On 4/19 (On 4/19 and Beyond 4/20)

by Lisa Heaton

  Chelsea’s heart broke for Tracy. She could remember the early weeks with John, how he was constantly distracted. Even when he was there with her, his thoughts were usually elsewhere. What must it have been like to be a wife and have a husband like that? What must it have felt like to know you were dying and that your husband cared so little that he didn’t even catch the first flight home? That was the man Chelsea first met, but John was no longer the same. Her accident proved that his concern for her far outweighed his business.

  “I know it was my fault. I’ve known every moment since I found her.”

  Turning to face him, Chelsea caressed his face, offering, “I am so sorry. I’m sorry for her and for you.”

  “After she died, I just shut down. I was overcome with guilt. The idea of her doing something so extreme, so drastic, nearly drove me out of my mind. For a while, I spent a lot of time in Montana. Not with my folks but alone in my house there. By the time I returned to L.A., I was so numb and liquored up that I became someone I’m far from proud of.” He reached for her hand and held it. “For a long time, there was a string of nameless, faceless women who came in and out of my life. Disposable, that’s the only word I can use to explain how I treated them. Like you said I made you feel, that was what I did to each and every one of them.” He sighed, ashamed to admit such things to her. “A few years ago, something happened that made me take a long look at who I’d become. There was a woman who was really hurt because of me, and when she called, sounding so desperate, I could do nothing but envision Tracy lying there on the bed, pale and rigid. During that phone call, I realized the way I was treating her could cause greater harm than I even knew. I was terrified she would hurt herself. It all worked out okay, but immediately after that, I changed that part of my life.

  “This, us, it’s not about her. Tracy, I mean. Early on I was afraid I would always be that man and treat you the way I treated her, but now I know that’s not true. You’ve made me a different man. Chelsea, I love you more than I’ve ever loved another human being. That’s the truth. And because I do love you, I have to walk away from this.” She began to protest, but he continued, “I was looking at my dad when we were there. Do you realize that when you’re my age, I’ll be that old?” Thinking about how his dad had changed, he said, “His eyes are faded and he has little energy anymore. Just a few years ago, he had the strength and stamina of ten men. Now, he sits around and eats and watches game shows. That’s my future.

  “At forty-nine, I still want to travel and live life. I imagine that’s how I’ll feel for many years to come. That’s where you’ll be at forty-nine. Consider, though, being my age and having someone my dad’s age to care for. I refuse to do that to you. It may not seem like a big deal to you now, but then it will be. You’ll still be a young beautiful woman, and I’ll be a withering old man. And it’s not as if my mind will be gone. No question about it, I’ll be aware of what a drain I am on you. I don’t want to finish out my years feeling guilty for loving you too little to walk away. Believe me when I say I’ve lived enough of my life consumed with guilt. I’ve been so selfish that I destroyed my wife. I don’t want to be that man. Help me be different by letting me walk away.”

  She slid her arms around his neck and held on as tightly as she could. Heart breaking, feeling nearly crushed under the weight of what she knew to be their future, Chelsea committed to herself right then that she would give him what he needed. As much as she wanted to plead with him, to assure him she would love him until his dying breath, she didn’t. At that moment Louise’s words rang in her head. John was learning to love sacrificially, proof that God was already doing a mighty work within him. If she did anything to interfere, she might possibly hinder the work God wanted to do in John. Fully comprehending what her love for him would require, she said, “I’ll do whatever you ask.”

  For the remainder of their time at the beach, there was a peace between them that had never been so present before. Both were grieved at the prospect of letting go, knowing April would arrive sooner than either would like, but each finally conceding that the separation was what had to happen. For John, the expectation was that it would be forever. For Chelsea, her hope remained that they would have their someday. It was what she prayed, no matter what she knew to be John’s intentions. Her determination was to make their final months together so vital to him, that once they were apart, out of desperation, he would do exactly as his mother anticipated, and turn to God. Occasionally, she reminded herself of all the variables that would have to align for her hope to become reality, but since she sought God as she did that afternoon in Montana, her faith was stronger than it had ever been. In her heart, her hope was secure. She came away from that time certain that God had given her a promise, and that promise was to be with John forever, or for at least as long as they both lived.

  Early Sunday morning, they left Malibu in time to make it to church. Without Chelsea even inviting him, John volunteered to go. Even though he knew that pleased her, in truth, his sole motivation was in being with her. Knowing their time would soon come to an end, he was determined not to miss one opportunity to be with her. No matter what that looked like for his business schedule, in the months to come, he would plan all things with her in mind. Chelsea would be the center of his world for as long as she was his.

  In the months to come, they each held on to every moment, every opportunity to love. John worked less than he ever had, and Chelsea took every occasion to ensure that he would only love her more. Their lives together had become so utterly perfect, that they both knew, when the time to walk away came, there would be a gaping hole in each of their lives. Neither had any misconceptions of what their futures would look like apart. Still, it was not something they discussed openly, as both knew what needed to be done.

  The winter semester came to an end, and prior to the spring semester beginning, they took that opportunity to travel. Flying first to John’s house in Hawaii, they stayed only a few days before deciding to go back to Malibu. For both of them, his home there felt more intimate. It was their place. Though John never mentioned it to her, he’d never had a woman there with him at his beach house, so there were no memories to evade while he was there with Chelsea. He couldn’t say the same about any of his other homes. While together at the beach, he felt more at peace than any other place on earth. Once he had to let her go, he imagined it would be where he would spend the most time grieving. How depressing it was to already be choosing his place to mourn her loss.

  Every week since the new year began, John went with Chelsea to church. As much as she was thankful he went, she knew his heart had yet to connect with what was being offered to him. She sensed it. While he listened intently to every sermon, there was a glazed-over expression on his face. She sensed that he still lacked the faith to believe he could ever really know God, at least beyond the point of salvation. The weeks she sang, she knew he could have been no prouder of her. During the week leading up to her solo, he would insist she practice with him there. Usually, he would sit right there on the bench with her while she played. It seemed to be his favorite pastime, listening to her play. Every song she sang to the Lord, but always with the hope that the floodgates of John’s heart might finally be opened. As she sang she prayed that the words would somehow trickle into John’s heart like fresh rain. Nothing seemed to be able to penetrate his heart, at least not the things of God.

  Early April was upon them, and it was the day before Chelsea’s birthday. When John asked what she would like to do, her only request was that they fly out to see his parents. She realized that it was possibly her last opportunity to talk to Louise. Leaving after her final class on Friday, they were at the ranch by evening time. For both Chelsea and Louise, it was a bitter-sweet time together. Hoping and praying that God would intervene in John’s life, Louise assured Chelsea that she was indeed doing the right thing in letting him go. They once discussed the fact that if Chelsea were to try to talk John out of ending the relationship, he just
might be persuaded. He loved her enough to walk away, but he also loved her too much to allow her pleas to go unanswered. Not once did Chelsea make such a request, though. Waiting for an end that she could possibly prevent was the most difficult thing she had ever experienced. It was in her weakest moments that she had to remind herself that in order to truly love him; she would have to let him go.

  In a sense, she felt as if he’d already taken a step back from her. While he was just as loving and engaged in their relationship as he’d been since they became a real couple, she felt an emotional distance building, and as the end drew nearer, a physical one as well. In the past week, he hardly ever kissed her the way he used to. Quickly he would give her a peck on the cheek when he arrived or departed, but seldom would he kiss her as he once did. As if they had come full circle, John was once again withholding his heart, just as he’d done in the beginning. But the brush of his lips on her cheek caused her to feel far away from him and terribly lonely. For the most part, she understood his motives, but it hurt nonetheless. She missed his intimate embrace and longed for him to desire her as he used to.

  One night, as they sat on the sofa together watching a movie, Chelsea was thinking non-stop about the distance he’d placed between them. Wondering, she asked him, “Do you want to end this early?”

  “No. I want to see what happens. It’ll drive me crazy to stop it now.”

  Chelsea stared at him blankly. Suddenly, it dawned on her that he thought she meant the movie. “I mean us.”

  Without hesitating, he stopped the movie. “Is that what you want?”

  Shaking her head, she whispered, “No.”

  He sat looking at her, not knowing what else to ask or where her question came from.

  “In some ways, I feel as if you’ve already checked out.”

  He reached for her and slid his hand behind her neck. Moving in closer, he admitted, “It doesn’t seem right to keep touching you and holding you the way I was, all the while knowing…” He couldn’t say it out loud. He didn’t want to hear it. Sighing heavily, he pulled her closer. “I didn’t think I was being fair to you.”

  “None of this is fair.”

  John closed his eyes, trying to block out the pained expression on her face. It wasn’t fair, but it was where they were, decades of life apart.

  His eyes were closed, so Chelsea took that opportunity to move in and press her lips to his. When she did, he moved his other hand to her face and held it there firmly in place. She’d missed him, missed the feel of his warm hands caressing her face and neck as he was doing then. Once, as he trailed his lips along her cheek, she whispered, “I just needed to know you still want me.”

  Lifting his head, looking deeply into her eyes, he admitted, “There will never be a moment of any day for as long as I live that I won’t want you. I love you. I’ll always love you. You have to remember that. When things are the hardest, you have to know this has nothing to do with how I feel about you. Promise?”

  Unable to speak, fearing if she did she would cry, she only nodded. She moved back into him and kissed him softly.

  Much too soon, April 18th arrived, and even though Chelsea had classes scheduled, she skipped them. Deciding to spend their last day at the beach, they left early that morning and drove along the coast to his house. There, it was a typical day. They spent the morning hours out on the beach, had lunch in a little place at the Malibu Country Mart, and did some shopping. It was there that Chelsea found a bracelet she liked. As he always did, John insisted on paying for it, but this time, Chelsea flat-out refused him. It was something she wanted to take home with her, and her resolve was firm not to take anything that John had bought for her.

  It was never about his money. He could have never bought her love. For his sake, she wanted him to know he was loved strictly for who he was and not for what he had. As much as it devastated her to realize, she had to take into consideration the fact that he may never come for her, and in that case, she wanted him to find love again. She could hardly bear the thought of him living out his life alone, consumed by work, which was where he would undoubtedly turn in her absence. For a man with his kind of money, he needed proof that a woman could love him without money being the determining factor. She wanted him to see it done.

  Her new bracelet was a collection of charms, each strangely having some significance to her. Tiny silver seashells reminded her of their many hours walking and talking together on the beach. It was where they had some of their most painful conversations, the place they unloaded their burdens to one another. There were crosses, reminding her she must bear the cross of letting him go, and finally, several charms with two interconnected hearts, hers and John’s. The bracelet was so meaningful in fact; it brought tears to her eyes when he hooked the clasp for her. As the day wore on and she continued to look at the bracelet, she became convinced it was a gift from God. He knew she needed something to see, something tangible to give her hope when she felt most hopeless. In her final moments with John, hope for a future was all she had to hold onto.

  Later that evening, they grilled fish and vegetables for dinner as they often did while there. All in all, the day was perfect. Although she anticipated she would become weepy, she remained much more collected than she expected. He was quiet most of the afternoon, clearly in agony over the road he was choosing. By his choice, he was trying desperately to love her unselfishly. How could she not love him even more for that? She prayed for him nearly every moment of the day, and when she wasn’t praying for him, she prayed to keep her own resolve, often reminding herself it was what was best for him.

  Overall, the day was very similar to the one where she and Tuck came to the conclusion that he would have to go back and marry Lindsey. The decision was a mutual one, one that simply had to be made. While knowing the pain it would cause in the long run, it was the only course. It was the same with her relationship with John. For the greater good, they had to disconnect. In seeing Tuck’s outcome with his sweet little daughter, God blessed his obedience. It was Chelsea’s greatest desire that God would bless her willingness to obey as well. Though John considered their parting final, she would never be able to see it that way. No matter how long it took, she would wait. Deep down, she was convinced that they would find their way back together. That certainty was the only reason she was able to stand firm in her decision. Otherwise, she would crumble.

  Just as the sun was setting, Chelsea was sitting on the sofa, concentrating on the roaring waves as they sounded loudly through the open doors, trying to focus on anything but the breaking of her heart. Shattering the otherwise silence of the room, a loud crash sounded from the kitchen. When she rushed in, she found John standing there, hands trembling, glass and water covering the kitchen floor. Clearly he hadn’t dropped the glass. There was a water stain on the wall and glass shards scattered on the countertop nearby. He didn’t look at her when she walked in; instead, he simply stood, looking at the broken glass.

  “Leave that. I’ll get it when I get back.” He moved swiftly toward her, grabbed her by the shoulders, and kissed her cheek. Quietly, he whispered, “I think I need some fresh air.”

  Walking alone in the dark, John began to cry, something he hadn’t done since he was a little boy. He could vividly remember the day his dad told him that boys don’t cry. For some reason, he believed it and never cried again, until now. This night, he found he had no other release for the deep and piercing anguish he felt within. For the entire day, every hour, every minute brought him closer to the moment when he would have to let go of Chelsea. He’d expected the day to look entirely different. Over the past weeks, in anticipation of this final day, he supposed it would be filled with tears and emotion. But it wasn’t for her. The one and only moment he suspected she was near tears was when he hooked her new bracelet around her wrist. Easily he could see why it might bring tears to her eyes. It was their story set in silver.

  Throughout the day he reminded himself of all the reasons he had to do what he w
as doing. Constantly, he had to envision her face and remember he loved her more than himself, more than life itself. He had to picture his father and try to imagine Chelsea loving a man who had become so weak and frail. These were head games he was playing with himself, and for the most part, it was working. Finally though, for just one moment in the kitchen, a time of weakness came over him. While filling his glass with water, the thought occurred to him, he was only a changed mind away from keeping her. All he had to do was say so and they could be together. That one decision could ease the pain they were both experiencing, yet neither was voicing. Changing his mind would take only a split second, and she would be his, not Tuck’s.

  That was the vision that had kept him awake at night, Chelsea with Tuck. While he had no way of knowing what Tuck even looked like, he pictured him tall and strong, dependable and kind. If Chelsea had loved him so deeply that she would remain isolated for five years after their breakup, he must be a man worthy of that love. Tuck still loved her, and without question, as soon as she arrived back home he would pursue her. How could John blame him? But still the thought of Chelsea loving Tuck in return was the source of the battle that waged within him. Again he reminded himself, it would take only a changed mind. Finally too much to contain, his emotions got the better of him and he slung the glass against the wall. It was then he knew he had to find a release for the pent up anger and regret that was consuming him.

  Walking along the beach that night, John had many questions for God, like why had He allowed Chelsea to come into his life? Why allow them such pain? Especially on Chelsea’s behalf, he argued that she deserved better than to be hurt by another man she loved. “She’s done nothing I can see but love You, God. Why would You hurt her this way?” On and on his questions went. He’d been told all of his life that God is sovereign. In that case, God planned this all along. God knew Chelsea would be injured, and yet He allowed her to walk into the stupidest arrangement ever established by contract. It was during this time that John decided he’d been better off in never drawing near to a God who could protect but chose not to.