish. You gotta do it because I can’t.”

  “No. I don’t want you gone. Not ever.” As much as she hated hearing that undercurrent of self-disgust in his voice, she couldn’t do what he asked. It felt as if she’d been waiting her whole life for this moment, and she wasn’t about to throw it away.

  After a long minute of nothing but them breathing and her staring at the diamond shaped patch on his cut that labeled him judge and jury, she couldn’t stand it anymore. When she spoke, terrified she was going to spook him into fleeing, she made her voice as unobtrusive as possible. “Will we do this?”

  “Shh. Close that tempting mouth a little longer while I make a real effort to talk myself out of it.”

  The tension left her and she smiled when she heard her old Josh. But no way was she going to give him time to decide this wasn’t right for them when she knew damn well it was. So, feeling her nerves return, Tish, virgin that she was, attempted to seduce a man for the first time in her life. She went with instinct, rather than skill, and allowed her desire to lead.

  She turned her head and nuzzled her cheek into the hard pillow of his bicep. “Why are you fighting this, Josh? You don’t have to.” She hesitantly lifted the hem of his shirt and placed her hands flat on the hot, tight skin of his waist. She was glad he couldn’t see her because her eyes rolled so far back in her head she was pretty sure she caught a glimpse of her own ass. “I promise to listen and do everything just as you tell me. I’ll make it so good for you. You’ll never find a better student. A more enthusiastic one.” She couldn’t even hear him breathing anymore. “You might as well take what I’m offering because it’s already yours.”

  She stretched up to place a kiss on the underside of his jaw and then followed with a few more light touches of her lips until she reached his Adam’s apple. She was tempted to let her tongue out to play, so badly did she want to taste him, but she wasn’t brave enough.

  “I’m not asking for anything in return but some relief. I promise.” She fortified her nerve, then came out with the nastiest thing ever to leave her virgin lips. Never in a million years could she have imagined making such a confession to a man. But this was Josh. She pushed up onto her toes and waited until she felt his earlobe tickle her lips.

  “My pussy is hungry for you. And no matter how much I make myself come while thinking about you, I can never reach deep enough to satisfy that craving on my own.”

  A low growl came from his chest as a shudder rocked him. “You little bitch.” His fingers dug into her flesh. “You beautiful, teasing little bitch. You just fucked me. Goddamn you.” He came in to bury his face in her neck and sucked hard on the sensitive skin below her ear. He nipped at her with his sharp teeth. “No fuckin’ way am I walking away from this. Not when it’s you making the offer.”

  When he didn’t say anything more but sweetly ran the tip of his nose along her neck and jaw, her frustration peaked right along with her desire and she lightly scra
ped her nails across his abs, dabbling just above his belt buckle. She pulled away slightly so she could see him.

  “Tell me what you want me to do first,” she encouraged.

  He squeezed his eyes shut. “I can’t. That’ll scare you.”

  Down his hand went. He reached the outside of her thigh and forcefully gripped her. That didn’t scare her, she thought, as she fought the urge to thrust her hips forward.

  “Okay,” he said, as though having just decided on something. “I’m gonna make you come with my mouth and fingers, but I won’t fuck you.” He drew back and lifted his lids to look at her when she shivered so hard her teeth nearly chattered.

  “Yes, Josh,” she breathed, dying to begin. “Anything. You can do anything you want to me and I’ll like it.” Was it possible to be a whore and a virgin at the same time?

  “You gotta stop saying shit like that, babe.”

  The next thing she knew, her breasts were in his hands, and she was gasping as he squeezed, his palms abrading her stiffened peaks. She locked her knees to stop the tremble as her body went up in flames.

  “Sorry. Had to. Always been a breast man, and seeing these tight little nipples is driving me fuckin’ nuts.” He brought his hips in as he spoke and introduced Tish to what felt like a considerable erection when it ground into her navel. But what did she know? She’d never actually felt one before. He could have been monstrous, or he could have been totally average. She was just glad he had an erection, and that she’d given it to him.

  He worked his knee between her legs, snugging it right up tight. “Get out of goddamn jail and the first pussy I’m offered belongs to the one girl I shouldn’t fuckin’ touch. I swear God hates me.” His jaw ticked. “But the fuck I can turn my back on you.”

  She bit her lip when he caught her right nipple between his fingers and squeezed before bending and feeding it into his mouth. He sucked at her, soaking the thin fabric of her shirt.

  “Josh…” She was panting already, her heart slamming. Had she seriously been expecting a kiss on the lips first?