Home No More

by Leddy Harper

  “If that were true, you wouldn’t have come here.” He was no longer yelling, and that change in tone hurt more than anything. He truly sounded defeated. He really had given up on me—on us—and nothing had ever hurt more than that.

  I was frozen in place as I watched him peel away from the driveway. I could feel the tightness in my chest and the turning in my stomach. I couldn’t go back and face them after Link finishes telling them all my lies. They wouldn’t believe me no matter what I said. I had lied to them and that’s all they’d think about. Jack would point out that he was right about me all along. And I didn’t want to see the disappointment in Jeri’s eyes once she found out the truth about my baby.

  I was filled with hopelessness, fear, and abandonment. I was overcome with grief, pain, and sadness. I felt immensely empty inside as I fell to the grass on my knees and cried into my hands. If it weren’t for the growing life inside of me, I wouldn’t have had a reason to live. She kept me alive as I cried for everything I had lost.

  Arms wrapped around me and lifted me from the ground. I was immediately cradled against a solid chest and then felt as if I were floating. Nothing around me registered, I was too far gone to know what was happening to me. I hoped it was angels taking me away from earth and the pain I had felt. I wanted it to be my final journey away from the heartache and emptiness that encompassed me. There was a deep and gentle voice around me, and I prayed that it was God, welcoming me into his kingdom, but I knew that wasn’t the case. I wouldn’t have been welcomed there. After all I had done, the only place I was headed was fiery and hot. Hell would have been my final destination.

  I cried so hard I couldn’t catch my breath, and shortly after being carried away, everything went dark and cold. I didn’t know what was happening, all I knew was that I was no longer home. I had a home no more.

  I heard movement before I ever opened my eyes. I just laid there, listening to the sounds as I tried to figure out where I was. I knew I wasn’t home. My home had a distinctive smell, one the resembled Link, and I couldn’t smell him where I was. I also couldn’t smell Jeri’s cooking and knew I wasn’t there either. That’s when everything came rushing back to me. I didn’t have to open my eyes to know where I was. I was at Billy’s house.

  “It’s about time you woke up. I was about to call the hospital.”

  “How did you know I was awake?” I asked, finally looking up and seeing Billy sitting on the coffee table in front of me. He looked scared, but I didn’t know why.

  “I know you. I slept next to you for over a year, remember? Do you really think I could have forgotten how you sound when you’re asleep? What your breathing sounds like when you’re sleeping versus when you’re awake?”

  I closed my eyes again and took in a deep breath, trying to center myself.

  “If you really think I’m your sister, you should know you suck at acting like a brother.”

  He shook his head when I looked back to him. “How do you want me to be, Kendall?”

  “I want you to start off by calling me by my name.”

  In six months, I went from demanding not to be called Danielle, to correcting people when they didn’t. I couldn’t explain the change in heart I had about my name, but it ran bone deep. I knew without a doubt who I was, and it was Link that helped me see that. It was his confidence and time, his support and love that carried me through the confusion. Yet he was gone, and I was left alone to finish out the exploration of me. But I knew that had to start with making sure Billy knew my name.

  “I have always been in love with you, Danielle—” he stressed my name, “—so how would you like for me to act?” He seemed irritated.

  “I don’t know, but I’d like it if you picked an emotion and stuck with it. One minute you’re pissed and ready to fight, the next, you’re annoyed and I’m ready to fight. And don’t get me started on you acting like I’m the love of your life and then tell me how you think we’re related; that just really creeps me out and I don’t think I can handle that.”

  “Thinking about how you could be my sister sickens me, but it doesn’t take away the love I have for you. I can’t just make that go away. I can’t just turn that switch off.”

  “Do you still wanna fuck me?” I asked, baiting him.

  His face twisted and his eyes turned confused. “No. I don’t. I mean, I do, but that just makes me feel even sicker. I don’t know what you want me to tell you. All I know is that I love you and I can’t make that go away, no matter how hard I try. And trust me, I’ve tried. I still find you to be the most beautiful girl I’ve ever laid eyes on, even more so now that you’re pregnant. Are you saying that you don’t love me anymore now that there’s a possibility I’m your brother?”

  “I never said I didn’t love you anymore. But do I love you like I once did? No. But that doesn’t have anything to do with who my father is. That love began to diminish when you gave up on me. When I called and told you I was pregnant and you turned me away, telling me to kill my child. What love I had left for you after that was completely tarnished when I realized it wasn’t real.”

  “What do you mean, not real?” His anger was coming back and it made me wonder how I had ever put up with it before. How had I not gotten whiplash from his ever-changing mood swings? “So you let some boy in your pants and now you don’t think what we had was real?”

  “I was a kid, Billy. I didn’t know anything else. You were all I had and all I knew. I’m not saying that I didn’t love you because I did. I do. It’s just not what I thought it was back then. I thought I was in love with you, but I know now that I never was. I thought you were my beginning, my middle, and my end, but I’ve been able to see that you’re not.” I didn’t know where the strength came from to say all of that to him, but it felt relieving once it was out. I felt free from the binds that held me down for so long. At least I felt that way until I looked into his eyes again.

  “God, I really hope we’re not related,” he whispered.

  “Why? What difference would it make other than to the baby?”

  “It would give me the chance to prove you wrong.”

  His statement made me think of Link, and how badly I wanted to prove him wrong. I so desperately wanted to go to him and show him that he had it all backward, but I couldn’t. He made up his mind and my family would back him.

  It would be what I deserved after everything I had put them through. I refused to call Jeri my grandmother for so long, and gave her such a hard time about making me stay with her. I didn’t make therapy easy, or the journey into finding myself. But I did find myself. I eventually gave up on the fight and found solace in being who I was meant to be. I got to the point where I did see Jeri as my grandmother and even Jack as my uncle. They were family. But I had just lost it all on an impulsive decision to make Billy take responsibility. And he still hadn’t done that.

  “Well, it looks like I have nowhere else to go, so maybe you’ll get that chance after all.”

  He smiled and moved to sit next to me on the couch.

  “But we need to find out if John really was my father. There has to be another way to find out, other than testing our blood or waiting for the baby to be born.”

  “Does she have a name?” He placed his hand over my abdomen and my body turned rigid. He looked into my eyes and I saw the tiny golden flecks within the brown that made them shine when he was happy. I couldn’t understand how he was happy with everything going on, but he was. With his hand moving in a circular motion over my little girl’s safe haven, he looked happy and content.

  “Link and I talked about a few names, but we hadn’t decided on one yet.”

  “Good, because I don’t want him to have anything to do with my kid.”

  That made me sad all over again. It didn’t matter what I wanted or what Billy wanted, it was ultimately up to Link, and he made his decision. He had already made up his mind that he didn’t want me or my daughter anymore. I felt a tear escape my eye and roll to my cheek.


  Billy reached over and brushed it off, making me look at him.

  “I know I hurt you, but I didn’t know what else to do. I never wanted to tell you to have an abortion. I never wanted to tell you to never come back here, but I didn’t have a choice. No matter what you say, I know you love me as much as I love you, and if we find out we are not related, then I will do everything in my power to prove that much to you,” he said with his hand still caressing my face.

  “You were so convinced then and when I got here that I’m your sister, but now you sound like you don’t believe it. Make up your mind, Billy. Which one is it?”

  “It wasn’t that I was convinced one way or another. I knew there was a possibility and the thought of that made me sick. I knew if I told you, you would want the truth. As much as I want the same thing, I don’t think I can handle it if we find out that John really was your father. I can’t handle knowing that I fucked my sister. And I know you wouldn’t be able to handle that either. So I didn’t want to take the chance on finding out and just cut my ties with you. In the event we are related, I didn’t want you to have the baby and have something wrong with it. I know you don’t agree with my choice, but it was mine to make. I just wanted to protect you.”

  “You did a piss poor job at it. You broke my heart, and you nearly broke me.” That much was true. He had nearly broken me, but he didn’t succeed in it because I had Link to keep me together. Watching Link drive away that day made me see what it really felt like to be truly broken. I knew unequivocally what a broken heart felt like, and even though Billy had broken my heart at one time, it was still mendable. After Link had left me, I knew there was no fixing the ache in my chest. My heart wasn’t only broken, it was shattered into such tiny pieces, there was no putting it back together again.

  He started to say Kendall, but corrected himself at the last second. “Danielle, my heart was broken, too. I was broken. All I wanted was you, and knowing I wouldn’t ever have that again nearly killed me. But being the one to end it, and saying what I needed to was the thing that actually killed me. It tore me apart and I haven’t been the same since.”

  “You didn’t have to do that!” I found my anger, that tiny voice that had been silent for so long came back to life and reared its ugly head. “You could’ve been honest with me. You could have told me the truth. But you didn’t. Instead, you made me feel as if you viewed me as an unfit mother. You made me think the thought of having a baby with me disgusted you. I felt like the only person I had ever loved no longer loved me. John loved me and then he died. You loved me, and then you gave up on us. I didn’t feel worthy of love. And you did that!”

  “That wasn’t how it was.”

  “It doesn’t matter! I didn’t know what it really was because you never told me! You knew the truth and kept me from it. You allowed me to feel that way, and to me, that’s even worse. You knew I had to have been in pain from what you did, yet you didn’t fix it or even try to. You just left me believing you didn’t love me or this baby.”

  “I’m telling you the truth now.”

  “A little too late on that one. I know that my love for you wasn’t real because I was able to love Link. What we had was so much more than what you and I had. He treated me the way you should have and loved me the way I deserved. He picked me up off the floor after what you did to me. He made me whole again. But because of you, I have now lost that, too. I am clearly unlovable because everyone I love ends up leaving me for one reason or another.” I began to cry so hard I couldn’t see past the salty tears that were being expelled from my eyes at the pace of a flooding river. Then a thought occurred to me. “All you ever do is hurt me. Even if it’s not directly you, it’s because of you. It’s because of my inability to just walk away from you and let you be.”

  “That’s because you love me, Danielle. I know you do.”

  “No, it’s not because of that. It’s because I didn’t know anything else. You were my everything because I had nothing. But when I truly had nothing, it was Link that gave me everything. You destroyed me and he saved me. But because of this hatred inside of me for you, I came back here. I didn’t come back to beg for your forgiveness. I came back to make you see. I wanted you to see what all you gave up. I needed for you to see me the way I do when I look in the mirror—or the way I did before this morning.

  “I was broken when I first got there. I was a miserable person that hated everyone. But after you, I turned into someone I never thought I could be. I was happy and I wanted you to see that. I wanted you to acknowledge the fact that I was happy and well and you had no part in that. I wanted to show you that I survived you.”

  “You were happy when you were with me,” he argued.

  “No. I was content. I was complacent. I wasn’t happy. There was an entire world out there that I never knew. John kept me isolated for so long that I think I grew scared of finding it, scared of going out in that world because he always told me how scary it was. You never kept me hidden, but by that point, that was my norm. I didn’t know anything else and didn’t care to know it. But after leaving this place, I realized I was just as much a prisoner here as I was with John. It was just of my own doings.”

  “Then why blame me if it was your decision?”

  “Because you could’ve done something about it. You could have and should have seen that in me and changed it. Link did. He saw me for what I was, a scared little girl. I may have put on this persona of being an angry teenager with a strong backbone and full of confidence, but he saw through that. He made me who I am today. He made me see the mask I was wearing and helped me remove it.”

  Billy shook his head and ran his fingers through his hair. “Listen to yourself. It was my fault you were sheltered. It was because of me you didn’t have anything. It was him that changed you. What have you done, Danielle? Huh? All you’ve done is assign blame or credit to those around you for your behavior and actions, for your feelings and fears and happiness. But what about you? What have you done? I didn’t keep you under lock and key. If my memory serves me correctly, I let you use the car to go where you needed to go. So your theory of me keeping you from the world is a lie. You say this other guy gave you confidence as if it were wrapped in a box and he just handed it to you. What’s your part in it all?”

  I had no words. There was no rebuttal to what he was saying. He was right. It made me think of Dr. Montage and how she taught me to take responsibility for my own actions. I gave Link credit for making me a better person, which he did, but I also deserved some of that credit. I blamed Billy for my feelings of inadequacy and fear, when really, I was the one with sole responsibility for it.

  “I think I need to lie down,” I stated with no emotion in my voice.

  “Come on, you can have my bed.”

  “I’m not sleeping in your bed.” Even if I didn’t feel for him the way I once did, I still couldn’t sleep on the same sheets he shared with other women. It wasn’t jealousy, but more of a disturbed feeling.

  “I’ll change the sheets. I’m not letting you sleep on the couch. And then I’ll make you something to eat. I hope you don’t mind frozen dinners.” He laughed at his own joke, even though I knew it probably wasn’t a joke. He was never very good at cooking.

  After he had walked away, I pulled my phone from my coat pocket, hoping to find something from Link. But there wasn’t. I didn’t even have anything from Jeri either. I was for sure she’d at least call, or even Jack for that matter. But I didn’t have anything. No missed call, text, or even a fucking email. It was like my absence meant nothing to them and I felt another piece of me die.

  I pulled up Facebook and looked at Link’s page. I decided on writing him a message.

  Dear Lincoln,

  I can’t really explain to you why I came here this morning. I can’t explain because I don’t even know for myself. The reasons I had come up with don’t make any sense and won’t mean anything to you. But I can tell you that I didn’t come here for Billy. I came to see him,
yes, but not for the reasons you think. I honestly was on my way home to you when you showed up. I love you, with everything I have in me. I didn’t lie when I told you I’m in love with you. I may be young, and there’s a possibility that I don’t know what love really means, but I do know that I can’t imagine a love more than what I feel for you. There can’t possibly be something greater than my feelings for you. I understand that you need time, and as hard as it is for me to give that to you, it’s all I have to give. So, please take your time. I’m not giving up. I’m yours now and for always. I belong to you and so does our daughter.

  I love you more than I could ever express. XX- Danielle

  I woke long before Billy did and found his computer on his dresser. I opened it and began to research different ways of proving paternity without a blood test. Among some really absurd suggestions, I found a few things that could help. I waited until he was awake before going over what I found with him.

  “I don’t understand how this will prove paternity,” he said, half asleep on the couch.

  “It won’t prove it, but it could disprove it. I know my blood type, all I need to do is find out John’s and my mother’s. It could give us no answers, but there’s a possibility that it could tell us whether or not John fathered me. And that small chance is enough to at least try.”

  “You’ll have to explain this to me again. I don’t understand.”

  “Okay, so if I know my blood type and my mothers, then I would know what blood type my father has to have. It only serves the purpose of eliminating someone. And like I said, his blood type could be on the list as one of the ones that could prove paternity, but it doesn’t mean that he is my father and we’d be back to where we are. But, in the event his type doesn’t match the list of possible paternal types, then that would mean he didn’t father me and we’d have our answer.”

  “I still don’t understand what that means.”

  “Just tell me what John’s blood type was and I’ll do the rest.”