Lost Angel

by Mandasue Heller

  ‘Are the police likely to come here?’ he asked, sliding it into his dressing-gown pocket.

  ‘No.’ Johnny shook his head and headed for the door.

  He figured that Ryan’s dad was too shit-scared to grass him up. And he doubted whether the mother would say anything after what she’d seen him do to her son. But, just in case, he didn’t need to be caught with the gun.

  ‘We’ll look after Ryan,’ Dave assured Johnny as he showed him out. ‘You just take it easy, yeah?’

  Johnny nodded, waved, and climbed into his car.

  Ruth and Rita were sitting in the kitchen when Johnny and Angel walked in a short time later. The ever-present bottle of whisky was on the table between the two women.

  ‘Oh, so he found you, did he?’ Rita started as soon as she saw her granddaughter. ‘And I hope he gave you what for, you selfish little cow. Have you any idea how worried your mother’s been?’

  ‘Shut it,’ Johnny snapped, glaring at her. ‘And if you’re going to start’ – he turned on Ruth – ‘don’t, ’cos I’ve had enough shit for one night.’

  ‘Is everything all right?’ Ruth asked, wisely keeping her own angry words to herself. ‘Where was she?’

  ‘She’d best not have been with that black boy again,’ Rita said scathingly. ‘You can’t trust them an inch.’

  Johnny glared at her and she held up her hands and made a zipping gesture across her mouth before reaching for the whisky to refill her glass.

  ‘Where was she?’ Ruth asked again. ‘She wasn’t with him, was she?’

  ‘No, she was at my mother’s,’ Johnny told her.

  ‘What?’ Ruth gaped at him in confusion. ‘How? She’s never even met her. Has she?’ she asked now, suspicion sparking in her eyes. ‘You haven’t been taking her round there behind my back all this time, have you?’

  ‘Have I hell,’ Johnny snapped. ‘I haven’t seen my mum in years, you know that.’

  ‘So how did she know where to go?’ Ruth turned to Angel now. ‘Well? How long have you been sneaking round there?’

  ‘It was the first time,’ Angel told her truthfully. ‘And the last,’ she added plaintively.

  ‘Too right.’ Johnny put his arm around her.

  ‘What’s going on?’ Ruth demanded. ‘Has something happened?’

  ‘Later,’ said Johnny. ‘Let’s just go to bed. It’s been a long day, and we’re all wiped.’

  ‘Oh, I see, so she gets off scot-free again, does she?’ Rita scowled in disapproval. ‘Gets herself knocked up at fifteen, then runs off like a dirty little tearaway, leaving me and her mum’s nerves in tatters. But she gets to go to bed like nothing’s happened? What kind of punishment is that?’

  ‘What do you want me to do to her?’ Johnny demanded. ‘Beat the shit out of her? Would that make you happy?’

  ‘No, I’m not saying that,’ Rita grumbled. ‘But, if you ask me, you’re to blame for this. If you’d been harder on her from the start instead of treating her like a precious little baby she’d have known to behave herself.’

  ‘Like anyone would take parenting advice from you, after the mess you made of bringing up your daughter.’

  ‘Excuse me . . . I’ll have you know there’s nothing wrong with our Ruth.’

  ‘Oh yeah? So how come she was so desperate to get away from you if you’re such a good mother?’

  ‘She’s lived with me her entire life.’

  ‘Only ’cos she can’t shake you off. Even when we had our own place we couldn’t get away from you. You were there all the time, sticking your beak in, trying to control her.’

  ‘That’s rich, coming from you. The man who can’t stand to spend time with his own wife.’

  ‘Stop it,’ Angel begged. ‘Everyone’s always arguing in this house, and I’m sick of it.’

  ‘Me, too,’ Johnny agreed. ‘Come on – bed. We’ve got a lot to talk about tomorrow.’

  ‘With Ryan?’ Angel asked, gazing up at him. ‘You’re still going to let me see him, aren’t you? You promised.’

  ‘What’s this?’ Ruth frowned.

  ‘I’m keeping the baby,’ Angel told her, her chin raised.

  ‘Oh no, you’re not,’ Ruth shot back. ‘Have you told her she can?’ she asked Johnny now.

  ‘I’ve said we’ll talk about it,’ he told her.

  ‘See!’ Rita piped up scornfully. ‘Soft as shit. She blubs, he crumbles.’

  ‘This has got nothing to do with you,’ Johnny said angrily. ‘This is my family, and I’ll decide what’s best for them – so keep your nose out and your nasty opinions to yourself.’

  ‘Johnny, I want to talk to you.’ Ruth rushed after him when he led Angel out of the room. ‘You can’t just decide something like this without consulting me. I’m her mother.’

  ‘You decided to arrange the abortion without consulting me,’ Johnny reminded her as he gestured at Angel to go up the stairs. ‘And she doesn’t want to do it, so we’re not forcing her.’

  ‘She’s fifteen,’ Ruth squawked. ‘She can’t have a baby at fifteen.’

  ‘She’ll be sixteen by the time she has it,’ Johnny said calmly. ‘If she has it,’ he added. ‘Nothing’s decided yet, so stop freaking out. We’ll talk about it tomorrow.’

  He walked up the stairs now, leaving Ruth angrily grinding her teeth in the hall below.

  32

  Ryan’s face was a mess and he was aching all over when Johnny picked him up in the morning. He climbed slowly out of the car when they reached Johnny’s house and held his ribs gingerly as he followed him inside.

  Angel was sitting in the kitchen with her mum and nan. She leapt up when she saw Ryan and ran to him.

  ‘Are you all right? You look terrible.’

  ‘I’m cool,’ he told her, moving his arm to hug her but thinking better of it when he saw that the women were already glaring at him. ‘Hello.’ He nodded at them politely.

  ‘This is Ryan.’ Johnny introduced him. ‘Put the kettle on, Ruth. He needs to take some painkillers.’

  ‘Did you do that?’ Rita asked, nodding towards the boy.

  ‘No.’ Johnny shook his head and shrugged his jacket off.

  ‘Should have,’ she muttered. ‘My Frankie would have. But he was a real man.’

  ‘Your Frankie barely touched me when I was in this same situation,’ Johnny reminded her. ‘And if you’re going to start opening your big gob before we’ve even started, you can piss off out of it.’

  Ruth made a pot of tea and carried it and five cups over to the table on a tray. She laid it down, took her seat and poured, taking a surreptitious peek at Ryan from under her lashes as she did so. This was the first time she’d actually clapped eyes on the boy, but even with the terrible bruising and swelling marring his face she could see that he was very good-looking. He also had good manners and a pleasant air about him, so she could see why Angel had fallen for him. And it was easy to see from the way the boy was looking at Angel that he felt the same. But Ruth was determined that they still couldn’t have this baby.

  Johnny lit a cigarette and offered one to Ryan.

  ‘Oh, well, that says it all, doesn’t it?’ Rita said scornfully. ‘Right pair of old pals, aren’t you? Why don’t you just go the whole hog and ask him to move in?’

  Johnny ignored her and turned to Ryan.

  ‘Right, son, let’s kick off by laying our cards on the table. I take it Angel told you what was going on when you and her were in the car last night?’

  ‘Yeah.’ Ryan nodded. He wanted to add that he was absolutely ecstatic, but he thought it wiser to keep his feelings under wraps for the time being, and hear what the Hyneses had to say.

  ‘Here’s the problem,’ Johnny went on. ‘She’s only fifteen, and we think that’s too young.’

  ‘I’m not,’ Angel blurted out. ‘I’ll be a really good mum.’ She stroked her stomach. ‘I already love it.’

  Ruth inhaled sharply and gazed down at her cup. Those were almost the exact words that she had
said in this same room twenty years ago. But it had been Johnny in the firing line that time and her dad holding the metaphorical shotgun to his head.

  ‘I said we’ll talk about it, and we will,’ Johnny told Angel. ‘But that doesn’t mean we’re just going to say yes because you want us to. There are loads of things to take into consideration before we make any kind of decision.’

  ‘I’ve already decided.’ Angel raised her chin. ‘And your mum said the doctor won’t do it if I tell them I don’t want to, so you can’t make me.’

  ‘My mother had no right to get involved,’ Johnny replied through gritted teeth. ‘And I don’t want to hear her name in this house again. You got that?’

  Angel was sorry that she’d mentioned her other nan, because she hadn’t wanted to upset her dad. But this was her baby they were talking about, and she would have her say – whether they liked it or not.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ she told Johnny repentantly. ‘I know you’re trying to do your best by me, but I’d never forgive myself if I let you hurt my baby. And I’d never forgive you, either. If you try to force me, I’ll run away and you’ll never see me again.’

  ‘Stop being such a drama queen,’ Rita scoffed.

  ‘I mean it,’ Angel said quietly.

  Johnny gazed into his daughter’s eyes and knew that she did.

  ‘Can I say something?’ Ryan asked.

  Johnny jerked his chin up at him. ‘Go ahead.’

  ‘I totally get why you’re so against this,’ Ryan started nervously, ‘’cos I wouldn’t want someone like me anywhere near my daughter. I’ve already told you how sorry I am, and if I could turn back time it wouldn’t have happened.’

  ‘I don’t regret it,’ Angel interrupted, pain in her eyes as she stared at him. ‘I love you, and I thought you loved me.’

  ‘I do,’ Ryan assured her. ‘And I’m not saying I regret it – not the way you think I mean it, anyhow. I just went about it the wrong way.’ He looked Johnny in the eye now. ‘I should have come to you first, Mr C; asked if it was all right to take her out. But I messed up, and I’m sorry.’

  ‘Too right you messed up,’ Rita chipped in sharply. ‘But you can save your apologies, ’cos we ain’t interested.’

  ‘Mother, keep out of it,’ Ruth said quietly. ‘This is between Johnny and the boy.’

  ‘Not what you said when it was him and your dad,’ Rita grumbled. ‘You had plenty to say back then, as I remember.’

  Ruth could have reminded her mother that she hadn’t even been in the room when Ruth, her dad and Johnny had had this same conversation, and had only come in at the very end. But she couldn’t be bothered, so she gave a dismissive wave of her hand instead.

  ‘I am sorry,’ Ryan repeated sincerely. ‘But I’m not sorry I met Angel, because she’s the most special girl in the whole world, and I love her.’

  Johnny sighed. ‘I know you think you do, son, but you’re both too young to know what love is really about.’

  ‘Trust me, I know,’ Ryan told him with certainty. ‘But I still get why you’re not happy about it, so I’m not going to sit here and say it’s going to be easy, ’cos I know it won’t. All I want is a chance to prove that I can be a good dad to my kid. I’m not earning a lot right now, but I can get more hours. Or I’ll get another job – whatever it takes.’

  As Johnny listened, he remembered what he had said when Ruth had got pregnant that first time. He’d sat at this table and offered to hand over whatever was left over from his dole money after he’d sorted himself out, as if a couple of piddling quid a week was sufficient. And if Frankie had let him, he’d have walked away without looking back. But here was the boy, talking about taking on an extra job to pay for his baby, and that put him to shame.

  ‘I’ll take care of Angel, as well,’ Ryan said now. ‘When you think she’d old enough.’

  Johnny frowned. ‘I hope you haven’t got any stupid ideas about moving her into that house of yours, ’cos I’m telling you now, it ain’t happening.’

  ‘God, no, of course not,’ Ryan agreed. ‘I’m gonna save up and get us a decent place.’

  ‘Don’t be so ridiculous,’ Rita butted in. ‘You’ve only known each other a few weeks, and her grandad would turn in his grave if he thought she was living in sin. No.’ She shook her head and folded her arms. ‘If they’re going to be stupid enough to let her have this baby, you’ll make an honest woman of her or sling your hook.’

  ‘Will you just keep your nose out?’ Ruth snapped. ‘She’s too young to get married.’

  ‘She’ll be old enough in a couple of weeks, so long as you give your consent,’ Rita pointed out. ‘Or do you want her bringing shame on us with a bastard baby?’

  ‘No one’s marrying anyone,’ Johnny said quietly, remembering how suicidal he’d felt when he’d been forced to marry Ruth.

  ‘I’d love to marry Angel,’ Ryan told him. ‘I just didn’t think you’d want me to.’

  Johnny looked at him closely. ‘You mean that, don’t you?’

  ‘More than I’ve ever meant anything,’ Ryan answered sincerely. ‘I know it’s going to take time for you to trust me, but I’ll wait however long I have to.’

  Angel looked at Ryan with tears in her eyes. ‘You don’t have to go that far. I’d never try and force you to do something like that.’

  ‘I want to,’ he insisted. ‘It’s all I’ve been thinking about since I heard about the baby.’

  ‘I need to go to work.’ Johnny stood up. ‘We’ll talk about this again when we’ve all had a chance to get our heads around it.’ He jerked his chin at Ryan. ‘Do you want dropping back at Dave’s? They said you’re welcome to stay a few more nights.’

  ‘Nah, I’d best go home.’

  ‘Are you sure that’s a good idea?’

  ‘Don’t worry, I won’t be staying,’ Ryan assured him as he got up carefully. ‘I’m just going to grab some stuff and go to my mate’s till I get somewhere else sorted.’

  Johnny nodded and slipped his jacket back on.

  Ryan held out his hand. ‘Thanks, Mr C. I really appreciate you letting me come round to talk. I know how hard it must have been after I disrespected you like that.’

  ‘It’s not over yet,’ Johnny told him, picking up his keys. ‘There’s loads still needs sorting out. But in the meantime you’d best hurry up and get better so you can come back to work.’

  ‘For real?’

  Johnny shrugged. ‘If she’s as dead set on keeping the baby as I reckon she is, you’re going to need every penny you can get. It’s not cheap being a dad, you know.’

  Ryan grinned widely and said goodbye to a disapproving Ruth and Rita before he followed Johnny out.

  Angel went after him, and put her arms around him on the doorstep. ‘Sorry,’ she apologised when he winced. ‘I just love you so much.’

  Ryan smiled his special dimply smile and whispered, ‘Love you, too, baby girl.’

  33

  Ryan was walking on air. He’d moved in with his mate Tommy the morning after the fight with his dad and life was just getting better and better.

  After a few more talks round at their house, Johnny had decided to let Angel have the baby and he’d then given his blessing for them to get married. So, when they invited him round for dinner on Angel’s sixteenth birthday, Ryan had got down on one knee and proposed properly.

  Johnny had known that he was going to do it and had offered to help him buy the ring, but Ryan had insisted on using the money he had earned and saved – which wasn’t much, so it was the tiniest diamond in the world that he presented to Angel. But she loved it nonetheless.

  Now that they had Johnny’s blessing, and Ruth’s reluctant acceptance, the wedding was booked for three weeks later – almost the exact same length of time as it had taken for Ruth and Johnny to get married after their wedding date had been decided. But, unlike their glitzy ceremony and celebration, Angel and Ryan had decided on a low-key affair in the registry office, with just close family and frien
ds in attendance. And they’d opted to come back to the house for the reception instead of splashing out on a fancy venue, despite Johnny having assured them that he would be picking up the tab so they could have whatever they wanted.

  ‘It’s about us being together and making our vows,’ they had told Johnny. ‘And we don’t need to put on a show for the rest of the world to do that.’

  As preparations got under way back at the house, Johnny kept Ryan busy down at the yard. Like Frankie before him, he was determined to include the boy in the day-to-day running of the business – not only to give him and therefore Angel and their unborn child a good financial start in life but also to ensure that Ryan would be equipped to pick up the reins when the time eventually came for Johnny to hand them over.

  Ryan was more than up for the challenge. No job was too big, too small or too dirty for him, which impressed both Johnny and Dave. And his good manners and amiable personality made him a natural for sales, so it wasn’t long before Johnny set him to work alongside Tony, their only other regular salesman.

  Ryan threw himself into his new career with a vengeance, not only to repay Johnny’s faith in him but also because it kept him from fretting about his mam. It killed him not being able to see her and the kids, but his dad had banned him from going anywhere near them or the house and he knew that it would only make matters worse for them if he ignored the order. They still had to live with the bastard, after all.

  In the back of his mind he couldn’t help but wonder why his mam hadn’t come looking for him during this time. She was a grown woman, so she could have if she’d wanted to. But she hadn’t, so she obviously didn’t. And that hurt. But there was nothing to gain by letting it eat him up, because, no matter what his dad did to her or the kids, she stuck blindly by him.

  Still, despite all that, Ryan couldn’t bring himself to get married without at least telling her and giving her the option of coming along. So, a week before the big day, he swallowed his pride and rang her.