On 4/19 (On 4/19 and Beyond 4/20)

by Lisa Heaton

  “Good morning.” He’d turned to find her there staring into space, or maybe at him. Looking much more like his Chelsea, with no make-up and in her pajamas, he smiled at her. “You look like you again.”

  She knew what he meant. What she wore the previous night was not her at all. It never had been. As much as John loved to buy her designer dresses and jewelry, it was never something she felt comfortable in. Always, she felt like an imposter or like a little girl playing dress up.

  Sitting on a stool at the island, she took the cup of coffee he offered. Sipping, she said, “Good job on the coffee.”

  He winked at her and scraped eggs onto her plate. She had no bacon or sausage, so he had to make do with cutting up deli ham into the scrambled eggs. Adding toast to her plate, he slid the jelly over to her. “Breakfast is served.” For a split second, he considered that their lives together could’ve looked just like that, him making breakfast while she watched. It was a sad thought, one he wished hadn’t come to mind.

  “I should have known you’d be up so early.” She tried to stir up neutral conversation.

  “It’s nearly seven. Who sleeps this late?”

  “Someone who stays up until midnight.”

  Pointing to the refrigerator, Tuck asked, “What’s the deal?”

  Looking at the note, Chelsea shook her head, indicating it was nothing.

  “What does it mean, you expire?” Since walking into the kitchen he’d tried to figure it out. Twice, he stood before the note, wondering how people expire, as if they were a jug of milk.

  “It’s nothing.” Standing, Chelsea went to the refrigerator to get the creamer. When she closed the door, she stood for a second looking at it. It had become such a part of the kitchen that she didn’t dwell on it every day as was its intended purpose. It somehow began to fade into the periphery.

  “It’s something.” Moving nearer, he wondered aloud, “Have you made some sort of deal with him?”

  Resting her head on the cool steel of the refrigerator, she sighed and admitted, “Something like that.”

  “You’re his until April. That’s the deal?”

  She only nodded, tears pooling in her eyes.

  Gently, he turned her around to look at him. “That’s not right. You deserve better than that.” Seeing that she was on the verge of tears, his immediate thought was to go and find the guy, to knock his teeth down his throat. “Chelsea, you’re the grand prize. How could anyone let go of that?”

  Chelsea looked at Tuck as if to ask, really, you are saying that to me?

  “I messed up, but I never let go.” Lowering his head, he added, “Never.”

  Worried about what he might do with such information, she said, “You can’t tell my family, not even Bobby.” When he looked back at her, his face was hard to read. There seemed to be a mixture of anger and sadness in his eyes. Finally she pleaded, “Promise.”

  “I’ll never tell.” Tuck was furious that Chelsea was somehow taken in and persuaded to agree to such an arrangement. She was sad certainly, maybe even a bit embarrassed. “What have you agreed to?”

  “Not what you think.”

  Waving his arms around, he asked, “So he does all this for you with no payoff?” He could hardly believe that.

  “Yes. Believe it or not, we’ve never slept together. I still have never…” As she began to explain, she suddenly recalled that it wasn’t any of his business. Who was he to waltz in and demand answers from her? “Look, I know how odd this may seem to you, but it works for us. We have a good thing together.” From there, she assured him she didn’t want to talk about it anymore.

  For the most part, breakfast was quiet. She sensed he had something else to say, something more than about her relationship with John. But he was putting it off. At one point, in order to break the uncomfortable silence, she explained that she couldn’t miss class, apologizing that she wouldn’t be able to spend the entire morning with him. He seemed to understand. Again they were quiet. It was becoming quite unnerving. As long as they’d known each other, there had never been such an awkward silence between them. Finally, Chelsea said, “Whatever you came to say, just say it.”

  Resting his fork on the side of his plate, Tuck sighed heavily and looked away for a minute. Rubbing the back of his neck, he looked back at her and took several deep breaths before finding the nerve to say, “We both know I have no right to ask anything of you. But I’m asking anyway. Please come home after graduation. Give me a chance to make you love me again.” He reached out and touched her cheek. “It was always supposed to be me. You know that.”

  Allowing his words to sink in, Chelsea could only agree with them. It was supposed to be him. From the very beginning she knew it. But what happened with Lindsey derailed the course of both of their lives. Reaching for his hand, she said, “Tuck…” Trying to find words that wouldn’t hurt him, she decided being honest was best. “I’m in love with John. Even though I know we have no future, I love him anyway. That’s not going to go away.”

  Nodding, he smiled wearily. Shrugging, he admitted, “I had to give it a shot.”

  Chelsea leaned over and slid her arms around his neck. “I’m glad you gave it a shot. It’s been way too long since we’ve talked, and I’ve missed you.”

  He wrapped his arms tightly around her, and held her, wishing he never had to let her go again. To hear her say that she was in love with the guy momentarily dazed him. He’d suspected certainly, but hated to hear the words out loud. That should be something that would drain his newfound reservoir of hope, but it didn’t. Instead, her words from the night before came to mind. They’d never marry. And from where he was sitting, he could see the reminder on the refrigerator; they expired on 4/19. All he had to do was wait it out and pray. After five years of waiting, what were a few more months?

  When Chelsea left for school, Tuck insisted on leaving at the same time. He assured her he would wait at the airport for his flight. As they hugged goodbye, he held on for a very long time, and for just a moment, she suspected he might be crying. So she allowed him to hold her for as long as he needed. Since then, and all throughout the morning, she could hardly get him off her mind. He was heartbroken, reminding her of all those years ago when, together, they made the most difficult decision of their lives. They both cried, he as much, if not more so than her. Certainly he never regretted the decision, but still, because of it, he lost what they once had. Even after all those years, it was something that could never be undone. As much as she thought she was over it, saying goodbye to Tuck carried with it a sense of loss reminiscent of their past goodbye. Surprisingly, part of her wanted to hold on, too.

  After her last class, Chelsea texted John: Malibu? It was Friday, and often they drove out to the beach for the weekend. He had an amazing house there, a place they could be alone and away from the city. Of all the places they traveled together, with the exception of being with their families, Malibu was her favorite place to be with him. He was at his most relaxed there. Often, he would leave his phone in his bedroom and literally unplug for two days.

  John glanced at his phone and then set it back on the desk. For a moment, he simply sat and stared at it. Whoever was in town didn’t stay long, which gave him a great deal of relief. The fact that she never said who was there stayed on his mind, though. His mind played tricks on him, causing him to wonder if there was someone else. Once, on his way to the office, he decided to stop by her place and see for himself who was there. Then he realized how ridiculous the idea was and drove on past the entrance of her complex. Throughout the day, he waited for a better explanation than just company from back home. None ever came, and he eventually became pretty hurt over it.

  Ultimately deciding he didn’t care if she ever told him, only that he could be with her for the weekend, he texted back, saying: Will pick you up in 30.

  During the drive, he noticed she was quieter than usual. Clearly, something was on her mind. She didn’t seem at all upset or anxious, as a matter of fac
t, when he did turn to look at her, what he found was a co-ed, dressed in a hoodie and jeans, blowing bubbles with her gum, looking as relaxed as could be. Times like those, he remembered just how young she was, and oddly enough, felt the deepest sense of appreciation for her. The night before, with her dressed so formally, she was like another person altogether. This was the real Chelsea, though, the one he’d fallen in love with. She was real and genuine, everything he could want in a woman. Without question, he would never find another like her; he had no intention of ever trying.

  When they arrived, they put their bags in their rooms and went out for a walk. It was chilly, but Chelsea wanted to talk. For some reason, the idea of unburdening herself beside the ocean seemed right. John had asked her several times if she was all right, commenting on how quiet she was. During the ride, she couldn’t bring herself to tell him about Tuck’s visit since she knew that their story would naturally follow. She needed to be in a peaceful place to tell him, not in Friday afternoon traffic.

  Walking hand in hand, Chelsea finally said, “His name is Tuck.”

  Giving her hand a gentle squeeze, he asked, “Was that who visited last night?”

  “Yes.” For a few seconds more she was quiet. Finally, when she began, the entire story came tumbling out. “We were friends from the time we were little kids all the way through high school. He lived just down the road from us.” Smiling she added, “He still does. He’s a couple of years younger than Bobby, but they were best friends growing up. All those years, there was nothing between us more than friendship, but when I was a sophomore and he was a junior, something new began to surface between us. At first, we kept it from Bobby. Bobby was always so overprotective of me.”

  John grinned, knowing that full well.

  “We knew early on that we would end up married. It just made sense. We had everything in common, liked and disliked all the same things, as if we were one person. We had the most incredible relationship you can imagine, at least until he went away to college.” She stopped walking and looked out at the water. Already Chelsea could feel a knot forming in the pit of her stomach. Recalling how devastated she was by his betrayal she could still hardly believe it played out as it did. There was confession and forgiveness, but then everything fell apart.

  She began to walk again. “When he came home for Thanksgiving, I knew immediately something was wrong. He wasn’t distant exactly, but there was something in the way he looked at me, like he had a tragic secret. I just knew.”

  When Chelsea sighed, John wrapped his arm around her and pulled her nearer as they walked. She leaned her head on his shoulder.

  “He finally admitted he’d been with another girl. We had decided to wait until we married, so she was his first. Her friend was dating his roommate, and obviously one thing led to another. I had no doubt he regretted it, and to be honest, I believed him when he said it would never happen again. He didn’t have to tell me; he chose to, and because he was honest with me, I chose to forgive him. He was so broken, so full of genuine remorse.” In her mind she could see Tuck and how he begged her to give him another chance. Up until that point, she’d never seen a man so broken. Little did she know his greatest sorrow was yet to come.

  “Two weeks later, he showed up at my house unexpectedly. When he returned to school after Thanksgiving break, the girl, Lindsey, told him she was pregnant.” Stopping, she suggested, “Maybe we should turn back.” They did so.

  “Anyway, we discussed it, and I was willing to stay with him even after what he’d done. I loved him that much, and I knew it was just a stupid mistake. He wasn’t like that.” Whispering, she repeated, “He wasn’t.” Hesitating, she looked up at John and added, “You don’t just stop loving someone because they hurt you. I would have overlooked almost anything to be with him.” For a moment they walked in silence, Chelsea, lost in the past, wondering once again what might have been. Feeling John’s hand around hers, all she felt at that moment was gratitude. For the first time, she could finally see the good that came from such loss. She would never have met John had Tuck not gotten Lindsey pregnant.

  Beginning again, she admitted, “We knew it would mean having his child with us part time. Because of the kind of guy he is, he would never have turned his back on Lindsey. I never would have asked him to. No matter what, he was prepared to take care of the baby financially and be the best father he could be under the circumstances.

  “When he came home for Christmas, though, he was devastated. Lindsey threatened that if he didn’t marry her, she’d have an abortion. He had no doubt she would go through with it. You can’t imagine how he struggled with that decision. For hours on end we talked. We cried and prayed. Ultimately, together, we decided he would have to marry her, even though we knew what that would mean for us. It was the death of our future.

  “They both dropped out of school and moved back to his parent’s farm. That was when my granddaddy convinced me that leaving town, getting as far away from Tuck as possible, would be the best thing for me. He was right. So I came here.”

  As long as he’d known Chelsea, John wondered. For her to move across the country to run from it, he knew it must have been heartbreaking. But he never figured it would be a story that would make him feel half-sorry for the guy. One stupid decision and he lost Chelsea for good.

  The words for good caused him to deliberate. If Tuck traveled to see her, he was obviously no longer with Lindsey. Since Chelsea had already said she would be moving back home after graduation, John had to wonder if there was a chance for them. What a remarkable ending they might have after so many years apart. While the thought of her with someone else tore him apart inside, the idea that she might possibly find love again was one that gave him unexpected relief. Wasn’t that what he wanted for her, to be with someone she could love and grow old with? In that moment he was again reassured that stepping out of her life was truly the best that he could give her. It would ensure her future, maybe even with Tuck.

  As they walked back to the house, Chelsea felt such a tremendous sense of relief. In five years, she had not spoken of those times at all. When she was at home with her family, it was never discussed. At school, no one knew. They simply thought she was some weird bookworm who wasn’t interested in guys. For those first few years, she hardly looked up from a book because she knew she might have to face the pain of her loss. But after about three years, the heartbreak faded somewhat, and by the fourth, she was at least able to think back to their time together without crying. Always, even when it hurt the most, she knew he did the right thing, and in hearing about his love for his daughter that was confirmed.

  Finally in eyesight of the house, John asked, “Can we sit here for a while?” It was cold, so when they sat, he pulled her to sit in front of him and he wrapped his arms around her, snuggling her into his chest. He thanked her for trusting him enough to tell her story. For a while they talked about Tuck and then other things, as usual avoiding any mention of their future. Bearing in mind the loss of her first love, John felt the weight of responsibility and regret that she would have to once again let go of someone she loved. And he had no doubt, if ever he was loved, the woman in his arms loved him. What they shared was the sweetest, purest love imaginable, but one doomed from the very beginning by decades of life lived and life yet to be lived. It was not lost on John, that just as she had with Tuck, she would have to walk away when given no other option.

  For a while, they sat quietly, until John blurted out, “She died of an overdose of painkillers not the cancer.”

  Chelsea sat looking out at the rolling waves. Leaning against his chest, she could nearly feel the sadness radiating from him at such an admission. As dreadful as losing a wife to cancer would be, she had to suppose an overdose may have been worse. To know her death was intentional caused Chelsea to shiver. What a tragic end for his marriage. It was no wonder at all that he’d run from love for so many years.

  “When she was first diagnosed, we were given pretty optimistic odd
s. She went through treatment, had the mastectomy, and then reconstructive surgery. From what they said, she seemed to have beaten it. It was at her six week check-up that they found the cancer may have spread, and when the tests came back, the outlook was pretty grim.

  “For some reason, all along, I just knew everything would be okay. With the best doctors and the best hospital, I thought I could buy her well. Truthfully, I never even considered things would take a turn for the worse like they did.” He hesitated, guilt creeping up, causing him to feel that sick feeling he felt when he first found her. “I wasn’t there for her like I should’ve been. I mean, sure, I was there when she had surgery and even for many of her doctor’s visits, but I was never really there. You know? I was so consumed by work and building the company, that I mostly considered her illness an inconvenience.” Realizing how heartless his admission must sound, he assured her, “I’m not that man anymore, Chels.”

  “I know you’re not.” His arms were wrapped around her and her hands rested on his forearms. Rubbing them gently, she wished only to comfort him. Chelsea could only imagine the guilt he’d carried over the years. The fact that he’d worn his wedding ring up until the fall confirmed the burden he carried. Clearly, he blamed himself.

  “When she found out the cancer had spread, I was out of town. She called, and I told her I would be home as soon as I could. That wasn’t for two more days. By the time I arrived home, she’d been dead for nearly twenty four hours.”

  Sighing, he said, “She was different than you. There was this level of detachment about her, something we both had, I suppose. I guess I didn’t think she needed me. Of course she needed me. She was dying.” There was no way to determine if her overdose was intentional or accidental, but deep down, John believed she couldn’t face what she knew to be her future and do it alone.